Some random thoughts...I've been reading the Quran..I know there's a ' in there..I don't give two craps. I read most of it, okay? Fuck off, you know you haven't. I'm not a quitter. But, it's fuck awful boring and reads like the Bible, which I call the Babble...because, you know you read parts of it and go, blah de, begot, begat mother fucking begat, begot..whatever. There's some wisdom, like that one part that says "Never let your own hand be the source of your own destruction." Shit like that can be deep. So, I go look up more to see what Muslim scholars have to say about that and it was a bunch of no smoking ads in Arabic. Are you kidding me? Wisdom. But, there's also wisdom from Mad Magazine. Never underestimate Alfred E. Newman. Anyhow the main thing that stuck out for me is the the Quran doesn't treat Jesus as the son of god. He's just a prophet and not a very important one. Well, I don't think he was the son of god either, so I thought, holy crap, I might be a Muslim...or a Jew. No, concentrate, Pat. Con...cen..trate.*
On the off chance that I was onto something and confused by my holy teachings, I asked Allah to make me stop smoking so my own hand did not aid my destruction. I wasn't bartering either..I wasn't like saying, if you do, I will be Muslim. I figure Allah is too smart for that shit. I was like, do it..I accept. Then I sucked a Tootsie Pop. Cherry. I got to the chocolate center and lit up a Marlboro. But, it was a silver pack. Silver packs are ultra lights, but, they can't call them that anymore because non smokers whined, it's not gooood for yeeeeeew. Wah. You know the drill. In other words, the same shit happened as when I offered to sit and let god come into me for a Christian friend. I was like, how long do I have to sit here? I'm getting cramps and I'm fuck all bored.
*
So now I've read enough. I just don't give one dog turd. I like petting my dog and I don't like the name Mohammed and I don't care which hand anyone wipes their ass with. As long as you wash it. Allah joins a long list of deities I give not one fuck about. God, Jesus, Allah, Yawali, Buddah, Hecate, Zeus, Osiris, Izangi, blah be de, blow me. I am still a godless heathen...I might be proud of it. I might just be.
*
Sooooo, bored with the enlightening crap I looked through some books that came into the shop and I was bitching to my friend. Like, why do you even take this shit? No one is going to read this cocksucking shit, like "How I found Jesus In A Bagel" or "Glen Miller Leads My Acapella Prayer" (a Midwestern music lover's guide to spirituality.) "Chicken Soup For My Zitty Teenager's Facebooking Twittering Soul." Shut the fuck up. And she said she could donate them to the needy and I said, who's mother fucking needy enough to read this horse's ass licking shit?? Why don't you throw this gawd awful stupid cocksucking shit in a bonfire and get some mother fucking hot dogs and..wait... Life Is Just A Bowl Of Cherries, by Erma Bombeck! Oh, man, I haven't read that in 400 years. I tucked it under my arm and shut my mouth. People should just be half decent and not kill each other. How fucking hard is that to understand?
20 comments:
love erma bombeck!
RIP Erma. She spoke for a shit load of us.
indeed!! i hope her and george carlin are hanging out!!!
Are you going to have to also go into a kind of witness protection program like that cartoonist that became a primary target of that extremeist? You just posted that. Anyways, Erma used to have a bit on Good Morning America. I remember she once showed how she drives in Phoenix. With oven mitts on!! Cuz when you 1st get in your car, you can't even tough the steering wheel. So, she's driving around Phoenix telling her stories and all the while wearing those damn hilarious oven mitts! I loved her so much after that & was so sad when she passed away. She was such a smart lady.
xo
Rox
I'm not important enough on the net to be offered witness protection. I got offered it once when I was into drugs and I asked "How about I just don't tell you jack shit ever and I won't need witness protection? How about that, ossifer?" There's a mother fucking plan that worked. Anyhow, that's a diff post.
I'll betch George Carlin and Erma Bombeck hang out sometimes.
Pat you made my day..... it was friggin boring at work and I logged on to DD and I'm laughing now... thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Hey Nads, long time no see. Hope you're well.
Tortière & Poutine & Quran with a '
I google something when I'm not sure and then copy and paste. Like tortière and résumé. That's still more effort than some things are worth. Poutine is worth it. But then, isn't all food? I know from talking to several friends, one of whom was Baha'i (googled, copied & pasted), that a lot of religions view JC as just another in a line of holy men or prophets. I'd like Baha'i if it wasn't a religion and if their prophet didn't freak the shit out of me. (googled his name, but didn't bother copying and pasting).
I loved Erma Bombeck. She was the bees knees.
I know where the ' goes. It's just disrespectful of my boredom in the whole subject to type it. I'd have to look at the keyboard and eh, fuck.
Just got home, now I'm catching up. My apologies to any believers reading this .... That Was Too Damn Funny! Pat - glad you read that book with an ' , now I don't have to waste my time.
Have to share this email my heathen kid sent me earlier this week.
"a quote by someone on their fb today:
"Praise be to Jesus for his protection daily! My baby almost just drowned in a small garbage can full of rain water, she leaned in too far and couldnt get back out, me and Cyndi were just a copple of feet away talking, thank God we heard a little muffled scream and jumped up to see her struggling, head and neck in the water!! Wow I just hugged her and thanked God for keeping her safe! That will shake you up!!! Fewwww"
Kid's comment: um sounds like jesus was letting her drown, but you happened to notice and save her. if jesus were really looking out for her, wouldn't he have prevented her from sticking her head in a can of water in the first place?"
AND:
"apparently, the bible has a faceboook page. i only know because i see that julie z. just "liked" it....along with her "liking" george w. bush."
God I love and miss ERMA! Thanks for reminding me of her. Pat, you are so funny and such a talented writer. Are you published anywhere?
Yes, I am published on Dirty Disher and The Last Word. I have 11 fans. I am one bad mofo.
Dearest Goddess Heathen,
You ROCK!! Hey Miss Tia, I also adore Erma Bombeck's books. Rox, isn't that amazing about that artist?
OT - Pat did you really jump (parachute?) from 2300 ft?? Or am I just a stupid gulliable fool???
If Mankind only realized that the same powers he give to deity's are within YOU
You are the DEITY
how are you reading this? via the internet across time and space do you have a car that takes you to far off places? ever flown in a airplane?
mind blowing isn't it?
Read Erma's "The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank". It is too funny!!!
I work in a hospital in a southern state. This semester there are throngs of student Chaplains. Every chart I read has, "Spiritual Support provided or offered," written in the Progress Note section of the patient's chart. You can still see the range of human emotion on the student's faces, but the veteran Chaplain's have a countenance that doesn't seem to connect to anything...they wear one expression...maybe they pass them out at Chaplain Graduation...it's an eerie waxy face, devoid of insight or connectedness...and the hint of a smile. Is that FAITH? To borrow DD's phrase, it scares the "bejeebus" out of me. I feel like I'm walking the halls with Death Eaters, a la Harry Potter.
I was admitted to this same hospital last month and the registrar was taking down my info. In an opiate haze, I tried to explain that I wasn't non-denominational, which is what she tried to label me when I hesistated in my reply. I said I'm not Christian. I didn't really know what else to say and it became very important to NOT have someone come into my room to offer to pray with me. After some back and forth, she said, "How about I just put Jewish?" I agreed because at least no one would be proselytizing to me.
My great Aunt was Jewish and her Rabbi was all class at her funeral and shared our dry sense of humor.
I have a surgery ahead and I need clever verbiage to describe that I don't follow organized religions and just try to live as a decent human being...how does, "No spiritual guidance required," sound? I bet that isn't an option in the drop down menu on religious status in any hospital computer. It would be more uncomfortable to have someone come pray for me while helpless after recovery than the surgery itself.
**I don't think all Chaplains are worthless. I'm an Army Brat and met extraordinary Chaplains while living abroad. I just don't like that all the Chaplains in this hospital are Christian-Only.**
Sprite
Last time someone prayed over me, it was my brilliant former Muslim turned Christian surgeon who was praying over a Pagan. I hit the morpheine button. I don't even like that drug. It was just easier.
Sprite, how about unknown? Usually that is an acceptable answer for most computerized information in a hospital.
You could also have them put "Requests no spiritual advisers visit" on your chart, and make sure that your nurse knows.
In the past, we have had a designated chaplain from one of the local churches, assigned as our chaplain of the month. I think they rotated. Since our hospital has become part of a Catholic hospital chain, we have an in-house spiritual guide. She is very unobtrusive, and just visits people, if they want to be seen.
It is amazing how upset staff members have been about this, though. There have been nurses who have been so angry, saying that their faith is strong, and they would be very offended if she came into THEIR room. Honestly. . . if their faith is so strong, why are they worried about having her come into their room? She doesn't attempt to pray over anyone. She does offer a nondenominational blessing/prayer card for the newborn, but it is so vaguely worded, that you would have to work at being offended. I wouldn't be offended if someone of another faith came into my room (if I were a patient) as a spiritual adviser. My faith is strong enough that I don't worry about it. Their presence doesn't change or threaten my beliefs.
12:34:00 AM..STOP! You're blowing my mind.
I heart Erma Bombeck also.
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