Q. Should I End My Child's Friendship With a Lonely Child? We have a 6-year-old son (Sam). My husband's best friend of 20 years and his wife have a 6-year-old son (Chris), a 3-year-old girl, and they lost a child (Mark) a few weeks after his birth eight years ago. The mother has tried to keep Mark's memory alive, with examples ranging from the power going out in a storm, to a sound in another room as "Mark saying hello or playing in the other room." She has the two younger kids speak to him as if he is there beside them, like a regular conversation. Mark's nursery is still set up and was never used, and she keeps a shrine to Mark that includes disturbing/graphic photos (after death and surgery photos) in her living room. This is getting worse/more extreme with time. Her family support her in this, and her husband and his family face her wrath (for weeks) when they voice concerns. Chris is having problems at school. Recently, during a storm the lights went out in class, and Chris started yelling and screaming at his brother to turn the lights on in front of the other kids. He also has these one-sided conversations in the classroom with "Mark."
Kids have now started to say things like, "Chris sees dead people" and call him "Creepy Chris." My son and Chris have been friends since birth, but Sam doesn't want to invite Chris to his upcoming birthday, yet Chris has attended every previous party. What should we do? I don't want my son to be uncomfortable or force him to continue the friendship (sadly he used to really enjoy Chris' company), but I can't help thinking about those poor kids.
A: Someone needs to intervene here because this mother sounds as if she has veered into mental illness and the whole family is coming undone because of it. Since your husband has been friends for years with the father, your husband needs to have a serious talk with the man and say his wife seems stuck in her grief and, unfortunately, it's having a devastating effect on the wonderful children they do have. If necessary, your husband—who must know the grandparents—should try to enlist their help. Tell your son you understand his discomfort with Chris, but that he's a great kid who's having a hard time and all of you have to be nice to him, not shun him. If you're around Chris when he makes a reference to Mark controlling the lights or some such, feel free to say: "Chris, that was just a power outage. It had nothing to do with Mark. Mark is gone and he doesn't control anything that's going on in your life. "
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Jebus! Someone needs to point out to that mom that dead people have a right to their own life. They are not around all the time to 'watch out' for anyone else. Why would a newborn turn lights off? That doesn't even make sense. She's really fucking up her living kids with this crap. She needs to come see me. I'd do it for free. I'll bet you anything I don't see Mark in her house or around her. At least she's not convinced that Chris is Mark reincarnated. You wouldn't believe how many times I've dealt with that. Sometimes you just have to be straight with people no matter how much they cry.
9 comments:
I can understand why this woman wants to keep her son's memory alive, but I agree DD that she is fucking her living kids up.
I lost my son, Christopher, when he was 5 months old in 2007. He came to me in a dream once to say that he was ok and that he was happy where he was. (Someone told me that you don't want a loved ones spirit to hang around after they die because it means they aren't happy - is that right?)
I now have a 10 month old daughter, Xelia, and whilst I don't say shit like that woman, we do say Hi to his photo in the morning and give him a wave.
Lets hope I am not messing my kid up too!
- Vanessa
You sound totally normal. I'm sorry about your son. I lost my son too and it sucks.
As for hanging around after death..every spirit is different. They're just people, after all. There are no set rules. I'm sure your dream was a message though. It was for you when you needed it.
Thanks DD - I actually found out I was pregnant (but later miscarried) the day after that dream. I think that was my message :)
I am sorry about your boy too. It does suck donkey's balls!
My little boy was very sick, so in a way his passing was a blessing (in a fucked up kinda way).
I kept a blog when he was alive, if you want to read it go to: cess.rejectreality.net.
Woah. I've read your site before. It broke my heart. Christopher was such a cutie. I'm sure he still is. It's just my personal belief that children grow up 'over there.' They have another life and they are loved and cared for. Yet, in some strange way, you don't lose that time with them forever. I can't explain it.
Families that carry on and allow this enabling to go on are doing serious psychological damage on their loved ones and family. The mother needs to let go. But to let go she needs to let is all go. Before any more damage is put on her son.
Vanessa its not healthy to keep a spirt alive just for your own satisfaction. Your doing everything correctly as a mum. A nice gesture of a hi in the morning is sufficed.
I've knew a co-worker who use to celebrate her deceased sons birthday and tie it in with her alive son. She reminds me of this woman. Just in a toned down way.
Fawn.
It's sort of strange that I've read Christopher's site before. I guess I was looking for people that knew how I felt. Vanessa, how did you find me?
He is a cutie, and his sister is almost like his twin in a girlie way. I have some pics on Facebook, which I am not sure I can link to here.
http://www.facebook.com/vanessa.work if you want to add me and have a gander.
Thanks Fawn, it's a nice routine for Xelia and I. She smiles and laughs at him as she waves.
She will always have a Little Big Brother.
DD - I can't remember how I found you, I think I came across your blog by accident and RSS fed it, because I enjoyed reading it.
Not sure how you read my blog before - might just be one of those things....
You are Brave Moms. Your stories help me be a little more grateful for the rodeo that is getting ready for the bus this morning.
Everyone has to deal with death in their own way. This mom in the letter needs to keep it her OWN. Something/someone will hopefully help her realize how wrong this is for the rest of the family that's alive.
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