Wheelin', dealin', carless

I went lookin' yesterday. My cousin, Joe took me. (My brother/cousin Joe, not the crazy cousin Joe.) My fucking mother insisted on coming because she had my car already picked out. She hadn't even seen it, but, a MAN told her it was what I needed. Her pick was a Ford Taurus. When we got there and I looked around the lot, the only Taurus there was this fucking rusted out wreck. I mean, it had been really, really wrecked. That's the only thing that would account for the entire top of the car to be covered in brown rust. It had to have rolled and slid along pavement tearing the paint off. I just can't think of any other reason a car would rust like that, can you? I'll admit there wasn't much body damage, but, the rest of the car was the color of old menstrual blood. The dealer called it 'maroon'. It was not maroon. It was old period blood. The tires were bald. The interior was cold, cheap black plastic. The console was also black plastic and the whole thing reminded me of an old boom box. There was a black hole where a radio used to be. Even the ashtray was missing. I could tell I'd have to sit on a cushion or stretch my neck to see over the steering wheel. I'm short, okay. For the last 7 years I have been stretching my neck to see over the wheel. I will not do that again. I turned on the AC and it didn't work, but, Mr. Dealer said he was sure it could be fixed. Really? If it's sitting on the sale lot, why isn't it fixed now?

I looked at my mother and right in front of Mr. Dealer, I said, 'You are fucking nuts. I am not paying $4,500 dollars for this ugly, rusted out, wrecked piece of shit and I don't give a fuck what kind of motor it has in it. It needs to be towed to the junk yard. Fuck you, you're an idiot.'

I started walking down the road towards home. She got embarrassed and called me back and got really nice and reasonable..because a MAN was watching. Get this, she said, 'Well, honey, I wasn't trying to choose your car (yes, she was), you can pick out any car you want!' Then she gave this nervous laugh, trying to sound cute and harmless. I said, I intend to pick out any car I want, since I'm paying for it and I'm driving it. But, I intend to go somewhere where the dealer is willing to show me a decent, normal car in my price range and whoever he or she is, they will not be listening to YOU. Nor will they be trying to unload some piece of crap on me that they're tired of looking at because no one else will buy it.

Mr. Dealer spoke up then, the smarmy smile had left his face. He waved his arm and said, all of the vehicles on this side are in your price range or less, please let me show you anything you see that you like. I could tell my mother was steaming, she wanted to scream. I really loved that. I smiled at him and said, thank you. I know what I need. I want something inconspicuous, nothing gaudy. I want good tires. I want it to be not so close to the ground as my old car. Medium size ( I am sick to death of that small car), it has to have 4 doors because of that old lady and her fucking bitch sister. And the goddamn defrost, heat and AC have to be kick ass because I am damn tired of waiting for my mother's old stupid ass for hours in a hot or freezing car. And I am not going to scrape ice anymore.

I looked at several sedans, they were okay, but, they all had their problems. Like, one I couldn't see out the back window because the back was jacked up. My Focus is like that, I call it ass up. It sucks. Bad, bad design. Another one looked good until I looked underneath. Rust bucket. Nope. Another one just didn't feel right when I sat in it. You know what I mean, uncomfortable. Made for a tall man. The ones that looked good only had two doors. Sigh. I did love a hot forest green small truck, but, there is no way the old lady could climb into that. Too bad, it was cute as hell, low mileage, 5 speed manual, well maintained. But, on I went...

I got to the end of the row and sighed. I was near the back of the building by then and I looked over and spotted this hot looking dark pearl gray Cadillac. (Very much like that pic I put on, only fancier.) I laughed and said, I'd look good in a Caddy. It looked new from where I was standing. (I suck at guessing car years, unless they're real old.) Mr. Dealer got all excited and said that's not new, it's an '06, it just came in as a trade two days ago. But, we've had it on the lift and we can't find anything mechanically wrong with it. Very low mileage. It's in your price range. I got a little excited, I tried not to show it. As we walked back there and I got closer I saw the problem. The front window was cracked. He said, yeah, I think someone hit a deer and they were ready for a trade in anyhow, so here it is. He said he planned to put a new windshield in it before he put it out on the lot. I ran my hand over the smooth hood and I said, it wasn't a deer. It was an owl. He asked how I would know that? I told him, I'm on the conservation's rescue and rehab list and I've taken in many owls hit by cars and seen many cars hit by owls. That's the kind of damage a big one, like a Great Horned, would do. I said, see this tiny hole in the hood? That's from a talon, they're very strong. He started stuttering, uhh, that hole, umm.. I said, I can fix that myself, you'll never know it was there. But, I can't fix a windshield. He said, if I was interested, he'd send it to the glass shop that day. I said, let me sit in it first. I opened the door and OMG, it was so pretty inside. Real leather big bucket seats and they were nicely worn in. You know, with just the right amount of leather wrinkle, like a biker's jacket. The inside was a warm tan, nice big dividing console, also leather. Beautifully done dashboard and gages. Storage spaces, heated seats, Bose stereo system, cruise control, power everything. And it all worked. It purred like a kitten. And best of all...it fit me like a glove. I could see over the leather wrapped steering wheel perfectly and out the back too. I looked at him and said, I'm not promising anything, but, I think you should send it to the glass shop today. He grinned and I told him I'd be back.

My mother was very calm and smiling all the way home. She even managed to say (in front of Joe) "I'm so glad you found something you like, honey, that's all I ever wanted!"

As soon as Joe dropped us off at home, the old bitch went psycho.  She started screaming that I couldn't afford that Cadillac. I said, he told me I could have it for the same exact price as that rust bucket you picked out, plus, it's two years newer! That stopped her for a second. Then she said, 'Well, Joe said he had a Cadillac once and it had electrical problems and was impossible to work on!' And I said, I am well aware that Cadillac's are prone to electrical problems, but, Joe's problem was that it was 20 years ago and they had no computer diagnostic tools here. They do now and I watched them fix my Focus using one and it was awesome. It only took them a few minutes to find the problem. And boom, they fixed it. So, yeah, I know what Joe's saying and I believe him, but, it's different now. Besides, I put very few miles on a car, which means electrical breakdowns won't be as regular with me as with most people who have work commutes and things. Then she got frustrated and started sputtering that Bobby (my brother) had always told her to buy Fords, he knows Fords are the best! I said, Bobby? Oh, my brother who's in a home because he's fucking Rain Man and can't even tie his own shoes? Why don't we hit the strip and argue with the hot rodders about what's faster, a souped up Chevy or a tricked out Ford? Then I laughed at her and went home.

I still haven't decided. I sure love that fucking purdy pearl gray Cadillac though. But, I have a couple of lines on private sale cars and one sounds really promising. This hillbilly mechanic down in Mo, not far from here, acquired a pretty, but, dead Oldsmobile. He is supposed to be a kick ass mechanic. He dropped a new hot motor in it and rebuilt the rest from top to bottom. It's supposedly sharp, fast and a 5 speed. Not that I need fast, but, why not?  It was supposed to be a surprise for his old lady. When the wife saw it, she threw a hissy. Seems she hates Oldsmobiles and despises the color. It's white. Hmm, I like an Olds and I love white cars. He told one of my cousins he'd sell the damn thing for what he's got in it just to see it gone. It's pretty cheap, since he got the car free and most of the parts, he had. That might be worth looking at. If he put it together for his own wife, he would have done it right. Don't you think?

So, does anyone have experience with a Cadillac? What's your take on them? I'll definitely listen, I've never owned one.


By the way, my Focus is now sitting in the South driveway, with all my belongings in it. My checking account is back to it's former balance too. Oh, and here's the best part..my cousin Joe said he would be willing to trade painting the inside AND the outside of my new old house in trade for the Focus. He'll put a new engine in it and give it to his daughter. He's a professional house painter, that's his trade and he's very good at it. I know how much he charges, so really, it's a helluva deal for me. Being carless sucks for sure, but, it looks like this is all going to turn out all right. I'm in a much better mood.