I took two sleeping pills last night, but, they didn't work. Sometimes they just don't work. So, I turned on the tv and sat mindless and learned what other true insoms know. A lot of losers do yoga at 4 am. You wonder what the point is? At 4 am it's all about improving your body and building your abs. Or cleaning your house with vacuums that never lose suction or chopping veggies with chef master tools. I lost count of how many machines there are to chop salad ingredients. I don't think I can count that high.*
QVC had Joan Rivers on with her quality line of jewelry. I substituted the words to Ladies Who Lunch with my own lyrics. Ladies With Junk. A regular Elaine Stritch, this one. At 4 am. Joan convinces women who can't sleep that everyone needs and deserves that "Palm Beach" look and that she and she alone knows class and quality. In plastic. I happen to like plastic. I like the old plastic and Bakelite and anything see through and colored. I like the Dollar Store. But, Joan isn't about that. Oh, no. Joan calls her plastic "if it were"..you know, if it were Emerald or Amber. Those are actual colors. If it were. And her "if it were Ruby" and "if it were Ivory" is almost a hundred bucks. It's still plastic. But, from the call ins, or "testimonials" it's clear that at 4 am when you are exhausted and Ambian and Lunesta are not your friends and you have a credit card, "if it were Onyx" is no longer plastic. And Joan is your buddy. Your Palm Beach buddy who lets you in on what to wear.
*
Sometimes the facade slips, like when one caller said that wearing the Joan Rivers line, she feels like Liza Minnelli! Liza with a Z. And Joan quipped, "I hope your mom's not a druggie." The regular host tries to cover and launches into the gold plating and quality speech. And for once, Joan shuts up. I change the channel to a vintage Celebrity Bowling. The Brady Bunch is bowling and everyone has a camel toe. Even Greg Brady..who, by the way, was a good looking guy. Guys who had naturally curly hair in the seventies were screwed though. White people can not play off the afro. They just can't. I try to think of a name for the male camel toe, but, I can't come up with one.
*
I wish I could phone Joan Rivers, but, I don't have a Master Card. If I did, I would say, Judy Garland was a star. A real star. I've watched everything Judy Garland ever did with awe and admiration. And I see you, Joan Rivers. Peddling your plastic. You fucked up at 4 am and you owe the world an apology. Instead you charge them a hundred bucks for "if it were Amber." I'd be embarassed if I were you.
38 comments:
So weird that you posted about Joan Rivers today...I just watched a documentary about her life on Showtime yesterday, and she really has had an amazing life (i never knew!) She was on tv in the late 60s doing bits about abortion, and other things that women werent aloud to even mention, let alone on tv, she kind of broke ground in a way and alot of women in comedy today credit her. I think it must have taken alot of guts back then to say some of the things she was, and then there was the feud with Johnny Carson...if you stumble apon this documentary, you should watch......snowbunnie
joan is just embarrassing and scary to look at now....she's become everything she use to make fun of in her comedy routines....
and it's rather sad she turned to plastic surgery to deal with her husband's suicide....she was doing some plastic surgery before his suicide, but she really started going overboard after his death....
i haven't slept well the past few nights, but that was due to the full moon....
BTW, isn't it hilarious that Paltrow flashed her puss and no one cared? It took D-listed two days to become bored enough to even blog about it.
i'm sure she'll write a GOOP entry all about that and how a proper lady should exit a vehicle....
LOL, I can't wait for that one.
I too love anything "see through and colored." I'm just a huge fool for it. I love old jewelry. Never wear it but love it when I see it.
It's also weird that you posted about Judy Garland today. I am in a group of frineds that boght season tickets to the symphony - really the "pops" and tonight is the Judy Garland show. I am hosting 8 people for a "Judy Garland" theme dinner and I could not me more glad that she liked vodka because having 8 people over for a full on pre-concert dinner is gonna take some vodka. She was also reported to like red velvet cupcakes so I just got back from the cupcake bakery here with a dozen. Main course is corned beef and cabbage straight from the movie "Meet Me in St. Louis". I read that Judy loved steak and kidney pie but I can't bring myself to eat internal organs...no matter how much vodka might be involved.
At any rate...Judy was a STAR and a LEGEND. I have compiled a CD of all Judy Garland songs to give as gifts to my guests tonight - hearing her sing is a piece of heaven.
That post from anon 4:00 was very Jarheadesque, n'est ce pas?
Joan rivers looks like an approximation of a human female. Like some alien's facsimile.
When did there start being 50 different varieties of Mac & Cheese? Why should I have to stand there for six hours looking for normal Mac & Cheese and get sick of it and finally just grab a box and when I get it home I realize it's fucking Toy Story Mac & Cheese which is a rip-off because the toy story macaronis are bigger than regular macaronis so you're actually getting fewer pieces of macaroni per cubic centimeter than normal. Fuck capitalists.
it puts the laptop in the basket
That photo! :::shudder::: Someone forgot to put the pennies on her eyes and sew that yap shut. Lord!
snowbunnie, I loved that documentary on Joan. It's called "A Piece of Work". She is amazing! Didn't you just love the part where she ripped that heckler a new one? It's also on Netflix streaming video--free if you have the box for "watch it now" videos, or I suppose you could watch it on the computer as well?
Anyway, I just thought after watching she seemed so vulnerable. I really feel differently about her now. She seems so much more human to me.
Top this..on the way home from work, I grabbed a used book. It was Barry Williams book and he had signed it..To Pat, love Barry Williams. I just don't know how to top that.
that's awesome!!!
@ Sally,
Yes, I saw her in a whole new way. She seems to really care about the people who work for her, and she did seem very vulnerable, like she didn't see herself as good enough. I almost changed the channel when I came across this, but her story sucked me in.
snowbunnie
When the pasta is bigger than it should be the cheese sauce:pasta ratio is all off and it's all starch and no flavour. Life is short. Stop screwing with the pasta.
Most of my time at groceries stores now is me standing in front of the object of my desire trying to figure out which of the literal 57 varieties is the one I wanted. That applies to mustard, fabric softener sheets, shampoo, band aids, orange juice, chicken (seriously, skin on bone out, skin and bone free, skin off bone in...wtf?) Oh, but triscuit only comes in one flavour here. Sundried tomato & rosemary or something. No original.
I always thought Joan Rivers had a biting humour that made me laugh sometimes. Now I can't get past her face. (I threw that in so as not to hijack the thread quite as badly)
i used to watch Joan on Johnny all the time. She, Don Rickles, Michael landon & Bill Cosby were always regular guests. I remember she said once that she likes those round tables that have long table cloths on them, to the floor. Because she can hide stacks of magazines under them. To me, that was just a really normal thing to do. Who wouldnt do that? the woman has no shame. I have always liked her but like Kenny Rogers, maybe not THAT bad, she has ef'd her face. I may even watch her & Melissas reality show. It aint gonna be anything real about it tho. LOL!
She would always use the mic stand and a stool in her stand up act. She just did what the men did in Vegas. She was a pioneer. I dont hate Joan.
rox
George Goebel too. Very funny group of guys. I miss that Tonight Show. Nobody ever did it better than Johnny.
George Goebel was funny!
I've only seen Joan on that "Fashion Police" show she does weekly now. I like the idea of a fashion police show, but the people they pick as judges suck. Kelly Osbourne?? What does she know about fashion??? Huh.
I think sometimes Joan is funny and I think it must be fun to feel like you can say whatever you want and not worry about being PC. But sometimes I think she's just mean and crosses the line from funny into rude and bitter. It depends. I'll always kind of hate her for her crack abut how Leo di Caprio would have fit in the lifeboat in the movie "Titanic" if Kate Winslet hadn't been so fat and taken up all the room. Ugh.
Hey Tia!!! No way are you old enough to remember all those old timers on Johnny. No way! They were great. Michael Landon had great stories, and his laughter was a crack up. Johnny had a way to get people to tell the best stories. Gawd, nobody knows how to do that anymore. TV sucks so bad now, and its ironic because theres so much more tv to watch. But too many chiefs, not enough indians makes a bad stew or a hot kitchen. Or something like that. haha
i tried to find Nelly Boy on FB. It was a no-go. wonder what ever happened to him?
She is truly a "desperate for attention" piece of work. I don't think she feels anything when she's not in front of an audience. I find her a sad and still unfulfilled human being.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpPCFoXXhF0
Back from when I remember her.
Instead of pills, try hanging yourself. That would do the trick. No longer necessary to torment yourself with Joan Rivers, etc.
Frimmy, LMAO! Hey actually red velvet sounds awesome.
Hey anon, why don't YOU try hanging yourself?
I love Joan Rivers. I do. She's hilarious and says the mean things I'm thinking.
I got hooked on QVC because of her presentations with Kathy LeVINe (prounciation guide.
Never change, Joan, never change.
hey anon ass wipe...i dont believe anybody that posted a comment here is bothered by Joan. Not even. So, no need to hang ourselves. But feel free to do so...since you are the one that came up with the idea!! Go fer it. We wouldnt want to steal your idea. Besides we have too much fun here. Keep the comedy coming. Maybe you can do stand up in prison someday?
rox
Hi Frimmy!
I still sign my name when I post. i don't care for Red Velvet cake or anything with coconut or liquor sauce on it (even au poivre)- I like raw food a lot and eat plenty of Humus and veg. Once-in-a-while I'll shoot a few Quail and deep fry or grill them with Mesquite rub and Jalapenos.
Judy Garland I never got into, but Claudia Cardinale I thought was hot. And I had a teacher that looked just like Patricia Neal in Hud. Now she looks like Barbara Bush!; C'est la vie Frimmy.
Pat, Good question about what you'd call a male camel toe other than tacky and uncomfortable.
Jarhead
male camel toe = moose knuckle
anon 4:00; are you a girl or a dude? Cuz thats kinda huge if you are a dude. Like wow, huge. ya know? j/w
rox
and to Jar: regardless of your red velvet/quail comment. Same question. Cuz I am perplexed.
rox
esque - in the style of.
Didn't say you wrote it. I could say for example, Jarhead, that the post you did sign was very Anon4:00esque because your post and their post were of very similar styles, just substitute a few names and food preferences and they're interchangeable.
Rox...the answer to your question is gay male.
The Judy concert was really very good and dinner (thankfully) came off without a hitch.
Rox...the answer to your question is gay male.
The Judy concert was really very good and dinner (thankfully) came off without a hitch.
In the Marines we would sing Judy Garland tunes in the shower.
Moose Knuckle = Camel Toe
My cake lady makes a delicious red velvet cake...
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