It's old lady check day, so I ran them around as usual. It was raining so it wasn't too bad today. The thing that gets me about the old ladies is the pissing contest about who's in the most pain. It starts as soon as they get to the car. You watch them climb in and they grab their knees and go "ahh, ohh." Then the contest starts. My Aunt will go "Ohhhh, uh" from the backseat and my Mom will counter with "Ahhhh, Uhhhh, OHHHH" in the front. The kept that up all the way to the bank, the courthouse, city hall, the grocery store and the dollar store, which, by the way, I'm told is the only place to get apple butter. Old people desperately need apple butter, they can't exist without it.*
Hours of "OH", ARGGG, UH, UHhhh, Ohhhh! My personal favorite is the hissing sound. "SSSssss" accompanied by, "Uh, UHHHHH". I think it's supposed to be like burning. Now, I know they aren't faking being old and having aches and pains. It sucks, but, Jesus-Louizes. My Mom won today, she always wins, even though Aunt Ruth was having heart palpitations and is 90. The weirdest part is that it stops as soon as they get inside a store. They grab carts and head in opposite directions, but, if they run into each other in an aisle, the "Ohhh, Uhhh, Ssss" sounds start again until they pass each other. It makes the ride really unpleasant for me and if I told them how lame they sound, they'd get mad. Other old people don't do that all the time. Sure, they move slow and carefully and they may move too suddenly and let out a yip. Hell, that happens to me sometimes, but, this thing my Mother and Aunt do is weird and obnoxious. I don't know how it started, but, it makes me sick. I feel like pulling in to the emergency room and telling them to get out...because I'm a fucking bitch. It just gets old and I don't want to catch it from them. It's obnoxious.
*
I snuck out and bought some Fall Mums while I was waiting for their old ass's.
I snuck out and bought some Fall Mums while I was waiting for their old ass's.
32 comments:
Oh shit! It's started! I LOVE apple butter on my English muffins....Uhhhh ohhhhhh! I haven't started the hissing sound effects yet...
Neither have my parents and their 80+. Maybe there is hope that I'll stall out at the apple butter stage and NOT progress. Wish me luck!
I love your mums by the way. I'm going to get mine this weekend!
You are so not a bitch...you get a medal for just being around and helping them out. Your stories are too funny and sorry to say, but the bitchy ones ALWAYS bring a smile to my face - Getting mums next weekend cause they are easy and make me smile. Love, your biggest fan in NYC!!!!
Now I want fucking apple butter. Gross.
My mummy and daddy are dead. My grandmummies and granddaddies are dead. My aged aunts and uncles are in my presence perhaps three times a year.
Hahahahahaha!! Suck it!!!!!!!
My old Aunt is very stoic. She fell last winter on the ice, I was with her. She was soaked, it was below freezing and I couldn't get her up. She didn't whine at all and kept calm until we got help. She's not afraid to die and she's never been to a doctor in her whole life. She says when the good Lord takes her, she'll go. My Mom on the other hand, is terrified of death and I'm always having to comfort her about it. It kind of sucks because we're all going to die. Aint no way out of it.
Does it start when you can only locate apple butter at dollar stores, not that I like apple butter cuz I really am not sure if I have ever seen it,...maybe Im looking at the wrong dollar store.
Crabbie, I know you hauled your sick mom around until the day she died and I know you miss her. You're a good shit and you deserve a break.
Oh, and I forgot the weirdest part, my mom is now drawing on crooked chola eyebrows. WTF is that about?
I should have read all of the post before I posted then I would have posted this with that...and FIRST and foremost I want to apologize for what I am about to type and I would like to blame it on my bitchy ass mood that I am usually in 28 days out of the month...FEBRUARY is FUDGED UP ohh I typed in all caps Im gonna be fired anyways...for those who come to you complaining of aches and pains and being afraid of dying Offer to take them through a dry run placing a pillow over there heads until they stop kicking.
Connie
My mums died last fall & never did any good. I seem to be losing my green thumb :( So no more flowers for me for a while. LMAO at your check day story. Gawd, how true that is!!! ER!!! haha just drop them off, they wont know what hit 'em!
rox
Apple butter looks like it came from those brown spotted rotten apples, Pat! Right? I guess it's good. I can't bring myself to eat it. My daughter loves it. I think it looks awful. Yuck!
Blackberry jam is my fav.
rox
Do you find yourself laughing at them, inside? Or do you get pissed? I think I would start off thinking they were a crack up & by the end of the adventure I'd be pissed & probably not speaking to them. Drop them off at the nursing home, save them the trouble of the emergency room. Straight to Piney Meadows! Sorry for the many comments, but I feel your pain girl! Trust me...
rox
my mother in law smacks her lips incessantly in the car. i swear i want to jump out while the cars moving its fucking constant.smack smack smack smack smack smack smack
LOL Connie. They just make me sick sometimes. I try to be patient, 'specially with my aunt, but, gowd. The conversations are torture to me.
5:43:00 why does she do that? Is there a medical reason or is she just loopy?
God that was a funny story. Sorry DD. I feel your pain. My MIL makes this clicking sound with her mouth when she's on edge or stressed out. Evidently she feels stressed out on a fairly frequent basis cause she's almost always making that sound when we stop in to visit. I just had a thought... maybe it's her son and I who are making her nervous? I just about go out of my mind listening to that annoying clicking sound. I sit there with my jaws clenched and can feel my blood pressure going up. I just want to snap but of course you can't do that with your MIL. She's really been pretty good to me but I sure can't stand that clicking noise.
Well how often does she come over?
If your mom is so competitive maybe you should constantly comment on how good you feel. That might keep her on her toes for a while.
First time poster (thanks to whichever psycho stalker on the interwebs that turned me on to your wonderful blog *thumbs up*) - Do you ever watch The Family Guy? There are a couple of different episodes where either Peter or Lois fall/stub a toe/whatever and do the SSSS/OOOOOH/OWWWWWW/AHHHHH thing for several minutes. Your post immediately made me giggle - maybe you can picture your mother as a fat cartoon man to keep yourself from whacking her upside the head : )
My mother in law has been drawing her eyebrows
on with a stencil type of kit she only puts them
on when she has to go out as well as her
false teeth. Idk why she saves those for special
ocasions ?! She can eat food fine without the
dentures I be seen her more over the last 27 years
without teeth and eyebrows than with. DD what
is a chola ? Kiki :)
Next time they start in just tell them they must be too sick to go out and turn the car around and drag their sorry asses home.
Still laffing!
What a great attention-getter when you don't feel like having a conversation.
Could you please post a pic of the eyebrows? Please?
God, I cannot WAIT to be old enough to start shaving off my eyebrows and drawing them back on.
I looooooooooooove apple butter. Can't find it around here since moving to Jersey, I have to have my mom buy some and ship it to me from MI. Totally worth it.
Warm toasted english muffin with a healthy spread of butter topped with and even healthier spread of apple butter.........YUMMM
LMAO x100 DD about the crooked chola eyebrows....hahahahahahahahaha
I HATE old people who complain all the time about how sick they are. I'm sorry, but if you're old, your body is not going to be in perfect health, and you need to fucking accept it. I was born with a bunch of shit wrong with my heart, have been sick my whole life. It kills me to hear somebody who's 80 years old and has lead a healthy life complain because he/she is no longer the picture of health. STFU! I haven't had a single day in my life when I was healthy and I'm only 28! Ugh!
Your pain is nothing compared to my mothers. Really. When I had a kidney stone she wanted one too.
Kiki, chola is a style favored by Latina girls, who shave their brows off and draw them back in. It's wicked looking on them, not on my old mom. It looks like she's insane.
LMFA Matilda & 5:43!!!! What a riot! Smack-smack...click-click. Gawd! Just give me a gun already so I can put you out of my misery! You guys kill me! I love it!!!
smack-click-smack-click...put them in a car together & let them have a conversation on their way to the Dollar General. Who can smack or click the loudest??! Smack-click...ROTFLMFAO!
And THATS why I stay away from my MIL...
DD, I will try and start a fund so you can get one of those cars, limo thing, where you can put them in the back seat, and roll up that window that goes in between the front and the back. Then I will also get you one of those cop car cage thingy to keep them in the back. You are a better person than I, I would have lost it a long time ago!
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