In defense of Salami Hayek

I am so fucking sick of this. She never did get to light it because she couldn't get away from the paps. She's outside for cripes sakes. It's not illegal. Honestly, I think the anti-people are losing their minds.

Sad in Aspen

First ParAss said BFF wasn't going to Aspen, then changed her mind. ParAss (with her Prada shopping bag) and her sister are all decked in new snow gear and Brittany clearly is making do. I don't know why she bothers with these people. You'd have to want to be famous awfully bad to put up with this. Wouldn't you spring for some new gear for your friend of you were as rich as ParAss? I would. Cheap skate! First the crummy used toys for kids, now this.

Madonna's sister out shopping

Splash says this is Gristle's little sister, Melanie. Melanie is 46 and before you think she has big bucks to blow, I'd think again. Madge doesn't have anything to do with Mel because she rejected that red string religion. Hmm. So that's what Gristle would look like if she wasn't Gristle?

Fuckmopolitan

'Bout right. What else can I say?

If Amy Winehouse does it, Lily Allen can do it too

Am I supposed to cover the nips? You know that's not what you're looking at. Jesus Christ, Lily, your hair looks like Pebbles Flintstone.

RIP Eartha Kitt

Eartha was born on a cotton farm in 1927 and had a long career as a singer, sometimes actress. She was probably the first black woman that white men could say was hot (without being shot) because of her light skin and sultry voice. Wierd to think about, isn't it? People were so ass backwards. Eartha was actually bi-racial. She died yesterday at the age of 81. Rest in peace, Eartha, you were too good for the bastards and we all know it.

Hilary Duff and her charity

Duff supports her pet charity Blessings In A Backpack. I've meant to blog on that one for awhile now. I mean, we have free breakfast and lunch for these kids at school, but, what do they eat on the weekend when their crackhead mom leaves them alone with an empty fridge? Blessings puts non perishable items of food in their backpacks on Fridays so they can eat on the weekends too. It's terribly sad, isn't it? The program isn't national yet...I kind of wish some bigger stars would get involved in it. But, good for Hilary, it's a nice thought. We really need to feed America's kids, it seems like they get lost in the "awarness" shuffle.

Heidi and Seal with family

I always wondered why Heidi married him, I mean she's Heidi Klum, but, I watched her biography and she was single and pregnant when she met him. He romanced her anyway and was there for the birth of her daughter, Leni. Then he doted on the kid. Nice story.
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Leni's sperm doner is billionaire, Flavio Briatore who doesn't seem to have anything to do with his child. Well, I guess she's Seals daughter now. Good deal for them both, the way I look at it.

Mariah and Nicks card

Crabbie warned me about this. He said don't go look, it will make you puke. Why does he do that? He knew I'd go look. It made me puke. He really looks like her son there. I have no problem with ageism, (is that a word? Yeah, it is)...but, really..she looks like a proud mom showing off her teenage son with baggy pants.

Presenting Bronx

In the latest attempt to stay relevant, Pete Wentz posted this picture of baby Bronx, himself and Ashlee. He said he was offered piles of money, but, wouldn't pimp his kid. The media says no one wanted the baby pics. I really don't know, but, it sucks that the media can put a worth on a baby anyhow. Enjoy your son, Pete and Ashlee, he looks like a very nice baby. Now can we stop hearing about your sex life and what breast milk tastes like?

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Also, he's doing the back to front comb over, which I find particularly repulsive. Remember guys, it's only a problem if you think it's a problem.

Happy Holidays

I hope the holidays are good to all of you. I hope you're all on Santa's good list (even you, crabbie). Hey, remember to buy batteries and take the toys out of those horrible screwed on packages before you wrap them. I love you all, and wish you and yours the very best. Dirty Disher

This is a good one

My mom was mad about a big pile of lights that wouldn't work. She's yapping about how they make them crummy and she all pissed off, she even said damn! Ohh! I said, why are you bitching at me? Where'd you get them? She says, out of your trash. LMAO! Geez, mom. When I laughed at her she started laughing too. My trash don't work. Every things a rip off. I caught her today making chocolate pie. The only person who loved chocolate pie every Christmas was my son, Eric. Awww. I didn't say anything. Hug your family today..even if they're irritating.

Miss Tia's Christmas tree videos

Hey, she even put music in them! Cool.

The Gosslein's have a little talk with Santa

A Conversation With Santa

Santa takes time out of his busy toy-making schedule for an exclusive chat with Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of TLC’s hit show Jon & Kate + 8.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. I haven’t heard from you folks in a while.

Kate: We took a vote and none of are children believe that you exist.

Jon: Besides, we don’t need presents from Santa when society knows that they are responsible for sending gifts for our children.

Kate: If people want to send us gifts, who are we to say no?

Santa: But the toys I bring are free, too.

Kate: Ok, but you’ll have to sign this sponsorship agreement to have your toys featured on are show and with every present you deliver this year, the contract states you will have to include a copy of are book, Multiple Ble$$ing$.

Santa: But Santa’s sleigh is already mighty full! I won’t have room for all those books.

Kate: Then you’ll have to rent a way-back. Jon, go load Santa’s way-back with copies of are book.

Jon: It’s not a way-back. It’s a trailer. Don’t call it a way-back, people don’t know what you’re talking about.

Santa: How about I let the children sit on my knee and they can tell me their Christmas wishes and have their picture taken with Santa.

Kate: Those will cost you 20 bucks a pop.

Santa: Santa doesn’t use money. My currency is joy and good cheer. Mrs. Claus and I live on love and the laughter of millions of happy children on Christmas morning.

Jon: Seriously, Santa. I can teach you how to collect these love offerings. It’s like fraud in the name of Jesus.

Santa: But I love delivering toys. In fact, I have the perfect toys for your little ones.

Kate: We can’t take your toys. Do you know how much pixilation costs? We’ll go broke trying to blur all that out.

Jon: I’ve always wanted a pot-bellied pig.

Kate: I’d like some Botox to make my brow look sincere.

Santa: Oh, ho, no. I didn’t mean gifts for you, Jon and Kate. You two are on the naughty list.

Kate: The naughty list! HeLLLLL-OOOOOO. You can’t put us on the naughty list. We’ve got the highest rated show on TLC. Do you know who I am? I’m a Kmart spokesperson! I eat organic! I donated the prodceedes of our yard sale to charity! I’m too exhausted to be naughty!

Jon: C’mon, we can’t be that bad.

Santa: Let’s just say that you rank a little higher than Bernard Madoff, but well below the fellow who threw his shoes at Bush.

Kate: But people love us. People are always so happy to see us. We have a great life with acreage! My kids wear Gymboree and Crocs! We’re good parents. We let Bev fold are laundry and we let those ducks at the Peabody stand in the same lobby with us. We even let those sick kids be on are show so that they could get to hold are book.

Santa: If there were an island for misfit parents, you’d be on it, and likely, voted off of it.

Kate: My children are bibbed and fed everyday. Did I say they have Crocs? Jon is the only misfit parent in are house.

Jon: You know, we don’t need your gifts this Christmas. We’re getting a family computer.

Kate: That’s so the twins can surf the internet and find out how much everyone loves us.

Santa: But every child should have at least one Christmas wish come true. What about the little kids? Is it their wish to have a computer?

Kate: Oh, they don’t have time to play on the computer. They’ve got a family to support.

Santa: But, children shouldn’t have to work or be burdened with that sort of responsibility.

Jon: I vowed a long time ago to do whatever I have to do for my children and that includes putting them to work.

Kate: We took a vote and the children want to continue working so they won’t have to go to daycare. They love working because they get a box lunch, Luna bars, and the chance to pet someone else’s puppy.

Santa: But children should be able to play without a care in the world.

Jon: They play. Every afternoon I line them up and kick soccer balls at their heads.

Santa: What sort of childhood memories will your children have if they are working all the time?

Kate: They’ll remember all of are trips to the airport and the camera crews and Jen the producer. They’ll remember that ice cream at Disney and cupcakes on their birthday. They’ll remember my pretty toes after a trip to the spa. Making memories is all we do!

Jon: And those poop pictures, they’ll probably remember those poop pictures.

Kate: Yes, and the half of an M&M they earned for pooping in the potty.

Santa: Who will support you both when the children are grown and on their own?

Kate: "Whom." "Whom will support" us. Santa, your grammar is horrendously horrendous.

Santa: Uh huh. Can you answer the question?

Kate: There will always be just us. The children will never leave us because we are a family. We’re ordering bigger high chairs next week.

Jon: I hear you own a workshop. Maybe you could help us out with those new high chairs.

Santa: You’re on the naughty list. Remember?

Kate: You just don’t know how to help us.

Join us this spring when the Gosselins meet with Jesus and the Easter Bunny to discuss their fraudulent collection of charitable dollars from those less fortunate.

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This was written by Three Farmers and printed with permission. Hey, when I get free Gosselin humor, who am I to say no??? Hilarious. If you're a fan of Three Famers writting, and who isn't?.. You can read more at GWoP. She has a very witty version of a famous Christmas poem there called Giving Back Recap . Thanks 3F, have a very merry.

A comparison of two Kates

Tom says Suri won't wear jeans. Tom says a lot of things about Suri that aren't true. But, you know what I like about Suri? She's allowed to amuse herself with cheap trinkets, like most kids. She plays with Chapstick and stick on tattoos and those paste on cheap fingernails in garish green. Who doesn't let their kid have that stuff? They love it. Kate Gosselin thinks her kids need to have professional pedicures at four. At four! And she'd have a heart attack if anyone gave them green nail polish..or a green crayon for that matter. Suri is allowed to use paint too. Both Kates exploit their kids, but, of the two Kates, Holmes seems more normal.

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I wish Santa would bring me that green purse, but, he won't. He'll probably bring it to Kate Gosselin. She can put Jons balls in it and still have room for her magic uterus and a pack of germ wipes.

Britney's holiday card

She's not rambling or apologising anymore, just a simple card. That's good, Britney. Happy holidays to you to.

Coco loves her Nouna

Courteney Cox talks about her daughter, Coco's godmother, Jen Aniston: "Coco calls her Nouna, which is Greek for godmother; they see each other and play together every weekend. The other day Jen came over with her yoga teacher and Coco stuck it out for an hour doing yoga with them!"
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I can't imagine dropping by a friends house with a yoga teacher, but, it seems Jen takes her God Mom duties seriously. I'd have liked to see that session, Coco probably did stick around for an hour, but, she wasn't doing what they were doing. I know how that works.

This is awful, what is Jessica Biel thinking?

"Santa and Bleebo Save Christmas" with Jessica Biel and David Koechner by Dave Koechner

Geez, like there aren't enough sad holiday stories without the "popular kids" making vids like this. Really bad taste, not funny. Does she have a brain??

Hef's Christmas card

Hef and his topless teenage twin felons wearing body paint. Not even a Christmas tree, Hef? I wonder if he sent this to Holly? They sure have firm boobies. I guess if you're still in puberty, you would. I still think he should hook up with Mary.

That's one way to cover up your wonk

ParAss should take notes from Doherty. Oh, the back's so classy too.

When's the baby due, Mariah?

If there's one thing you can count on at Christmas, it's Mariah in Aspen, showing cleavage. Ho, ho, ho..your jacket doesn't fit.

His reps say he's not sick

MJ's reps have spoken out about the rumors of his illness. They say he isn't blind and does not need a lung transplant. They say he's feeling fine and managing his problems. I'd beg to differ, except I don't care. Here's MJ at the expensive ugly crap store. Seriously, I think that's the name of the store.

Is there a doctor in the house???

Sam Ronson had to go to the hospital, she was suffering from that Hollywood malady..exhaustion. Yeah, she says she doesn't get any sleep. Hmm, what would cause you to be skinny as a rail and not sleep? Whatever this dreaded illness is, Lohan has it too. Oh, geez, I give up. I wish I was a doctor so I could figure this out.

Why is she always naked now?

Winehouse hasn't put on clothes in a month. Every day there's new naked Winehouse pics, I've been ignoring them. Naked dancing for paps, naked beach stuff. I just don't get it. Who's that guy? Neither one of them should be naked. Ever.

They wrote a book!

Please. They can't even talk without Q cards. And they won't tell the truth until Hef is dead.

Jordan-Grace is a cutie

I watched the birth on TV last night. Michelle is 42 and this is her 18th kid. I think she's a pain junkie myself. Oh, and they went shopping and bought a $350.00 blanket and some other designer stuff for the baby. I'm pretty sure they didn't get out of that store for less than a grand. Jim Bob said he wanted to do something nice for his wife. She doesn't have much say in how the family money gets spent. So much for the used store shopping they've been so famous for. But, they are likable. And their little kids don't suck. That oldest kid, the one that just got married, he sounds like such a tool when he talks. But, that one girl they have, I think her name's Jinger, man, that one's going to upset their Jesus lovin' apple cart, you wait and see. She seems tired of this home schooled home spun mess. I like her, I can see her starting a punk band and not lining up to be the new babys "buddy."

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I think this buddy system they have going is peculiar. The baby sleeps in mom and dads room for three months, then it's handed off to its sibling "buddies" and mom get pregnant again. Uhhh huuu. I'll tune in again when Jinger wants to cut her hair and buy a mini skirt. I figure number 18 is going to make her toss her tater tot casserole right on to the biblical nature murals.

Tom's kids at his movie

Connor and Bella Cruise out seeing their dad's new movie. They're good looking kids, but, who dresses them? I don't know any 13 and 15 year olds that dress like that. Every time Ton gets critisized in the blogs for hiding these two, they show up somewhere with him. Shrugs.

What kind of house do you get for $100 grand a month?

You get this..if you're Michael Jackson. If you can afford a hundred grand in rent every month, you can afford a new lung, MJ. He could wack off in a different room every day for a year...and his kids can dangle themselves off any balcony.

Top 10 most useless charactors

Want to know who's number one? Click HERE. I'm not touching this with a 10 foot free organic pole. That's the New York Post, by the way, not some kid on facebook. Owch.

Lookin'......good

There's a photo for Tommy's wallet. Hmm. The last time she walked around sporting cold sores, she was pregnant. It was supposedly caused by some Scientology detox program for pregnant women. Niacin, I think. Katie only has a month left of that All My Sons crap..then she can gestate in peace and bring forth the next alien leader. Betcha.

Worlds biggest Christmas ornament

Dude, that's just friggin' ugly. A whole lot of ugly. Unless it was painted by a sixth grader, in which case I apologise now.

Lissa's first Christmas program

I got a lot of photos of the old piano and the basketball hoop. I was way in the back of the gym. She saw me though and waved. I was proud of her, there was a time when I didn't know if I'd ever see this kind of stuff. She did pretty good and sang three songs and then sat down on the steps and ignored them. The rest of her class sang ten songs, but, she wouldn't. She didn't like the songs...or the little dance. I didn't care, I guess she isn't going to be a Rockette.
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When they left the gym she gave me that look and tossed her hair. Pretty green velvet dress and tennis shoes. Her choice.

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Last night, I explained the years of school to her. How when she's five she'll go to kindergarten, then I asked her to repeat it. So, when you turn 5, where do you go? She taps her cheek thoughtfully..."prison." No, that's not what I said. Geez, she scares me.

Blue tree

A photo by Daniel Brown, I found it on Flicker. It's a beauty. I love the "lone tree" photos. I have a folder of them and it doesn't have that many in it. I'm picky, they have to evoke some feeling before I'll save 'em. Anyhow I got two today! This one and the one Elisa sent that she took herself. (See below.)

Ashleigh with Santa

OMG, Mir, she's getting so big! She's just absolutely gorgeous!

Winter pics from Elisa

Those are gorgeous photos. Yep, it looks like here too. Oh, look at that holiday tree! Someone has PSP. I love that, you could make it a card. Wow. Click to make them bigger. Holy crap! I just blew that tree up, it was so pretty I wanted to see it bigger..that's real! Well, I'll be danged!

Sierra says Happy Holidays..

..and please take this dress off me. That's too cute. She's a precious little tomboy!

Miss Tia's place

Miss Tia, that is so great! I love it. We have a green tree this year too, I put it up in the loft. How long did all that take you?? Oh, the toy soldiers are so cute!

Miss Tia's town gets in the spirit

Cheerful, I like it!