Who is she, I wonder? Was she the child's Grandmother? Or maybe the child's Mother with prematurely grey hair? They didn't have Clairol back then. Whoever she was, her grief is over, it was painted in 1884 by Ivan Kramskoi. She must have hated this painting. To have the moment of your worst heart break recorded for history? Uggg.*
I visited Eric's grave today, my intention was to clean it up. He had lots of friends and they leave things. It's interesting to see what they leave, but, some of it needs cleaned up, like dead flowers. He liked things neat and orderly. His headstone is taller than the rest and it shines like a beacon. It's just shocking to me. Stark and shocking. I go there alone. I didn't cry at the funeral and I will never cry in front of "them." No one around here, save the very few who know me, will get any ounce of emotion from me. I am not their soap opera. They can think what they want, I just don't care what this town thinks of me anymore or ever again.
*
I don't usually do sad posts, that's not what I am. I am not, in general, a sad person, but, this is what I did today. Someone had already cleaned Eric's grave. Not only were the dead flowers and rained on posters gone, but, the tall stone had been polished. The only clue was a green guitar pick stuck in the bottom of the marble where the headstone meets the pedestal. I stood there awhile doing, I suppose, what mothers who've lost children have done for centuries and then I left another green guitar pick and drove off. I always carry a green guitar pick in my purse. Always.
*
It's a pretty place, I should take more pictures of it. Part of it is ancient with a pretty old iron fence. But, I don't really like going there. I really don't. And so, I've had my center of sadness for the day and came home and dug out all his childhood pictures and toys and then I put them back and fixed some dinner. I still wonder who cleaned and polished his stone? They must have loved him very much. I wish I could thank them.
26 comments:
Big hugs to you! I'm sure whomever it was that they know you appreciate it. It's a testament to your son that someone would do that.
Your son was obviously loved very much. I can't fathom what it must be to lose a child. The worst possible tragedy that any mother could humanly endure. Your "saving grace" is that you have heard from him and know he is doing very well. This does not help your pain but may alleviate some of the worries of not knowing. Wild guess and you will probably laugh at this: is it possible that it's your DIL who cleaned it up?
::big hugs::
i bet whoever did it knows you would appreciate it....
No, not DIL. No way. She only washed dishes once a year. LMAO.
I always wondered how mothers could live through it, but, somehow you do. You just do.
Wow, the green pick again. I think Eric cleaned up his own room and connected with you again. SERIOUSLY
smiles and hugs
"I wish I could thank them"
Probably you just did. ((hugs))
Who ever it was knew him well. They knew about his superstitious use of neon green picks and his obsession with cleanliness.
Pat, I'm sorry. I wish I could say or do more, but I don't think anything ever eases the pain of a loss. So, again, I'm sorry.
Thank you all, but, I'm okay. You know what happened once? I posted Eric's My Space here when he was alive and he had hundreds of hits. He was amazed and said "OMG, Mom, you have so many people who read you! I didn't know that." I told him they were all good people too. Things like that are nice memories.
I knew you would laugh! It probably helps to have another child too - your daughter and you are so close and together you can share your memories and support each other. And Liss, of course. That would make it all worthwhile. Hugs.
DD I just want to say that Im so glad that I
found your blog and I wish you comfort and
peace always. Who ever cleaned your sons
grave today knows Eric was so special to you.
The painting of the woman above reminds
me of that there is beauty in the breakdown.
Without the coolness of the rainy and grey
sky we would not be able to have the warm
sun and blue heavens. Life exists as a
dichotomy. The painting is a masterpiece.
Awww.
One of Erics many friends cleaned up the grave, they must know how hard it is for you to go there...and they want to share your grief by giving a hand in keeping the grave/headstone just the way Eric would want it...NEAT/SHINY/WITH A GREEN GUITAR PICK CLOSEBY....
I like paintings like the one you posted. Sadness in a picture evokes empathy and stirs emotions from our own life experience.
That was probably not the first child she had lost in those times, and especially if it's Russian in the 1800's. We all grieve alone and in our own way; like her.
In Plutarch's "Life of Solon", he says that the wealthiest man in the world is the one remembered fondly by his friends and family, obviously Eric is one of them.
thank you for sharing Pat.
Jarhead
DD - Even though I believe in reincarnation and the spirit world there's still a great amount of grief surrounding the loss of a loved one. I can't begin to understand what you have gone through (the loss of a child) and I hope I never will.
Have you ever done a past life reading on anyone? I am very much interested in that sort of thing and would love it if you shared a story about a reading of that nature.
Big Hugs, DD.
{{{{{{Pat}}}}} Hugs.
I have been in a funk my Jenna and Keely's bodies are resting in a small cemetary in Mojave California with many of my family including grandparents and dad, I am not there to visit or clean but I do know that I have a wonderful aunt who does visit I also know that an unknown person has left gifts for my girls. I have been in OK for the past 6-7 years now and moved into a larger home last month am still unpacking. I still find myself protective of Jen and Keely's things the stuffed animals that would lie next to them while they slept. I felt guilty when I came home and took one of Keely's bears from Shay who had found it in a box that I hadn't gotten to yet, she did nothing wrong I didn't yell at her, I just took the bear away walked down the hall silently crying leaving her crying because the bear she had found was taken, locked myself in my room listening to her cry not being able to comfort her because I was holding this stinkin bear grasping it crying uncontrollably...asking the still unknown question of WHY WHY, wondering if the pain will ever leave since it's been so long but feels like a minute ago...I went through all the items that I had kept of both the girls then placing them back into the container and placing it up high out of reach of others and still feeling guilty, looking around for something anything that I could give to Shay Shay realizing then that not only had I taken away the bear from her but for a good 30 minutes I had taken me away from her so I placed a smile upon my face, found her in the kitchen getting into the spoons and forced her to allow me to love on her for a few seconds then she told me "co-ner" and I told her sorry. And I now tell all of you Thank you for allowing me to ramble and let things out here...even if you don't understand.
Connie
Hugs to DD and Connie ♥ Life works in mysterious ways but our lost loves had a job that they finished and it was time they moved on to continue their cycles. Souls live eternally and I think that's what helps us keep going even when we think we can't.
~ Jess
aww ((hugs to anonymous 1:27:00))
Hi Connie,
I hope you can find peace soon.
Jarhead
Connie, ditto on what Jess said, very well put! I just remember the pain of loosing my brother and what my mom went through, a lot like Pat/DD, she went on, with the pain in her soul but she had three other children to live for, she just went on. I asked her how she did it and she said she did it for her living children, if we had not been around she would have just faded away in sadness.
My brother was burried in Argentina where he died but when i was 16, my father and I went down there to exume his body, they were just his bones but Mom wanted them with her. I watched as they took his body out and then as my grandmother cleaned his bones with alcohol and but them in a cloth bag she made and then dad had a cedar box made and sealed his bones in there. I carried my brother in a duffle bag through airport security and put him in the overhead compartment on the plane and now he sits in Mom's closet in our shared home. I need to create a pedestal or something for him, like he had at mom and dad's house but mom is fine with where he is and his final resting place will be burried with my mom when she dies, she wants him right in her arms. Anyhow, I was always upset that my mom wanted to bring home, I kept telling her he was with her already but now that i am mother I understand her. ok, gotta get back to work...thanks, Pat! You tough ole' cookie you!
ali
Pat, I go to my Dad's grave site
Connie, I thought of your girls when I made this post. It's such a hard thing to go through even once, let alone twice in a lifetime. I gave Eric's bears to Lissa. It made me feel better and she treasures them. It still hurts to look at them though.
Alicia, your story was so hard to read. Your poor mother.
Matilda, I don't do past readings, it's not something I know about. Sometimes I get something like that about a person, but, it's random.
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