I've heard the term gaslighting many times, I assumed it meant someone is trying to make you think you're crazy, when most likely it's them that suffers from a defective mental condition. And, of course, I am aware of the 1940 film Gaslight. But, the actual definition of gaslight was much more interesting than my limited version..
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gaslighting
A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose whatsoever, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent. {You're reading "Definition of Gaslighting" by J. E. Brown.} Often done by friends and family members, who claim (and may even believe) that they are trying to be helpful. The gaslighting abuser sees himself or herself as a nurturing parental figure in relation to the victim, and uses gaslighting as a means for keeping the victim in that relationship, perhaps as punishment for the victim's attempt to break out of the dependent role.
A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose whatsoever, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent. {You're reading "Definition of Gaslighting" by J. E. Brown.} Often done by friends and family members, who claim (and may even believe) that they are trying to be helpful. The gaslighting abuser sees himself or herself as a nurturing parental figure in relation to the victim, and uses gaslighting as a means for keeping the victim in that relationship, perhaps as punishment for the victim's attempt to break out of the dependent role.
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Example 1: If an abusive person says hurtful things and makes you cry, and then, instead of apologizing and taking responsibility, starts recommending treatments for what he or she calls "your depression" or "your mood swings," you are in the presence of a gaslighter.
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Example 2: If someone insults you or criticizes you, and then pretends it was a joke and asks "Don't you have a sense of humor?", that's gaslighting.
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Perception blaming is a common form of gaslighting, and a common technique for evading the consequences of one's actions. Example: "I'm sorry you perceived my words that way; it wasn't my intention." Translation: "You are perceptually defective. Everyone else in the world can read my mind; if you can't, there must be something wrong with you. Or so I'd like you to believe." Unspoken Message: "My intention should change your actions (even though it didn't change mine)." This presupposes the reasoning "Most people are judged for their actions; but *I* want to be judged for my unseen intentions." For more about this double standard, see Definition of Conceit.
Have you been gaslighted? I'm betting you have as there must be many forms of it, both blatant and extremely subtle. Tell us about your gaslighter.
32 comments:
i do like that movie, gaslight....very good!!!
You just explained my hubs family. They are a bunch of gaslighters.
Well at least this is a new word I can know use towards them.. Thanks DD.. Its always a great thing to expand your vocabulary.
Understanding how abusers work is the best defense. Except for machine guns.
I thought I knew what gaslighting meant in full - but now I realize, there is alot more to it. An ex-boyfriend from my early 20's comes to mind but I knew something was off, which is why he became an ex.
I love the movie and stop to watch it anytime I come across it.
Thank you for the information.
I grew up with a softcore version of this. My parents always saw us as incompetent.
Narcissist parents often keep their children in a state of subservience by refusing to see them as capable. They keep them dependent their whole lives this way, though of course when the kids realize what's going on, they have the option to completely dissociate from the entire family forever - that's the only way out. (read Sam Vaknin and Alice Miller)
But fuck, it takes a long time and a lot of effort to extricate yourself from those tentacles. I'm working on that now and it feels like I'm only halfway, after 7 years of effort.
You sure nailed your mom, Pat. Can I openly call her a skanky fucking mucoid toxin now? Or should I keep pretending to respect her because she bore you???
anon...it does take a long time to get away from that....i did it and it's the best thing i ever did!! the only 'issue' i've ever had were people telling me i HAVE to speak to my parents...BULL FUCKING SHIT I DO! people who have had somewhat normal and/or happy loving parents don't understand that there are some of us who haven't had that....
if you encounter that, go with a line i used to good effect 'if i was in an abusive relationship with a partner you would tell me to leave it right?'....
I'm lucky as hell. The only 'abuse' that I encounter is pretty mild. My in-laws will clip out articles from the paper about procrastination, how to be a leader, and other self-help bullshit...and mail them to my husband. He just rolls his eyes, but I get pissed! How dare they send us unsolicited advice?
For Christ sake, their son has two M.A.'s and a PhD., and they don't even read books, ever. We have never asked to borrow money from them, but they still inquire about our bills and comment on what we buy. We spend our money on bills only, never took a vacation, never bought a new piece of furniture.
I'm thinking of clipping out an article about how to mind your own fucking business, and mailing it to them.
I mean what the fuck? We aren't kids...we are 35 yrs. old!
It seems the far right neo-cons in this country are trying to perfect the art of gaslighting the rest of us. They definitely have got "gasbagging" down.
Wow! That was my ex in a "nutshell"...
Great post, Pat.
Hope to get caught up here. Been busy and self-absorbed lately. :D
I think Gaslighting is similiar to "Emotional Blackmail." If anybody gets a chance to read the book by Dr. Susan Forward, I highly recommend it.
You sure nailed your mom, Pat. Can I openly call her a skanky fucking mucoid toxin now? Or should I keep pretending to respect her because she bore you???
gee . . . the other day I felt guilty calling her a crazy old bat . . . . . . Now I have to google mucoid
Miss Tia -- People who tell you you HAVE to talk to them are busy-bodies dealing with their own guilt about something. I had happy/loving parents but would NEVER doubt decisions others have made.
In fact . . . PAT . . . look at Miss Tia! (oh, I just acted like a busy-body).
oh i agree TVsnark! but that is something you encounter if somehow it comes up in conversation....some people 'MEAN' well and probably say it out of ignorance....always good to have a line prepared...
the forward book, you mean 'toxic parents'? excellent book!!!
Misstia, that's a great comeback about abusive parent.
The reason I like Alice Miller so much is that she is the ONLY 'authority' I've ever heard state that you don't owe your parents forgiveness. She's a mom, now in her 60s I think.
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/B002KWF9O8/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255372450&sr=8-2
Same author . . . different book.
She's good. This book was recommended by my therapist while I was leaving my husband. It helped me to see when I was being emotionally blackmailed and also helped me DO IT TO THE FUCKER BACK!!
heehee, I don't think that's what the book was intended for . . . ..
TVSnark...my adise has always been this: If someone says a derogatory remark about their own family member, just listen. Don't add or embelish to the comment. Just keep your mouth shut. They won't always be mad at the family member, but they sure as hell will remember what you said about that person. It's NEVER ok to critisize another persons family, even if they are doing it themselves. It's rude & unnessary and mean. So, dont say anything bad about DD's mother Please. Regardless of what she says on here or what you may think. It's not needed. I always love your comments but that one was off base.
My mom is a gaslighter. It made me feel like I was going insane when she would gaslight me. Then I started to see how fucked up she is.
I bought the book on Gaslighting but it focuses more on men/woman relationships than on how to deal with a gaslighting family member.
Everybody in my family gaslights me and so do all my doctors. I am too submissive and hardly ever go out. I realize this but am at a loss for how to stop it.
I would like to go to therapy but I can't afford it. The whole therapy system pisses me off because it's SUPPOSEDLY to help people who are sad and overwhelmed and feel stuck in their situation. Well, that is not usually the people who have money to burn. It's such a Catch-22. If I had money I could afford therapy, but if I had money I wouldn't need therapy so much since I could afford to move away and not be stuck where I am unhappy. Ugh.
alison---most communities have counseling places that treat on a sliding fee---if you have no money, you pay no money!! and/or schools that have psychology programs will offer free services as you have a master's student as a counselor (who is overseen by a psychologist)....
check your local library for susan forward's book "toxic parents"....
and your mantra should be "i do not deserve to be treated like this"....
Rox- I was quoting a previous poster.
TVSnark: Ok. Thanks for the heads-up. I didnt get that. Sorry. And some HAVE said bad things about DD's mom on here. It's just really a bad idea. It doesnt help. Let DD vent. We all have to do that from time to time. We dont always need any input.
Thanks again!
No one is out of line here, it's cool. I hate the bitch and I don't care what anyone says about her.
AND..she's functionally retarded, so no one can help me or her. She can't be changed.
Pat,
I know she can't be helped but many of us would love to help you!!
I've been nearly gas-lighted to death by my ex-MIL. She has done it to my XDH so much that he has serious anxiety problems and it's part of why he left. She did it to me so much that I cut her off. Example, she used to talk washing the walls when she cleaned, the only way to really get your kitchen clean. She would always hint that my kitchen wasn't clean. So, one day I wash my walls and tell hear about it. "Oh I don't do that anymore, it's a waste of time"
Gad, I hate that bitch. I hope she rots.
Thank you for the suggestion Miss Tia-this would be a good option, I would like to try it. Until now I haven't had much luck-one timeI went to someone who used the sliding scale and it still cost almost a hundred bucks per session...WTF. I couldn't afford to go more than twice and I know you have to keep this kind of thing up if you want to make any progress.
The best therapy I've EVER had was with a university student who gave me therapy for my OCD for free in exchange for writing about our sessions for her psychology class. She recorded our sessions and took notes. I know some people don't like that kind of therapy because they find it invasive but it doesn't bother me. I'd do it if I could find it for free or cheap, that's for sure!
I think a lot of people in my life don't neccessarily mean to gaslight but they do because they reallyt hink it's best for me-I almost died when I was little and ever since then I've had tons of health scares and I think my family/doctors really think they are doing me a favor by making me feel I'm not strong enough emotionally or physically to do things for myself. It is only in the last few years I have noticed this at all and I don't really know how to fix it or how to even make them realize it needs to be fixed.
Interesting post. Never heard the term before.
I had an ex who used to make cruel jokes about me and then when I got upset would do the whole "come on, can't you take a joke" routine. It happened a lot and really messed with my head. If somebody does that today I call them out on in immediately.
alison---you will probably never make THEM realize it needs to be fixed...YOU have to realize that you need to get away from their kind of thinking, which you already realize---that right there is very empowering!! you just need some tools to be able to tune out what they say to you.....!!!
you can do it!!!
the original gaslight (the one you show a pic of) is awesome! i have it so we can watch whenever & every time it is on tcm i watch it.
btw, im no longer anonymous! i got a google acct, lol.
My third and final husband was an expert Gaslighter. In the thirteenth year of our marriage, before I took the four youngest kids and ran, I was stunned to discover he'd been addicted to methamphetamine for three years; it was initially given away "for free" at the plant where he worked. Now it finally made sense, the times he'd come home from a 16-hour day and be more than happy to wash three days worth of dishes and baby bottles, followed by an all-night session of meticulously clipping coupons we never used.
Eventually, he needed real money to buy his nose candy and would "steal" the checkbook and ATM card. Near hysterical and always in tears, I'd call my mother and tell her how I'D lost the checkbook and I was losing MY mind; this was after I'd torn up the entire house looking and had yet to put everything back together, as if I needed more to do. She'd say "Stop looking." And sure enough, as soon as I got busy putting the house back together, the checkbook would miraculously reappear; damn if it wasn't exactly where I'd hidden it from him in the first place. Sort of reminds me of Charles Boyer hiding that oil painting from Ingrid Bergman in "Gaslight." Unfortunately it took me almost two years to catch on to "the hiding game", as I didn't have Joseph Cotten living across the street looking out for me.
But I did have good old Mom to call, who knew exactly what to do when something important was "lost." Of course she knew, as she was the Alltime Number One Gaslighter, whose Narcissistic and Borderline Personalities managed to royally screw up every one of her nine children. Why, some of us are still in therapy.
Years later, when I finally managed to get me and the kids to a battered women's shelter, I was explaining to the intake lady how my husband would "gaslight" me. How he'd take something really important, like the kid's birth certificates or medical cards, rendering me sick and nervous and all weepy and dependent. The woman just glared at me. Then she said, "Gaslighting is what people do when they're manufacturing methamphetamine, isn't it?"
Thanks for listening to my experience with gaslighting. I love your site, Pat.
Jesus, Alana..what a tale of horror. Tell me more about your mother. Please.
That shelter woman was just ignorant. Or maybe she made meth. Heh.
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