Bev Hills Housewives (hahahah)...Game night. Kim arrives and goes to the bathroom. Then Kim whines that she doesn't want Brandi on her team because she doesn't like her and she doesn't like new people. Then Kim goes to the bathroom again.
Kim and Kyle behave like two demented wrinkled teenagers on ecstasy. And also like they are the most important people the world has ever known. They whisper and laugh behind their hands, treat Brandi like she just gave their toddler herpes and generally act like horse's ass's. Kim goes to the bathroom again. Kim hides Brandi's crutches (she has a broken ankle) because apparently this is funny in twisted sister land. Kim goes to the bathroom again. We hear her complain that Dana's million dollar bathroom mirror seems dirty and she wants to spit shine it. Because that's what she does in the bathroom. Kyle sniffs Kim's coffee cup, declares it..coffee. Surprise.
Kyle says she wants to test Brandi's IQ. Brandi has enough of the shitty ridiculous Richards sisters and says, bring it, Bitch. Kim is shown shocked and can't bring herself to say such a profanity. She stumbles through the sentence, "My sister is not a...my sister is not the..my sister in not... the B word! She is obviously as mortified as her sister was last week when Brandi said, cock. (Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, COCK.)
Kim goes to the bathroom again. Maybe there was another dirty mirror in there. You never know. Brandi gives them the side eye and Kim tells her she's a 'ho' for wearing short shorts. Fashion advice there. Brandi says something that sounds like fuck you. Kyle and Kim tell Brandi to watch it. The Richards are always telling someone to watch it. No one ever knows what we're supposed to watch. Not this show, I'm betting.
Brandi says Kim is wasted and she's been snorting in the bathroom 15 times. Which is an exaggeration. Kim has only been in the bathroom 14 times. Kim and Kyle jump up and in unison scream and point the double fingers of doom at Brandi. The wrinkled old weener fingers that smell like dumpster salmon. Kim screams, "You're a fuckin' bitch!"
Because that's the best insult Kim can think of on short notice. She sort of rides the short bus. She stays within the lines though. Get it? Brandi would. Anyway, I crack up because Kim is too much of a lady and way to cultured to say the dreaded B word. Unless you piss her off and mess with her high. Then you're a FUCKIN' BITCH...and a 'HO' who wears short shorts.
Not one person stood up and said enough to those two creepy deluded shitty rude sisters. Because they didn't have the balls. Except, Brandi. And this is the chick LeeAnn Rimes is fucking with? Oh, hell no.
I've been waiting for this post! I love it when you review this show! I'm not a big Brandi fan and last season Kyle was my favorite but she is a mean girl this season! I like how she said this is how her sister is - that's the Kim she knows and loves. If she wasn't on something, she needs to be!
ReplyDeleteBrandi's an idiot too. She thinks Winston Churchill was a black man, but, she don't take shit. I can't believe none of those other bitches had her back, not even in a nuetral way. Well, yes I can, but, still..it makes you wonder what the hell they're so afraid of? Is Mario gonna not sell their mansion someday? Is Kim going to charge them double to watch Witch Mountain? Fuck.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I'm not alone in admitting I watch this mess. How is the wee bump this week?
ReplyDeleteOh, did you think Dana's party sucked shit? I did. No food?? Only sweets shaped like goopy melted dice and mongo sloppy dominos? No decorations. Not enough chairs. Jebus. She's supposed to rich and classy? It looked like a Guntown family gathering at Aunt Bitch Face's house. The cakes looked like Sandra Lee made them after two gallons of vodka-cantelope-tini's.
ReplyDeleteDD- you crack me up. I love the way you describe these ladies. No one can do it better.
ReplyDeleteDana's party was AWFUL! Maybe they can't afford furniture after buying that big house? Reminds me of Teresa's house - big, empty, and ugly.
Dana is pure entertainment. I just loved how she tells everyone who she's wearing and/or how much it costs. I did like Kyle's response to Dana saying her outfit was Valentino and how she wanted to say hers came from Target. But you know it wasn't Target.
Baby is doing well. He's kicking up a storm and I love it. Maybe since it was such a struggle to get to this point, I'm really loving everything about being pregnant. We're going to a Halloween party this weekend and my costume is a foam oven that fits over my head that has a "bun" in it. My husband's costume is a chef's hat and an apron that says "The bun maker". It's so cheesy but I'm having too much fun to care. :-)
That's actually cute and clever. I've never seen that before.
ReplyDeleteYeah, how come their houses are so empty? Maybe they should leave all the price tags on.
Maybe Dana should stop spending $25k on a pair of sunglasses and spend it on furniture instead.
ReplyDeleteWhy was Dana kissing Kim's ass? "You can call me Pamela," or whatever it was Kim kept calling her??
ReplyDeleteI wasn't a Brandi fan, but it's a relief to see someone call out the mean girls. Kyle is ugly on the inside, Kim's just a hot mess, nothing new there.
I'm glad I can talk about the show here.
DD-Have you watched Revenge? I DVR'd it and watched it with my parents. We all said it reminded us of the days of Falcon Crest and Dynasty, well, almost.
Erin-I don't know you well, but I'm so happy to read you are having a happy and healthy pregnancy. It's a miracle (not in the Jebus way) and even more amazing when it's been difficult to get there. Congrats, enjoy every moment! I'd love to see your costume.
Beth, I think Dana is scared shitless of Kyle. That "she's mean, make it stop, Kyle" made me sick. It was her party, why didn't she take Kim and Kyle aside? Creepy mean women.
ReplyDeleteI haven't seen Revenge, sounds like I need to. Thanks.
Erin, she spent the money on Fendi short shorts this week. How is she not a HO in short shorts, but, Brandi is? Warped.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok if you're the one wearing the short shorts because if they're Fendi, that's classy. But no one else is allowed. They're just trashy hos.
ReplyDeleteBeth - thanks for the kind words. It is a miracle and I am just over the moon every day. Below is a link to the costume. I like it because I can be super comfy underneath. :-)
http://www.amazon.com/Rasta-Imposta-Adult-Oven-Costume/dp/B002DREXEW/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1318518866&sr=8-3
Trashy ho's are a dime a dozen, but, wrinkled old mouldy weener fingers from hell are speeechul. Did anyone notice how Kim's old hot dog finger kind of curls backwards? Eww. The double jointed finger of doooooooooom.
ReplyDeleteI just saw a clip and I was incorrect. It wasn't "fuckin' bitch" that Kim said. It was "GODDAMN BITCH". Ohh, the loads name in vain, Kimmy of the double digit joint. For shame.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you think she was on? I think she decided she needed to be on something this season to feel more comfortable on camara. Because she was so awkward last season, except when she was drunk, of course.
ReplyDeleteMeth or coke. It makes her chatty. Probably coke because meth is more economical. Poor Kim displays the depressing unfriendly side when she's out of her drug. And when she has it, she get happy, chatty, smiley..but, never makes any sense and has no idea how those around her feel. Nor does she get hints. Note the deplorable way she treated Adrianne on the basketball trip. Maloof was moving the team, worried about fan retaliation and people losing their jobs. Kim made jokes and said she wasn't a 'sports person." She had no clue Maloof was making a life changing decision. Zoom, right over her head. That's the way meth heads are.
ReplyDeleteOh, I have to say (because it's something I understood at the time and never said it) during Kim and Kyle's fight last season when Kyle said Kim was an alcoholic. That was code for drugs. Kim knew it too. Kyle would never expose Kim's drug habit, that would be too much bad publicity and it would come out that Kyle is an occasional user herself. I'd bet a month's pay on that. Seen it too many times.
ReplyDeleteThat makes perfect sense to me. That's so sad. And yeah, I noticed her self-centered behavior too with Adrianne. I don't understand how people can be like that. But sometimes I wish I were...it must be nice to go through life not caring about anyone but yourself.
ReplyDeleteI need to make a minor correction on Dana's outfit. The shorts were Valentino, not Fendi. Gotta keep our designers straight!
ReplyDeleteKim is on Something. She is so far out there this year, she's on her own planet.
I'm waiting for the NJ reunion this weekend. Something happened to Jacqueline & she didn't attend the 'party'.
Dana's shoes were Fendi.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for the RHONJ reunion. Jac called Tre "scum" for the remarks she made in the cookbook and saying that Melissa was a stripper--wasn't true, she bartended for a few wks at a strip club. Her old boss validated that story. Jac said Tre told her that before Melissa joined and pulled out the dirty info at a strategic moment.
I have to say, Tre's bro, Joe is a mess, but he and his wife Melissa seem like trashy NICE people with common sense. They are really a cute couple and I love seeing them hang with the Manzo boys and Greg.
Erin, LURVE your costume!
ReplyDeleteThanks Beth! I'm pretty excited about it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree - I like Joe and Melissa the best. Not Melissa as much as Joe. He just cracks me up.
Thanks, yes, shoes Fendi, shorts, Valentino. Gowd that bitch can drop a name, eh?
ReplyDeleteFor real? I hate Melissa. She's the most manipulative person I've ever watched. Oh, what a witch. Dumbo Teresa is just mentally deficiant, but, Melissa? OMG, she is capable of mass murder.
Tre is dumb as pigeon shit, has a temper, lies, blames others for "taking her there" (just like an abusive man says, "you got me pissed, you did it, it's your fault I beat you.") and is incapable of taking responsibility.
ReplyDeleteMelissa is the antithesis of me, but she seems to be a much more self aware parent and trying to improve Joe's relationship with his family, especially the parents. She def knows how to get what she wants, but I still like her over Tre.
I'm sure if they show Melissa more with her sisters, that would be a real hornet's nest.
In addition to Joe and Melissa as a couple, Kathy and her hubby seem like sincere couples--a first in the series.
I always love your insight with these women, DD. But I agree with Beth overall. And Beth - I like how you compared Tre to an abusive man. I had never thought of that but I totally see it. I'm not a huge Melissa fan because her voice gets on my nerves but I really like Joe when he's in his fun mode. He just makes me laugh.
ReplyDeleteLove your recaps, too, Pat!! Don't stop, there are a few of us crazies who enjoy reality TV and don't have the insight and writing capabilities to put into words what we see like you do!!
ReplyDeleteThaks, Islandgirl. I'll do one every week now. I didn't know anyone else watched it.
ReplyDeleteI hate Joe (Melissa's joe), he is so gross I want to throw up when he comes on. He's greasy and thinks his dick is made of gold.
I like Joe, I know u don't, but the reason I do is that he reminds me of my husband when he/ our relationship was young. He could never take his hands off me and always was making the same kind of sexual remarks. It's uncanny, actually. Also, because of where I live, I know a lot of guys just like him. So I guess I'm sort of just used to that culture(Italian, loud, gaudy, etc.) I can't say that I would want to date one of those stereo-typical Italian guys, but friends certainly have.
ReplyDeleteI'm likin' Joe more because of the way he treats Andy Cohen. I still think he's physically repulsive though.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Beth too. But, I see someting in Melissa that scares me. With dumbo Teresa, you know what you're getting. Not so with Melis. She's a very very good actress and when she sees herself in a negative light she swiftly corrects it. She's no fool.
You may be right about Melissa. IDK I liked her, but I"m a bit naive when it comes to people. Led somewhat of a sheltered life, I guess.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally excited about tonight, I missed last week's epi then the finale.Will be ready for your recap! I like NYmag's recaps. Their writer's are pretty funny, especially the woman who recaps Bev. Hills.