The voice of reason

I put up a couple of strings of orange lights last night. It's started. I feel odd about it, and it makes me mad that I have to feel odd about it. Is it too soon? Probably. But, I really like them. I tell myself, what if I die before October? Wouldn't I die pissed off that I didn't put up my orange lights? I haven't been feeling that great, it's always a possibility. Though I doubt it, my doctor gives me reasons why I feel bad and none of them are leading to death in a month. He knows a lot about medicine. Did it ever seem to you that some doctors know a lot about medicine and not a lot about anything else? Not that he lives in a bubble, he has a life he doesn't try and hide. He likes history novels, but, only if they have a humanistic plot and he likes hunting birds and deer. He has pictures of that stuff in little frames all over his office. You'd think that'd be off putting, but, it's not. He likes dogs. And he saves all the goofy crayoned drawings his kid patients make for him. They line all the doors. I think he dreams of hunting in Africa, but, maybe just for photos, because he likes pictures of Africa's big five, but, only the ones that show mothers with babies. I like his actual office because it's full of books, willy nilly, stacks and piles, old and new. He likes globes too. That place is kind of a mess, I don't know how he finds anything. But, it's fine because patients don't go in there much. I've only been in there a couple of times and I've had to pick up stuff to sit down. You can tell it's where he works on things by himself. And the best thing I like about his office and his exam rooms is that there is nothing religious in them. He has one tiny bit of stained glass in the shape of an angel in one window, but, you can tell some patient made it for him. It's a real piece of crap. I'm done with religious doctors. Anyway, I really don't know how this started to be about him..oh, yes I do. He has this strange way of getting in your face. At first it weirded me out, but, then I realized what he was doing. I'm not even sure if he knows what he's doing, but, he gets down beside you while you're sitting and he looks in your eyes. He studies the area around your head intently. Sometimes he touches you, on the hand or shoulder. We all know what that touching bit is, make the patient trust you. It doesn't work with me, I don't like being touched. But, the way he does it at that time relates to what he's doing. He's diagnosing by looking and I've learned to sit there and let him. It's odd, but, he always comes up with something and he has always been correct. Now, I realize doctors are trained to look for subtle signs of illness, in the skin, in the eyes, and he does that, but, he also looks intently at the area around your head. That's the area where I see energy, some people call that an aura. I don't think most people would notice that he does that, but, he does and I'd really like to ask him what he sees. But, I never have. What if he doesn't even realize he's doing that? Could I jinx him by making him aware of it? Or would he just think I'm nuts? I think it's better to just keep my mouth shut and observe.
*
I haven't seen Death around lately. And when Death is around, it doesn't give me it's agenda. So I don't really know much more than anyone else. This is the first time I have admitted I see Death and I am not real comfortable saying it. If you say you've seen Death, won't people think you're nuts? I wonder who else has seen it? I'll bet I'm not alone, it's just something you don't usually talk about. Death takes many forms, it's not always dark, but, it usually is. I keep re-reading this part and saying to myself, do not hit publish on that. Delete it. I don't know if I will or not, I'll keep typing and see where it takes me. You know there's a Death card in the Tarot? Yeah, I wish someone would change that, it doesn't mean death, it means great change and when people get it, it's always good and pertains to the question they asked..love, money, job, etc. But, people see that card and they get scared and I don't like that so if I ever made a Tarot deck I would change that card with the death skull on it. I rarely see death in the cards, but, experience has taught me that when death is coming it is seen (in my case) as an abrupt ending of the cards. They just don't seem to go anywhere. It's like they drift off. I don't know how to explain it any better. Sometimes, when you've lived long enough you can recognize Death when you see it. Death is not a ghost, it's something different. I don't think it's ever been human. It comes as a form, as a feeling, as a vision, as a dream, as an entity, as a season. Sometimes it's right there in front of you and you can't see it. Sometimes it's so blatant you can't ignore it. I guess I'll hit publish on this, there are people who already think I'm insane. Am I really supposed to care that much? It's not like I totally disagree with them. But, I am telling the truth here. In life, I find that telling the truth is sometimes almost as hard as lying. Lying takes way too much work. Keeping quiet is a better option than either most of the time. Maybe when I die people will say, well, she was sort of crazy, but, she wasn't a liar. I can live with that (har har). And like I said, I haven't seen Death around for awhile. Death must be busy somewhere else. It makes no sense to think there's only one Death. There must be a lot of them, don't you think? My voice of reason, (and I do have one, that's what keeps me from going up to you in the grocery store and giving you messages from your dead Grandma), says shut up about Death. You are going to cause trouble. I'll blame it on Samhain...and the orange lights.