Madonna's 50th..errrrrr, 36th B-day party

Madonna managed to look pretty good at her 50th birthday party, a bit on the tacky side, but, still fairly hot. Someone needs to tell her the things a woman of substance should have figured out by her half century mark..

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1. There is no need to spell out your name in diamonds on your clutch bag when you are one of the few people in the world who has only one name. The only others that come immediately to mind are Mother Teresa and Cher, and that's not bad company. We know who you are.

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We all know you have fairly good legs and should leave the hot pants onstage.

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You should stop your reps from putting out the constant news that your act has always revolved around "pushing peoples buttons" and "shock value"...it demeans any talent you may have and frankly, you never were that shocking. Pseudo masturbation to Like A Virgin shocked one ministers wife in Peoria, the rest of us just liked a catchy tune.

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Puff sleeves might look good on Suri, but, not a grown woman.

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You shouldn't make 45 minute speeches about yourself at your own party..only die hard fans would want to sit through that and you didn't invite any of them.

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Stop thinking millions in plastic surgery can hide the fact that you're 50 and realize you look pretty good for 50 and there's nothing wrong with being 50. The only people that think you're falling apart because you're 50 are brain dead 20 year old girls and gays who wish they were you.

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Stop calling your tours absurd things like “Sticky & Sweet”..I don't need to point out the reason why this is not attractive.

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Stop dragging your husband around as a cheering section, we're not as stupid as you seem to think.

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Don't ask Britney to participate in your tour in any capacity if you intend to get mad later and cut her video from the show.

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Lay off the weight training, shave your daughters unibrow, wear clothes, tell us why your good friend Gwyeneth Paltrow skipped your party and stop speaking with a British accent when the whole world knows you're from Detroit.

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It's not funny, it's just good advice.