Critter problems

Gawd. I love critters, but, because of that, every Summer I have problems with them. If I hated them, I could just go get the gun and shoot them. That isn't an option. There's a snake in the house again. I just saw it. It's a Garter snake about a foot long. It slithered in under the door. The gd space under there is only about a quarter of an inch, but, I watched it come in. At first it doesn't register what the hell you're seeing because it seems impossible that a foot long snake could actually get through that tiny space. But, it did, with no problem. It flattened itself right out like liquid. I also have a screen but it's one of those hanging ones. It's plenty long. How it got under that is another reptilian mystery. I jumped up to grab the critter, but, he was too fast. Now he's behind the desk and so is everything else I need to store somewhere. There is no storage in this house and every wall space is taken up by stacked crap. Plastic tubs of art supplies, sewing basket, books and all the other crap you need, but, don't really need, are stacked under every table and shelf. I'd have to pull out a semi full of shit to find him. Sigh. I moved a small footstool under the desk and put my feet up so he won't crawl up my leg and freak me out.  Past experience tells me to be patient for a couple of days and then I can lure him out with a dish of water in the middle of the kitchen floor. Niki will go on point when he spots him and then I can take the little fucker back to the garden where he belongs. I don't mind them, but, I hate getting startled by them in my own house. He probably won't go back out the way he came in, they never do. There is no other way out because I sealed every other miniscule crack with foam insulation when I got new sub-flooring last year. I even tacked a rubber strip on the bottom of the damn door, but, he pushed through it like it was a doggie door. Gowddamn it, it's so irritating. Better a snake than a bug though. I use insect pellets by the door (they work). Bugs freak me the fuck out. If it had been a cricket or a grasshopper, I'd go sleep in my car. I'm not even joking. I fucking hate bugs. Snakes eat bugs, which makes them an elevated species, if you ask me. I doubt he'll find much to eat, he's bound to get thirsty though.

Also there's the coon problem that I mentioned yesterday. That's a baby in that cruddy pic. A fat baby ass anyway. (Notice how they have a bucket of water next to their entrance hole?) One big mama and triplets moved under mom's house. They can get into the basement from there and it sounds like a construction crew. I'm pretty sure they can get up into the walls too. I told her we can't live trap them and relocate them because they have to be kept together or the young ones won't make it. They're still too stupid. I ony have one trap. Taking them to the country is cruel anyway because we've been feeding them all for years. They are, in effect, no longer wild animals. They are well fed, almost pets. They belong here. Mom thought they were all adults, but, I got within three feet of them and saw how young the babies are. Besides, if they weren't siblings, they wouldn't be shacking up together at this time of year. I figure the mom will go hunting when the sun starts to set. She has plenty of food here, but, they crave protein when they have still nursing young. Once she leaves, the babies will come out to eat on the porch and I can sneak around and block their hole. They can move to one of the sheds. But, I told her not to feed them today, so the timing will be right. So, what did she do? I just caught her feeding them on the porch. Fat little greedy turds. She said, 'But, they're hungry! They're used to breakfast!' I know, it's sort of sweet how she treats animals (as opposed to people), but, honestly. How am I supposed to trick them when they aren't food motivated? They're only about five months old and as big as Cocker Spaniels because she feeds them so much. I swear to crap, this place is Grey Gardens and I feel like Little Edie. We have the decaying house, the Trumpet Vines, the Raccoons and the cats. Good grief, when I start sitting around singing show tunes and eating ice cream with the old lady, I demand that one of you come and shoot me. I look like shit in a turban.

Back off or the cat gets it!