The Pumpkins have found their sun, like I knew they would, and they are happy living in the burn pile and compost pile, in that untended corner of the yard. A deformed Squash finds a way to grow with the Mother plant in it's way. It could have given up and died, but, it didn't. It grew crooked but healthy.*
I have had some kind of breakthough with my Mother from blogging. I read you all and I thought a lot on everything. She can no longer get to me because now I know it's not me, no one can ever put the crazy on me again. I will not be confused by emotional ties I imagine.
I have had some kind of breakthough with my Mother from blogging. I read you all and I thought a lot on everything. She can no longer get to me because now I know it's not me, no one can ever put the crazy on me again. I will not be confused by emotional ties I imagine.
*
It's been quiet around here, I don't expect that will last, but, something has changed and she knows it. Maybe she can read it in my face or my voice, or maybe the energy I give off. She is simply blocked.
It's been quiet around here, I don't expect that will last, but, something has changed and she knows it. Maybe she can read it in my face or my voice, or maybe the energy I give off. She is simply blocked.
*
She opened my door once yesterday to ask if I was okay. Okay? I looked at her hard and said "I'm fine." End of discussion. She should have asked me if I was okay when I asked her to drive or call an ambulance the other day instead of immediately talking about what she had for breakfast and how she's allergic to this or that and whatever other obsessive nonsense she was babbling. Am I okay? Yes and no and it has nothing to do with my health. I shut her out and she knew it. I am still mad at her for that. I will not forgive her for that anymore. Her ignorance is no excuse. She is self absorbed. Everything is always about her. You can't discuss that problem with someone who has that problem (they won't hear you), but, you can shut them out. And they do know it.
*
Then she opened the door that evening, she was mad because I threw a chair out. It's a nice old chair, but, I don't have room for it. I put it in the trash. Something I never would have done a week ago without talking to her first, because I know how she is.
"You're throwing that away??!!" Well, it's in the trash, isn't it. She was shocked. She said "I want it." Real firm, like I have some obligation. I looked at her and said, it's in the trash, and shrugged. She started blathering about how I could take two old chairs out of her house and move her piano and......I thought, OMG. I told her plainly and calmly, if you want it, call the boys. She knew I was done. I am 56, I have arthritis and a motor neuron problem, I am not even supposed to be moving that chair. A piano? Really? Fuck that. It made me realize some things. Anyway, I noticed it disappeared from the curb trash. The boys must have moved it. The boys are my cousins, they live with her sister right up the street and they will do things for mom anytime. Gawd, there was a time when I would have thought I had an obligation to move those things for her just because she said so. I don't. I have a right to throw things away too. She's nuts. It is NOT my problem and no one will convince me it is anymore. She knew it too, I could see it on her face. The shock. It didn't please me, I simply don't care anymore. I will no longer waste my time and emotions on someone who doesn't love me and never did. That simple decision has set me free.
Then she opened the door that evening, she was mad because I threw a chair out. It's a nice old chair, but, I don't have room for it. I put it in the trash. Something I never would have done a week ago without talking to her first, because I know how she is.
"You're throwing that away??!!" Well, it's in the trash, isn't it. She was shocked. She said "I want it." Real firm, like I have some obligation. I looked at her and said, it's in the trash, and shrugged. She started blathering about how I could take two old chairs out of her house and move her piano and......I thought, OMG. I told her plainly and calmly, if you want it, call the boys. She knew I was done. I am 56, I have arthritis and a motor neuron problem, I am not even supposed to be moving that chair. A piano? Really? Fuck that. It made me realize some things. Anyway, I noticed it disappeared from the curb trash. The boys must have moved it. The boys are my cousins, they live with her sister right up the street and they will do things for mom anytime. Gawd, there was a time when I would have thought I had an obligation to move those things for her just because she said so. I don't. I have a right to throw things away too. She's nuts. It is NOT my problem and no one will convince me it is anymore. She knew it too, I could see it on her face. The shock. It didn't please me, I simply don't care anymore. I will no longer waste my time and emotions on someone who doesn't love me and never did. That simple decision has set me free.
48 comments:
Pat, where do you get your energy? I would love to know. I am 40 but I have many health issues that have sapped mine to who knows where.
I used to love working in my garden. Now it is depressing. Weeds everywhere. Things need to be divided. There are still leaves around from the fall. I just look at it and say Fuck it.
I want some of what you have.
Good for you DD! It's about time you showed your Mother that you are an adult and that you and you only, control yourself. You are the only one that can make yourself happy and if that requires you getting rid of all the negativity around you, so be it!
Heidi, I have always unusual strength and energy. I could kick ass when I was young, now I can't. I once tore down an entire two story barn by myself when I was 10 and saved the lumber to sell. Unusual, don't you think? I just do what I can do now, I'm always doing something, even with my hands. I have many health issues too, they are so boring I don;t blog about them. But, my Mother still sees me as her mule. Her free mule. That's over.
1:09:00 PM, thanks for the encouragement. It IS about time. I am not nothing.
Wow Pat, I have actually welled up reading that. And although you don't need it, I am really proud of you. You do deserve better & you don't have to take this shit from anyone. Good for you & well done.
Pat,
Good job, well done on the realizations made.
I think she probably does love you but it's a convoluted sort of love.
I can only relate my thoughts of it by comparing it to works of art.
Some folks only consider identifiable works, portraits, landscapes, etc... as real art. Others enjoy and see beauty in abstracts. Some abstracts are dark and frightening yet hold a level of beauty to it's creator.
I think her love for you is abstract and sort of dark yet, to her, it is real and holds it's own level of beauty. She may not know how to love any other way.
Her love is like a painting you don't want hanging on your favorite wall. You may not want it in your world but you understand the artist was simply conveying their vision.
Did this make a hoot of sense or am I rambling?
You were NEVER EVER "nothing" .. only in your mind as far as your mother was concerned... you broke the chain and now you have set yourself free.... congrats.
Again, thanks for the encouraging words. I will always do what I am obligated as a daughter to do, like mow her lawn, tend her flowers, take out her trash cans, run her errands and haul in her groceries..but, I will no longer put up with controllng bullshit or let it bother me anymore. She simply doesn't matter. Narcissists are not capable of loving you. There is no point in trying to get them to.
Other people love me. My daughter loves me and my grand daughter loves me. I am not unloved.... and I am not nothing will become my new mantra.
Always amazed that amazing women don't see themselves as the world sees you. It seems to me you "cut out the flute from the throat of the lune" so no one could hear you.
Glad to see you've found your voice. Finally.
I'll second Nina: your mother does love you - in her own way. It's not how you want it or need it, but it's there. Give it time, it will reveal itself. The sad truth is you likely won't hear the words you long for.
All this aside: you matter. You've affected many lives in so many ways. How could you ever be nothing? Pffft!
You're sweet. But that woman does not love me. I am done thinking that's possible.
This reminds me so much of my grandmother and myself when I lived in her home my home...Every time I would move something or say wouldn't that room be pretty painted whatever color I would get the response "Im not dead yet!!!". LMAO she would call her friends and tell them that I refused to feed her now mind you this would be while she was eating. I really miss her and now laugh at all the crazy things she would say and the silly arguments we had because either myself or she were to stubborn to give in and of course she was ALWAYS right (that was typed with eye roll). Pat I have not commented on the vents over your mom because I lived through it with my "Nanny" and so remember the frustration, agitation, and all the other i-o-n words that fit. You have your calming garden which I might add when I begin feeling stressed I come here and just look at the photos you have up of the garden and your readers photos...Thank you for not going away!!!
Connie
BIG HUGS DD!!!!!!
it is freeing isn't it??? it can take years but until something 'clicks' it's hard to break free....
let that inner confidence be your guide!!!
Oh, how I can relate. And I get the intention of the well-meaning person that said she loves you in her own way, but that is the kind of thinking that gets us in trouble in the first place. It's that thing that keeps us allowing them to do what they do. I've spent so much time and energy trying to figure out WHY my mom does things and it doesn't really matter. The good moments have never been about how much she loves me, they have always been about how much she wants me to love HER and that is an important difference. I recently had a similar breakthrough with my mom. You're right-they do know. They know their power has been cut off immediately and it's really unsettling for them. And like you said, it's not a good feeling but definitely a better one than the anger. The anger over it will eat you alive eventually-I know, I've been there. My most sincere congrats to you for getting to that point-it's a huge breakthrough and the beginning of a new phase. I am still new at it too, so here is hoping for the best for both of us.
Thanks Connie. I always look foreward to your comments.
Miss Tia, I know YOU know.
Just commenting again because I reread Nina's description of that dark, abstract sort of love and I do think that is a really beautiful and apt way of putting it. It's just not really all that wonderful for the person on the receiving end of it. But I do think what you are saying describes it to a 't'. At least for me.
MichelleH..everything you said is true. You know, don't you? Some people on here, I love them, but, they can;t imagine a lifetime like this.
I had a similiar breakthrough with my mom about 10 years ago. I used to make myself crazy trying to understand why she didn't seem to give a shit about me or my family. Then one day, like a light switch, it just clicked and I realized that it had nothing to do with me. She simply is just not capable. Was such a relief for me and now I can deal with her because I understand what I can expect from her. Glad to see you're seeing the light...you can't change crazy or selfish people. But you can choose to not them them affect you. Bravo to you for drawing the line!
I am proud of you too. I know I have no idea of what you have been gone through, but I know this much: abuse hurts. Some would say "it's your mother love/respect her no matter what because you have to" but not me. Respect is something you earn and she hasn't earned yours. You stand your ground.
She knows you've blocked her. She can feel it and that's why she asks of you're ok. She doesn't have power anymore.
If she's like my mom, I agree that she doesn't love you, but it has nothing to do with you. She is incapable.
"I am not unloved.... and I am not nothing will become my new mantra"
Wow...that is impressive and healthy and wonderful. Good for you.
I am not alone. You guys are awesome. Yes, there was abuse. Not the beatings, that was common and just ignorant bullshit, there are no scars from that. There are terrible scars from the emotional games and dirty behind my back dealings.
Seriously, even into adulthood. Unbeliveable things. If I told you, you'd just shit. She can officially KISS MY ASS FOREVER. Ha, I'm done. I'm freeeeeeeeee!
Did I tell you she stole my farm? Yep.
i've always said mental/emotional abuse causes more damage than physical....
I agree with you. Bitch owes me a house.
That's kind of big, you know?
my mom is very similar to yours and even though I am grown now and pretty tough in my own opinion if I think about it long enough I will start to cry..Things she did and did NOT do in this instance has affected me my whole life. I never let it run me but it's always there in the back of my mind and it hurts me. I feel like people look at me like my mother does..with disgust, like I'm an annoyance..when people probably don't...It's a jet eye mind trick and I just wonder if she has ever really realized how much her consistent non loving behavior has affected my life for the worse.
ahhhh...this is why i try not to think about. Someone once told me "You have to uproot the evil seeds in your life in order to replant the good seeds and watch them flourish.."
So fitting...Good Luck with yo momma. I hope you can find peace.
~Elizabeth
I am sorry for you, Elizabeth. Awwww. I am sorry for all of us who have parents that are like that. It sucks. We can get even by being happy.
Pat, you said it. I've had the same problem with emotional blackmail but I'm done. It feels good to be free.
Pat,
I hear ya on your mom. We kids (6 of us)as adults realized that the one who treated "mom" the worst. (not calling, not visiting, etc) was the one who would get the most positive attention.
As we were children, she was very controlling, verbal and mentally abusive, and yes, we saw the wrong end of hairbrushes, belts, wooden spoons, etc. on many occasions.
However, once I accepted the fact that I, as an adult, did not have to let her run my life, I was free. The first few times I hung up on her, she was shocked. She began to tread carefully. When I had my children, she would often step in to punish when she saw fit. That happened once, when I then informed her that I was their mother and I would be the person who would punish if and when I saw fit. And yes, I broke the cycle and did not resort to physical violence!
So......long winded as I am...Stand your ground. No one can take advantage of you (family included) , unless you allow them. Once she realizes that she has no power over you, things may begin to change.
And remember..the higher power gives us our families, but we get to choose our friends. My friends are more "family" than some of my siblings!
Seems like we all have horror stories, Pat. I don't even know if I can accurately sum up the messed up dynamics in my family. How many characters are allowed here? lol.
I was an oops and always knew it. My mom got pregnant young (and unmarried) & my gma tried everything in her power to have her end the pregnancy. That fact was never a secret. She might not have said it out loud but I could have been dumb deaf & blind and still know how my grandma felt. To top it off the relationship between my mom and her mom had been on the rocks since my grandpa died - gram remarried and had new, better children. Their relationship has never been right & I felt a lot of it trickle down to me. Growing up I never felt good enough for my grandma and my uncles (mom's younger half brothers). I spent a lot of time trying to be someone I'm not, trying to fit in. As I got older, and wiser?, I got sick of how much work it was. Being a family shouldn't be that hard, you shouldn't leave every gathering in tears. You shouldn't be made to feel inferior.
When Sam was born she was received the same way as I. Even though I was married and older than my mom was. Our first night in the hospital with her, my gma and uncles went out on the town instead of coming to meet her. No matter how hard I tried, and bit my tongue, so that Sammy could have a 'normal' family, things weren't getting any better. No one took any interest in her. It was the exact opposite. She's 15 months and I'm still waiting for them all to wake up and realize I had a friggen baby! I finally made the executive decision to no longer put myself in those situations that I know will upset me, and eventually Sam. It's not worth it. I'd rather have her grow up without her 'blood' family than a messed up one who'll never accept her for who she is, whoever she becomes. Once I did that, I felt 30lbs lighter. They all act like they don't understand. I hear it thru the grapevine. That's how my family is, mom said gram said that uncle j said this. All gossip. No one says anything to anyones face. When I tried it was like WW3. Sometimes my mom still gets upset. But it just makes everything easier.
Hopefully one day they come to their sences, but I'm done wasting my time.
Good for you. Your time and energy are to precious to be wasted. That's such a valuable thing to know.
Pat, I am soooo so happy for you! :)
I cannot say a thing except that I'm happy you're happy. I did not have a life like your's so there is no advice to give. I can say I love your blog, because you offer a place I can come everyday and get a laugh, advice or words of wisdom. Your blog is you, so maybe that means we all love you, too.
Biz, Sammy is the most wonderful baby and you are the best mama. I love getting insight from your blog and seeing Sammy grow. Fuck your family, she's too good for them. You made the right choice. OMG, I would die if I couldn't see Alissa. They are crazy.
Corina, you are just such a sweet girl. I'm glad you're here.
Maureen, you bless me by being here..that's the truth. You are wise.
Iambrezy, SM@L, meissa,Nadine, Heidi, Tia, Bubbles, Michelle, Nina,Connie,even the anons.. all of you, such amazing people. The quality of my regular readers tell me I am not a bad person.
I hope I didn't skip anyone...OMG...all of you!
Naseem, my friend, I worry about you. While my situation is bad for my mental health, you are in real danger. I worry, I worry.
H Pat,
Sorry to be late to the 'party', but I just read through your post and the responses - boy, can I relate. I'm forty years old and while I've definitely developed more of a backbone with my mother, unfortunately I haven't gathered my strength up to be able to step back to the degree that you have. I think for me it's mostly guilt about depriving my children of a grandmother (which, ironically, is one of the things my mother did to me growing up).
I had to laugh the other day - my sister and I were bitching with each other about something crazy my mother had done. When I asked her for the first time ever if she knew what narcissistic personality disorder was, she responded yes, and that she had just asked our other sister the same exact question for the same reason the day before. Nice to see we're all reaching enlightenment at roughly the same pace...
Bernadette (formerly konspiracytheory)
Dirty, she needs to own her choices and words and realize that those words and choices have consequences. Good for you. Do NEVER allow yourself to feel one damn ounce of guilt. We are responsible for our actions and happiness. I waste so much time feeling angry and feeling guilt. It's a bunch of bullshit, and I'm trying to let things go. It's effecting my health and making me miserable.
Stay strong and true to your feelings, it's your life and no one else's. Now I'm gonna take my own advise and stop wallowing in self pity and anger.
Bernadette, it's so funny that you and your sister figured it out, but, your mother never will.
Shelly, I don't feel guilty. I feel free. When I realized I have no guilt about what I said to her the other day, I realized I was right.
I forgot to add, that in this whole chair deal..she doesn't allow me to throw "good things" away. She constanly goes through all my trash. She tried to decide everything from when I will eat to what furniture I will have. She brings me little plates of shitty cat hair covered food all day, she had my couch hauled off while I was at work..on and on. There will be no more of it.
And I told her so. And no more of her relatives and friends in my house, ever.
I find this blog theraputic. Honestly. Thank you to you and your readers for making this such a nice place to be.
~Elizabeth
***********She's nuts. It is NOT my problem and no one will convince me it is anymore. She knew it too, I could see it on her face. The shock. It didn't please me, I simply don't care anymore. I will no longer waste my time and emotions on someone who doesn't love me and never did. That simple decision has set me free.**********
APPLAUSE!
Takes a bow. Her sister is next.
eagerly awaiting ACT 2
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