Britney Spears should not be allowed to dress herself

There is just something broken in this ho's brain and it can't be fixed.

Nicole Richie has wings

There's a clear look at Nicole Richies back tats. May I just say...DUMBASS.

Prince William and Kate Middleton break up

So, Will's going to concentrate on military life and Kate will go back to studying in London. Reps say the split was amicable. Bloggers can speculate the reasons until hell freezes, we won't actually know until Kate's biography comes out. And if she's as smart as they say, she'll write one. One day she's looking at being married to the future king, the next day she's just a student again. You can bet your ass she's not feeling "amicable." Pffft.

Britney talks to the paparazzi

Britney tells the paps she may quit music, giggles a lot and does her famous pout.

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo....engaged

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“Nick asked Vanessa to move from her home base in NYC to be with him in L.A. At the same time he asked her for her hand in marriage.” Vansessa said yes. The two have asked family and friends to plan on flying to Nick’s hometown of Cincinnati or Cabo San Lucas , Mexico, where they had thier first vacation together. How romantic.

I think I'll send them a framed picture of fug dark haired spray tanned Jessica sucking face with John Mayer. It would look so hot over thier mantle, or maybe above thier bed.

Poor Haley Scarnato had to wear McPhee cooties

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Recently booted American Idol, Haley Scarnato, admitted that they made her wear Katharine McPhee's old hair extensions.

"Yes, that is true," Haley answered, "I think it's cool. They can wash them, so it's fun. I think it's cool to wear the hair extensions of Katharine McPhee. She's Katharine McPhee!"

Oh, cut the shit, Haley, they booted your ass so say what you really think. Who would choose to wear Katherine McPhee's raggedy ass cootie catchers? What a cheap ass show this is. I wonder what hapless boob will be stuck with Sanjaya hair next season? I'd go boil my head.

Madonna to adopt again

Oh, we can't go a week without some rich celeb and an adoption rumor. Orphans are the new Birkin bag. This time it's Madonna again and a three year old Malawian girl called Grace. Officials are still upset by her last adoption so this time they say they will make her look at other children too and the final choice will be thiers.

AHHHH HA HA HA! The final choice will be Madonnas and no one will get in her way. She can buy their whole damn country and turn it into a kabbalah slash yoga center, and have all the mofo officials wearing red wrist strings and sitting in the lotus position for the rest of thier miserable lives. Are they stupid as well as poor? If Guy Ritchie says no to this, she will divorce him and have him living above Kevin Federlines garage and eating out of garbage cans with rabid racoons. She's on her way there now to get HER choice orphan..get the frick out of her way, give her what she wants, and no one gets hurt.

No custody decided

In another wtf court case, the custody hearing is still not final. In some bizarre twist, Larry and Vergie are supposed to get together in private and hammer out an agreement to present to the court. This is the biggest bunch of shit I ever heard and typical of warped legal systems.

I'm so sick of all this that if Anna Nicole dug her way out of her grave with her Lee Press Ons, put on a sequined top hat and crotchless bikini and did a jig on her gravestone I'd barely give it a blurb. This whole thing sucks giant dirty ass. The kid has a parent..give her to him. How friggin' hard is that? Doh.

Lindsay Lohan and her "friend"

Sigh. Sometimes Blohan can actually surprise me, just when I think there's nothing left for her to do. Now gossip is, she's dating a chick. This is Samantha Ronson, I don't know her story, I actually thought she was an ugly guy when I saw the photos, but, word is, she likes drugs, booze and hardcore partying. Right up Blohans alley.

Lindsay's been linked to chicks before. In fact, a lot of people think the whole blow up between her and Paris Hilton happened because they were more than just friends and The Blow took it all serious and ParAss was just playin'. All I have to say about this one is..if you're going to date another chick, at least get a nice looking chick. I hear Carmen Electra's single. There's also Anne Hathaway, and if you got real lucky, Penelope Cruz. But, Samatha Ronson..please. I've seen tins of rancid cat food more appetizing. Yeesh.

Oh, and if you believe The National Inquirer..The Blow also tricked Kevin Federline into shulping her before she left for Japan. Crabbie's take on it is always amusing, though sometimes I think he prints stories with the intention of making me ill. Hilarious Crabster. K-Fed and The Blow???? I can't go there..sob.

Geri Halliwell to write childrens books

Former Spice Girl, Geri Halliwell has scored a deal to pen six childrens books for Macmillan. They will be the adventures of a girl named Ugenia Lavender, a young girl who "balances everyday school life with solving mysteries and working her way out of fantastic situations."

You know what? I couldn't care less. Every celeb who pops out a kid eventually writes some lame childrens book with the warped idea that they're helping the world be a better place. It's usually crap..I just wanted an excuse to put Bluebell Madonna's photo on here. Bluebell, despite her unfortunate name, is one of the sweetest celeb babies I've ever seen. She'll be one next month.

Britney Spears shopping for more unattractive crap

Poontang proves she's invested in some underwear, but, how the frick does this chick ALWAYS manage to hoist her dress up to her waist?? Then she tries on a hat over a hat..nice, that's a new fad to start. Little losers everywhere will be wearing two ugly hats at once now. Get the one with the spider, Brit, it's so you. She always poses like she's in a burlesque show. I wish to frick she'd just get a job as a stripper, it seems to be her calling.

Happy happy Snag

Thanks to Daphne for alerting me to this little gem from GOTA. "If everyone smoked weed, the world would be a better place." Hmm, I don't know, I'm not a fan of weed, but, at least they got Dunst's beady red eyes and snag tooth right. If I had to look at her everyday, I might start rolling at break neck speed and scoring flesh eating lines from Pete. >reaches for a cig and an Oreo<

Pete and Kate have a good time

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They DO seem to live life large, don't they. WTF is he snorting that makes him look like that? I admit to being a vetran of long past partying, but, I never saw anything that would actually burn the skin off my nostrils. I guess if you're a rocker and a famous model you get the good stuff..OR, Pete's so high the dealers are cutting his crap with Clorox and he doesn't even notice.

How stupid is Joe Francis??

Pretty stupid, it seems. Joe had illegal pills in his cell with him. Not about to sully his snooty taste buds with tap water, Joe decided to bribe a guard with a hundred dollar bill for a bottle of designer water. The guard said no, so brilliant Joe, who thinks money can buy anyone, flashed 500 dollars. Money, and needless to say drugs, are not allowed in jail and the guard turned him in. His cell was searched and an amount of cash and 16 prescription medications including Lunesta and lorazepam were found. These infractions have been added to his charges.

All because the snotty dumbass couldn't stand the thought of a sip of peasant tap water to wash down his pills. What a wimp and an idiot. I have two words for you, Francis...general population. Enjoy. Okay, that's three words, and that's three more than I should have wasted on this loser.

Larry Birkhead and all the hubbub

The custody hearing is today. Though Howard. K. Babynapper may have finally realized he's a loser and everyone hates him and has given up the ridiculous fight, poor Larry still has Vergie to contend with. Larry says he won't share custody with anyone, and why should he?

For Birkhead it has always seemed to be about getting his child. He has an even bigger controversy looming...will he sell his and Dannielynn's story? The guy is a photographer, he doesn't have big money, which is exactly the reason Anna Nicole didn't want him in the first place (yeah, I know Howard didn't either, but, he could rep her legally for free), now it comes down to money, as it always does. If he sells his story, people will call him a sell out and a money grubber..if he doesn't sell his story he will be in debt for millions spent fighting for this kid. His bogus lawyer fees alone total over half a mil.

There's no guarantee that DanniLynn will ever inherit Howard Marshalls money, though she should. And even if she does, I can't see Birkhead touching any of it. That's just the way the guy strikes me. He just wanted his kid. I say sell the story and photos, Larry, and screw what anyone else thinks. You need the damn money. That's what I'd do.

I can't believe anyone would want to read the story, I mean, we've had this Anna Nicole thing shoved down our throats for ages now. We already know all the sordid and uninteresting details of the life and death of a woman we never paid any attention to in life. I think the media overestimates our preoccupation with this whole ANS hoopla. Sell it now, Larry, before they figure out it's boring. Then go buy a big mansion for you and the kid. I, for one, won't trash you for it.

Harry Morton gets flooded

Remember when Blohan was slurping on Harry Morton? Seems she has an apartment just one floor above his in L.A.’s posh Sierra Towers. I guess this still poses some awkwardness for the two, but, it got worse recently when The Blows pipes exploded and flooded Harrys multimillion dollar apartment. Hmm, what's odd is Lindsay claimed she was in NYC. So who was in Lindsays apartment? I mean, if it was a cold place, I could see it, but, it's LA. Pipes aren't going to explode there. Maybe she did it on purpose so her Pink Taco guy would talk to her again?

What do you call this outfit?

Britney Spears leaving her dance studio. Seriously, wtf do you call this conglomeration of Salvation Army rejects she's wearing? I'm stumped. I do like the hat, but, I think she borrowed it from Pete Doherty. Poontang was probably hoping he forgot some stash in it.

Britney, Courtney and Tara

The worst tummys in Hollywood? Oh, I doubt it, they're just the ones too stupid to cover it up.

Virtual dance club

You say you wanna dance but, you don't like going out, don't have the right clothes, too lazy to practice your moves? Not to worry, now you can go virtual clubbing. You can hang out, talk with friends, download music, and listen to top DJs. You can also make a new virtual you and work on bustin' some moves...all from the comfort of your own chair.

Download it here..The Virtual Lounge...and be sure and let me know how it works out for you. I'm too damn lazy to even go to a virtual club. The other virtuals would just annoy me.

Lindsay Lohan in Japan

Yeah, the bad news for bloggers is..Blohans in Japan. The good news for Blohan is...Japan also has drugs, booze and men who will sleep with you and never call you again! Yay!

Jessica's hinting for a ring from John

John and Jessica were out to dinner with another couple when Jessica spotted her girlfriends 4 carat diamond ring, and gasped: "Oh, my God, that is SO beautiful!" - and immediately tried it on. Then she waved it under John's nose and said "Isn't this the perfect size for my hand, honey?" John turned white as a sheet and suggested she give the bling back to her friend then quicky changed the subject.

Nothing like a subtle hint, Jess. Mayer probably had a mini heart attack and is planning on secretly moving to some obscure island that's not on a map. Not that Jessica could read a map, but, why take chances?

Britney Spears has a twin

Well my head is full of stuffin'
I like to show my muffin
and rehabs such a strain..

I'd be quick as Hilton's monkey,
and not such a dumbass junkie
if I only had a brain.

Kate and Pete..engaged for real

Pete Doherty performed in London last night and Pete dedicated a song called "KP Nuts" to his "beautiful fiancee." Kate Moss sang along with him and flashed her engagement ring.

I thought they already got married a couple of times, it's hard to tell with them. Anyway, this time it's official and I can't wait to see what kind of a crazy wedding they'll plan. Why can't England send us these two instead of balloon head Jordan?

Sanjaya wants J-Los number

Little Sanjaya is still in the running and I couldn't care less. Sanjaya "I really hoped that Jennifer Lopez picked up on my passion and umm, maybe I'll get her number later and we won't have to tell Marc Anthony."

Yeah right. If I was J-Lo I'd actually take Sanjaya up on that if it meant one less morning of waking up next to Skeletor and searching the coffin for the keys to the handcuffs. I actually flipped the channel last night long enough to listen to J-Lo sing. That was a mistake. Someone teach me some Spanish curse words, fast. Real nasty ones.

Jordan making an ass of herself

I keep ignoring this ho, but, she keeps talking and the more she talks the stupider she sounds. For some reason the Brits hate us enough to send this flapping preg skank, who's only famous for implanting air bags in her chest, over here for a reality show. Thanks England. I used to like you guys.

Called the poor mans Beckhams, Jordan and her dumbass hubby, Peter Andre, compare themselves to the real Becks and convince themselves they're actually better. This shouldn't be hard to do when you're friggin' brain dead, so they shouldn't be too overjoyed.

Andre insists he's not as good looking as Becks (oh doh genius) but, that his scroungy wife is way better looking than Posh. Jordan agrees adding "It's not hard to be better looking than her, is it really?"

Jordan also called Posh "Just a football players wife." So, what's your reality show going to be about Hordan? How to lamely insult an icon while bouncing off walls with your fake tittage? Maybe they can hook up a machine to measure your IQ and have us all amazed that whores can be born with no brain and live. I'd watch that.

Mischa Barton is an idiot

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When Mischa isn't posing with Keds on and trying to convince us (via Keds) that Keds are super cool, she's out walking her dog with her 4000 dollar boots on, which believe me, are NOT made by Keds. I was struck by the fact that her fur collar looks exactly like her dog. How does she not know that? Watch out, Ziggy, or you'll be next.

Brad and Angie fighting over Shiloh

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Brad and Angelina have been fighting over a lot of stuff, if you believe all the gossip. I've learned from blogging when theres a rumor it generally pans out to have some factual basis, so I was kind of joyful hearing that Brad Pitt is finally standing up for his baby girl.

Seems an insider has had enough of watching the unequal treatment of Angies adopted children vs. her biological baby and has spoken out. And so has Brad Pitt, in private.

"Angie doesn't change Shiloh's diapers or hold her when she cries," one insider tells Life & Style. "One time Shiloh was having a tantrum and Angie just told Brad to quiet her down because she was upsetting the other kids."

The magazine says that after Angie came back from Vietnam, Brad noticed that she "appeared to forget" about Shiloh while she lavished affection on the adopted kids, Maddox, Zahara, and the newest addition, Pax.

Angelina has shunned Shiloh so much that Brad has flat out questioned why she doesn't seem to love thier own baby. I find this story heartbreaking because Brad has always been a father to the others, he's the only dad Maddox has ever had and the two seem close. What's going to happen to all these kids if Angie and Brad can't make it work? And..just wtf is wrong with Jolies head anyway?

Another whore with a sex tape

American Idol loser, Olivia Mojica has a sex tape out and it's in all the news. I don't really understand the mindset that you're not a real whore if you release a nasty video with a boy friend rather than do it with porn stars you don't know and get paid for it. She's getting paid for it anyway, and she's most likely the one who released it, so that makes her a big ol' ho. Don't tell me different. I can't remember who the frick she is anyhow and this is just more loser city nasty "look at me crap." She can go piss up a rope (which from what I hear, is the ONLY thing she doesn't do)..I'm not linking to it, because then I have to see if the link works, and the last time I did that I got Kim Kardashians blown out but nicely manicured poon hole stuck in my head for a week. Jenna Jameson has more class than these nitwits, at least she knows she's a whore and is professional.

Archives back...

I put the archives back on for those of you who are looking for past posts. I hope it helps you, frankly, I can't find anything. I can barely get myself dressed at the crack of noon. You all just have to face the fact that I'm disorganized, senile (possibly some dementia), and the typo queen.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

Marc Anthony is going to pay up his taxes, that's what he's going to do. In a charges involving three companies controlled by Anthony, who just happened to forget to file taxes in NYC and state, he has promised to repay 2.5 million dollars and avoid jail time. Nice goin' there, night stalker. Chump change.





Sleeze bucket, Joe Francis won't be feeling up Lindsay and ParAss for awhile. While Joe was busy NOT running away, authorities caught him at the airport and not only does he have the contempt of court charge in the underage girl(s) case, but, he also got slapped with tax evasion. Seems dumbass Joe illegally deducted over 20 million dollars. The genius had a fine plan...he was laundering his own money in his own corperations. Uhh, gee Joe, that one wouldn't even have fooled Matlock. Dumbass.

Maybe he can make a new series of skank film and call it "Big ugly prison bunkmate gone wild." Bend over, Joe, you know you want it.

Josh Henderson is catching whatever Paris has

Everyone who hangs out with ParAss get that looks sooner or later. It's like a stoned out what the fuck am I doing here glaze. Seen here at a party last night, Henderson looks like a girl who just smoked her first TCP laced joint. Paris just tries to get as close to him as she can in all photos hoping Stavros will see them somewhere..someday..and ask her and her herpes sores and pissing little dogs to come home.

Hayden Panettiere

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What have we here? Could it be a photo of Hayden PantyLiner licking another chicks boobage? Little Miss "DontCallMeLindsay" likes to pretend she's of great hotness and virtue and yet still acts just like the media whores she pretends to hate. Guess the last photos of her in a see through mini and fuck me boots weren't hot enough for her 17 year old self. I still say..future whore in rehab. Nice tounge action, PantyLiner.

Tom Cruise and the case of the missing shoes

Words out about a great mystery in the Cruise household. Seems Katie's highest heels keep comming up missing. According to the snitch, Katie asks Tom where her heels are and he tells her his sister, Lee Anne, borrowed them. When Katie askes Lee Anne she has no idea what Katies talking about.

Now, I find it odd that a kabillionaires sister can't buy her own shoes and it's only the super high ones that are vanishing from Katies closet. Katie doesn't confront The Little General, she just buys more shoes. She SHOULD look in HIS closet, he's no doubt wearing them with her nighties and a push up bra while prancing in front of a full length mirror and humming "I enjoy being a (tall) girl." There's probably wigs and other assorted props too, but, if I think about it too much I can't eat while I blog.

Is Liz Hurley going to prison for being a bitch?

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I knew Liz Hurleys new father in law was so mad at her he disowned his own son. Seems Liz thought more of the Hello mag photogs and celebrities at her wedding than she did about her new in laws, and according to them, treated them like lower class dogs. But, now, the family fued is getting bizarre.

"Vishnu Khandelwal, Hurley’s father-in-law, is filing legal proceedings to send the couple to jail! For, among other things, consuming alcohol at the wedding. Says The Daily Mail:
Liz Hurley refused to remove her footwear;
Pictures of them kissing in Hello! magazine is against the culture;
“Utilising the Hindu marriage to spread Christianity”;
They drank alcohol before the marriage;
It is also alleged that Miss Hurley showed off excess flesh with her choice of attire;
Those found guilty of a “deliberate and malicious act” against the religion face a three-year prison sentence. "

Three years in prison?? That's one pissed off father in law. I knew this whole thing would end badly when Liz told Posh what to wear.

Paris and Nicole give enemas

I swear people, I can't make up stuff this crazy. In the new season of The Simple Life, ParAss and Nicole give campers enemas.

"We did it outside, so that was a lot of fun," Richie, 25, said of the enema sequence. "It probably wasn't that fun for (the campers), but it was definitely interesting. It was something that I never thought I would do before."

ParAss claims she'd rather milk cows. The two were overseen in thier enema giving by fitness guru, Susan Powter, which frankly, whould scare me more than seeing Hilton come at me with a butt nozzle anyday. Is there anything they won't let these two do?? BTW, Niclole works as the camps "nutritional counselor." There's a potload of jokes there people..take it away.

Angie and Brad take to the sea

Guess what Angelina and Brad bought? A giant yacht with six marble bathrooms, a swimming pool, gym and a helicopter pad. The yacht cost a reported 139 millon dollars. I have news for them, there is not a yacht big enough to escape from all those kids.

Donna Hogan, the real Train Wreck

If you've ever ask the question, how much of a cunt can a person really be? Donna Hogan has the answer. She's Anna Nicoles half sister and she's written a tell all book called "Train Wreck" about her infamous sibling. The thing is, Donna only met Anna Nicole once and she had to stand in line at an calendar signing to do it. Yep, that's family. Now I know why Anna didn't have anything to to with these white trash leeches. I'll read this crap when I find it at a yard sale in the free box..and I will.

Jessica Alba in "Good Luck Chuck"

HI! My name is Jessica and I have the brain of a slow 12 year old and I can't act for beans, so here is my ass! Tee hee.

Blood thirsty ghosts in the window

This photo cracked me up. It looks like a promo to the spookiest horror flick, but, it's just the Olsens getting ready for a photo shoot. They need to invest some of thier millions in combs.

Jessica Biel walks her dog

The dog has a muzzle on and it still looks friendlier than she does. I will never understand why this woman is considered sexy. She looks like a badly dressed, ill tempered line backer.

Roseanne Barr talks about gays

Roseanne: "Never once in my 54 years have I ever once heard a gay or lesbian person who's politically active say one thing about anything that was not about them. They don't care about minimum wage, they don't care about any other group other than their own self because you know, some people say being gay and lesbian is a totally narcissistic thing and sometimes I wonder. I've never heard any of them say anything except for "accept me 'cause I'm gay." It's just, it's screwed. It's no different than the evangelicals, it's the same mindset. They want you to accept Jesus and you guys want us to all believe it's ok to be gay. And a lot of us, a lot of them, I do, I don't give a damn who anybody has sex with, as long as they're not underage and an animal. I don't give a damn, it's none of my damn business. I'm just sick of all the divisiveness, it's not getting any of us anywhere."

LMAO! She has a point. Aren't all of us, no matter what we are, all about us? She's gonna take some heat from that, but, it's still funny.

Congrats Larry Birkhead!!!

Congrats Larry, you're the daddy! DNA tests confirm what we all knew, Dannielynn is Larry's baby girl. Now, Howard K. Baby-napper, give Birkhead his kid. Now! And Vergie, you old pile of rusted bulldozer, back the frick off. No court is going to give you that baby when she has a decent parent still alive. This is the best news I've heard in a long time.

Courtney Cox gives a hand signal to the paps

Monica Geller just wanted to please everyone, Courtney Cox just wants everyone to piss off. What's she so mad about anyhow? Did her husband tell her she had to stop dating?

ROTFLMFFAOOOOOOOOOO!

I dare you to find one single thing about that photo that isn't butt kicking hilarious. Gallery Of The Absurd has nothing on Poontang reality.