Eat some grub today

I'll eat some turkey today. I ate it yesterday. As any of you who read her regularly know, my mother forces Thanksgiving on me even when I throw fits and tell her I fucking hate it. I can not fight the good fight anymore. I am tired. She will out live me, I think. Still, it is my most hated, no, despised holiday. Worse that the birthday of her jesus. It's a stupid day for people like me since I eat little and hate family gatherings. Every year she does this shit. I could easily do it for her, but, I just hate it all so much I can't stand the thought of any of it. I guess because it's traditionally a day where you have to go and sit around and visit with total idiots because some moron cocksucker back up the family tree screwed some other moron and eventually YOU were the result. It makes no sense to me. I haven't hated my mother all month though. She is either on exceptionally good behavior (thin ice) or she's gone completely senile and forgotten she is the all mighty monarchy. Either way, I've had some peace. So, it won't kill me to share a dinner with her. I'll take little and eat fast. Always watching my own back. You can bet on that.

She cooked the turkey yesterday. I thought she had a brain fart and then I realized her plan. Yesterday the turkey, today re-heated turkey with stuffing and pie. Tomorrow she will declare that she really should have made mashed potatoes and gravy, but, she's too old and feeble to do all that at once (save the guilt trip..I no longer book passage on that old boat) and she will add that to the leftovers to try and get me over there again. Too late, old lady, I already have my own potatoes in the fridge because you pulled that trick last year. Also, I am not a starving emaciated child anymore. I can live on cheese, crackers and fruit. Throw in a pack of Marlboros and a pot of coffee and I am one happy peasant. The queen holds no favors she can bribe me with. She just doesn't understand that now.

Yesterday, Lissa's mother came and took her home. She hadn't seen her mother in a week or more. She may bring her back today. I hugged her and told her to take care of herself. It was a meaningful message and she got it. She's a smart girl. She knows who to call if she can't take care of things herself. She told me she'd be back soon. She said, don't worry, grandma, if no one brings me back soon I will make their life a living hell.  I told you she was smart. I hope she gets pumpkin pie today. It's her favorite and as close to real food as anyone will get her to eat. She can't make it herself yet. Which is a shame. We'll have to work on that.

You have a good day and eat well. May all you insecurities not surface, all the relative deceptions pack no sting and may the guilt trips be short. Remember what you are thankful for...getting the hell out and going home where you can lock the damn door. Hopefully with a big plate of leftovers. Happy Thanksgiving.

HOW TO COOK A TURKY...
Get up early
put bird in oven for a long long time
no, longer than that
nope, still more
drink
drink some more
take turkey out
eat it while drunk