Nicole Richie's OZ themed baby shower

I was expecting a lot more, weren't you? This looks like something the rest of us could throw together for a friend by ourselves. The sad part is, the Hiltons and the other rich bitches could have thrown any one of us 50 bucks and we could have done this. They probably spent thousands on a party planner. That cake looks like the Munchkins already ate it. And the sign on the cake says "There's no place like having a baby at home." I'll post that again when she's in the delivery room screaming for more epidural.

Amy's mad

Amy Winehouse is upset that paps followed her to the jail to visit hubby, Blake Civil War Fielder Dopehead, or whatever the fark his dumb name is. I think she's just pissed because they check her beehive before she's allowed in and I'm not joking. Can you imagine being the person who has to stick your hands in that mess?? You'd probably get bit by a rat or stuck with a needle.

Unexplained mystery

Why are Jessica Simpson and Ken Paves walking around with a baby carrier?? I'll bet Ken told her it was a hot new designer bag and she went, ok, like kewel. Tomarrow he'll yell "April fool!" And Jess will crack up because she knows that's in March.

Breaking news..Perez is not a lawyer

Doh. A judge threw out Perez Hiltons lawsuit against X17 because it said they had infair wage and labor practices and Perez doesn't work there so wtf was he thinking? X17's lawsuit against Perez for stealing their photos is still pending.

I like Perez (most of the time) but, why can't he just take down photos when someone bitches? It's that easy..they always write you before they sue you..just hit gawddamn fucking delete. Everything's a drama!

Meg Ryans daughter got glasses

Meg's three year old, Daisy, who I think is one of the cutest kids ever. I know what three year olds do to glasses. I hope she loves the kids optometrist , she'll be seeing him/her a lot. Lissa breaks hers at least once a month, just to keep hers on his toes.

Balls O Steel!

Celebrity chef, Jamie Oliver, phoned Angelina Jolie to congratulate her on her film Beowulf and accidentally asked about her daughter, Piloh Shitt. LMAO....oh, dude, if it had been the adopted ones she'd have had you killed. Lucky it was just the blob. If sweetie baby Shiloh Pitt turns out to be a rich diva bitch, we now have a nic for her.

Make up your damn minds!

Robot record producers and robot record PR people need to make up their damn minds about their digitally enhanced robotic music stars. Is Britney's Blackout a flop because it's only sold 430,000 copies or is it a hit because it was number one on two major avenues of music listings? Pfffft..don't ask me..I never could tell "Hit me baby one more time" from "Opps I did it again." I thought they were the same song for months and I still listen to The Dead Milkmen, so wtf do I know?

Maybe her target audience finally got their periods and some armpit hair and think she's now a sad fucked up whore and listen to the umbrella song until their ears bleed. At any rate, Britney is still culturally relevant...that means she's good for a laugh.

Christina Applegate for PETA

Yeah, yeah, okay..I don't need fur. I don't even like fur, I think fur looks best on animals. I do like Christina Applegate even though her new show Samantha Who? sits right on the line between "tolerable because I'm bored and there's a writers strike" and "Gawd, what is this shit?" I like her less since she fell for PETA's bullshit..don't even get me started on them. She'll always be Kelly Bundy to me.

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Here's a question for my readers..and I am serious here. I have this fox wrap that I bought because it's an antique from the '20's. It has 6 fox heads complete with taxidermied eyes and tails and cracks me up..BUT, also kinna grosses me out, if you know what I mean. It hangs on a stand in my bedroom with antique hats and deco crap like bejeweled bakeolite purses. Should I keep it for amusement or should I give the poor foxes a proper burial??

Britney's mansion..HAUNTED!

Sources close to the princess of poon claim she stays in hotels because her mansion is haunted and it scares the beejeebers out of her.

“She is totally spooked by the place. She feels terribly lonely and hears all sorts of noises that can’t be explained…The whole vibe of the house makes her nervous and maybe explains some of her erratic behavior,” a source close to Britney says.

The former owner of the showplace, Alexi Csato backs up this story, saying “The place is definitely haunted. My family had some extremely frightening supernatural experiences.”“We traced the history of the place and believe the spirit of a tormented girl is trapped there.”

I think it's the spirit of a tormented LIVE girl, but, really, who wouldn't love to live in a haunted Malibu mansion? I'd give my left tit to have that place. The dead chick is probably just mad because the place is trashed and Brit's left snail trails on all the furniture. Britney..99% of ghosts are not scary...turning a 10 million dollar property into a pink landfill? Now that's scary.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends...

the rest of you, just have a good day and something good to eat. And, yeah, I know that pic is old and weird. I mean, if the dude already has the oven on and the fixin's out, he's got a LONG way to go before he gets that turkey in the cooker. But, the idea that a turkey is smart enough to hide and put a lampshade on it's head is too absurd to ignore. They don't hide, they follow you, which is why I always had brain damaged pet turkeys. I couldn't do it. But, I'm off to my moms house where I never knew the turkey and I will be fine. Too bad for the anon turkey.

Then we'll sit around and mom and the aunts will vigorously (not fighting..don't ya know?) discuss Dancing With The Stars and that poor Jenny Garth and mom will say she hates Mel B because she doesn't take care of her kids and she knows that because the National Enquirer says so. Then I'll ask her if she's ever reads my site and she'll say "What is it you do again?" Then she'll admit she peeks over someones shoulder at the evil computer once in awhile, but, remind me about how all internet people are just perverts looking for women to rape and dismember because The Star had an article on that too. BUT...there will be pie. :) Have a good one.

Britney Spears..hot photo

Poontang actually tried to drive like this. I don't see how it could be any worse than her regular driving, big whoop. But, she did hire a driver to road trip her kids around all night long. The boys will be spending today eating turkey with dad. Yesterday was mommy cooks Cheetos day for them. Pass the Redbull.

Longoria has talent..who knew?

Desperate House-twat, Eva LongWhoria shows us how she keeps her man happy. Just picture Tony Parkers weener in place of that hot dog and you've got yourself free porn. Don't ever say I didn't give you anything for Christmas.

Quaid twins stable

Dennis Quaid's two week old twins are still listed as stable and reports are they will probably have no lasting effects from the massive overdose of Heparin. The twins remain in the intensive care unit at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in LA.

Cedars is is desperately trying to combat fallout on the hideous overdose error, (the same error that killed three babies in Indiana.) The packaging of the medicine is being partly blamed. The drug company realized the potential for error and issued a warning to all hospitals, including Cedars.

Here's a nursing idea..READ THE PACKAGE! Read it twice for all patients and 3 times for babies. I'm not knocking nurses, there are some damn good ones out there and we have to trust them with our life. The doctors get hero status for doing the big stuff, but, they aren't around to take care of us after..it's nurses. I hope the one who did this to the Quaid twins is never allowed to work in the medical profession again.

Nicole Richies dad does it again..

Lionel Richie told OK! magazine: "Nicole is having a boy. She even has a few names picked out."

Geez, he's the one that let the cat out of the bag on her pregnancy too. Nicole is due in New Years Eve. This will be quite a bit different than a celebration at Pure, has anyone told her that?

I love this photo soooo much

It's SJP on the SATC set. If anyone sees it huge for free tell me. I can shop in more lights and make it my holiday wallpaper. My dream of living in an NYC brownstone never dies even though I'm stuck in a midwestern cornfield. At least it's snowing today. It's so pretty.

Is this guy boinking the grease queen?

His name is Michael Marchland and he's Britney's latest sexual victim. Can't you just hear her in bed with him? "Oh, What'sYerName give it to me! Ohhh, What'sYerFace, rock me hard! Seriously y'all, what's your name? Pass the Cheetos..burp....fart."

Pam is a genius

When asked why she doesn't wear a wedding ring she replied: 'Haven't they ever seen 'Blood Diamond?' All I need is Rick around my finger.'

Uhhh, ever hear of a plain gold band? Besides, no one made a law that says your wedding ring has to be a diamond. Oh, well, if I had the hobby of marrying greasy retards, I wouldn't wear a ring either. I'd ask for a lobotomy.

I've screwed myself now

I have Sweet Caroline stuck in my head and the only option is to sing it dirty until goes away. Please let it go away.

Where it began, I cant begin to knowin'
But I still know Tom's blowin'.. strong
Was in the spring'
And Tommy gave a hummer
then learned to deep throat all night long

Hand, dirty hands, reaching out, touching peen...

Sweeeeeeet gay clothes line,
Tom's drag never looked so good
He's hoooooooomo inclined
Now he's got him some gay wood.....(and..hot..shoe...lifts)

Gawd...find me a hypnotist. Make it stop!

The truth? My ass!

This will just contain more bullshit about how The Little General doesn't swallow dick and loves his hot wife. The truth is..Tommy Girl likes his male hookers to dress up like wrestlers and roll arond on the floor with him before he fondles and gropes. Think I'm kidding? Read it.

RED (male prostitute): I was in my underwear and he (Tom Cruise) was touching my butt mostly and, his finger - through the underwear touched my anus and he was stroking my balls, just a little bit. It was quick. He whispered in my ear, "It's okay. Just relax. Just relax." At one time he actually picked me up and threw me down and said, "I think red heads are really hot, and I hear you're called Big Red." Then, once my underwear was off, he got into some serious stroking. He told me to jack off so he could watch. I did and after I came, he threw me a towel. I got dressed and then the two men drove me back to the club in London.

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Click the link to read the rest..scroll down unless you want to hear about how fat Garth Brooks likes it hard in the bung hole for hours. I believe Red, and Toms lawyers can bite my fat white ass. The guy is a fake and his closet is lined with gold butt plugs and 100 dollar bills. Why is he so intent on pretending to be a hetro?

Neil Diamond is full of pony shit

Diamond says the song Sweet Caroline was inspired when he gazed at a photo of Caroline Kennedy with her pony. Dude! Caroline was barely potty trained when Life ran those photos and you wrote your goofy ass gets stuck in my head and I want to kill you tune. What's with all the "touching me, touching you" crap?? He sang it at Carolines 50th birthday party via satellite and told his little sentimental tale. Yeah, either he's sucking up to the remaining (of any importance) Kennedy or Sweet Caroline was a hooker with a penchant for ruffled shirts and high wader powder blue leisure suits. The only other option is that he's a child molester. He always creeped me out. Now I'll bet he creeps Caroline Kennedy out too.

Panettiere does Mens Vogue

Just who is their target audience?? Why don't they just call it Pedo Monthly? Pfffft, and here I thought they all just wanted to fuck each other.

Old gossip

That stuff about Britney Spears losing her virginity at age 14 to her HS boy friend is old. All you have to do is read her bios to know she was sexually active even though she played the virgin card. She was actually shacked up with Timbertard when they were going together. So all that's lame decade old "news"...however..I did not know that her paternal Grandmother shot herself in the chest with a shotgun and died at the grave of her stillborn son three days after the babys death. Her Granny used her toe to pull the trigger on the shotgun aimed at her chest. That's a creepy and sad family secret.

Christina Aguilera shoots a beaver with no panties

What's a star do when they're just about ready to give birth and no one is paying attention? Shoot poon! Her hubby was with her, but, there's a crazy rumor going around that he's already seen it.

Check out Amy Winehouse's nose

I've seen lots of pictures of stars where I think they have coke nose, but, this one is so blatent. That's dope in her nose, no doubt. On the good side, if she's snorting maybe her track marks will heal up.

Eddie Asshole Murphy..Kid? What kid?

Eddie might pay child support to Mel B, but, that's all he's legally required to do and he has no interest in meeting his daughter. Little Angel is 7 month old now. Isn't that sad and assholey? Eddie's a jerk.

Ashlee Simpson, don't take her picture!

Ashlee to paps outside an East Village pub..“I don’t want my fans knowing I smoke! It’s so bad, but I just crave nicotine sometimes.”

Yeah, I crave nicotine too, but, if I smoke enough will I also crave odd androgenous bass players with too much eye liner and chunky butts? Maybe that just the effects the un-filtered kind.

Korean Olsen twins

They aren't even related, but, Min Hyorin and Shinbi Woori want to be the Korean equivalent to the Olsens and they even have a traveling show called The Korean Olsen Twins (clever, aint it?.)

So how does a cute Korean girl get a non biological twin? They stand next to any other cute Korean girl and announce "we're twins!" Least you think I'm a bigot, it works the same with blonde, fake and bake California chicks with implants. The probem here is, one of them is homely. She looks like Moe from the Three Stooges. Me no love you long time, dipshits.

I also always wondered how the cops catch a mugger in Korea? Like, the victim is shouting to police "he's short and has black hair!" Yeah, that narrows it right down.

Dennis Quaid's newborns overdosed

Dennis Quaid and his wife are in my heart right now. Their new twins are in Cedars-Sinai, in LA, and were overdosed, being given 10,000 units of the anti-coagulant Heperin instead of the 10 units they were prescribed. Both babies started to bleed out. They are now listed as stable, but, I know that can change in a heartbeat with a tiny baby and a mistake this huge.

My family has too much experience with a child who needs serious medical care and frequent hospitilazation. It's the most frightening thing in the world and you can't trust ANYONE to give your baby meds..you always have to check it and ask questions before you allow them to put anything in that IV. Lucky for us, my daughter in law is a question asker. How the hell does a doctors instructions of 10 units become 10,000? It happens. Trust me, it happens WAY more often than you think. Maaaaaan, I really, really hope the Quaid twins come through this.

Janice Dickinson HATES Vicktoria Beckham

"I think it's (Beckham's style) absolutely horrible! I don't get it at all. I think she should gain a little weight. With all due respect, you want an icon, give me Princess Diana. I don't get this. Oh please, she doesn't even smile. She needs some fashion tips. I'd take her on in a heartbeat."

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Poshy better hide, because the original supermodel will rip her eyes out with her acrylics, grind them to dust with her Christian Louboutin stilettos and smoke the muthers in a meth pipe shaped like dragons vagina. I'm not even kidding. Janice is crazy. I love her.

Britney hires a private eye

Poontang has hired a private dick to follow K-Fed around and prove he's a worse father than she is a mother. Good luck with that, WigHead. If you tell everyone you're spying, the perp starts rolling his J's in the upstairs bathroom with the deadblot on and let's face it..that's all she's got on him. On a scale of 1 to 10, dope smoking vs. driving your toddlers around all night long while INSANE.. is about a 1.

Saint Michael Lohan feeds the poor

This bitch better be praying that The Blow has enough drug money left to finance that restaurant he wants to start so he'll have a job and not violate his parole. Otherwise he'll be bent over a stainless steel sink by Christmas and ho ho ho won't be so friggin' jolly. Just for the record, I bought food for poor people for Thanksgiving too (though finding someone poorer than me is the charitys problem, not mine) and I didn't expect them to stir a cauldren or awknowledge the Elementals for it either. You know why? Because I'm not a cunt like Michael Lohan. And I know you guys aren't either. Support your local food drive. Kids are hungry and our personal views won't won't feed them.

Jesus was an alien

Will Smith has studied Scientology with Tommy Girl and says it's cool and his wife Jada loves it.

Smith, "Ninety-eight percent of the principles [in Scientology] are identical to the principles of the Bible. . . . I don't think that because the word someone uses for spirit is 'thetan' that the definition becomes any different."

Do you Christians have anything to say to Will? Go ahead, I'll stay out of this one, but, it ought to be entertaining.

Paris Hilton is almost a nun

ParAss thinks she's figured out why she's single..

She said: "People think I sleep with everyone, but I'm not like that. Kissing is all I do. The reason so many of my relationships don't work is guys are like, 'Hey what's going on? It's been like four months and I'm only getting a kiss here!'

Do I even need the obvious joke here? That she's gotten more ass than that toilet she's sitting on? ParAss was filmed saying she'd take it up the ass for blow. Maybe that's what she calls kissing. She's not bright, but, this is beyond ParAssite-isms. Yeah, I believe you, ParAss. I also believe all those emails I get that start with "Can I trust you, dearest one?"

You'll want to see this one

Teeth, let me repeat that title..TEETH..starring Jess Weixler. Oh, yeah, you'll want to see it. We'll all want to see it.

Huge surprise on The Bachelor

Brad Womack did the final rose ceremony last night. He had two mangey twits, err, wonderful women to choose a wife from. He looked at special ed Jenny, who never made me laugh with her fun loving shit) and tearfully said goodbye. THEN he looks at the beautiful (but, brain dead and in desperate need of a hair stylist) DeAnna and tells her ass bye bye too! He didn't want either one of them.

OMG..I was laughing so hard my pants were damp. I have to tell you NONE of the bachelors has ever floated my boat, but, I'd blow this guy after last night. Come on Brad, slam it to the sobbing whores once more in the last episode and you can rest your balls on my chin. My laughter will be like a 120 volt vibarator. If you tell them thier poons stunk in the private date, I'll swallow and smile.

This is stupid

Mary- Kate Olsen was hospitalized with a kidney infection over the weekend. She will be released in a day or two. Only the stars get hospitalized for this crap, the rest of us peasants get sent home with antibiotics and an angry look from our doctors for annoying them. I wonder if Ashley had a burning sensation in HER pee pee from twin sympathy?

Lola and Rocko go see Fred Claus

Guy Richie took his kids to see Fred Claus, and paps got some good photos. Rocko looks just like his dad, Guy, and Lourdes looks just like her mom, Madonna. But, I don't think gorgeous Lourdes, 11, is too young to be taken to an eyebrow waxer. Madonna already takes her to spas. If she was my kid I'd take her. She inherited that unibrow from her mom, it's only fair that mom should fix it.

Little David Banda stayed home..I hear he's the Hell raiser in the family.

Don't squeeze the old guy..RIP

Dick Wilson died today at the age of 91...at least I think he did. I'm not real good at knowing most dead people from live people, but, I was always fond of Mr. Whipple. I never could figure out why you shouldn't sqeeze the asswipe. He was quite the character. Rest in Peace, Dick.

Strike-toon

Now, THAT'S funny.

Britney always finds a way

So the judge said she can't drive Tater and Small Fry anymore? Pfft, she just put them in this motorized toy truck and roared around her driveway with the both of them yesterday. I mean, that's all she knows about taking care of them, so it makes sense. In Poonland. She'll have to have a Starbucks built in her yard. As soon as she figures out the kids actually like this, she'll stop doing it.

For all the Heather Mills fans..

Eat a pig...drumstick sold seperately.

Who's that kid?

Jennifer Lopez! Cute. Thanks, CF.

Chachi has a daughter

Scott Baio and his girl friend, Renee Sloan have a new baby girl. The infant weighed 5 pounds, 10 ounces and was born Nov. 2nd. A source close to the couple said, “Scott’s over the moon — he’s changing diapers and getting up at night to help with feedings."

Oh, come on! That "source" is being quoted everywhere and they need their ass kicked. This is almost 2008, when can we stop patting men on the back for taking care of their own kids? It irks me to no end, but, it's not Chachi's fault. You can catch the birth on his reality show "Scott Baio Is 45...And Single." Not anymore, pal.