They say you learn something from everything you go through. I don't know who 'they' are exactly, but, sometimes, I think, I've been through enough and I want to kick 'them' in the crotch. I haven't wanted to go into how bad these spinal injuries I have are, I despise long medical posts and discussions..let's just say, I am fairly well fucked. In the last two weeks, I have been to the emergency room twice, for pain. And believe me when I tell you, I am a tough old bird and no damn sissy. I am a small person who has had two large babies with no medical help. One took four days to push out. I have had my goddam insides explode and had to have intestinal and stomach transplants made from my own goddamn tissues and fats. Oh, there are many, many more war stories, but, who give a fuck at this point? I am just say, man, this fucking spine shit hurts like a bitch. And it hurts..all..the..fucking...time.
Okay, so in order to get decent meds, I must go through yet another bout of physical therapy, before I see a specialist. Who will tell me I am not fixable..it's my goddamn spine, for shit sake! I had two long rounds when I had strokes, in order to get my left side back again. Here's my deal..I will do whatever I have to do, however I have to do it. I do not need these fuckers putting me on these goofy contraptions that stretch and pull muscles, nor do I need these idotic games they play with rubber bands, balls, stupid video games that you work with your feet or any of the other modern crap they have to fuck with you. It hurts and it's stupid for me, and I'll tell you why. I do not need a therapist to tell me I must learn to lift or get from one place to another. Nor do I need a cheerleader. "Go, work, amazing, I knew you could do it!" Really? Well, I know I can do it too, but, I resent having to waste time doing it with you. Who do you think is taking care of my chickens? Cleaning their beds every night, making sure they have fresh water five times a day? Who do you think is clearing a path through my cluttered house, washing my dishes, feeding my cat, driving the old ladies around, getting in all our groceries, and all the other shit a person does to live? Who? Some servant I have hidden in a closet? Some fucking social worker? Jesus Christ. No, it's just me, looking ridiculous, moving very slowly and oddly. Sitting on the gound to shovel? It's embarrassing, is what it is. I wonder what people think? That I'm a drunk? An epileptic having a seizure? (Nope, I take Clono for that shit.) I guess I don't give a fuck. I do what I want to do. I just do it differently now and I will continue to evolve ways to 'get er done' until I am completely useless, then I will pull the plug. I hate physical therapy.
But, much to my surprise, this new physical therapist who was assigned to me, is different. He uses ultra sound massage, which is just fucking Nirvana, if you ask me. Warm oils are poured on my bare back and neck and then this contraption gently goes over it in circles. It feels great. I hate anyone actually touching me, so this is comfortable to me. I have no idea if it actually helps my spinal pain later, but, right then..wow. THEN, the dude has me sit and he just instructs me on positions I can use to align my head and spine and sort of open up the damaged and constricted areas. I am doing it right now. THEN he has me concentrate on using my mind to loosen certain muscles in my neck, shoulders, ect. He has me practice at home too. I do what he says, because this stuff is actually doing something. I have not figured out how to push the pain away, but, I can move it to a different area. I really can. I can move it from my head and neck and push it into my middle back now. I can hold it there for about 20 min. As long as I concentrate. It still hurts like fuck all, but, by moving it, it gives my head and neck a break and I no longer feel like I am going insane. I have not felt the need for the ER and their blessed shots since I met this guy. I'm not saying I won't ever, but, I am doing better.
I realized what he's doing is a more science and medically based form of Reiki. I respond much better when he holds his hand just over the areas he wants me to push pain from. I feel his energy. I use it. I don't think he quite believes me, but, he has promised to read up on Reiki. That was developed in Japan, practitioners believe that they are transferring "universal energy" through the palms of the practitioner, which they believe encourages healing. Reiki absolutely works, and I have two friends who are certified practitioners. But, it opens me up to much psychically. I do not need any more visits from the dearly departed than I already have, if you understand me. But, somehow, with this therapist, I have learned to block a lot of that outside energy. He probably just thinks I'm nuts, and maybe I am. Who cares? All I know is I'm getting through this, I am learning things and soon I will get my meds back. I hope. Meditation is awesome, but, I don't want to do this 24/7. Sometimes, I just want to smoke on my oil steamer and bitch about the Kardashians..while watching them. You know what I mean? I need to waste some time. I need to stop my mind sometimes and give it a damn break.
I also need more sleep, though I am doing a little better since I can move the pain now. How are you doing? Any thoughts on all this babble? You know moving energy is..magik. It's that hoodoo shit again. If you can't see a correlation between the three things in the title and start to make a real connection, then I guess I don't make sense. Maybe you had to be there. Heh.
14 comments:
I know I can. If I have a headache, and it's not bad enough to take a pill (which make me feel like crap, by the way) I'll visualize a red ball in my head, and make it go down the rainbow until it's at purple. Colour by colour. Does that make sense? it helps me focus my energy into making me feel better, sometimes it actually gives me that buzzy feeling as if I were to take a pain pill.
Interesting. I visualize a yellow light. I am not med free, but, they aren't effective. Not much is anymore. But, this is a screamer. Not quite third stage of labor but close. But, it never stops. It just makes me want to...go insane or to ER.
We must have twin spines and bodies. Same issues with stomach and intestinal surgery. I can hardly wait for the scar tissue to form so I can do it all again. The spine is a screamer. No relief. I hate PT. I am not a moron really, and I'm good with a sheet of paper telling me what to do, not that it helps really. The stretches I do all the time at least let me move. Sort of. But to have to make an appointment and go someplace else and basically waste the time to keep these appointments puts me in such a foul humor that I can't help but be nasty from the get go. No appointments. Every few months for the eye doctor and that's it. Moved some stuff today. Can't move without extreme pain now, and shaking. I'm kind of reclined now with lap top on lap where it belongs. Pain is still there, but at least not trying to walk or bend or anything. So hi, twin, and I'll join you in good voodoo for Christina, too. Hell, his mommy should be giving him an allowance.
Border, have I told you how much I adore you lately? I really do.
Ps....you know what the MD gave me for current pain? Tramadol....(waiting for your laughter to subside.)....yep. The local drug dealers wouldn't bend over to pick it up if I dumped it in the street like chicken feed.
They gave me tramadol, but this is from a neurologist who didn't believe the cyst in my brain was really affecting me. And I found out from my current neurologist that tramadol is bad for people who may experience seizures. In fact it could cause seizures. So I don't take that crap anymore.
I've got carisoprodol, Soma, a street drug worth a lot but I don't sell it ever. I need every damned pill.
Damn, Kitty! Well, it helps mine and it doesn't make me high in anyway.
Border, I don't know what that is, I have to look it up. But, yay, you. How many dog n pony shows did you go through to get it?
ps. Kitty, how DOES a cyst affect your brain?
Curious.
You can tell how good a pain med is by the street cost. They always have the best.
Well, it gives me memory loss, slight vitrification, and headaches. I always have of sense of pressure in my head. And you know how a scar will throb, like a short sharp pain, after a surgery? 18 years after mine and it still does it. And some people get seizures, I haven't ever experienced the big ones. The grande mal, but my neuro said that I may experience petit mal, little ones that I might not even notice. Those cause an unexplained lapse in time (of a second or two) to the person, which I've had one or two.
Then again everybody is different, some people aren't affected at all. But mine takes up about 1/3 of by brain cavity. So my brain is a bit smushed, the brainstem is actually to the right. You can even see it in my MRI. I don't have a picture though, it's on a DVD they sent home with me.
Stupid auto correct typing whatever, that's supposed to be slight virtigo.
Jane, I'll have to ask my neighbors about that.
Thanks, Kitty, it sounds agonizing. My neuro called my shit seizures. I just called them spasms. I can actually punch myself in the face (before clono). Or get two hour long 'eye ticks'). It happened constantly. Not painful, just annoying and stupid looking.
I get the eye thing too, it twitches and it drives me nuts!
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