She's been a flat out A-hole this week because she knows I have a lot going on here and we've had cousin company. That holds you back, you know what I mean. You don't want to lose it and look like a lunatic in front of anyone else. BUT, Lissa has pushed me to the brink of my limits. She knows she's in trouble. She knows there will be a price to pay later today. I can see the fear in her. She's right too.
It's easy to let stuff slide because she really has had a hard life for a kid. It's also easy to let things slide because I know, inside, she's a good girl with a good heart. It's also easy to let things slide because I am not the parent here, I'm the grandma. Grandma's are supposed to support and spoil a kid and then hand them back. Well, that's not how it works here, so someone has to be responsible.
I have her birthday present, that iPod she wants more than anything. It will break her heart if I keep it. If things don't change TODAY, she WILL lose it. You know what? It will break my heart too. But, she's out of control. That phony hospital donation scam was just the tip of her iceburg. Yeah, I can see the humor in it, but, it pissed me off. It was wrong and so are a bunch of other things she's tried to pull this week. I can't let her out of my sight for one fucking minute and no one should have to live like that. The curtain comes down as soon as Cam goes home today. We both know it.
So, I'm not really asking for advice, I know what's right. It's just tough having to do it. It would be very cool if you told me of some hard core discipline you either gave or got. Stories you REALLY remember because they made an impact on you.
22 comments:
I absolutely understand! And you are between a rock and a hard place, that just became a boulder and a bigger boulder. What worked with Marina was telling her that now that she's shown me that I CANNOT trust her - was that now she had to go with me everywhere and/or be in my sightline. She HATED it. It was probably a bigger pain in my ass that in hers - but damn, she remembers that I have no hesitation in stripping her bare of everything. I've done that too. Not just the things she cant live without - but EVERYTHING. She was left laying on her bed
with a sheet and a pillow. It does help immensely that my husband and I are on the same page. I have told her for years "You will never win against me." There is alot of slack cutting, sometimes less, sometimes more. I really would like to find her some volunteer work this summer. She's done alot with the girl scouts. Giving back, even if its picking up trash off of the beach - would be good for her soul.
Good luck with Lissa. She needs to know that you expect better of her.
PS. I did send you an email asking for one last detail. When you have time.
I have a child who in her teenage years, put me through the ringer...I even took her bedroom door off the hinges once, so i could at least hear when she was climbing out the window (she REALLY loved that) She was probably about 14 or so by then though. I get you are in a weird spot because you are Grams...but she understands she is pushing your buttons and seeing just how far she can push you. I wish you luck with whatever you gotta do.
Snowbunnie
Connie, thanks. I needed the pep talk. You're a great mom and Marina is a great kid. Oh, but, one of the things Lis and I disagree on is sleeping on a bare mattress. The little shit thinks it's acceptable. It saves her making the bed! Jesus. I don't ask for military style bed making, just a fucking comforter! Can you believe that shit??
Snowbunnie, Lis has already climbed out the window at her mom's house. She has no window here. She has to come down the stairs past me. But, seriously, she is only 9 and has already done the window sneaking trick! It blows my mind.
Some kids are just going to push your buttons, doesn't really matter how they are parented/grandparented. I think the key is talking things over and honesty. It sounds like you've got both of those items covered, so while she'll probably gray your hair for you, she'll ultimately be okay.
Angie, I hope she'll be okay. I'm onto her tricks and in her space all day, every day. But, I swear to you, I have never raised one like her. She's smart and sneaky and mouthy too. It's unreal sometimes!
Okay, Rox? I read them, but, they're gone. Wow. Wow. I don't want to scar her forever, but, she has to straighten up. I'll be careful. I am not a person to lose it, believe it or not. I am not even a yeller. She has hardly ever heard a raised voice here. I prefer calm, pointed, taking things and saying 'bye' to them. Crying doesn't move me. Tough shit.
ps..she WAS in the country when she climbed out the window. She has no fear.
I tell you what, I'm glad I dont ever have to deal with that. Good grief!
I don't think I have any real wisdom here. My son didn't have real discipline issues. When he was 16, he decided he didn't care about school (despite the fact that he totally helped make the decision to send him to a Catholic college prep school that cost a mint). I staged an intervention involving the school and our family. Everyone met, and we got him through graduation, anyway. He also decided he wanted to move in with friends from work. We involved the school in that, too. They had a rule that you had to live at home to attend that school.
He wanted to go to an overnight party at someone's house. The catch was that he wouldn't tell us whose house, or where it was, etc. We stood firm and watched him like a hawk. He didn't go, and it really cut him to the core, that he had to stay home, and then hear about the party from his buddies. But, he didn't try that again.
It's too bad that her mom isn't able to do the parenting, leaving you to do what should be yours as a grandma. But, this is what you are left with. I know that has got to be hard for you to withhold fun things from her, but what you are doing is giving her a chance at a good, normal life. If she continued down the path her mother set, she would have nothing. It's not easy being right, or doing the right thing.
Sending you good energy. . .
Christina
But you know what sux, Pat? My son was a perfect angel until he reached teenism. Then he become a holy terror for about 10 years. He's OK now, I didn't kill him. The sucky part is that the "you'll have a kid just like you, and then I'll LAUGH!!"-- bullshit-- doesn't work. His daughter is 14, national honor society, student council, so much more I could brag about. She would never dream of acting the way he did and never gives anyone a moment of trouble. So,my son, the little shit, gets off Scott free again! Dammit!!
No, you don't need any advice. You're much more patient than I ever was or ever will be. You just need to know that you're not the only one, Liss isn't the only one, and errythang is gonna be alright. You already know all of this. Its hard to remember when we get that damned tired.
I use to tell my boys, don't try to pull any shit with me. Been there, done that. There wasn't anything they could do that I hadn't already done and I know all the tricks. I taught them to respect very early on. Once you lose respect, you've lost the battle. They knew better than to disrespect me or their father by even swearing in front of us. To this day one is in his late 20's and 2 are in their 30's they still don't swear in front of us.
I also watched every friend they had. If I didn't like them they didn't go with them.
I hate the analogy of raising a dog, but that's how it is. You are the boss and what you say goes period. If she doesn't like it, oh well, too fucking bad. I wasn't their friend I was their parent and I wasn't afraid to say no.
I have to say I raised 3 boys who never gave me an ounce of trouble. I really didn't deserve such good kids. I was a pretty rotten kid with back talking and doing shit I shouldn't have been doing.
My mom used to beat my behind with the pancake turner. In those days, a parent was still allowed to hit a child for punishment. Worked for me. She never had to bail me out of jail and I never came home preggers.
I don't remember one time that I was in trouble with you. I remember being in trouble at dads though. Lol
Christina, good job on standing firm. I have no problem with that either.
Cut, that's hilarious that his kid is perfect. No justice. Thanks for the encouragement.
Pan, like a dog, LMAO! My dog does whatever he wants, he's a little shit.
My mom beat the shit out of me and I did it all..parties, bad boys, car wrecks, lifing from stores, drugs, you name it. Getting preg saved me. I had to take care of the baby.
Well, the kid has had a HARD day. Working. Sweaty, heavy, real work cleaning out the old lady's back room with me. She's worked her butt off with NO mouth. Oh, and no pay.
Casey, you never got in trouble. You never mouthed off, you never did anything wrong! You were the easiest, most pleasant child ever.
Now, your brother, oh my. He could be sneaky too, for real. But, he wouldn't have dared to mouth off to me like his daughter does. I don't know where she gets her nerve. But, I put a lid on her today. She has been so good and worked so hard. She's with Autumn now, they're out front having a yard sale.
withholding things/events or anything else I thought was beneficial from my kids WAS harder on me than on them. I pretty much always caved because I couldn't stand the tension I felt at missed opportunities. I wish I had been more stoic, but they've turned out great and have made great lives for themselves.
Parenting is constant and it wears on most of us.
wiggy
Obviously, I was a failure as a parent so I can't make any suggestions. Wish I had had all of you when he was growing up. Maybe he wouldn't be walking around with this giant chip on his shoulder.
Wiggy, thanks for that.
Jane, You need a hug. Our children's decisions are not our fault once they become adults. Let them shoulder it. They all fuck up, we all did. It will work out. If you still feel the way you do, it tells me you were actually a pretty good mom.
Troll, take a hike, you aint gettin' on here spewing poison again, ever. What Lis becomes is up to her and fate, but, yesterday she showed me what she's really made of and I was impressed. Bet you wish you'd had a grandma who gave a shit about you. Maybe you wouldn't be a bitter old pill now with no friends.
Thanks Pat. All I can do is hope.
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