Ke$ha

I spent my day with my granddaughter. She was supposed to have school, but, I said fuck it. Yeah, that's right. I flat out let her blow off school and it was MY idea. Let me explain. It was -20 below last night. I had the water running and the heat on high, but, it was still cold. It was just hell freezing over Iowa cold. It was too cold for school to start on time. I guess they had water pipe problems. Dur. Anyway, the kid's mom, who I am not even going to go into explaining here, shoved all the kids in the car when the bus didn't show up, drove them hell bent to town and dropped them at school. WTF? I will freely admit that sometimes when we have changed school times, I don't know because they don't update their GD shitty website and if you don't hear it on the local shit radio channel at just the right time..how the fuck are you supposed to know? BUT, when I don't see cars in the parking lot, the crossing guard or the buses, hey, that's a clue, right? Then you call the school and see if anyone's there who will tell you what the fuck is going on, oh, and you also go to McDonald's for a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit while you figure it out. It always works out.

Not Lissa's mom. Here's school, get out! She drives off and leaves this pack of kids (her kid and her boyfriend's kids) and heads to work. I am just blown away. See? I am NOT a paranoid old fart. Shit actually happens! Well, it was really lucky the school secretary was in there and she unlocked the door and let them in. It was still -5 below out. That's damn cold. Okay, there is no use in going off on her mom, it won't change things. She was in a hurry, not thinking straight, not a morning person, and common sense has never been her middle name. Let it go. The secretary called the boy's grandmother and then me for Lis. She knows better than to call anyone else. Grandma Pat is ALWAYS the one to call. I will get her come hell or high water. Well, it was hell and frozen water outside. My mom put on her coat and came out to give me her goofy two cents. "You can't get out. The drive and road's not plowed! You can't get out!" Oh, the hell I can't. I can gun that fucker through a Siberian drift, spin around three times and be on my way. It's like a little snow plow the way I drive. Fuck you if you get in my way. But, no one else in their right mind was out anyway. So, I bundle up and bring kid hat and mittens, because I know damn well she doesn't have any on. I turned the key and got..click, click, click. Oh, motherfucker. It always starts, but, for the first time..it didn't. I guess -20 below or more is just too much. I called the garage, but, they said half the town was dead and I had to be put on a waiting list.

Geez. I was a little panicked. It's only about six blocks to the school, but, it was way too cold to walk it. WAY to cold. 'Specially if you aren't dressed right. At this point the secretary said she thought school would start around 10 am but, maybe not. It might start after lunch. WTF with these people? Poor kid is sitting in the office. I called the one taxi in town and asked the old lady who drives it if she could get out? She said she wasn't sure, but, her street had been plowed and she'd give it a go. I know her pretty well. Well, she did. I told her not to come down my street, it was too drifted, to let Lis out on the corner and I'd meet her. But, she's like me..fearless and she plowed right down to the house and there was Lis, just like I thought, wearing a light coat, no hat, no gloves, no scarf, no boots. Goddammit. I gave the taxi lady a tip and thanked her and she actually offered to come back and get her when school started and pick her up after for no charge. I told her she was too sweet, but, fuck it, the kid can skip school. She said she didn't blame me.

I called the school and said, Lissa isn't going to be there today. Secretary asks, oh, isn't she feeling well? I said, she feels fine, it's farking cold as Siberia, my car is dead as hell, I'm on a waiting list for a charge and no one has plowed my street. It looks like the North Pole here. She's staying home. Silence. Then finally..uhh, oh, okay then, thanks for calling. You betcha...weird school person.

I gave Lis the news that she wasn't going anywhere and we were going to stay home, eat tater tots and corn dogs and have fun. She danced around the room. We spent the day doing crafts, watching old musicals and then having 'music appreciation' lessons. That's what I call it. We listen to videos and trade. Like, okay, I'll listen to your new favorite singer Ke$ha, Crazy Kid, but, you have to listen to Jefferson Airplane, White Rabbit. Deal? Oh, sure, sounds fair. I'll listen to What Does The Fox Say (again, sigh), but, you have to listen to Eric Clapton's Layla.

We did that for hours while we were 'crafting' and I think we both learned something. I always said nothing would ever make me type that stupid dollar sign in Ke$ha's dumb name again, but, damn. Timber is a cute song. I don't know what the fuck you call that style of music, it's like rap hootenany fiddle playing ass shaking I don't know what the fuck. But, it's catchy. So is Crazy Kid. Lis knows all the words and belts it out. It's funny as hell to hear her sing it. It's even funnier to hear her sing White Rabbit, which she decided was cool.

Her mom finally came and picked her up after supper. I shoved a hat and gloves on her and zipped her coat. Damn kids. I mean her mom, not her. Damn kids. Anyway, pain in my ass, but, no harm, no foul. One good boring day. Snow, snow, snow and NO school. Who needs it? And I now like Ke$ha. Who'd a thunk it? She still needs to lose that dollar sign though. I let Lis's mom know she has to figure tomorrow out though, the car is still dead and I'm still on the wait list. Which doesn't bother me a bit, but, it sure is a pain in the behind when you have a kid. And a stupid backwoods school. And people who don't think kid's need hats and gloves when it's below zero. Jezuschripes.