Gwyneth Paltrow's original one of a kind Super Pretentious Pasta recipe

Here's how...
1. Have your assistant's assistant boil some pasta. Bitch because the peasant bought regular spaghetti and not the fancy ones shaped like your cunt. Decide to humble yourself and use the shit anyway because, really, you have more important things to do. Remember, you are better than everyone else and perhaps regular peasant pasta will endear you to your lesser readers. Who ever those dirt bags are. Who knows what poor people think? Poor people are icky.

2. Put peasant pasta in an asymmetrical ceramic bowl. Bitch because the bowl isn't asymmetrical enough. Dumb poor people will just think it's poorly constructed. Poor people don't get classy aesthetics. Counter by getting on the phone and buying the entire ceramic company. Name it Goop Ceramics and pay little Asian kids 2 cents an hour, 16 hours a day to crank out the Gwyneth line. Tell the world you made it all by hand, alone.

3. Have your regular prop assistant search the fridge for that box of shriveled up tomatoes you bought for the last photo shoot. The mold will add attractive color. (You are a color expert. Also, you spell it colour, because that's European which is classy. Your good personal friend Madonna told you that.) Throw the stank tomatoes on top of the peasant pasta.

4. Dress in the $15,000 dollar tank top your good personal friend Stella McCartney made just for you and hold the asymmetrical Goop Ceramic bowl in front of you. Admire the way the special stoneware glaze formula matches your teeth. Be glad you requested that.

5. Have your hair stylist pin your best human hair extensions in. At $6 grand a strand, they'd better be perfect or that bitch will never work in this town again.

6. Fake a satisfied smile, but, be sure to add that 'naughty treat' look on your face. You've been perfecting this in the mirror for years. Ever since you woke up alone that one day and made a lettuce salad and opened a bottle of imported water all by yourself and decided you were the world's most creative chef. Remember? That was the day you fired your entire staff. Those peasant cunts.

7. Pose in your good personal friend Mario Batalli's kitchen so you won't mess yours up. Your 7 million dollar kitchen has never been used and you don't want to fuck it up now.

8. Snap the photo. Have your assistant cut the photographer a check for $50 grand because he IS an artist. Pronounce it ar-teeste. Realize he's not an ar-teeste like you are. That would be too funny. Ha ha. But, what ever. He's good at photo shop.

9. Order the peasants to clean the mess up and go to Italy because you feel like pizza. Mention that your good personal friend Beyonce likes pizza too.

10. Have your husband photographed in China eating pizza. Because it's not good for your relationship to be seen together in Italy. Who knows more about media and mystery than you? (That's what I thought. No one.)
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There you have it. Paltrow Pasta. It's simple once you get the hang of it.