I'm kind of depressed today. My trigeminal neuralgia is acting up. After almost a year of keeping it in check with meds it's begun again and now I'm upping the dosage. I wonder how long it'll be until the medication no longer works.
Hi DD :) I don't have much to complain about other than those fucking asshole trolls that have made it necessary for you to put this great blog on mods ! I'm just in the mood to slap their fucking ugly fat faces bunch of jackasses ! Leave DDs granddaughter alone you jerks go get yourself institutionalized & FUCKOFF !
Thanks Pat, the only other person I can vent about this too is my hubs, definitely can't put it on my page.
OK. SO. Back story:
My parents were on and off (in an unhealthy way) most of my early childhood. They finally totally separated when I was like 7. Since then it was just the two of us. She always said she didn't want to date. She was fine. She was happy. She was strong and independent. She didn't want to be one of "those people" with men in and out of my life. Whatever.
My mom used to work for a very large engineering firm back home in Detroit. After Katrina hit NOLA she was transferred down there to work on the rebuild. She was there for 2 years when the funding ran out and the company had to pull out. She came home and was offered a position in ... IRAQ. Doing the same thing, rebuilding. My whole family thought she was absolutely nuts for even considering it. My uncle had JUST passed and HELLO it was IRAQ. But she took it and went.
2 months later I get a phone call that she has met someone and "Are you sitting down, Elizabeth?" - he's MY AGE. Even better? HE'S AN IRAQI citizen. She says he thinks her obesity (to put it honestly) is sexy and he's falling in love with her. She jokes with him that she'd marry him just so he could get a green card. 3 months later their engaged and it's TRUE LOVE. Keep in mind, my uncle passed and left her a very very very large amount of money (plus the hazard pay she was making in Iraq) AND this guy can't even hop on a plane and come to America unless he marries her. Because of the situation over there they can't date or even act like their involved. They are both living on an airforce base. My mom is THE ONLY white woman over there. Not the real world, not normal courting circumstances.
She comes home, project is over, she starts to act like a clueless school girl, showing my family dirty texts from him and telling us TOO MUCH INFO.
I never once took it seriously. From day 1 all I could see or hear is SCAM SCAM SCAM TROUBLE. But 3 months later they were married in Turkey. She comes back to USA and is pay (what I guess is) exorbitant amounts of money to an immigration attorney to get him to the USA.
At this point I am married and pregnant, but my "issues" with her situation cause her to choose to go be with him overseas and miss my entire pregnancy. She came to the hospital when Sam was born (HE had still not been approved for a visa---shocker)but she knew I still was uncomfortable with what she had done. My reservations? besides what I've already said, were that I didn't want some stranger who was with a wealthy American woman twice his age coming into mine or my child's life if it wasn't "FOR REAL". I told her I wanted to see it happen and work in the real world- in America, living together, working, having normal relationship dynamics etc.
Jan 2009 we move to Jersey. Our mother/daughter convos are centered around my daughter, which is fine with me. Talking about HIM or IT just causes tension because she says she doesn't understand me. In September, days before my birthday, his visa is approved and he is on first flight here. I tell her I haven't changed because in my eyes their relationship is only still beginning.
Since then things have gone even more down hill. She spends so much money on him and doesn't seem to be taking care of herself at all (medically). He can't work till his greencard comes so he sits at her house all day while she works and goes back to school. She rarely calls and I have to prompt her to talk to or about Sam. She is always preoccupied and honestly it's like she's not even listening, saying I didn't tell her things which I did tell her days ago.
The whole thing has been brought up again because I offered to pay for a flight for her to come to Jersey for 2 days to see Sam. She was on a break from school and would only miss 1 day of work. She hasn't seen Sam since June.
She says no. She REFUSES to travel without her husband. "You just don't do that, pick up and go, when you're married" she says.
So now I'm pregnant again. We are without our friends and family here in NJ. I'm starting to think about how I will be able to have my husband at my side when I give birth and who will take care of Sam (&the dog &cat) while we're in the hospital. My first thought is my mom of course, but she won't come unless he can come. My mother inlaw doesn't travel so she's out of the question.
So my best friend is going to come help, the only other person I've ever left Sam alone with. Thank goodness.
I'm just so freaking pissed off, frustrated and sick at this whole situation. I don't know if I'm being too skeptical or what, I just have an AWFUL gut feeling about it. On top of that I feel like I'm her child, Sam is her (only) grandchild, why are we not priorities over this stranger?
Sorry that was so long Pat, you can delete it if you need too!
Peg, I made x-mas sugar cookies because it would remind me of my childhood and a friend found me some silver dragees to decorate them with. So, I make all these cookies, a double batch, I gave a plate load to my daughter & her BF. He ate all but 1. He's tall & thin. I swear I am the only person in my house eating the damn cookies! I Know what went into them and I will be damned to waste them! Yea, butter, sugar, more butter & more sugar, eggs...and lots of time cutting them out & icing them. I am also feeling like a cow! Gotta stop or I wont fit into my jeans. I am also wondering if anybody else has noticed the commercial for Orbitz where the "Hernandez's" are greeted by the funny guy on the hovercraft? Have you noticed that they have edited out the funny as hell part? The part where he says their name and adds about 2 extra "ez's" at the end of their name? It was too funny. I guess it was politically incorrect. So now he just says it correctly. It was funny before, now its lame. Just sayin' rox
Biz, damn. You seemed so normal, I should have known you have a koo koo in the family nest somewhere. Geeez. Well, your mom is an adult and you can't do anything about her life. I can't believe she hasn't seen Sam in so long, that would drive me nuts. I'm just glad you have a friend you trust to stay with Sam while you have the baby. Maybe your mom will come around by then? There is a remote (very remote) chance that her new husband really is a great guy who loves her. I guess you'll just have to hope that's the case, but, not count on her for anything.
I'm happy for her if she's happy, but she doesn't even sound super happy. I do hope that eventually, after they've experienced normalcy, and made it, that I'll be able to reevaluate and start to accept it all.
Biz, Wow, that sounds heartbreaking! I feel for you in that situation. Your Mother is blinded right now and won't see what the situation is until this man has what he wants and is gone. That is really horrible. It really sounds like he has her brainwashed into believing he is in love with her! WOW, Just Wow...good luck!
My only bad thing today is the fact that it is ass biting cold. I can't go outside and I froze my ass off pumping gas!!! It is suppose to snow either tonight or tomorrow, uggghhh!
Pat, does it help to leave your water trickle at night to keep the pipes from freezing? That's what we do since all out plumbing is on the outside walls and freeze when the temps go down below zero. The insulation in this place is non existent.
Peg, it WAS trickling and still froze. When it gets to be 25 below, there's nothing that won't freeze. I am washing dishes, taking a bath and shampooing my hair before it freezes again. GAWD, I hate Iowa.
Oh, and I am filling jugs and pans with extra water.
Someone gave my kids an Ouija Board for Christmas. And I'm NOT going to let them play with it!
I used one many times as a kid and it always worked -- you could see that no fingers were touching the planchette or whatever you call it -- it was just moving around spelling stuff out really fast.
I tried it again several years ago as an adult, with my niece. At first it was ok. But that last time, it just started to do freaky things... it was mocking us, and called us bitches (it sounds hilarious, but trust me, it wasn't). We said a polite goodbye, and it ran off the side of the board after going around in circles a zillion times. We said "why are you doing that?" and it responded, "because it's fun." Haven't used one since.
Oh, and in my experience, the first few times you use a Ouija board, it doesn't work. You have to build up to it and be serious while you're doing it. It took us 4 or 5 times of sitting on the floor foreeeever, backs hurting, to get the planchette to move with any speed at all. The more we used it, the faster and more responsive it got.
No way am I letting my kids open some portal I won't know how to close!
Biz, I am sorry to hear that your Mom is falling short in the being a mother dept. I really do not have any advice because my Mom is the same way. I stopped driving my kids 6 hours to see her and Guess What? She has not seen them for going on 3 years. I got sick of making all the effort. She too is too far up my step fathers ass to be a Mother or grandmother. Classic example, My step-fathers daughter was dx with cancer, she took a month off work and went with him and her to Washington State to get treatment. Why my daughter was dx with thyroid Cancer last year, she couldn't take an hour flight from Chicago to Cleveland to see her, this after telling her she would be there. So just know you are not alone and I will be thinking of you.
i have nothing to bitch about today (shocking for me). OK, how about this, I wish I was at peg's to eat cupcakes or rox's to eat cookies. those are my weakness! not ice crea, or chips . every one has their go to snack. i wish mine was celery.Sorry Biz 'bout your situation. I remember when my mom met her dead 2nd husband. She was all school girl giddy. He was a pecker. Referred to me as a "whore" because I had a child out of wedlock. Of course she knew better than to tell me that until after they separated. I would have lit his ass up. I think he was bipolar or something. Too bad he died.
Pat I think about you almost every morning when I listen to a morning radio talk show. When they go over the weather they always say the coldest place and lately it's been Iowa.
Related: I taught Sam to say brrrrrrrr when we go outside. People in the parking lot at A&P were cracking up the other day. So cute.
I wish there was something I could do to help you, Pat. I'm sending you warm thoughts for an early thaw. Meh. Probably won't help. . . Biz---I hope that either your mom is really happy, and just stressed, going to work and school, and separated from her family, or that she comes to her senses and kicks him to the curb. Maybe he will leave once he gets his green card, anyway. Is there any reason why she can't pay his way down to where you are, and put him up in a hotel? She really can't allow him to stay with your little Sam if you don't know him. I don't know how hospital regulations are where you are, but here. . . women are allowed two visitors while in hospital. The dad counts as one, and the other one must be screened at the desk, and wear a tag confirming their status as approved. (All due to H1N1.) Your mom couldn't bring her husband to visit unless your husband left to allow him to come in. Something for her to think about, if policies are the same in the east as in the west. (I think it is national). I'm sorry you're going through what you are, especially during pregnancy.
We are just leaving to go to a doctor appointment for our son. I think he's depressed, can't sleep, isn't eating much, too thin, feeling poorly since Nagypapa died. He isn't motivated to do anything, and his grades are on the brink. My MIL has been driving me buggy today, too. Everyone has a right to grieve in their own way, but I'm having a hard time handling hers.
Biz, Okay, I know some will say she's an adult she can do what she wants, it's her life, etc... True, but we have families and should think of them. Especially when your old enough to be someones grandmother.
If hope she is spending all that inheritance on this new guy who needs a visa, and not on her grandchildren's education, etc.. that is shitty. She should be there for you and the kiddies.
I think you have every right to be skeptical of the whole situation. I would be. You ought to remind her that these kids of yours are her flesh and blood. WTF? Do you have siblings? What about your father, her ex? Is he still alive? What does everyone else in the family think? I think you are getting robbed. I hope your friend can understand that your mother has lost her sense and help you out when the new baby comes. WTF? That is what a mother/grandmother is for....
Anon 6:13, I just looked up trigeminal neuralgia. aka the Suicide Disease. I hope your meds kick in and keep working for you *non-touching, quiet hug*
Biz..wow. It's hard to watch someone crash and burn like that. I don't think you're being too skeptical and you have a right to be frustrated. Pat's right though, there's nothing you can do if your mom won't listen and maybe he will turn out to be genuine.
I hate the fact that the trolls have made it necessary to have the blog on moderation. I haven't posted in a long time because of it. I feel all out of sorts with the space time continuum. I post...I see nothing...i check back...I still see nothing...Did I post? Didn't I? Damn the trolls!
And can you believe that she gets upset when Sam can't say Grandma yet?! Sam doesn't know what a Grandma is, she doesn't remember her, how is she supposed to even know the word? Grrr...
Yikes Biz! I can so feel your pain. My mom is the exact same way. When she has a man, it's all about him. She was married to the biggest asshole for 11 years and missed out on my kids lives to the point that they didn't know her at all. I wasted so many years trying to change her when I finally had an epiphany. She is who she is and will never change. She will never be who I want her to be and it's not my fault. Once I realized that she's just not capable, I was able to release the anger and expectations. Some people just aren't cut out to be mothers. Best you can do is break the chain with your own kids and rely on people you can trust. Blood isn't really thicker than water, in my opinion.
Pat, fill the tub, too. Then at least you can flush the toilet. My pipes have been frozen since Sunday. With everything that went on, I forgot to let them drip.
I shut the water off at the street and opened all faucets, but god only knows if or how many pipes are broken. I'm afraid to even think about it. Ran over to a friends to shower, etc., and have bottled water.
Biz, hopefully your friend is a good friend and will be there. Your mom has temporarily lost her marbles over this guy. It happens. I feel for you though, a baby is a big deal and you want family there. I had my first one alone, far from home. That sucked. I can't understand how your mom would miss this. It just boggles my mind. I'm already trying to figure out how to be with my daughter when she has her baby and she's not even pregnant yet. LOL.
If all plans fail, you can send me a bus ticket and I'll stay with Sam. I'll even quit smoking while I'm there, but, I can't promise she won't get pudding three times a day. :)
Biz I'm sorry your mom has her priorities out of order. Espescially when you need her so. Congratulations on the lil one on the way & happy new year. I hope she reconsiders asap. I feel like baking cup cakes or cookies all of a sudden. Kiki :)
Coyote, I'm leaving the shower running tonight, I don't care how much the bill is. You need to call the plumber. Maybe they aren't broken yet. Mine weren't. Man, it sucks, huu?
Biz, what an unusual situation. I'm so sorry your Mom is not there for you when you need her most.
I understand your point of view, but also that your Mom is going to do as her heart tells her. I hope he turns out to be on the up and up.
I worry a little that he's not using her (money) for anything covert. If he returns to Iraq within a short period of time, I'd be very suspicious. Or if he gets involved in anything suspicious over here.
I don't have any advice for you, but I do wish you the best, and hope everything works out for the best. I'm sure it's very difficult coming from a broken home--but at least she had your best interests at heart while you were growing up.
All too often, you hear of interfering mothers/mother-in-laws so this is unusual, to say the least. Again, I wish you and the babies the very best.
Every plumber in the area is busy. The county can't keep up with water main breaks, either. What a mess. To beat all, I just went down in the basement and the rats that cost me 2K to get rid of in the spring are back!!! They told me the first opening they had to come back out was two weeks. I told them I'd see them in court and they could talk to the BBB. They're coming late morning, tomorrow. Everything is a fight. Last time the damn things chewed a hose and caused a flood. The only way I know they're back in is the droppings--they are roof rat and our county is over-run with them. (sorry BeBe--they're not your relatives, I'm sure).
Biz I am sorry about your situation. How close were you to your mom growing up? It's hard to deal with a mother who you can't count on when you need family the most.
I think that you have a lot of company in this department. I too have a non-mothering mother. Since I had my son though things have been better. She does well as a grandma and that's all I can ask for.
I guess I don't have a gripe, it's cold here but nothing like what you have Pat.
I am actually very happy that my son is doing well at daycare. Today was his second day in the toddler room. He is doing awesome. I was very concerned. He is shy and afraid of strangers. I was nervous all day yesterday worried that he would cry and I wouldn't be there to console him or that he would be to upset to eat. I think he is happy for the change of scenery and a more stimulating environment than in the infants room.
I hope everyone is doing well in the new year and keeping warm!
need to read all these, but i ran some errands....then i come home to put something in the oven and PANACEA has an eye issue....off to the vet...scratched cornea....$85....sigh....now i gotta get something in the oven cuz i am starving....it's almost 8pm....
still very upset and shocked over my neighbor's death....her husband stopped to talk to me yesterday and he hadn't heard for sure, but they thought it was a blood clot....basically she died very quick....and he said her mom said at least she wasn't driving the kids when it happened....
i know some of you, especially DD, can empathize with the pain he's going through....the whole time he talked to me he kept twisting his wedding ring....
please keep him and the 2 kids in your thoughts....the memorial service is saturday....
alright....off to get something to eat...then i shall read everyone else's posts....
My brother met his ex-wife in a bar in Japan.....she saw a 'rich' American. He brought her over here, they got married, and she couldn't speak a word of English! He had to call an interpreter on the phone to translate! And,the rich 'American' lived at home with his parents!! The night before they got married, she asked me,"How you no make babies?" She would go back to Japan to 'visit' her nephew (We believed it was really her son), for 6 months at a time....
Just ate cupcake #5. I need an intervention. Valle, bakery goods are my downfall also. I'm not a chip eater or a chocoholic (unless it's frosting on cake or a donut) I don't even drink pop.
There is an excellent bakery close to my house. When I go in there I actually get light headed just from the smell. I would probably weigh 30 pounds less if I could just get this monkey off my back.
KiKi, if you want a cupcake you better hurry up. I predict they'll be gone by tonight.
Biz, You can't change your mom and you can't dwell on the problem right now. You have a bigger "bun in the oven". I just think every woman should have a joyful prenancy. I know that's not realistic but that's what I feel.
You didn't say how old your mom is. I always worry about women my age being conned out of large sums of money by a man. In your case, it looks like money and green card. Since I don't know the Iraqi costums, maybe the age differance isn't a big deal to him and maybe he does like large wqomen. But it is shitty that she should choose him over you and your children. "Love" fucks with your head and she really believes she is in love. Ask her to come when the baby is born and stay in a hotel. (She can come to the hospital and he can stay at the hotel.) If she refuses, try to go on with your life the best you can. You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. And you seem to be lucky there. Be glad that your friend loves you because you are you and not a daughter (or relative). That didn't come out like I meant it to but, I hope you get the idea.
Your mom may eventually realize that she is missing out on something many of us would love to have. Next time you talk to her, tell her there are several "crazy people" on a "crazy website" that are more than happy to be "cyber Grandmas"!
What does your husband have to say about this?
Sending hugs your way and willing to be a "stand in" Granny!!!! Give Sam a kiss from me! I've always wanted to be a granny!!!I think I'll have to pass out cigars! Oh, wait, I haven't been accepted yet!!!
I know continuous pain can be a bitch and even though I have know dea how much pain you are in, I can only imagine it to be a horror. Does your treatment come with therapy? Or even a good friend to keep you grounded. I think I would probably go to a hospital, grab a dr. by the collar, stick a cattle prod in his side, and yell "Get me some fucking help!" But then, I'm not really that stable right now!!!
I wish I could help everyone with pain. With medicine and science as advanced as it has become----THERE SHOULD NOT BE ALL THIS PAIN!!!! Just too damn much.
anyway....biz...sometimes FRIENDS are more like family....it's really unfortunate that your mom is letting you down like this....like others have said, you do what you have to do to keep yourself sane....depend on those who have proven themselves as dependable....
Coyote, you have my sympathy. It's just maddening, isn't it? Also rats in the house are awful. Once a wild rat gets into your house they won't leave. They're agressivre and territorial. Try shooting them. Seriously, a 22 and bird shot. It gets to be fun after awhile.
Biz, I bet her husband has her under his thumb already, she's wondering what she's gotten into and she's putting one foot in front of the other to buy time to see if the situation rights itself. I don't know any Iraqis but I know they don't allow women to make decisions. Their women have to do what they say and do the majority of the work. I doubt she even feels she has options right now. She probably won't admit it until things get unbearable for her.
So many foreigners want desperately to go to the US, believing it to be some kind of magical place where all your dreams come true. If reality doesn't mirror their expectations, they can get unpleasant about it.
pan has a scratch on her cornea (possibly from running into something outside? who knows she won't say)....she has eye ointment, pain meds, antibiotics....and right now she is outside running and playing and having a great time with poli....
I'm still feeling bad for Miss Tia's young neighbor and her family. A blood clot? Oh, yes, I know about that and how quickly it stops the heart. I'm so sorry. It's always heartbreaking when small children lose a parent.
Anon, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Best wishes!
I have chronic pain too of a different kind and was controlled quite well for a long time--until I moved here after Katrina; the doctor I got didn't feel "comfortable" with the levels of my meds (which kept me SANE, calm, and able to sleep) so he changed them all up and now I'm a wreck. I have severe anxiety attacks, PTSD, insomnia, bipolar disorder, diabetes, high blood pressure, GERD, gastroparesis, and IBS, along with the pain. I WAS able to function and work outside the home; now I can't go to Walmart without having panic attacks and Medicaid dropped me 2 years ago when my son got too old. Now I have no insurance, have been repeatedly turned down for disability and haven't had any of my meds in almost 2 months. If I can make it to next week I'll be able to fill some of them but then the month after? I don't know. No pain meds and no alternatives except the black market variety which I have resorted to when I think I can't stand another minute. My hair is falling out from the stress and I am wondering why I keep breathing. What is the use. That's my bitch. If anyone knows an online source for meds (pain), PLEASE PLEASE tell me! Most of them turned out to be scams--the ones I checked, and I don't know where else to turn. I'm losing it. Biz, I'm so sorry about your situation and I think you're absolutely spot-on with the suspicions. I am also an "orphan with a living mother" as I call it and it never stops hurting but you can focus on those who love you back and it helps. DD, and everyone--thank the powers that be for you otherwise I would have no one to talk to.
SolitaryAngel, get a disability lawyer. Seriously. One who doesn't expect payment until you win a claim. It's just ridiculous what you're putting up with.
I just want to send warm thoughts, empathy and hugs to ALL who are suffering any type of pain. No one should have to live like this. One reason we do not get the help we need is because the government tells our doctors how they can treat us. It should not be that way.
Miss Tia, my sympathies for your young neighbor. So sad.
Biz, I am sorry to hear about your problems with your Mom. I hope it will all work out in the end. Many of us here know about the "absent" mom syndrome. Hugs to all.
Everyone - this whole time I kept think maybe I was being ridiculous and being a "brat" about the whole situation but then something would throw it all right back in my face and I stood my ground again and stuck to my gut. In a weird way it is very nice to know that I'm not crazy and pretty much all of yall see where I'm coming from. I just wish my mom could too.
SolitaryAngel - is there any way your current doctor can reach your previous doctor and discuss the dosages? As for cheap medications, sorry, I have no idea. I think DD had a good one if that is something you can pursue - disability lawyer or legal aid lawyer?
Oh how the world does turn! My exhusband was cheating on me with girl....and I mean GIRL, he is 40, she is 24 NOW and he and I have been divorced for over 3 years and they were messing around for a few years before that....I digress....well they got married May, 2008. Now they are splitting up....can you guess why? Oh karma, my dear friend, I thought you had forgotten me.
Still no water here. It could be worse, right? Yeah. What's your beef today?
I'm kind of depressed today. My trigeminal neuralgia is acting up. After almost a year of keeping it in check with meds it's begun again and now I'm upping the dosage. I wonder how long it'll be until the medication no longer works.
ReplyDeleteHi DD :) I don't have much to complain about
ReplyDeleteother than those fucking asshole trolls that
have made it necessary for you to put this great
blog on mods ! I'm just in the mood to slap
their fucking ugly fat faces bunch of jackasses !
Leave DDs granddaughter alone you jerks
go get yourself institutionalized & FUCKOFF !
I'm about to post a doozy..
ReplyDeleteThanks Pat, the only other person I can vent about this too is my hubs, definitely can't put it on my page.
ReplyDeleteOK. SO. Back story:
My parents were on and off (in an unhealthy way) most of my early childhood. They finally totally separated when I was like 7. Since then it was just the two of us. She always said she didn't want to date. She was fine. She was happy. She was strong and independent. She didn't want to be one of "those people" with men in and out of my life. Whatever.
My mom used to work for a very large engineering firm back home in Detroit. After Katrina hit NOLA she was transferred down there to work on the rebuild. She was there for 2 years when the funding ran out and the company had to pull out. She came home and was offered a position in ... IRAQ. Doing the same thing, rebuilding. My whole family thought she was absolutely nuts for even considering it. My uncle had JUST passed and HELLO it was IRAQ. But she took it and went.
2 months later I get a phone call that she has met someone and "Are you sitting down, Elizabeth?" - he's MY AGE. Even better? HE'S AN IRAQI citizen. She says he thinks her obesity (to put it honestly) is sexy and he's falling in love with her. She jokes with him that she'd marry him just so he could get a green card. 3 months later their engaged and it's TRUE LOVE. Keep in mind, my uncle passed and left her a very very very large amount of money (plus the hazard pay she was making in Iraq) AND this guy can't even hop on a plane and come to America unless he marries her. Because of the situation over there they can't date or even act like their involved. They are both living on an airforce base. My mom is THE ONLY white woman over there. Not the real world, not normal courting circumstances.
She comes home, project is over, she starts to act like a clueless school girl, showing my family dirty texts from him and telling us TOO MUCH INFO.
I never once took it seriously. From day 1 all I could see or hear is SCAM SCAM SCAM TROUBLE. But 3 months later they were married in Turkey. She comes back to USA and is pay (what I guess is) exorbitant amounts of money to an immigration attorney to get him to the USA.
At this point I am married and pregnant, but my "issues" with her situation cause her to choose to go be with him overseas and miss my entire pregnancy. She came to the hospital when Sam was born (HE had still not been approved for a visa---shocker)but she knew I still was uncomfortable with what she had done. My reservations? besides what I've already said, were that I didn't want some stranger who was with a wealthy American woman twice his age coming into mine or my child's life if it wasn't "FOR REAL". I told her I wanted to see it happen and work in the real world- in America, living together, working, having normal relationship dynamics etc.
Jan 2009 we move to Jersey. Our mother/daughter convos are centered around my daughter, which is fine with me. Talking about HIM or IT just causes tension because she says she doesn't understand me. In September, days before my birthday, his visa is approved and he is on first flight here. I tell her I haven't changed because in my eyes their relationship is only still beginning.
Since then things have gone even more down hill. She spends so much money on him and doesn't seem to be taking care of herself at all (medically). He can't work till his greencard comes so he sits at her house all day while she works and goes back to school. She rarely calls and I have to prompt her to talk to or about Sam. She is always preoccupied and honestly it's like she's not even listening, saying I didn't tell her things which I did tell her days ago.
....
ReplyDeleteThe whole thing has been brought up again because I offered to pay for a flight for her to come to Jersey for 2 days to see Sam. She was on a break from school and would only miss 1 day of work. She hasn't seen Sam since June.
She says no. She REFUSES to travel without her husband. "You just don't do that, pick up and go, when you're married" she says.
So now I'm pregnant again. We are without our friends and family here in NJ. I'm starting to think about how I will be able to have my husband at my side when I give birth and who will take care of Sam (&the dog &cat) while we're in the hospital. My first thought is my mom of course, but she won't come unless he can come. My mother inlaw doesn't travel so she's out of the question.
So my best friend is going to come help, the only other person I've ever left Sam alone with. Thank goodness.
I'm just so freaking pissed off, frustrated and sick at this whole situation. I don't know if I'm being too skeptical or what, I just have an AWFUL gut feeling about it. On top of that I feel like I'm her child, Sam is her (only) grandchild, why are we not priorities over this stranger?
Sorry that was so long Pat, you can delete it if you need too!
I should have known better than to make cupcakes. I've already eaten 4 of them. I hate myself for being so weak and such a damn hog.
ReplyDeletePat, did you get my email with my pooches pics?
Peg, I made x-mas sugar cookies because it would remind me of my childhood and a friend found me some silver dragees to decorate them with. So, I make all these cookies, a double batch, I gave a plate load to my daughter & her BF. He ate all but 1. He's tall & thin. I swear I am the only person in my house eating the damn cookies! I Know what went into them and I will be damned to waste them! Yea, butter, sugar, more butter & more sugar, eggs...and lots of time cutting them out & icing them. I am also feeling like a cow! Gotta stop or I wont fit into my jeans.
ReplyDeleteI am also wondering if anybody else has noticed the commercial for Orbitz where the "Hernandez's" are greeted by the funny guy on the hovercraft? Have you noticed that they have edited out the funny as hell part? The part where he says their name and adds about 2 extra "ez's" at the end of their name? It was too funny. I guess it was politically incorrect. So now he just says it correctly. It was funny before, now its lame. Just sayin'
rox
Biz, damn. You seemed so normal, I should have known you have a koo koo in the family nest somewhere. Geeez. Well, your mom is an adult and you can't do anything about her life. I can't believe she hasn't seen Sam in so long, that would drive me nuts. I'm just glad you have a friend you trust to stay with Sam while you have the baby. Maybe your mom will come around by then? There is a remote (very remote) chance that her new husband really is a great guy who loves her. I guess you'll just have to hope that's the case, but, not count on her for anything.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks when you can't count on your own mom. Seriously, it does. At least she isn't trying to ruin your life deliberatly. She's just in love. Ish.
ReplyDeleteYeah...
ReplyDeleteI'm happy for her if she's happy, but she doesn't even sound super happy. I do hope that eventually, after they've experienced normalcy, and made it, that I'll be able to reevaluate and start to accept it all.
But until then.. I'm very uneasy
Biz,
ReplyDeleteWow, that sounds heartbreaking! I feel for you in that situation. Your Mother is blinded right now and won't see what the situation is until this man has what he wants and is gone. That is really horrible. It really sounds like he has her brainwashed into believing he is in love with her! WOW, Just Wow...good luck!
My only bad thing today is the fact that it is ass biting cold. I can't go outside and I froze my ass off pumping gas!!! It is suppose to snow either tonight or tomorrow, uggghhh!
ReplyDeleteThe plumber is here and whatever that torch propane thing he's using in the bathroom is..it's giving me a headache.
ReplyDeletePat, does it help to leave your water trickle at night to keep the pipes from freezing? That's what we do since all out plumbing is on the outside walls and freeze when the temps go down below zero. The insulation in this place is non existent.
ReplyDeleteI have WATERRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Jesus christ on a crutch I hate January and I need a bath.
ReplyDeletePeg, it WAS trickling and still froze. When it gets to be 25 below, there's nothing that won't freeze. I am washing dishes, taking a bath and shampooing my hair before it freezes again. GAWD, I hate Iowa.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I am filling jugs and pans with extra water.
Someone gave my kids an Ouija Board for Christmas. And I'm NOT going to let them play with it!
ReplyDeleteI used one many times as a kid and it always worked -- you could see that no fingers were touching the planchette or whatever you call it -- it was just moving around spelling stuff out really fast.
I tried it again several years ago as an adult, with my niece. At first it was ok. But that last time, it just started to do freaky things... it was mocking us, and called us bitches (it sounds hilarious, but trust me, it wasn't). We said a polite goodbye, and it ran off the side of the board after going around in circles a zillion times. We said "why are you doing that?" and it responded, "because it's fun." Haven't used one since.
Oh, and in my experience, the first few times you use a Ouija board, it doesn't work. You have to build up to it and be serious while you're doing it. It took us 4 or 5 times of sitting on the floor foreeeever, backs hurting, to get the planchette to move with any speed at all. The more we used it, the faster and more responsive it got.
No way am I letting my kids open some portal I won't know how to close!
Biz,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that your Mom is falling short in the being a mother dept. I really do not have any advice because my Mom is the same way. I stopped driving my kids 6 hours to see her and Guess What? She has not seen them for going on 3 years. I got sick of making all the effort. She too is too far up my step fathers ass to be a Mother or grandmother. Classic example, My step-fathers daughter was dx with cancer, she took a month off work and went with him and her to Washington State to get treatment. Why my daughter was dx with thyroid Cancer last year, she couldn't take an hour flight from Chicago to Cleveland to see her, this after telling her she would be there. So just know you are not alone and I will be thinking of you.
i have nothing to bitch about today (shocking for me). OK, how about this, I wish I was at peg's to eat cupcakes or rox's to eat cookies. those are my weakness! not ice crea, or chips . every one has their go to snack. i wish mine was celery.Sorry Biz 'bout your situation. I remember when my mom met her dead 2nd husband. She was all school girl giddy. He was a pecker. Referred to me as a "whore" because I had a child out of wedlock. Of course she knew better than to tell me that until after they separated. I would have lit his ass up. I think he was bipolar or something. Too bad he died.
ReplyDeleteIt's like she has never seen the news...or a really crappy lifetime movie.
ReplyDeleteI was home sick today and sat in bed with my laptop, eating crackers. All in all, not too bad. Except for the sick part, that really blew.
ReplyDeletePat I think about you almost every morning when I listen to a morning radio talk show. When they go over the weather they always say the coldest place and lately it's been Iowa.
ReplyDeleteRelated: I taught Sam to say brrrrrrrr when we go outside. People in the parking lot at A&P were cracking up the other day. So cute.
I wish there was something I could do to help you, Pat. I'm sending you warm thoughts for an early thaw. Meh. Probably won't help. . .
ReplyDeleteBiz---I hope that either your mom is really happy, and just stressed, going to work and school, and separated from her family, or that she comes to her senses and kicks him to the curb. Maybe he will leave once he gets his green card, anyway. Is there any reason why she can't pay his way down to where you are, and put him up in a hotel? She really can't allow him to stay with your little Sam if you don't know him. I don't know how hospital regulations are where you are, but here. . . women are allowed two visitors while in hospital. The dad counts as one, and the other one must be screened at the desk, and wear a tag confirming their status as approved. (All due to H1N1.) Your mom couldn't bring her husband to visit unless your husband left to allow him to come in. Something for her to think about, if policies are the same in the east as in the west. (I think it is national).
I'm sorry you're going through what you are, especially during pregnancy.
We are just leaving to go to a doctor appointment for our son. I think he's depressed, can't sleep, isn't eating much, too thin, feeling poorly since Nagypapa died. He isn't motivated to do anything, and his grades are on the brink.
ReplyDeleteMy MIL has been driving me buggy today, too. Everyone has a right to grieve in their own way, but I'm having a hard time handling hers.
Biz,
ReplyDeleteOkay, I know some will say she's an adult she can do what she wants, it's her life, etc... True, but we have families and should think of them. Especially when your old enough to be someones grandmother.
If hope she is spending all that inheritance on this new guy who needs a visa, and not on her grandchildren's education, etc.. that is shitty. She should be there for you and the kiddies.
I think you have every right to be skeptical of the whole situation. I would be. You ought to remind her that these kids of yours are her flesh and blood. WTF? Do you have siblings? What about your father, her ex? Is he still alive? What does everyone else in the family think? I think you are getting robbed. I hope your friend can understand that your mother has lost her sense and help you out when the new baby comes. WTF? That is what a mother/grandmother is for....
Anon 6:13,
ReplyDeleteI just looked up trigeminal neuralgia. aka the Suicide Disease. I hope your meds kick in and keep working for you *non-touching, quiet hug*
Biz..wow. It's hard to watch someone crash and burn like that. I don't think you're being too skeptical and you have a right to be frustrated. Pat's right though, there's nothing you can do if your mom won't listen and maybe he will turn out to be genuine.
I hate the fact that the trolls have made it necessary to have the blog on moderation. I haven't posted in a long time because of it. I feel all out of sorts with the space time continuum. I post...I see nothing...i check back...I still see nothing...Did I post? Didn't I? Damn the trolls!
When is your due date Biz?
ReplyDelete7/7 Pat.
ReplyDeleteAnd can you believe that she gets upset when Sam can't say Grandma yet?! Sam doesn't know what a Grandma is, she doesn't remember her, how is she supposed to even know the word? Grrr...
Yikes Biz! I can so feel your pain. My mom is the exact same way. When she has a man, it's all about him. She was married to the biggest asshole for 11 years and missed out on my kids lives to the point that they didn't know her at all. I wasted so many years trying to change her when I finally had an epiphany. She is who she is and will never change. She will never be who I want her to be and it's not my fault. Once I realized that she's just not capable, I was able to release the anger and expectations. Some people just aren't cut out to be mothers. Best you can do is break the chain with your own kids and rely on people you can trust. Blood isn't really thicker than water, in my opinion.
ReplyDeletePat, fill the tub, too. Then at least you can flush the toilet. My pipes have been frozen since Sunday. With everything that went on, I forgot to let them drip.
ReplyDeleteI shut the water off at the street and opened all faucets, but god only knows if or how many pipes are broken. I'm afraid to even think about it. Ran over to a friends to shower, etc., and have bottled water.
Glad yours is back on. Enjoy it.
Biz, hopefully your friend is a good friend and will be there. Your mom has temporarily lost her marbles over this guy. It happens. I feel for you though, a baby is a big deal and you want family there. I had my first one alone, far from home. That sucked. I can't understand how your mom would miss this. It just boggles my mind. I'm already trying to figure out how to be with my daughter when she has her baby and she's not even pregnant yet. LOL.
ReplyDeleteIf all plans fail, you can send me a bus ticket and I'll stay with Sam. I'll even quit smoking while I'm there, but, I can't promise she won't get pudding three times a day. :)
ReplyDeleteWith her meals, of course. LOL.
ReplyDeleteBiz I'm sorry your mom has her priorities
ReplyDeleteout of order. Espescially when you need her so.
Congratulations on the lil one on the way &
happy new year. I hope she reconsiders asap.
I feel like baking cup cakes or cookies all of a
sudden. Kiki :)
Coyote, I'm leaving the shower running tonight, I don't care how much the bill is. You need to call the plumber. Maybe they aren't broken yet. Mine weren't. Man, it sucks, huu?
ReplyDeleteBiz, what an unusual situation. I'm so sorry your Mom is not there for you when you need her most.
ReplyDeleteI understand your point of view, but also that your Mom is going to do as her heart tells her. I hope he turns out to be on the up and up.
I worry a little that he's not using her (money) for anything covert. If he returns to Iraq within a short period of time, I'd be very suspicious. Or if he gets involved in anything suspicious over here.
I don't have any advice for you, but I do wish you the best, and hope everything works out for the best. I'm sure it's very difficult coming from a broken home--but at least she had your best interests at heart while you were growing up.
All too often, you hear of interfering mothers/mother-in-laws so this is unusual, to say the least. Again, I wish you and the babies the very best.
Every plumber in the area is busy. The county can't keep up with water main breaks, either. What a mess. To beat all, I just went down in the basement and the rats that cost me 2K to get rid of in the spring are back!!! They told me the first opening they had to come back out was two weeks. I told them I'd see them in court and they could talk to the BBB. They're coming late morning, tomorrow. Everything is a fight. Last time the damn things chewed a hose and caused a flood. The only way I know they're back in is the droppings--they are roof rat and our county is over-run with them. (sorry BeBe--they're not your relatives, I'm sure).
ReplyDeleteBiz I am sorry about your situation. How close were you to your mom growing up? It's hard to deal with a mother who you can't count on when you need family the most.
ReplyDeleteI think that you have a lot of company in this department. I too have a non-mothering mother. Since I had my son though things have been better. She does well as a grandma and that's all I can ask for.
I guess I don't have a gripe, it's cold here but nothing like what you have Pat.
I am actually very happy that my son is doing well at daycare. Today was his second day in the toddler room. He is doing awesome. I was very concerned. He is shy and afraid of strangers. I was nervous all day yesterday worried that he would cry and I wouldn't be there to console him or that he would be to upset to eat. I think he is happy for the change of scenery and a more stimulating environment than in the infants room.
I hope everyone is doing well in the new year and keeping warm!
need to read all these, but i ran some errands....then i come home to put something in the oven and PANACEA has an eye issue....off to the vet...scratched cornea....$85....sigh....now i gotta get something in the oven cuz i am starving....it's almost 8pm....
ReplyDeletestill very upset and shocked over my neighbor's death....her husband stopped to talk to me yesterday and he hadn't heard for sure, but they thought it was a blood clot....basically she died very quick....and he said her mom said at least she wasn't driving the kids when it happened....
i know some of you, especially DD, can empathize with the pain he's going through....the whole time he talked to me he kept twisting his wedding ring....
please keep him and the 2 kids in your thoughts....the memorial service is saturday....
alright....off to get something to eat...then i shall read everyone else's posts....
My brother met his ex-wife in a bar in Japan.....she saw a 'rich' American.
ReplyDeleteHe brought her over here, they got married, and she couldn't speak a word of English! He had to call an interpreter on the phone to translate! And,the rich 'American' lived at home with his parents!!
The night before they got married, she asked me,"How you no make babies?" She would go back to Japan to 'visit' her nephew (We believed it was really her son), for 6 months at a time....
Just ate cupcake #5. I need an intervention. Valle, bakery goods are my downfall also. I'm not a chip eater or a chocoholic (unless it's frosting on cake or a donut) I don't even drink pop.
ReplyDeleteThere is an excellent bakery close to my house. When I go in there I actually get light headed just from the smell. I would probably weigh 30 pounds less if I could just get this monkey off my back.
KiKi, if you want a cupcake you better hurry up. I predict they'll be gone by tonight.
Biz,
ReplyDeleteYou can't change your mom and you can't dwell on the problem right now. You have a bigger "bun in the oven". I just think every woman should have a joyful prenancy. I know that's not realistic but that's what I feel.
You didn't say how old your mom is.
I always worry about women my age being conned out of large sums of money by a man. In your case, it looks like money and green card. Since I don't know the Iraqi costums, maybe the age differance isn't a big deal to him and maybe he does like large wqomen. But it is shitty that she should choose him over you and your children. "Love" fucks with your head and she really believes she is in love. Ask her to come when the baby is born and stay in a hotel. (She can come to the hospital and he can stay at the hotel.) If she refuses, try to go on with your life the best you can.
You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. And you seem to be lucky there. Be glad that your friend loves you because you are you and not a daughter (or relative). That didn't come out like I meant it to but, I hope you get the idea.
Your mom may eventually realize that she is missing out on something many of us would love to have. Next time you talk to her, tell her there are several "crazy people" on a "crazy website" that are more than happy to be "cyber Grandmas"!
What does your husband have to say about this?
Sending hugs your way and willing to be a "stand in" Granny!!!! Give Sam a kiss from me! I've always wanted to be a granny!!!I think I'll have to pass out cigars!
Oh, wait, I haven't been accepted yet!!!
Anon With Trigeminal Neuralgia,
ReplyDeleteI know continuous pain can be a bitch and even though I have know dea how much pain you are in, I can only imagine it to be a horror.
Does your treatment come with therapy? Or even a good friend to keep you grounded. I think I would probably go to a hospital, grab a dr. by the collar, stick a cattle prod in his side, and yell
"Get me some fucking help!" But then, I'm not really that stable right now!!!
I wish I could help everyone with pain. With medicine and science as advanced as it has become----THERE SHOULD NOT BE ALL THIS PAIN!!!! Just too damn much.
read comments...ate...tired...bah...
ReplyDeleteanyway....biz...sometimes FRIENDS are more like family....it's really unfortunate that your mom is letting you down like this....like others have said, you do what you have to do to keep yourself sane....depend on those who have proven themselves as dependable....
now i want a cupcake!!!! and cookies!!!!
night!
oh, i like the new header....
ReplyDeleteIt was 75 degrees, sunny and crystal clear in Los Angeles today. This really sucks!!!
ReplyDeleteCoyote, you have my sympathy. It's just maddening, isn't it? Also rats in the house are awful. Once a wild rat gets into your house they won't leave. They're agressivre and territorial. Try shooting them. Seriously, a 22 and bird shot. It gets to be fun after awhile.
ReplyDeleteIt's midnight here and I'm still puking. I don't know what I've got but, I wish it would go away.
ReplyDeleteTia, I hope Pan's okay.
Biz, I bet her husband has her under his thumb already, she's wondering what she's gotten into and she's putting one foot in front of the other to buy time to see if the situation rights itself. I don't know any Iraqis but I know they don't allow women to make decisions. Their women have to do what they say and do the majority of the work. I doubt she even feels she has options right now. She probably won't admit it until things get unbearable for her.
ReplyDeleteSo many foreigners want desperately to go to the US, believing it to be some kind of magical place where all your dreams come true. If reality doesn't mirror their expectations, they can get unpleasant about it.
pan has a scratch on her cornea (possibly from running into something outside? who knows she won't say)....she has eye ointment, pain meds, antibiotics....and right now she is outside running and playing and having a great time with poli....
ReplyDeleteI'm still feeling bad for Miss Tia's young neighbor and her family. A blood clot? Oh, yes, I know about that and how quickly it stops the heart. I'm so sorry. It's always heartbreaking when small children lose a parent.
ReplyDeleteI need to go on a diet.
ReplyDeleteAnon, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteI have chronic pain too of a different kind and was controlled quite well for a long time--until I moved here after Katrina; the doctor I got didn't feel "comfortable" with the levels of my meds (which kept me SANE, calm, and able to sleep) so he changed them all up and now I'm a wreck. I have severe anxiety attacks, PTSD, insomnia, bipolar disorder, diabetes, high blood pressure, GERD, gastroparesis, and IBS, along with the pain. I WAS able to function and work outside the home; now I can't go to Walmart without having panic attacks and Medicaid dropped me 2 years ago when my son got too old. Now I have no insurance, have been repeatedly turned down for disability and haven't had any of my meds in almost 2 months. If I can make it to next week I'll be able to fill some of them but then the month after? I don't know. No pain meds and no alternatives except the black market variety which I have resorted to when I think I can't stand another minute. My hair is falling out from the stress and I am wondering why I keep breathing. What is the use.
That's my bitch.
If anyone knows an online source for meds (pain), PLEASE PLEASE tell me! Most of them turned out to be scams--the ones I checked, and I don't know where else to turn. I'm losing it.
Biz, I'm so sorry about your situation and I think you're absolutely spot-on with the suspicions. I am also an "orphan with a living mother" as I call it and it never stops hurting but you can focus on those who love you back and it helps.
DD, and everyone--thank the powers that be for you otherwise I would have no one to talk to.
Naseem, you do not need to lose a pound. Geez. I thought you were working on your self image?
ReplyDeleteSolitaryAngel, get a disability lawyer. Seriously. One who doesn't expect payment until you win a claim. It's just ridiculous what you're putting up with.
ReplyDeleteI just want to send warm thoughts, empathy and hugs to ALL who are suffering any type of pain. No one should have to live like this. One reason we do not get the help we need is because the government tells our doctors how they can treat us. It should not be that way.
ReplyDeleteMiss Tia, my sympathies for your young neighbor. So sad.
Biz, I am sorry to hear about your problems with your Mom. I hope it will all work out in the end. Many of us here know about the "absent" mom syndrome. Hugs to all.
Hope you feel better soon Pat.
Thanks, Pat--hope you get better soon!
ReplyDeleteI forgot to complain.
ReplyDeletePat how are you feeling now?? Have you been able to have any solids?
ReplyDeleteEveryone - this whole time I kept think maybe I was being ridiculous and being a "brat" about the whole situation but then something would throw it all right back in my face and I stood my ground again and stuck to my gut. In a weird way it is very nice to know that I'm not crazy and pretty much all of yall see where I'm coming from. I just wish my mom could too.
ReplyDeleteThanks.
Biz, I still feel rough, but, better than yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI love Crabbie's little interjections.
ReplyDeleteSolitaryAngel - is there any way your current doctor can reach your previous doctor and discuss the dosages? As for cheap medications, sorry, I have no idea. I think DD had a good one if that is something you can pursue - disability lawyer or legal aid lawyer?
Oh how the world does turn! My exhusband was cheating on me with girl....and I mean GIRL, he is 40, she is 24 NOW and he and I have been divorced for over 3 years and they were messing around for a few years before that....I digress....well they got married May, 2008. Now they are splitting up....can you guess why?
ReplyDeleteOh karma, my dear friend, I thought you had forgotten me.