Piss off and die, you wanker

Peggy Sue got owned

Nick Cage won his lawsuit against Kathleen Turner for saying in her dumb book that he was arrested twice for drunk driving and that he stole someones dog. She had to apologize, pay all his legal fees and donate to a charity of his choice. Told ya she was a big fat liar pants.

Bouncie married that ugly guy

In news that makes me yawn, People is claiming Beyonce married Jay-Z in some not so secret lavish ceremony last night. People also reports that 50,000 to 60,000 white orchid blooms from Thailand were delivered. Then they used that top photo, which shows a bunch of cheap trinkets being dropped off. You got ripped, Jay-Z..those look like daffies to me. I just can't wait to see photos of her married armpits. Yawn, yawn, yawn.

The new Katie Price

That's Jordan, Katie Price with her new look. I shit you not, that's her. I can just hear her kids crying now, asking when is their mommy's coming home? Uh, never kids, unless mommy divorces Peter Andre and marries a good surgeon or a wizard.

How did Shiloh get her tooth chipped?

Sources close to the clan say Shiloh got her tooth chipped during a kid fight at Brad and Angie's compound. Zahara is blamed because she's the most aggressive, clawing and shoving Shiloh over cookies and food, and pulling the baby's hair. Angie is said to be worried about Z's behavior.

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I think this rumor is true, lots of kids equals lots of kids fighting. I'd like to get Shiloh some self defense lessons. Z is too big for her britches.

How the fuck long does this have to go on???

Malawi's government has recommended that its High Court formally approve Madonna's adoption of little David Banda. It's almost done. Almost.

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For cripes sake, she's his mother. When will the paperwork be final, when he's in college?? Malawi doesn't want anyone who's not Malawian to adopt their orphans. No one will ever adopt from this stupid backwards ridiculous country (republic?) again after this. Their orphans will die of starvation, disease and poverty, but, by golly they will die in Malawi. Idiots!

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Can you tell I'm pissed? They seriously piss me off. David Banda must be the only person born there who is not retarded.

More Sex And The City promos

Wheeeeee, it's raining flowers and rainbows are coming out my ass!

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Here's my deal. When I heard there was going to be a movie, I said, cool! The girls are like old friends I haven't seen in awhile. Now they have shoved this crap in my face for so long they've become like old friends who insinuate themselves back in your life and call you 30 times a day and send you mass emailed spam and show up at your door at 4 am because some guy never called them and they want to talk. Or die. My suggestion would be, die.

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I doubt I'll ever see the movie now, even if it's laying in the street, free. They've worn out their welcome.

Jamie Lynn turned 17

Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge out on her birthday. That picture tells the whole story of what her life will be like if she marries him. This is the saddest picture I've seen all month.

Anne Hathaway's boyfriend accidentally thought he was rich

Raffaelo Follieri wrote a check for $250,000 when he didn't even have anything close to that in the bank. He was arrested. It could happen to anyone. The other day I forgot I wasn't rich and bought a 40 foot yacht. I had to return it the next day and I'm still mad. My yachting clothes were on sale. No return on sale items. Life is such a bitch sometimes.

Gummi looks good

Jason Davis is looking good lately. His diet or whatever it is, is working. Gummi Bear is one of those non celeb celebs, famous only because his family has money, if he was a chick he'd be called a heiress and have a clothing line. I don't see why he bothers people so much. So, he likes lounging on beaches in his dress and purse, and fighting with Perez over who has the biggest pee weener...he just doesn't bother me. His brother, Greasy Bear..now there's a problem.

Marla Maples is hard up

I'd heard the rumor that Andy Baldwin was seeing Marla Maples, but, never saw a picture to prove it. There's a picture. Geez, doesn't this guy have a job? Isn't he in the Navy? How come he's on vacation all the time? Why won't he just go away!?? Gaaaaaaaaa!

Anger management doesn't work

Naomi Campbell was arrested this morning and forcibly removed from Heathrow Airport by police for assaulting an officer after an altercation with airline staff who lost her bag.

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Naomi really needs to become a dominatrix. There are tons of good looking guys who'd pay her big bucks to smack then around, bust their heads with Blackberries and stomp on them with stiletto's. She's getting a little long in the tooth for the super model thing anyhow.

Amy Winehouse thinks demons are bugging her

Amy is moving from the place she's in (again) because she believes the place is haunted and full of demons. She honestly believes these demons have caused some of the problems she has in life.
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Sigh. I see a lot of things in my line of work, (waves at my ghost hunting partner, Peg) but, demons? How would you even know it's not some grouchy old dead fart playing you? I hate naming the dead or undead. Whatever they are, I doubt Amy can outrun them. Know what I mean?
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I DID meet a long dead restroom attendant yesterday, she was so nice. I'll tell that in comments, if you wanna hear it. If not, then just stare at Amy's face for awhile. That'll give you chills.

Get out of her way or she'll throw her kid at you

Kate Moss on the beach with some kiddies including her own, Lila Grace (in the plain dress)..and Kate at LAX attacking paps with a luggage cart, the problem with that was that Kate forgot she put her daughter on the front of the cart. Poor Lila Grace. Letting Kate Moss babysit your kid is like letting Michael Vick walk your dog.

Tracey Ullman as Dina Lohan

I love Tracey, this is why. Bitch don't care, if you're stupid, she WILL get you.

Hey, OK mag..

I found the 15 pounds you said Britney lost with miracle food. (rolls eyes)

I've sunk to a new low

Stealing from Perez. Geez, how bored am I? Perez made good on his threats to Mayer by posting these pics on his blog and claiming he made out with John. He claims it's 100% true.

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Where are the make out pics, Mario? Because if it had happened you'd have had a camera and posted it 10 min later. If you'd fucked him, you'd have had a camera up your pudgy behind and be giving away Mayer spooge, as a prize, in some blog contest.

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Do not ask me why Perez is pissed at John, I already posted that.

Jon and Kate plus 8

Anyone else watch this? Jon and Kate had twin daughters then tried for another baby and got six. Eight kids, now 6 and 3 years old. I love them all, the parents are real parents who love their kids and try to do right by them, but, don't even pretend that they don't almost lose their minds at times. The kids are the sweetest most adorable babies..who are also real. They get mad, have melt downs, fight and then make you laugh. Great reality show, they entertain me.
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New pic of Valentina

Salma Hayek out shopping with her 6-month-old daughter Valentina Pinault. That baby is so cute and the name is growing on me. She's almost as adorable as my readers kids. We have some seriously cute kids on this site on Sundays.

Amanda Bynes does Seventeen

No story here, Amanda is oddly cute and non scandalous, I just cracked up at the yellow text "Get this ring for free!" I'd hope you could get that ring free, I'd hate to meet the brain dead loser who'd pay for that thing.

Whitney made Bobby do drugs..it's all her fault

Bobby Brown is claiming ex wife, Whitney Houston caused him to be a druggie..

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"I never used cocaine until after I met Whitney. Before then, I had experimented with other drugs, but marijuana was my drug of choice," Brown writes in "Bobby Brown: The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But," out next month. "At one point in my life, I used drugs uncontrollably. I was using everything I could get my hands on, from cocaine to heroin, weed and cooked cocaine."

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I don't give a crap who gave who drugs or if they snorted Draino..all I see when I look at them is him digging a butt doodie out of her ass. Not kidding. You didn't hear that? Yeah, she was constipated, they were both messed up and she had him dig around and get her stuck turd out. That's not rumor, they admitted it themselves on their reality show. You can't make a comeback after that.

Greasy Bear is now an art dealer

Brandon Davis says he is now a legitimate art dealer and proved it by selling these two Warhols, Marilyn and Flowers, for 400 grand.

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I may not be the sharpest pencil in the box, but, if you sold a Warhol your commission alone would probably be 400 grand. And unless you were absolutely brain dead you would pack and pad a Warhol just to move it across the room. I don't believe you Greasy Bear, you're probably still dealing nickle bags to Lohan (on credit) and living in a relatives car.

Who the frick is Eddie Cibrian?

I never heard of him, but, Eddie will play Ugly Betty's sister, Hilda Suarez's new love interest since her stupid moody bf got killed off and Hilda is way too hot to go without. He's good looking. I hope he's nice to her kid Justin, because I LOVE Justin (Mark Indelicato.)

OK is moronic too

Miracle food? It's called meth and photoshop. If photoshop had been invented when meth was, man would I look good..wait..I didn't need either one back then. To the person who has my naked photos...please publish them. I'll pay you.

True..or more Star made up BS?

“Kevin wants to take Britney away to see if there is anything to salvage between them,” a family friend tells Star. “When he suggested it to her, she told him she was ready to go anytime he was.”

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An interesting story, but, who knows if it's true? I do know that Brit wants Kevin back. She's ask him many times and still has her wedding dress displayed in a glass case in her home. Kevin has been kind about all the crazytrain news and has said he'll always love Brit as the mother of his children. Doesn't sound hopeful to me. Supposedly the trip was instigated by Brits dad who IS close to Kevin, so who knows? I like the way the Star snidely implied that SHE would pay for the vacation, on the cover.

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I really wanna know how Shiloh chipped her toof though.

Dita Von Teese's house!!!

Forget the gossip about Dita's les sex tape (do not care, won't look) but, I get so excited over celeb house photos. That looks sort of looks like my bedroom..OMG! More pics and an interview HERE.

Is Brit hiding from PETA?

PETA is was so impressed by Poontangs receptionist role on How I Met Your Mother they have offered her a one hour gig as their real receptionist. The job pays $1,000 dollars to be donated to the charity of her choice. Now, I bitch..

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First of all, what kind of retard thinks because she played a receptionist that she could actually BE a receptionist?? Excuse me while I call McDreamy to check my blood sugar level. WTF? And, how is someone as famous as Poon only worth 1,000 dollars..it's insulting as shit coming from an organization as big as PETA. You know they think she'd donate it back to them, so basically they are giving her something they already have, getting it back, and hoping all the Brit fans will support their disgusting cruel practices. If I was Britney I'd donate two thousand to an anti-PETA fund and tell them to shove a badger up their dirty cracks.

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PETA..my assholes of the century award goes to you.

Beck's mom unhappy with this ad

David Beckham says he was very nervous about the underwear ads because of his mom. He implied she was a little upset about it.

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"When the photos first came out, she was the first one to call me and say, 'What are you doing?' I tried explaining it to her, but she didn't really get it."

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I tried to put myself in her place and decided it might upset me too. A little. Only because you couldn't avoid it and the ad is made so your eye goes right to his crotch. Uncomfortable for his mother. Eww. I don't get how women are supposed to go nuts over this anyhow. I like Beck's face, I couldn't give a popcorn fart about the bulge in his underpants. I think that ad is for gay men. Gay men buy way more Armani underpants than straight women.

Zombie Strippers stars..Jenna Jameson

You'd better order your copy in advance because this is a limited release that will become a collectors item. Cough. I watched a two hour bio on Jenna last night, so I now know more about her than I ever needed to know. My conclusions? She is not that interesting, her life story is the story of 16 million other un-abused misunderstood girls. She chose her life, she likes it and she is not retarded. She is also no genius, I don't care what the porn industry people say. She was smart enough to copyright the name Jenna and has a huge following that buy all her Jenna dildos, dolls and ball caps. Whatever. I do not hate her, I do not like her. She is boring. Jenna hates being called a prostitute or whore..she says she is simply a business woman. So, Dear Jenna, you are a business woman, who's a whore. Nuthin' wrong with that in my book..you are a better business woman than me. I just gave it away for free. My bad.

Jackie baby!

I don't want to talk about Sly Stallone's mothers face (She has too much money and time on her hands)..but, I DO love second hand gossip from people who've met her. My aunt, who's almost 90 and still loves gambling in Vegas several times a year, said Jackie Stallone came right up to her on the street outside the hotel and gave her an unsolicited psychic reading. Jackie claims to be a semi famous psychic. My aunt, who is a little goofy, but, not senile yet, said it made no sense at all and never has. She thinks Jackie might be nuts.

Back in the USA

Sigh...crabbie and I had to cut our trip short because we had to do some Smackdown and we realized we couldn't talk face to face. Only on the phone or computer. So we came home and turned on MSN. HERE's the latest Smackdown.

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P.S...You totally would have bought my photoshopped England picture if it didn't have those damn tree shadows behind my head, which were real, and I didn't have time to get rid of. So stuff it. Crabbie and I will get to England (for me) and France (for him) someday. I continue to buy lotto tickets and he has a kidney for sale.

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My apologies to whoever that cute guy is in the photo with me. Crabbie said he looked like an insufferable douche with a stupid hat. I said, he looks JUST like you, that's why I chose him, otherwise we'd have been in France and you'd be a bald fat guy which were the only tourists I could find in France. Doh. Men are so vain.

Why the blog is slow today

OMG! I can't even believe this, but, I'm blogging from Jolly Old England today! I am SO not joking. We are in London and I am still pinching myself. By we, I mean me and Crabbie! You wondered what he looked like, here we are..look at the skyline! OMG, It's Big Ben! Crabbie HATES having his photo taken so don't bitch about the quality, it's probably the only one I'll get with him in it with me.

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We managed to rent some laptops at the Hotel, and they're great, but, I can't find my fav sites..OH, and check this out...£ £ £....it has that instead of the dollar sign!!!

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The weather is fantastic, it's like 55 degrees and cloudy. I can't wait for real London rain! Thank You, crabbie for taking me to London just because I've always wanted to come here. I know you wanted to go to France...we will get there!

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The reason I didn't want to tell anyone about this trip before now, was because I'd lost my birth certificate and I was born in LA..do you know how long it takes to get it for your passport when you were born in LA??? Forever..I didn't think we'd make it, it came yesterday morning and here we are..right on schedule!!!!

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I LOVE LONDON!!!! Oh, P.S...I cured crabbie of gay. April NOT fools. For real and love it here. I'll get the hang of this British blogging real soon!!! We're going to Piccadilly Square now!

Four shoes, two douches

Cameron Diaz in the white ones, Ashlee Simpson got the red version. Cam's toes hang over, Ashlee seems to have become Latino and neither pair fits either douche. Stars (or wanna be stars in Simpsons case) must stop accepting free shoes from whore designers who don't send the right size. They aren't that cute anyway, but, at least the aren't Gladiators.

Ok, I have finally been shocked. SHOCKED!

Dakota Fanning is 4 months pregnant!!! Dakota has not been seen out for awhile and now her reps have confirmed the star is pregnant. 14 year old Dakota released a statement saying "This is a private issue and I have no intention of marrying at my age, or ever. I have my own production company in the works and I am a very good investor. This child will be well taken care of. I am quite capable of making my own decisions at this point in my life and career and would greatly appreciate some privacy now."

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OMFG! Are you kidding me? What in the world is going on with this kid???

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NOTE...APPRIL FOOLS! My apologies to Dakota Fanning, though I thought my dialog was spot on.

The Brodericks, out on the town

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick going out to the premier of her movie Smart People. I liked that photo (it's just so NY brownstone), they look sharp and whatever the Hell it is they have going obviously works for them. To live a celeb life with no scandal is rare.

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Update: I didn't know THIS, crabbie told me. Dang!

Brad and Angie's used bed

There's Bad and Angie's "compound" in Cedar Creek, Texas. It used to be owned by wrestler The Undertaker and he left his giant custom made bed. The bed is so huge that the bedroom had to be designed to accommodate it. Brad had said if he and Angie got one more kid they'd need a bigger bed so now they have it. It's 9 feet wide..think about that.

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Yeah, I know when you sleep in a hotel the bed is used (gross me out) and I've bought used beds, but, they can't even change the mattress on that thing, it's all custom. And the guys name was The Undertaker. I just find it shivery and kind of yucky. I'm also not surprised that the "compound" is ugly..almost everything in Texas is ugly. All you Texans may bitch in the comments, I've been there many times and it's FUG. Bigger aint better when it's FUG.

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I'm mildly amused that normal wealthy people have estates or mansions, but, these people need "compounds." What are they now, the fucking Kennedys?

Cate Blanchett is almost ready to give birth

Cate Blanchett will give birth to her third child soon and I wish her good luck. I like Cate, but, damn! Buy some friggin' maternity clothes. Rag me all you want, people, this looks stupid and uncomfortable and she's not living on food stamps. Buy some GD maternity wear.

Jen's got her own production company

Jen Aniston has started her own production company called Echo Films and has already bought the rights to some interesting projects. I told you something was up with her, she's out of her funk and back on her game. She was part owner in another production company once, with Brad, but, gave it to him in the divorce. The part of Marianne Pearl was supposed to be hers, but, we all know who got that...and how it bombed. I remember watching that whole thing and thinking...man, I'll bet Aniston is laughing now. I would have been. Now she has better things to do than wait for Brad to admit he screwed up. Good for her.

Can't peeeee!

Jessica Simpson was released from Cedars Sinai today, where she's been hospitalized since Friday for a kidney infection. Tony Romo was not with her, he had better things to do than watch her not pee. I have never met a woman in my entire life who didn't know what this is all about, but, just take the Amoxicillin and shudup. Hospital, my aching ass. I'll bet she drove the nurses nuts ordering Chicken Of The Sea because she can't eat fish.

Let me break this down to a short story

Heath Ledgers family, who handled his death with such dignity are now fighting over control of his estate. His dad is called a fuck up with money by uncles and dad claims the estate is worth less than 200 grand. But, that little Matilda will be take care of. NOW...relatives say Heath has another daughter fathered when he was only 17. How old would that make the kid now? I'm bad with math.

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Anyhow, they all sound like sorry sonsabitches and Matilda will be taken care of by her quite successful mother. As for Heath, the dude can't even roll over in his grave because they cremated him.

OMG! Lopez is endangering her babies!

The curtains, the drapes, the bows, the toys, they are all suffocation devices according to the "experts". The windows have no lock!!! Oh, man! Remove those children from that home immediately!!

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Uhhhh, I may be naive, but, those two don't look like they're up to much to me. I could be wrong, that baldish one looks sneaky. I'll bet she slips knock out drops in the nannies tea, gets up in the wee hours and shimmies down the $500,000 endangered landscaped tree outside the million dollar nursery and poses for paps in a bikini.

I think Ricky Martin is brave

What's so brave about a celeb giving awareness to the plight of child trafficking? Because, someone like me can't do anything, but, cry. Sure, I could make a blog about it that no one would read or have a bake sale and give the 40 dollars to some potentially phony charity..but, Martin can bring real awareness and I hope more celebs join him. He's brave to be able to hold those babies and look in their eyes. I'm afraid it would make me want to die. You can read about it HERE.

Paris fall down, go boom

ParAss and Benji were being chased by paps and PasAss fell on her face and got injured. Benji told the paps off, saying she fell because of them and now she's hurt. Benji needs to wise up, the paps were there because ParAss called them for an easy op. It's not like ParAss and Benji are major stars. I feel bad that she hurt her face though, she wants to be a movie star now, and the kinds of movies she will be cast in will reqire knob jobs.

Jamie Lynn shows off her ring

Jamie Lynn, we don't need that redneck yuk yuk T to tell us the rumors are true. She did manage to hold up her new marquis cut diamond from 18 year old Casey. A marriage made in Heaven..My Space says so.

Hayden saves innocent camels

Hayden PantyLiner has moved on from saving whales and dolphins to stopping the killing of innocent camels for their toes. Here she is showing the camel toe she fought to save, the puppy is a prop..she's going to make a purse out of him.

Hilary Duff drops a scorpion in her pants

Duff dumps a life Scorpion in her pants, in War Inc., and dances sexy like having a Scorpion in your pants is loads of fun. Frankly, if I had a Scorpion in my pants, I'd also have a load in my pants, and I'm a Scorpio. Anyone else think it's odd that she wouldn't let Joel Madden in her pants, but, a giant fugly pinching creature is okay?

Bosworth's drunken love scene

Kate Bosworth talks about her love scene with Jim Sturgess in their new movie 21...

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"We were both so drunk," the Superman Returns star said. "Jim and I became such good friends, we decided to have a couple of drinks, loosen up and go for it."

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Jim Sturgess doesn't even remember doing the scene:
"We were on Grey Goose, I think," said the British actor. "It was brilliant for about half and an hour. As we continued to drink ... it just became sloppy and messy. I couldn't stand up at one point."

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I think I'll have to get drunk in order not to make a joke of how anyone who climbed on her could not be sober. And also that her ears would make good handles.

Tyra at the Fiercee Awards

Tyra Banks at the First Annual Fiercee Awards" to honor the women of "America's Next Top Model".....that's the award? It looks like a mud flap. Besides, most of those messed up in the heads top models were never seen again. You see Carrie or Jaslene at some event once in awhile, I never see any of them in the fashion pages. The only Top Model who ever did a damn thing after ANTM was Adrianne Curry. She married a Brady and got to meet Flo Henderson. Flo explained the virtues of Depends to her. This shit is a joke and so is Tyra. The only one on ANTM who's actually fierce is Mizz J, and he's an irritating bitch.

Nicole having a flash?

I have better things to do today than make fun of Nicole Kidman for sweating at Kieth's Aussie concert. Geez, she's a human, that's news, huu? I'd have thrown the sweater in the trash, but, if I ever went to an outdoor concert in Australia, I would end up a grease puddle on the ground. Her face looks cute here. She's old enough to have a hot flash and young enough to be pregnant. May whatever Deity she worships have mercy on her for the next few months.