Shoppin' in the middle of nowheres

I'm sorry about the lack of posts today, but, today was the time of month I take my mamma shopping. Gawd, I don't know why she's convinced I won't be over to her place at least twice a week to take her anywhere she wants, but, the 3rd of the month is extreme shopping. It took me 45 minutes to get the ice off the car. Then I got to her house and we have to wait because she's cooking one of them new fangled TV dinners for my Auntie, who's sick from falling on the ice. The dinner is "new fangled" because the damn plate it comes in is plastic and you have to take it out of there before it goes in the oven. I sigh and say, that's because it goes in the microwave. Mamma looks at me like I'm her retarded child and says the microwave is way too hard to operate. It's like one of them rocket ships. Okay. By the time we get on the road I have to scrape the ice again.

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She wanted to go to the bank. Fine. She visited in there for a half hour while I sat outside. Then she wants to go to the drugstore. I wait. That's the wrong drugstore, she wants to go to the one where that nice Donaldson boy works (that dude is like 40). He knows what she wants. He reminds her of Uncle Malon, don't I think so too? I don't know. Malon has been dead for 30 years. Fine. I ask how I'm supposed to get there since the ice is piled in the streets with no way to turn around? I take the boulevard and circle back, fighting the ice. Fine. I wait. And wait. And wait.

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Now she wants to go to the hardware store. I don't ask. I wait..and wait some more. She finally comes out and says cousin Karen is in there buying new kitchen cabinet knobs, those fancy kind that cost 3 dollars a piece. Did I see her? No, Ma. She looks good considering. I reckon.

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Now it's the grocery store. I waited 2 hours for her to appear at the door. She buys 12 whole chickens because they were on sale. And 10 sacks of cat food even though it wasn't. I smoke 10 cigarettes, read an old magazine I found in the glove box and then I carry it all for her because I'm not an asshole. Today. Then it's the Dollar Store, The Bread Barn and City Hall to pay the water bill. Then we go to Casey's because the Auntie wanted scratch off tickets to make up for losing out on her trip to Vegas because of the damn ice. I wait. I wait some more. Her next door neighbor is in there (the one who spent all that money making her house look like a barn and don't I think that's ugly? Yes, Ma, I do), they can't catch up at home because that's too easy. I wait. And wonder why I ever learned to drive.

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Just when I think we're done, she decides she needs a trip to the farm supply store. WTF? Okay. I pull up, let her out and wait. Then I decide to go in in case she's buying bulk feed corn for the squirrels. She is. Inside they have Easter chicks. In color. I found out the hatcheries inject food color based dye into the eggs to get them like that. They are adorable and I hold them and listen to them cheep. I think they're saying "please let me go to a farm kid and not some city slicker." Ma yells at me that I'm not getting chicks and to stop messing around.

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Finally, we get back to the home place only to find the drives blocked and I have to carry load after load all the way up to the house on the ice (while the men folk sit on their ass). My back aches. Bad. She says I only did all this to get home fried chicken. I said, no, I did it because you get Vicodins. I raid her medicine cabinet and leave. She can keep the chicken, she can't cook worth a crap anyhow. But, she's my Ma and, well, she's my Ma. That's why there's no posts today. But, my back doesn't hurt now and I got a new coffee pot somewhere along the way. So, tomorrow will be much better. I promise.