Review of Lindsay's tanning product

Sevin Nyne Tanning Mist is Lohans new money making scheme. It's tagline is "Cherish Your Skin" ..which is funny because no one gives a fuck less about their skin than the Lohans.
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Here's a review by someone who was gullible enough to try Lohans product.."Mere seconds into the process I was repulsed by the mist's orange-y coloring, obviously designed to give you -- and your bathroom floor and throw rugs -- some immediate color while the more mysterious and slow-moving chardonnay extracts are chemically altering your skin's color. As soon as I mentally adjusted to my now rust-streaked legs, I was hit by an overwhelming odor -- the best description I can muster is a smell akin to a tanker truck full of toxic sludge crashing into a pyramid of coconuts. The smell was so strong that it roused my husband from the couch -- on a different floor -- to ask if I was cooking up a batch of coconut-flavored meth in the bathroom.
Nevermind. I was going to be tan. Or tannish. I could deal with a little temporary stank. Or could I? Apparently not. I last about seven (or was it nine?) minutes before deciding that I'd rather be pasty than sticky and coco-toxic.
And so, less than 30 minutes after beginning my Lohan tanning adventure, I was freshly showered (again) and possessed of a new appreciation for my cadaverously pale legs. My bathroom throw rug, however, is now rocking a savage tan.
The verdict: Save your money for sunscreen."
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Well, what did they expect? Lohan is either albino white with freckles of streaked dark orange with pale blotches everywhere. She's always had the shittiest celeb tan in Hollywood, so why would anyone think she could "develop" a tanning product? You'd be better off to eat an economy size bag of Cheeto's and then turn the empty bag inside out and rub it on your body. It was funny that she said it smelled like coconut meth. Lindsay should "develop" that product. Oh, wait...nevermind.