A Conversation With Santa
Santa takes time out of his busy toy-making schedule for an exclusive chat with Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of TLC’s hit show Jon & Kate + 8.
Santa: Ho, ho, ho. I haven’t heard from you folks in a while.
Kate: We took a vote and none of are children believe that you exist.
Jon: Besides, we don’t need presents from Santa when society knows that they are responsible for sending gifts for our children.
Kate: If people want to send us gifts, who are we to say no?
Santa: But the toys I bring are free, too.
Kate: Ok, but you’ll have to sign this sponsorship agreement to have your toys featured on are show and with every present you deliver this year, the contract states you will have to include a copy of are book, Multiple Ble$$ing$.
Santa: But Santa’s sleigh is already mighty full! I won’t have room for all those books.
Kate: Then you’ll have to rent a way-back. Jon, go load Santa’s way-back with copies of are book.
Jon: It’s not a way-back. It’s a trailer. Don’t call it a way-back, people don’t know what you’re talking about.
Santa: How about I let the children sit on my knee and they can tell me their Christmas wishes and have their picture taken with Santa.
Kate: Those will cost you 20 bucks a pop.
Santa: Santa doesn’t use money. My currency is joy and good cheer. Mrs. Claus and I live on love and the laughter of millions of happy children on Christmas morning.
Jon: Seriously, Santa. I can teach you how to collect these love offerings. It’s like fraud in the name of Jesus.
Santa: But I love delivering toys. In fact, I have the perfect toys for your little ones.
Kate: We can’t take your toys. Do you know how much pixilation costs? We’ll go broke trying to blur all that out.
Jon: I’ve always wanted a pot-bellied pig.
Kate: I’d like some Botox to make my brow look sincere.
Santa: Oh, ho, no. I didn’t mean gifts for you, Jon and Kate. You two are on the naughty list.
Kate: The naughty list! HeLLLLL-OOOOOO. You can’t put us on the naughty list. We’ve got the highest rated show on TLC. Do you know who I am? I’m a Kmart spokesperson! I eat organic! I donated the prodceedes of our yard sale to charity! I’m too exhausted to be naughty!
Jon: C’mon, we can’t be that bad.
Santa: Let’s just say that you rank a little higher than Bernard Madoff, but well below the fellow who threw his shoes at Bush.
Kate: But people love us. People are always so happy to see us. We have a great life with acreage! My kids wear Gymboree and Crocs! We’re good parents. We let Bev fold are laundry and we let those ducks at the Peabody stand in the same lobby with us. We even let those sick kids be on are show so that they could get to hold are book.
Santa: If there were an island for misfit parents, you’d be on it, and likely, voted off of it.
Kate: My children are bibbed and fed everyday. Did I say they have Crocs? Jon is the only misfit parent in are house.
Jon: You know, we don’t need your gifts this Christmas. We’re getting a family computer.
Kate: That’s so the twins can surf the internet and find out how much everyone loves us.
Santa: But every child should have at least one Christmas wish come true. What about the little kids? Is it their wish to have a computer?
Kate: Oh, they don’t have time to play on the computer. They’ve got a family to support.
Santa: But, children shouldn’t have to work or be burdened with that sort of responsibility.
Jon: I vowed a long time ago to do whatever I have to do for my children and that includes putting them to work.
Kate: We took a vote and the children want to continue working so they won’t have to go to daycare. They love working because they get a box lunch, Luna bars, and the chance to pet someone else’s puppy.
Santa: But children should be able to play without a care in the world.
Jon: They play. Every afternoon I line them up and kick soccer balls at their heads.
Santa: What sort of childhood memories will your children have if they are working all the time?
Kate: They’ll remember all of are trips to the airport and the camera crews and Jen the producer. They’ll remember that ice cream at Disney and cupcakes on their birthday. They’ll remember my pretty toes after a trip to the spa. Making memories is all we do!
Jon: And those poop pictures, they’ll probably remember those poop pictures.
Kate: Yes, and the half of an M&M they earned for pooping in the potty.
Santa: Who will support you both when the children are grown and on their own?
Kate: "Whom." "Whom will support" us. Santa, your grammar is horrendously horrendous.
Santa: Uh huh. Can you answer the question?
Kate: There will always be just us. The children will never leave us because we are a family. We’re ordering bigger high chairs next week.
Jon: I hear you own a workshop. Maybe you could help us out with those new high chairs.
Santa: You’re on the naughty list. Remember?
Kate: You just don’t know how to help us.
Join us this spring when the Gosselins meet with Jesus and the Easter Bunny to discuss their fraudulent collection of charitable dollars from those less fortunate.
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This was written by Three Farmers and printed with permission. Hey, when I get free Gosselin humor, who am I to say no??? Hilarious. If you're a fan of Three Famers writting, and who isn't?.. You can read more at GWoP. She has a very witty version of a famous Christmas poem there called Giving Back Recap . Thanks 3F, have a very merry.
16 comments:
LMAO! Good one.
Santa is suffering from severe ball-swelling. He needs to have that checked.
Jon likes it. He's never seen balls before.
The "Twelve Days of Gosselin" isn't mine. That one came from the mods, I believe.
My other one over there was the "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" parody.
Thanks, DD. I enjoy your blog so much.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, damn, I knew that. Let me fix it. Yours was better.
It's funny but too true. The gossys are such scrooges. I hope they get rocks in their sox.
They have rocks in their heads. They need a job for Christmas. GET A JOB YOU FREELOADERS! I liked the post, twas funny. :)
Thanks Crabbie, you made me go back to look at Santas balls......yuck
Dear 3F (you jolly old elf, you), this was the best Christmas present I'll be getting this year.
You made me laugh, you made me cry, you made me pee my pants a little.
Thank you and Merry Christmas.
Funny! Thanks for reposting this!!!!
Dats some funny shit right there. LMAO!
I'm just hoping you find a new obsession in the New Year. Obviously there are a lot of people who don't agree with you or they would be off the air.
Enough said. I'm so tired of this, but won't go on and perpetuate the argument.
it would be "OUR" book, not are book. Please proof read.
it would be "OUR" book, not are book. Please proof read.
Please get a sense of humor.
It was done intentionally. Just as proceeds was intentionally misspelled as it was during the yard sale episode. During the show's opening credits, Kate says, literally, that "it's ARE life." Not OUR.
Also, you should probably start your sentences with a capital letter if your purpose for writing is to complain about other people's efforts.
To those of you who were complimentary, thank you very much.
to damn funny
The picture is..um...interesting.
That photo (obviously edited) looks like it is from one of their church/speaking appearances.
They are being paid to be there and Jon shows up looking hung over WTF!!!!Such slobs. Oh and I love the look on Kate's face. These people are so ungrateful.
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