I had to go stock up for the BLIZZAAAAAAAARD, and of course, mom had pills she forgot to tell me about the other day. So I stopped at the pharmacy, which in a small town, is like the local social center. Turns out they were crowded and I had to wait. The Adams family had all the chairs and they haven't had a bath or combed their hair since 1964 so no one would stand near them. No joke, they smell so bad people leave and come back later when they're in a store. But, we all had to wait because of the weather. You might not get back out there for a few days. I backed down the aisle near sanitary pads and bladder control protection (no thanks, I already stocked up) and smiled politely at my fellow travelers. A woman standing next to me smiled back and said "hi." I didn't know her, I thought I knew everybody in the small village, but, she was dressed nicely and had a pleasant face. I said hello back. She said, can you believe this snow? Oh, my, I never saw such snow! She asked, how would you describe this snow? And I said, well, I'm in a public place so I shouldn't use that kind of language. She said I was funny. "Gee you sure are funny!" She then launched into a story about how this was the sweetest little quaint town and she's just moved here from Bulldog County and wasn't it sweet? I said "Goooooo Bulldogs?" She laughed and said her name was Kathy and her son broke his leg on a ski trip and she was getting him some meds and that made her awfully busy and her grandmother had the nerve to ask her to take down her Christmas lights in all this snow! And I said, "Geesh, tell granny to unscrew all but the green ones and they'll last her until St. Patricks day."*
She laughed and waved her hand in front of her eyes like I made her cry. She said, oh my gosh, you are funny, you sure are funny! Uhh huu. Can I show you something in bladder control? I backed up into colostomy bags and inhalers. I also grabbed a bottle of pepto because I felt in a toilet hugging mood. I was kinda hoping just to keep the chicken soup down today. The lady then asked "And what is your husband's name? " She said it just like that, what is..? I said, I don't have one. She said, oh, my dear, I'm sorry. And she patted me on the shoulder. I was starting to feel like Sally Rogers, 'member her? Only my hair is naturally blond and I don't have a big velvet bow in the side. Remind me to buy one of those. I felt like I had to compensate somehow and I said, well I had one once, years ago. And the lady said "Oh, I'm sure you'll get another one, you are so funny!" By this time I had backed up into orthepedic shoes and that's a place I never wanted to go. Luckily the pharmacist called my name and I said, nice meeting you, Kathy, shook her hand and booked. As a parting shot I yelled, take care of your son and tell Grandma the red ones are for Valentines! She cracked up (some people are too easy) and bent over laughing. She poked the guy next to her, pointed at me and said "She's so funny! She's just so funny!" Yep. That's me. Maybe that guy wants to marry me. You arrange that Kathy and let me know. Maybe he has a house. Ah, small town life. I now know everyone.
33 comments:
Pissing my pants with the descriptions - thanks. You sure are funny, DD!
So I'm told. Heh.
Always loved Sally when I watched Dick reruns as a kid but her man-hungry desperation bugged me. I used to wonder why on Earth she was so desperate. I remember she was forever going on blind dates with complete losers and still wanting to marry them! Even as a kid in the early 80s I was seriously confused as to why she wanted to date those loser Mamas-boy types when she was so funny and had a great job and friends. Was that what the 50s and 60s were REALLY like? If so, then I owe a big 'thank you' to all you early feminists.
Ohhhh, I wish I'd have thought of this a minute ago. Pat, if this ever happens again PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell the woman you're a lesbian! Oh, that would be fun!
Sally had Herman Glimpshire, remember him? LMAO! What a scmuck.
DD, you are so funny!!!
Snort.
OMG! the whole Adams Family or a least enough of them to take up all the chairs. eewwwwww. Darn those people are dirty. Some sort of water phobia I would like to think. but probably just lazy and dirty! For those who have no idea about this family you really must see it in real life to appreciate the mess. Speech impediments add to the character. The kids who sack their groceries use there own money to sneak in deodorant and soap. The dirty family sometimes brought it back. Claimed they didn't buy it or need it.
DD you are really funny but this Kathy could have been a little high on BO and their disturbing appearance.
Wonder if the Adam's would allow a picture? I think it is mean to make fun of people but I think DD fans should know!
I kept waiting for the part where you wanted to run her over after she told you to take Jesus into your heart.
You know if you just put on a little more makeup and talked about things that interest him you could probably snag yourself a husband in no time! And would it kill you to put on a dress?
Betcha can't wait to run into Kathy again. You'll have to think up some more funnies for her.
She's going to be standing on a street corner... yelling "YooHoo, Pat, oh Pat - funny lady, let's go grab a cup of coffee and get acquainted"
You're doomed.
Noelle, I'll get a pic of them to post. If they were nice, I wouldn't. But, they are really awful and pushy. I'll do it!
LMAO @ Tonya..I'll try harder.
Noelle, I'd like to get a shot of the back of Mary's head. You know how ratty and wreched it is. Ewww, she's awful. Just awful.
my most mortifying and crushing experience around caring for an incontinent, geriatric mother with dementia is being sent by her to the supermarket to buy up on large super size packs of gold label (the cheap brand) menstruation pads. for me it guarantees a crushing loss of dignity because there is NOTHING more telling than a 60 year old woman pounding the aisles with a trolley load of pads. i can take a lot of embarrassment and humiliation but that really does push me over the edge. as if being 60 isn't bad enough! sometimes i'll even regress to sheepishly mumbling something about my mothers incontinence to which the check out chicks or guys just stare 'yeahright' at me. i just want a colostomy bag if i hit her age.
i had a job once working with welfare women who smelt so bad it really made me gag. we had a community kitchen where they could make phone calls, coffee, etc. after one of those smelly people had been in there we had to wait an hour or so before we could enter the kitchen again because of the stench. someone told me that these women don't wash on purpose, because the stench prevented their men from wanting to fuck them. its a cheap form of contraception!
Can't wait to see the pictures of the Adams now...
Mary in a summertime outfit would also be stellar you know when she is letting it all hang out! uugh! eeeww.
Yes the the back of her head just makes ones skin crawl.
Crabbie could not have said it better my self. YOU are funny!
OMG,Thanks for the laugh. I'm laughing--high on BO, Jesus in your heart.
Jesus..my kids have not been back to school since xmas break, they are driving me NUTS! Enough with the snow!
Ratty head....reminded me I once saw a teenage girl with ratty braids and as I was looking at the filthy, disgusting mess, the hair MOVED......
yup....lice......
Yea, I hate getting in line at the store behind someone that really smells bad, and then they leave and someone gets behind you and that person thinks the smell is YOU! I hate it when that happens. It makes you want to turn around and say..that fucker smelled didn't he?
I hate the smell of weeks old BO!
how random! I find when I'm feeling extra conciliatory at the store I always have strange interactions like this (yes, normally I'm quiet, keep to myself, and use my "back-off!" stare when in stores and people approach me). Typically I simply want to run in, run out, and get back home - especially in this weather! Recently, I was feeling extra patient and the lady in front of me in line at the grocers perused my items and then asked if I was having a party. I had some produce, a bottle of red wine, some shrimp, some meat. I responded "no...just making irish beef stew and since my husband loves shrimp and it was on special..." odd convo but I felt good that I was nice to her. She didn't seem odd, just strangely interested in my selections for some reason.
Anyway, love the Sally analogy. I always liked the character and felt bad for her even though I knew they were just stereotyping. Still love that show.
This story really made my day. And the Adams family, living in Olympia it's not unusual to see the dreadlock wearing-hippy family dressed in stinky rags, wife with hairy armpits and pungent BO buying tofu at the grocery store. Not poor, just self proclaimed free spirits. When I see those people I run the other way. Nothing offends me more than BO.
The Adams family can't be mistaken for anyone else. Everyone knows and avoids them. They smell so bad if you get stuck in line behind them, you actually have to leave and go puke. The stores keep lysol by the register for them. It's just foul. I think Mary's hair moves.
lia, you should tell your mom to shop online. What a buncha..lol.
AND she never wears a bra, 'specially in Summer and she has these tits that literally hang to her knees. Okay, I just made myself sick again.
Pat--This was PRICELESS! You handled that so well and just made my whole day by sharing it with us. You are such an amazing writer....and funny too!
Oh gezz the adams family sounds like they need some good tlc. I think every area has someone that they see or know that has some personal hygiene problems. I cant even be around foul smelling things. I will get sick in a heart beat. My mil has this bathroom rug I swear smells like crap, pee, bo etc and she wont get rid of it. I hate it my daughter has rubbed on it made me sick. Plus the two kittens nurce on the freakin thing.. sick..
LOL DD great story about your new friend. She probably has been asking around about you. Maybe you will run into her soon.
I always kinda thot Sally palyed for both teams, just sayin'. What was her little wormy boyfriends name? Sheldon or something? Probably from Sheldon Leonard the exec producer of the DVDS. I think Sally was a pretty tough guy.
Pat..you are so funny. You are just so funny. LOL
Good story.
rox
bella...maybe that lady wanted to marry you?
Herman! Thats it! He was a worm and a doormat. Sally didnt really like him. She could smack him around. Thats not fun when all you want is a man to "take you"...Sally wanted Rob but kept that secret to herself, then she wanted Laura. Bitch couldn't decide.
rox
"The lady then asked "And what is your husband's name? " She said it just like that, what is..? I said, I don't have one. She said, oh, my dear, I'm sorry. And she patted me on the shoulder."
Yeah, I get that from Pakistani strangers too. And sometimes even people I know because they feel so sorry for me. Urgh, seriously...
"Don't have a husband? Good for you! Congratulations!" THAT would be my response! Not pity. I pity the married fools, like me. Ahh, had I only looked into my future. I would NEVER get married.
Be proud of it and be proud you got rid of the dumb fucks that used to be lucky enough to be married to you!!
rox
@ rox - Nicely put!
Post a Comment