Dear Natasha,

Here's the deal kid, your mom and dad are getting a divorce because your mother and the NYC doormen are convinced your dad is doing the no no (we call it grown up touching) with a singer named Madonna. Madonna was hot stuff back in the 80's, she was the original Boy Toy..yeah, I know you've never heard of her, but, she was hotter than Miley back then, you have to trust me on that. Now she's a washed up annoying prune, but, she has tons of money.
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Your moms lawyer (you'll have tons of those someday when you write a book about your childhood) says your dad hasn't seen you in awhile and has seen your baby sister only once, maybe twice since she was born. Madonna says she's not dating your dad and is not divorcing her husband, but, we know better, don't we kid?
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Be sure and take notes of all this, so you can add it to your book correctly. And learn to call that old gap toothed prune Auntie Madge. Again..trust me. I know her arms are scary, but, you have to think of your future as an author and playwright. Mommy Dearest didn't write itself, you know. Ask Auntie Madge to get you a camera phone. If your parents have a video camera, I suggest you pack it in your little overnight bag for weekends at daddy's..which will be infrequent, but, a gold mine of photo ops. Remember..Auntie Madge doesn't give a crap how cute you are, you are baggage. You have to look out for yourself, kid. Your sister isn't big enough to remember all this. She can never milk it like you can. Families break up all the time in Hollywood. Don't cry..get even. Madonna doesn't cry and look where it got her. You're what, three now? Grow up!
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Looking foreword to the tell all, your pal, Dirty Disher. P.S. Tomorrow we'll talk about damage control. I'll show you photos of Auntie Madge and Uncle Guy in New York!