I
feel it was in extremely poor taste. Am I wrong? I know I'll see the
"photographer" again at future funerals. -- BAFFLED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR
BAFFLED: In some cultures it is not offensive to take photos of people
in their coffins; it is accepted, and relatives cherish these last
mementos of their loved one. If you follow that logic, then it's
understandable that having a photo of the deceased with the people who
cared for him or her at the end would not only not be in poor
taste, but would be desirable. I don't advise challenging the
photographer unless you're sure everyone else feels as you do.
Me: I'd keep my mouth shut unless it was someone I knew shouldn't be taking the photos. You take your clue from the closest relative and how they act. For all we know, they might have asked for photos, but, weren't able to take them themselves. I know I took photos of my son in his casket. (No one else could.) I felt like I documented his whole life and I owed it to him to document the end. To tell the truth, he didn't look that good. It had taken the coroner so long to find the cause of death, that he looked pale and sick in his coffin. I photo shopped those pics to make him look more like he really did and destroyed the originals. I have shown them to no one, but, someday, maybe, his daughter might ask and his whole life is in albums for her to go through. Even the end. I think it's what he would have wanted, or I wouldn't have done it. I don't know, but, I was there when he was born and I was there when he left, it seemed natural to me to do it the way I did. Even now, when the shock has passed, when I think about it, I think I was right. His daughter is starting to ask all sorts of questions, to all the relatives, about him now.
What do you think? Have you ever photographed the dead?
30 comments:
I think whatever you need to do to get through your grief is the right thing to do. When my dad died, I didn't want to see his body at all, I was afraid that's all I'd remember. I wouldn't have begrudged anyone for taking pictures though, if that's what they needed to do. Grief is a motherfucker, it sometimes takes all of your energy just to survive it.
That's actually still common, mostly in the south for families to pose with dead loved ones- I had a boyfriend in high school who had a shoe box full of family death photos. There are some pretty cool websites with tons of death photo pictures. I don't know if I would want to remember my dead mother that way though, she looked pretty aweful when she died. But your son? That's your baby, your heart, and totally your call.
Shelly
When my brother passed, I thought about it for a fast minute and then decided against it. I can still see him in that coffin in my mind, Im sure all my family can, and that's enough. My best friend is Filipino-American, she was born here but her parents are from the old country. When her father passed, there was a very long wait (to me) for the services and burial. The family waits for whoever can make it over from the islands. It was at least 10 days. The services and burial were all photographed and videotaped and sent back home for viewing by those who couldn't make the trip. According to my friend, this is all very common in the Filipino culture.
Yes I have. My father. From a distance though. My son was in boot camp, and missed the whole illness, death and funeral. I took them for him.
Briezy, I didn't want to see my son either, but, I had to. I had to see him out, so to speak. It was a responsibility I had to him. It was awful, but, even in my worst hour or grief, when I touched his hand, I knew. I knew he wasn't there. All that remained was the shell, where he used to be. Some ppl say the felt him at the funeral and I don't doubt them as his friends threw a hellish kegger right in the mortuary. But, my contact with him was later, at home. Or maybe the funeral was just too much for me. I hated it, again though, I felt a duty to be there.
Shelly, yep. I thought so, that's why I didn't want cameras at the viewing. He was creamated at the funeral, so yeah. Anything went at that crazy thing. They had jello shots, kegs, music, slide shows on and on. I was medicated, dry eyed, well behaved and just looking at it all. It went on all night long. It was huge and crazy. I'd never been to one like that. I'd had nothing to do with it. I kinna got railroaded, but, that's okay. I can be assertive when I need to be, but, I wasn't sure at that time how far I could or should go. You can't gage your own emotional level when it's your child.
Connie, 10 days is a long time. Geesh. They don't look right after a day or two. They just don't. Glad to know this is tradition in some places. It didn't feel at all weird to be doing it. After I did it, I said, 'There, Eric, I got it all.' Mom gotcha back.
Tricia, yeah, that's a good reason. Your son probably felt awful that he couldn't be there to see your dad off. Funerals are for the living, that's the truth.
PS, I also talked the cops into letting me past the police tape to see Eric in his death pose. I had to. I had to know. I owed it to Eric to know and see everything I could about it. I know how odd that sounds, but, he would have wanted me to know everything. I think it was one of my bravest moments to keep my promise to the detective who let me in here, not to fall apart. I remember Eric was just sitting on the floor, back against the wall, looking relaxed and peaceful except for a tiny stream of blood from his nose. I said, to him, 'Oh, Eric, I am sooo sorry'. And that was it. I took a quick look around and left. Bad Company was playing on a loop. It's so weird to talk about it now. I never talk about it much.
no, I never photographed the death. I do ask to open the casket to see them for a last time, but I don't want photos of their dead bodies. I do have enough photos of them alive. No need to water down the memory of those moments with the picture of a stiff body.
It used to be a thing to pose ppl in Victorian times, with the family and have a family portrait taken.That's weird. They sat them in chairs or whatever and posed with them. Not long ago a Puerto Rican boxer was posed standing up in a boxing ring in his boxing clothes, but with sunglasses. He was fully posed to punch somebody out too. A woman not long ago had her husband sitting in his recliner with the clicker in his hand. And that's what ppl saw when they went for the visitation. My boss's son died of an OD a few years ago. He was 27, I believe. Never married. Had a history of drug addiction. But his mom had always cut his hair all his life, so she said nobody else was going to cut it after he died. She gathered up all her strength and went to the funeral home and cut her sons' hair. He was a good guy. And worked here, he always talked to me and I enjoyed him. Could I have done that? No. I don't think so. My son doesn't like anybody messing with his hair. But she knew it was ok and did it. She is stronger and braver than I. As are you, Pat. I truly admire that in a woman, or anyone. That kind of strength. <3
Rox
Pat, I remember you posted about it, that night, late. It was surreal. So terrible. A parents worst nightmare. I was in disbelief. In shock, for you. Isn't your current house, where he was living? Or am I confused?
Rox
I see your point, but, it's what some of the dead would have wanted. In my son's case, he knew he was going and in a way he was excited about the voyage. it was his send off.
When my brother was dying from cancer, laying there tubes coming out all over his body, people were taking pictures. I hated it. It was what my mom wanted. Then the funeral. It's been 13 years and I can barely remember the funeral, but I can still see him in his casket, plain as day. My mom was taking pics of him and people standing by the casket. My mom has since passed also and I have those pics hidden and won't look at them.
I have made it well known that if anyone dares take a picture of me in my casket, I will haunt them for the rest of their lives.
Rox, I own a Victorian death album. I was naive when I got it and though it odd that everyone had their eyes closed. Many children and babies. When I learned the truth, I no longer wanted it. It's out in the shed. I still collect old pics, but, not if they eyes are closed. A book full of heartache. Can you imagine?
And yes, I am strong. I always have been, but, burying your first born is something beyond imagination. I think I was in shock. Really, I do. I did not and have not cried in front of anyone. I am called cold and strange, but, it is too intimate an act to me.
ps, yes, I posted it on here right away. I wanted my friends to know and I guess comfort me and you did. You all did. I had no one else to tell really. I really am a recluse. I think people say that jokingly, for me, it's simply the truth. Though now, I am doing better.
A young friend of mine died of cancer, she was only 32. It's never, ever occurred to me to take photos of a funeral, I would have considered it to be in really bad taste. But Rel was so young and her funeral service was so beautiful, her grave in such a lovely spot, her coffin so brightly decorated, I took pictures. It think it was just too difficult to let go.
I'll never forget when you lost Eric. It's just too sad and I'm tearing up here. I have no words, I just feel the love and the pain of the loss. You've done a brilliant job of picking up the pieces and putting them back together, broken, but solid and beautiful.
Lia, did you think "She would have liked this." ?
Maybe she did. I wondered that with Eric. I thought some of his was in bad taste, yet, I thought he'd see the humor in it and laugh. He would have shit if he knew how many people came. No one anticipated that.
Oh, and yep, this was his house, where I live now. Who knows what that move was about?? I need a shrink..lol. Maybe I thought he'd still be here. Well, he aint. He has better things to do. Though I do think he checks on Lis once in awhile. Briefly. Then he's off and I find an 'I'm with the band' sticker. I have a collection now.
Theresa, maybe your mom was like me and thought she owed it to your brother to document what he went thru. Your mom is gone, maybe it's time to throw the pics away if they hurt you.
Your wishes should be respected. I can not abide anyone disrespecting the dead's wishes. The family tried to do that with Eric and I put my foot down. I had to fight over his burial place and I knew what he told me, but, my family..omfg. They should have accepted that I knew what he wanted and not made me fight and get more upset, but, it's the way the old ladies are. We all hate them.
Thank you, Lia, you said that so sweetly it was almost like poetry. Yeah, an awful time. I don't think most people know I had him as a kid and raised him alone. We fought like cats and dogs, always making up in a day or two. We also partied together, shared friends, laughed our asses off at each other and made fun of our family together. I met every woman he ever slept with I think..and there were fucking thousands it seemed like. LMAO, such a ho sometimes. No one knows you like your kid, man. Thank the universe for my sweet daughter. And you know, I don't regret those jokes I used to make about her being my good kid or my favorite kid. Eric got it. He always laughed too and said, 'she IS sweet isn't she? Are you sure she's yours?'
I remember the move. I was happy. Your life has become richer for it. Really. Before you moved into Eric's house you were in a bad space with your Neighbours. They were giving off really bad vibes. You kind of moved in with your son and his protective vibes embraced you and blew life back into you. It made you so strong and full that you were able to continue and now you're strong enough to move onto your own house and rebuild it. It's all good. As for our friend Rel, she would have hated her funeral. She was into esoterical stuff and an atheist but her family organised a full blown Orthodox funeral and the priest who presided banned everything Rel would have wanted in the service. The only concession was that he allowed her favourite female singer to sing a song and word got out to wear colorful clothing. The church was absolutely full of color, I'm sure she was there. I think, all in all, the funeral mirrored her life, lots of cultural clashes but also music and The plot her family chose for her grave in amazing, on a hill, under a gum tree. She would have loved that. Her sister gave birth to a daughter a few days ago, it's the best break that family has had in a long time. Then, after the funeral, all her young friends took off to a pub and drank ad smoked a bit of pot, that was more Rel. Her favourite thing in the world was The Burning Man Festival (I think it's in the Nevada desert) and her friends went there and performed a special ceremony for her. That was more her style.
" I also talked the cops into letting me past the police tape to see Eric in his death pose. I had to. I had to know. I owed it to Eric to know and see everything I could about it. I know how odd that sounds, but, he would have wanted me to know everything."
This reminds me of something my sister did when her son died three years ago. He had done two tours of duty in Iraq and came back safe and sound. Then was killed in a car accident in the US.
My sister requested the 911 tape. It was long. They were on a mountain road and it took awhile for medics to find them. My sister listened to her son's companions as they stayed with him and tried to staunch his wounds as he lay dying.
She listened to his death. More than once. Privately, some of us sibs wondered whether this was healthy. I'm glad now no one ever said anything to her. It was what she needed to do and your post helped me to better understand that.
His head was badly smashed, but she still wanted an open casket. Eventually the funeral director talked her out of it. But she stayed alone with him prior to the wake and before they closed the casket.
She took many photos of him from the shoulders down. She proudly showed them to everyone, pointing out all the ribbons on his uniform. I feel sure she took some for herself, of his whole body.
Whenever you write about your son, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine losing a child.
sending good energy and blessings...
Katherine
I've never done it because all my loved have been cremated, per their request, but I say do whatever is a comfort to you. If my pregnancy loss had been further along, I would give anything to have a photo of my daughter now, anything at all, in fact. The NICU where I worked took pics of babies that died, and kept them in the event the parents didn't want them so if they ever asked for them--and many did, years later they were there waiting for them. I always thought that was a nice thing to do, along with footprints.
I find a lot of the photos from the Civil War era of deceased family posing with their late loved one very interesting to see. It is really touching to realize it was probably the only image they had of their loved one, much less as a family unit or all the children together. They did such a superb job of propping people, and even standing them up, it's hard to tell sometimes.
I can totally understand why you would want to see how Eric was found. That took a lot of courage to see him like that, but if you're like me, it was better than wondering--and it sounds peaceful. You did him an honor of knowing all of his life, even the end, which is so painful for you--you didn't look away, you stood with him which makes you so magnificent, resilient and determined. Lis will need to know the things you know and were not too afraid to see. I hope I could summon half the strength you have if I was tested like that.
Sending you a big hug.
These pearl wearing weiner women should stop wearing those pearls as chokers and learn to shut up. Do what you want regarding pictures, it's all ok, and it's their business, not mine or theirs.
I heard many true horror stories of cremations in the current time and made up my mind to be there when the husband or dog went into the crematorium, to be sure it was indeed who it was supposed to be, and that the husband or the dog was alone in there. I'm glad I did. I feel better about it.
Probably when my dad is gone is when I will toss them. For now they are just put away. I sure don't want my son to come across them either.
When my brother died, it pretty much broke her heart. Three months after he passed, she passed.
I do live in the house that my mom passed in.
When I was 18, my grandpa passed away on Christmas Day. We were all standing around his bed and we watched him die. I told my brother afterwards, I never want to see another person die in my life. He promised me that I would never have to see anyone die again. The day my brother died, everyone was there, yet again waiting for him to die. He had held on for my grandma to make it to his bedside, but still he seemed to be waiting on something. Finally I said, "I can't be here" and I left. Right after I left was when he passed. I believe to this day that he held on to his promise I wouldn't have to see anyone die again.
I think that you should go with whatever feels right to you at the time.
I can't imagine the strength it took to see your son where he sat and hold it together. That is awesome personal resolve.
I have never taken a picture of a person in their casket, but have taken many pictures of caskets of family friends and of my FIL's cremains box and my mother's casket. At one of the funerals, where there was viewing at the time of the service, I actually saw an old woman, (who is kind of an oddball within the local Hungarian community) reach into the casket and stroke his face and hands, and then kiss him. I felt weirded out by that, but won't judge how she felt and reacted.
When I got the call that my mom died, we got ready and went down to see her. I did touch her hands and kiss her forehead, and there was no doubt that she was gone. I didn't feel her in the room, either. She had truly left us. So, it was good to do that, and experience her absence. Sounds strange like that, but so be it. When I was little and my grandmother died, I was not allowed to see her, and always resented it. As in, I can't believe they were so mean as to leave me out of that. I needed it, is what it felt like. When my dad died, I saw him from a few feet away, on the stretcher in the emergency room, with a sheet pulled down tight over his face, but my mother was with me and she was completely freaking out that I might see his face, so I backed off and we left the area. I have always felt like that was so wrong of her, though her attitude may have come from the fact that she saw so many dead, including close friends, during the war. I'm being charitable when I say that she may have been trying to spare me that experience. It has never felt right to me.
On the other hand, we had Mia cremated, and she is in a little flowered box with her name and dates. When I touch that box, I very intensely feel her. I don't know why or how, but there is no doubt to me. I could pick that box out of a line-up, the feeling is so intense.
I don't think I could handle having a victorian death album, like what you have. It would just feel too sad to me.
Christina
Funny this came up just the other day I read an article about how it used to be customary to take pictures. My grandma was given one of her mom by the funeral home with the guest book. She was mortified and made us all swear to never do it to her. No one did.
Post a Comment