Will they get married??????

The media is shitting themselves with excitement over the fact that 16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears might marry her 18 year old boy friend Casey Aldridge. I don't know why anyone thinks two children who break up on My Space once a week should get hitched, but, if they did would it look like this? Would it be decorated with Hello Kitty? Would it be catered by Redbull, Budweiser and Juicy Fruit? Skittles would pour out of a rainbow and Hannah Montana would sing until everyone cried into their mullets. Shotgun optional.

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Casey is employed. He lays pipe. Snark. I wish you could have seen my face when I read that. Click the pic to see it bigger.

MJ..the scoop on his face

I was real curious as to why Michael Jackson was walking around like a mummy..here's the story. Apparently his five year old son whacked the Jack in the face and it collapsed! Prince Michael II was just playing and Michael took a hard blow to the face, his lips kind of imploded and he rushed himself to surgery. Yeah, I'm so sure that was an "accident." MJ was said to be hysterical ....geez, you think he'd be used to parts of his face exploding and popping off by now. Drama queen.

Paris and Alex had a fight

Here's what I heard..ParAss and hot delivery boy turned model, Alex Vaggo, were out at Goa and they arrived in the same car. But, ParAss pulled a pap pleaser by climbing over the front seat deliberately showing her ass. He got pissed about the classless move and they had a fight inside. Alex then left in a separate car and ParAss was stuck trying to pretend she was happy about leaving with old roomie Greasy Bear.

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Someone not bright thinks the photos of ParAss's used up ass are worth at least two dollars so I won't be able to steal them until tomorrow. Bet you can't wait, huu? Snort.

Video Christmas card from Ashton Kutcher

Ashton made this vid for his production company (yeah, the guy has a production company)..it's a parody of the writers strike. It a snooze except for his wife Demi as a skanky reindeer. Jeez, the woman is hot. How does she still look like that??

Jessica Alba..still pissed

Alba is still ticked off that people want to look at her while she's pregnant. Here she is getting a police escort out of a store in Beverly Hills. There was more than one officer "helping" her with the pesky paps. She looks like she's pointing out the ones she wants to get life in prison for looking at her. Doesn't she make enough dough to hire her own protection? Is this all cops have to do? Too bad being a self important bitch isn't a crime. Ever hear of internet shopping, Alba?

Illusions..delusions..fluff in the brain

Alli Sims (to German mag Maxi) : Alli said, "When I make it as a singer, I will have made it on my own. The people who help me with my career right now, I have met without Britney and that's good. I don't want her to help me, I wanna make it on my own. I wanna be the next Norah Jones. I just wanna be on stage and sing blues. If I were a product, I would be Louis Vuitton. Classic, tasteful, timeless."

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Good grief, I said she could almost carry a tune, not that she was the next Nora Jones. How deluded is this woman??? Louis Vuitton bags get better with age, maybe this bag will too, but, I doubt it. For now she should be happy pretending she has something to do besides update her My Space and carry Britney Spear's sugar fix. Everyone in Hollywood's a product, I think of her as the sales bin at Walgreens. Sims is right up there with pre-worn panties and tampered with tampon boxes. Is everyone in the Spears family nuts?

Britney..shopping for little sis

Poontang spent some serious shopping time yesterday, buying up lots of girlie baby clothes and she also got Jamie Lynn a slinky tank top that read "Hot Mom To Be." Actually, that's kind of sweet..you have to make the best of things, right? But, umm, Brit...that won't fit the kid for a year or so. You just know she doesn't know these things.

The Lando Bloom

Orlando Bloom painted his LA mansion black, and reports are that neighbors including Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johannson are pissed about it. I doubt it...they're never home anyhow. And I don't give a shit what he lives in or where...however, I do like the black. It seems to fit into the environment really well. I just like looking at pics of cool houses, feel free to send me some. If they're yours I'll post them.

Royal baby

Here is the first photo of Prince Edward and Sophie Rys-Jones' new tot. He was born last Monday and his name has not been released yet, but, his title is Viscount Severn. The couple also have a little girl. Congrats!

Don't serve Kanye white food

Kanye to Spin: “I’m a pop enigma. I live and breathe every element in life. I rock a bespoke suit and I go to Harold’s for fried chicken. It’s all these things at once, because, as a taste maker, I find the best of everything. There’s certain things that black people are the best at and certain things that white people are the best at. Whatever we as black people are the best at, I’m a go get that. Like, on Christmas I don’t want any food that tastes white. And when I go to purchase a house, I don’t want my credit to look black.”
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I think I know what he's trying to say, he's talking about traditions here so I won't pick on him too much, but, he just said it...wrong. I have news for him, white people love fried chicken. And if a great black cook and a great white cook served me fried okra, collard greens with bacon and good old southern fried chicken, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference and neither would he. Black people don't own soul food any more than white people own inherited bad dancing skills (though they might own the "soul" moniker attached). Maybe I'm naive, but, these days the only difference between white folks and black folks seems to be hair products, the purchase of SPF sunscreens and, well, we don't name our kids CAAN-YAY. We prefer Apple and Pilot Inspektor.

Gifts from the retarded

That's Hillaryous....not. This ranks right up there with the talking trout and the redneck git-er-done cap. I can just picture families siting around the fire, holiday lights blinking as they laugh and laugh over this "collectible." Who are you??...who are the people buying these things?? Do you really hate the people on your gift list this much or are you so brain dead this makes you giggle?? If a product has to write on the box that it's "hillaryous"...it aint. GW has one, he laughs himself silly...if that doesn't give you a friggin' clue, go buy a dozen of these.

What are they trying to prove?

Coco at one of her husband, Ice-T's (cough) concerts. Her top is just...well, she just took it off and stood onstage letting him fondle her, as usual, while she fondles his dick head. Sometimes he makes her turn around and expose her ample bare ass and he gropes and jiggles it for the fans saying things like "Dat dere is a real woman, y'all." Uh hu..real in the sense that there's a 50-50 chance she was born with two X chromosomes. I don't get it...it seems not only disgusting, but, really disrespectful. She doesn't see it that way, as she has the IQ of yak milk. Thank me for the stop signs.

Jamie Lynn ruined Ashlee Simpsons week

Ashlee Simpson released her "Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya)" which we all know is just terrible, since I posted it here..and at the same time that friggin' Jamie Lynn Spears had the audacity to announce her teenage pregnancy. Friends of Ashlees say she can't belive this happened to her.

A source told The Scoop, “Ashlee can’t believe this happened. She’s so disappointed. Her sister, Jessica, grew up in the shadow of Britney; it took years for Jess separate herself from her. How ironic that Ashlee’s big day ends up spent in the shadow of Britney’s little sister."

Her daddy, Joe Simpson said: “Jamie Lynn didn’t just steal the spotlight; she sucked the oxygen out of the week. This week it’s all about her.”
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Oh, please, this week would have been all about somebody anyway, but, not Ashlee. Who the fuck gives a wad about Ashlee Simpson and her REALLY bad single? Joe is deluding himself again. They say, in spite of it all, they are happy for Jamie Lynn. Yeah, happy she'll be as big as a house and covered in stretch marks. These Simpson characters are to much.

An interview with Lynne Spears

On finding out Jamie Lynn was pregnant: " I said, well, it's about goddamn time, your sister gets knocked up just breathing Federline oxygen. We need some money and attention, it's not like you can tap dance or hog call. That Nickelodean stuff is pocket change."

On her reaction: " Shocked at the work in store for me. I now have to deal with finding a nanny for the new paycheck, errr, blessed soul who is joining us here at the Spears farm and hot maternity clothes that show off Jamie Lynn's new cleavage. You should see her teenage nipples! I should call Maxim, let me make a note of that."

On knowing it was real: "I saw the dollar signs..no, I mean, I saw the ultrasound."

On her teenage daughter raising a baby: "We will buy her the best immigrant ever to raise this paycheck. Besides, look what a good mom her sister is. I taught them everything they know."

On if Jamie Lynn and Casey should get married: "We aren't sharing photo money with that hillbilly sperm donner!"

On grandchildren: "They are the best! Little Jippy James and that other one, I call him Stretch-Mark, make my life complete. "

Her hopes for 2008: "That Jamie Lynn pops out triplets, then we can charge OK three million! Keep your fingers crossed!"

Speaking of nobody's with no talent..

Fake twat called off the fake wedding and now she's selling the fake ring.

Heidi: “I turned it into a pendant. It wasn’t my dream ring. I don’t like what it represents. I might sell it.”

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Everyone knows if the bride calls off the wedding she gives the ring back. Spencer probably needs the $12.00 back to buy Summer's Eve.

If you thought Ashley Tisdale was cute..take a look at her sister

Ashley Tisdale's sister Jennifer has a part in the film Bring It On: In It To Win It, which I'm sure will be a big hit because she plays a cheerleader! Because the world needs more average. The world needs more tone deafness and those whiny nasal baby voices that are so popular right now. The world needs more shitty movies about teenagers who are changing the world with their lack of talent and personal fashion lines consisting of cool names and tulle.

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(Leans on elbow and blows a puff of ultra light)..who's going to be famous next? The grease brothers downstairs, Handicapped Chick with her new permanent, Brandon Davis's 5th cousin in law? It has come to this...Andy Warhol was wrong. 15 minutes isn't nearly enough.

Katie is "mom"..Nicole is...Nicole

Katie robotically prattled to Parade Mag about how she and Tommy and Suri are going to Colorado for Christmas and how they all love to cook. Tommy loves making pasta and cookies! Who gives a crap what Tom Thumb cooks..don't a lot of girls like to cook? The most telling thing Robot said was..

Connor and Isabel, "are incredible, really smart and kind. They call me 'Mom'."

Nicole has already revealed that her kids call her "Nicole" and she doesn't much like it. Too bad. Tom Cruise doesn't just have money, he's learned to buy power and he took Nicole's kids like some ex husbands take the big screen TV. There aint shit Nicole can do about it. Her only consolation is seeing them on vacations and knowing that their new "mom" is probably a very nice robot who actually likes them. These people are...so messed up.

At least Katie has been re-programed to stop repeating the word "wonderful" every five minutes. Her new program uses the word..incredible.

Larry Birkhead would like to date Britney

Birkhead: "I think Britney is sexy!"

Larry is trying desperatly to get someone to fix him up with Poontang. Larry has a thing for farked up messes. It's the damsel in distress syndrome, I've seen it before. We all have. Unfortunately, it's not hot. Anna Nicole didn't think it was hot and neither will Britney Spears. Larry dreams of cleaning up her puke, picking her up when she falls over, putting pants on her when she poops herself and someday..someday she will recognize his efforts and say "I love you Larry." Aint gonna happen. Britney Spears would most likely use him for months, then come to one day and say "Who the fucker you, y'all?" Come to think of it, maybe this is a match made by Cupid himself. It's Anna all over again.

Back in July..

Back in July Jamie Lynne's lawyers sent a letter to the Enquirer dealing with the pregnancy rumor..

“Ms. Spears is a devout Christian with a spotless reputation, who lives in accordance with the highest moral and ethical standards in accordance with her faith.

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There is no “rumor” concerning Ms. Spears’ (non-existent) pregnancy, except perhaps for the baseless “rumor” just now being created by the National Enquirer.

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Ms. Spears is not pregnant. It is pathetic for the National Enquirer to attempt to create a wholly baseless “rumor” that Ms. Spears is pregnant, so it can run a malicious story and false story which would be emotionally devastating to a morally upright 16 year old girl.”

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Well, pshaw, I'm not saying the girl is immoral, I'm saying 16 year olds can't raise babies and her life is pretty much ruined and that makes me sad. Bet her lawyers feel stupid now..also I betcha she's actually about 5-6 months pregnant.

Yeah, Peter Andre is not gay

There's Jordans Christmas card. I don't know any man who is going to dress like that for a holiday card. Not even the screaming gay guys I know.

PETA to take Kim Catrell's furs?

Kim Cattrall is donating all the fur coats she wears in the Sex And The City movie to PETA. PETA plans to destroy the value of the coats with paint and give them to the homeless...proving to me that PETA doesn't think quite right. There's a ton of people who'd pay top dollar to own Kim Catrells furs. Why not put an unremovable PETA label in the lining, sell the coats and buy the homeless a TON of warm poly fill coats? I don't think the homeless want to wear stiff ugly ruined fur any more than anyone else does. The real question here (besides how stupid is PETA?) is...how does Kim Catrell own any of the wardrobe from that movie? Besides, Kim Catrell always ended up having sex on her furs..homeless people want to smell like that??

You gotta love this mag cover

Yeah right...according to these liar pants..err, I mean exclusive journalists, Pontang is getting the kids tested for drugs because K-Fed is a toker. What's that grey blob in between them? Is that the pot smoke invading their innocent bodies with evil marihoonie? Or is the real "crisis at home" the fact that mom's insane and smells like motel 6?

Joe's turning Jessica into a hooker..again

Joe Simpson says his next production will be a remake of Pretty Woman with his daughter Jess. Joe says he knows it will be a huge hit and Jess is perfect for the role. He says Jess will be the next Julia Roberts. Uh hu, there ya go..if you ever wondered just how stupid this man really is, now you have a clue.

The Blow is just messing with us

Lindsay Lohan has dumped all her boy friends and is living with Courtenay Semel. Courtenay is the rich daughter of the CEO of Yahoo. The two spend their time holding hands at "power lesbian" parties given by other rich idiots. The Blow's just fucking with us, ya'll. This will detract from her "water" bottle for a week or so.

Fergie Does Blender

"It's like there's one or two things the public knows about every famous person. With Ashlee Simpson, everyone knows she had a nose job. With me, everyone knows I wet my pants on stage and had a crystal-meth addiction, that sucks. You have to laugh."

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She forgets to add that she didn't just pee herself, she squated on stage and peed through her pants because she was too damn high to go to the bathroom. Fergie also likens herself to Princess Di. Hmm, I don't remember seeing Diana urinate on herself in public. Maybe this girl needs to shut up. Maybe if she'd just shut up we could forget it.

There's a lot to laugh at here, but, it's really not that funny

Lynne Spears on the pregnancy: “I didn’t believe it because Jamie Lynn’s always been so conscientious. She’s never late for her curfew. I was in shock. I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby.”

Oh, yeah? Well she wasn't late with her curfew, but, she's sure late with her period..three months late. And just how did this bitch know what time the kid came in since she let 16 year old Jamie go live with her boy friend? Long as those Nickelodeon checks keep rollin' in on time, huu Lynne?

Jamie Lynne on premarital sex: “I definitely don’t think it’s something you should do; it’s better to wait,” she says. “But I can’t be judgmental because it’s a position I put myself in.”

Oh, come on Jamie! You can still judge. Write a book. She's going to raise the baby in Louisiana — “so it can have a normal family life.” These people crack me up..or they would if there wasn't a poor little kid who's going to be raised by them.

Brad Pitt talks about his kids

Yesterday on Charlie Rose Brad said, “I think we’ll crap out somewhere between 7 and 9,” he said. “Yeah, somewhere in there, we’ll crap out.”

I think he means they'll give up by 7 or 9. Not like he thinks babies come from the crapper.

The last to know

Poontang was caught out last night and when paps asked her how she felt about Jamie Lynn's pregnancy, she can clearly be heard saying "My sister is not pregnant. No, y'all, no."

Kevin Federline knew because Lynne told him, but, nobody bothered to tell Britney. Or they did and she forgot. You'd think all those gas stations she hangs out in would have a magazine rack.

Lily Allen is pregnant

Lily Allen, who's rarely photographed without a cigarette in her mouth or a drink in her hands, is pregnant too..by her boy friend who she met only three month ago. Her reps said the couple is "thrilled with the news." Yes. We are all thrilled. I'm guessing in a year she'll be singing for The March Of Dimes telethon.

Michael Lohan as Joseph

Michael Lohan playing Joseph in the nativity scene at Firefighters 9/11 Memorial Park in New York City. If this is what baby Jesus opened his eyes to, no wonder he claimed to be the son of God. Somebody's gettin' smited and smoted good for Christmas.

Jamie Lynn pregnant..Lynnes book on hold

Now that reps have confirmed that 16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant by her 19 year old boy friend, Mama Lynne's book about how to raise children is on hold. Perhaps Lynne should have spent some of that tap dancing lesson money on a health class. I'm sure it will be in her revised book.

Amy Winehouse arrested..sort of

Amy was arrested on today on suspicion of perverting the course of justice. It was questioning in the case against her husband Blake and it was "by appointment." You Brits can explain that, if you want. I guess it's different there then here. If you go in for questioning they call it an arrest.

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I can't see Amy being able to be part of any plot. She doesn't even have her shit together enough to know where she is or how to keep her beehive on straight.

Violet hails a cab

Jen Garners hands were full of umbrellas and baby and the nanny was all tied up trying to fold the stroller...so Violet hailed a cab. She got one too. That's funny. And that's how you know you're a celeb kid, when you can hail a cab in Central Park West. I wonder who paid?

Scrooge

Tyra was mad because we all told how stingy she was and didn't give her staff any Christmas presents, so she threw them a party. There was no food, but, they could get drunk on Tyra. Wow..if that act of generosity wasn't enough, when she left she thanked them all for their hard work and said Santa had a big surprise for them.

Santa comes out and they all go rushing to see what Tyra finally gave them...it was a big sack of McDonald's cheeseburgers. All cold and floppy. Like Tyra.

Penelope trailer

Starring Christina Ricci and Reese Witherspoon...Penelope is the story of a girl born with a pig nose as the result of a family curse. Okay..wtf?? Yeah, I want to see it, how could I not?

Paris goes clubbing with her brother

ParAss took her 18 year old brother, Barron Hilton clubbing in West Hollywood last night. She included Brandon Davis in the nights festivities. Except for his name, Barron seems like a normal kid. You don't see him out often, let alone with Skankity and Greasy. He was probably their designated driver.

Christina Aguilera already has her birth scheduled

When people like you or me have a baby we do what the doctor tells us..either we scream like a banshee while we push a human out our nether regions or if something goes wrong we get a C-section. Stars don't do that. Stars just pay huge bills and tell some medical schlep what they're going to do. Never mind that they have no medical knowledge..they have money. Most of them have C-sections, bikini cut and a tummy tuck right there in the delivery room. Christina Aguilera has hers planned for early next month. It makes me tired..don't these girls realize a C-section is harder on you? It's a major operation, you idiots, not a face peel.

Do YOU have a real birth story for her? Share it with us.

Papa Joe Produtions is broke

Joe Simpson's production company is so broke he couldn't even afford a new photo shoot for this huge box office smash that is Major Movie Star. So he just used an old GQ shot of his little whore, err, girl. Nice, Joe. I thought HE was a photographer? Does it really matter what photo the old daughter loving perv slaps on this thing?

Paris Hilton in a wedding dress

It's from her new movie, The Hottie And The Nottie..you can tell it isn't real because ParAss would never pick that dress to be married in. She'd buy something clingy made of polyester and have little fans attached to her size 14 shoes to blow it over her head. Also, there'd be dogs in little wedding costumes. Boy, I can't wait to see this hit movie! Nottie.

Pam calls off the divorce

Everything is right in the world again..Pam Anderson has called off the divorce. She said she and Rick just got in a huge fight and they are trying to work it out. Uh hu, here they are shopping after she filed. It's easy to figure out what they've been doing. He gave her the old sausage all night long and a few dopey lines about how she's his true love. Rick Saloman isn't going to let her go until he has a sex tape to peddle. It's all so romantic.

Kate Hudson (and Ryder) in Vogue

Yeah, I don't care that it's totally set up and photoshopped, it's the cutest picture of them..ever.

Craziest maybe true rumor of the week

Sources close to Britney claim she is telling them she's going to Vegas to marry Sam Lufti. Her lawyers are begging her to do a prenup, but, she won't listen. Federline hates him, he thinks Sam has a bad temper and has told Britney he'll get a restraining order to keep the guy away from his kids. I'd laugh at this rumor, but, Poontang's crazy enough to do this.

Michael Jackson done did something to his face..again

MJ is like a jig saw puzzle now, his kids have to put all the jagged pieces together at the dinner table before dad can pass the peas. "Look, Blanket has a corner piece, cool!"

Judy Landers today

We no sooner start bitching about Audrey Landers and her sister, whats her name from the 70's in ya face hot file when TMZ digs up Judy..and her daughters Lindsey and Kristy. Dang, TMZ is psychic, it's like they read our minds. Judy's still got her tatas hanging out.

"Irreconcilable Differences"

Oh, geez, Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from Rick Soloman. They almost made it 3 months. What a shocker, huu? Pammy changes husbands more than Britney forgets her underwear.

Ashlee Simpson does Complete Woman

Complete Woman must hate her..they photoshopped this so heavy you can't even tell it's human, let alone Ashlee Simpson. Bet daddy Joe framed it and hung it over his bed.

Katie Holmes Christmas shopping

You know how you realize you're rich? When you go into stores that have nothing in them and you buy it anyway. Then they put the nothing that cost 100 grand into a logo bag that cost 200 dollars to make and you hand it to some flunky you hired for another 100 grand to carry the thing for you. Then you smile, get in your custom 300 grand SUV and drive away to look for more haute nothing.

Jessica Alba's pregnant ass

If we liked her it would be just the pants, but, since Alba does nothing but talk about how hot she is..it's the ass. We now know she's pregnant, has herpes and is dumber than dirt and yet, she STILL thinks she's better than us. Ha ha..this pregnancy is going to be fun. She hid her face because she's even meaner than usual. I didn't think that was possible.