Friday, February 28, 2014

Message of hope? Peeshaw

DEAR ABBY: Recently, my friend went to a wake and told me the person in the casket was holding a fork. My friend told me there is a story behind this custom. Can you tell me what it is? -- DAILY READER IN WEST PALM BEACH, FLA.
DEAR DAILY READER: The story, titled "Keep Your Fork," has been widely shared on the Internet. It appeared in "A Third Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul" and was authored by Roger William Thomas.
It concerns a young woman who had been given only a short time to live, and who instructed her pastor that she would like to be buried with a fork in her right hand. She went on to say, "In all my years of attending church potluck dinners, when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would say, 'Keep your fork.'"
She said the main course was her favorite part of the meal because she knew "something better was coming ... something wonderful, and with substance." What she wanted was to convey to her loved ones at her funeral her belief that something better was to come.
****************************

Me...What bullshit! Since when is a dead person responsible for someone else's fear? I want to be buried with all my pill bottles. The controlled substances can be emptied and given to a lucky drug addict of my choice. I want to be cremated  and my remains poured into an empty Foldger's can. I just got weighed at the doctor's and was told I was 'no bigger than a minute', what ever that means. I think it means I'll fit in a Foldger's can. If not, pour the leftovers in one of those chemical creamer jars. I love that shit. Also throw in a pack of Marlboro lights and a lighter. Just in case there are vices in the afterlife. Symbolism.

Finally, mark me with a big rock. I like rocks and headstones are ridiculously priced. It's a rip off. Paint a Pentacle on it and "I'll see you on Samhain." That's for the freaks who'll visit, due to my town weirdo reputation. I probably won't visit there, anything they come up with in their imagination would be better anyhow. Wouldn't it be cool if a bunch of people showed up at a memorial dressed like Dr. Frank N. Furter and company and did The Time Warp? Fuck yeah, I'd like to make all my straight friends sit through that. 'Specially the homophobes. Sorry, not to be morbid, but, I do think about things like this. So, point my daughter to this post someday. What would YOU like?

7 comments:

Susan/KyliesMom said...

I hope I live long enough to have grandkids. I want to be cremated and stored in a jar under the bed. Then I want my husband to buy new bikes for all the grandkids, or a Polly Pocket Mall or whatever plastic junk they want. I do not want money spent on a funeral. Colossal waste of money, as far as I'm concerned. To each their own, but no funeral for me.

Dirty Disher said...

I love that. Plastic junk. Too cool. I don't much care, but, I do want a rock to be remembered. Headstone prices piss me off though. My son's was like, 10 grand. He would like it though, so it mattered. Big old rock..all me.

Theresa said...

When my mom passed away, I stuck a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in with her. My aunts both took out a cigarette and smoked one in honor of her. My dad thought I was nuts, but I told him that she needed them wherever she was going cause she'd be pissed if she didn't have her cigarettes.

Dirty Disher said...

That's a good daughter. I smoke one on my grandma's grave on memorial day.

Erin said...

We buried my dad with a golf ball because he was a big golfer and a dog treat. He and our dog were super close. The dog died a week later. The vet said she died of grief. We were glad my dad had a treat to give her when they were reunited.

mary_mary said...

Burn me up, put me in a tiki mug, add me to a cookie recipe (or a rum concoction) and EAT ME!
Then throw the rest of me into the beautiful blue Pacific.

Dirty Disher said...

Erin, what a sweet sad story.

Mary, eat me..LMAO.

I forgot to add, play my favorite songs..
Midnight Train To Georgia..Gladys and the Pips.

Come As You Are..Nirvana

Two Steps Off The Ground..Dead Milkmen

Add some Fire Chant, RHPS, Janis, and Mowtown for atmosphere. Hell yeah. If there's a Summerland, that's what will be playing when I get there.