SandHumper is so strange....WTF?

Camila: "Hey, I'm throwing on my rubber diving suit with the ruffles! You know what that means!

SandHump: " Yeah, bro! Walkin' the kid! Let me just grab my galvanized tub full of loofahs."

Camila: Yo, ready? Don't forget to tie a punching bag to the bottom of the stroller!"

SandHump: "Got it, let's roll, Levi!"

Bitchy Lou gets a new boy friendy poo

Michelle Williams is dating director Spike Jonze......OMG! OMFG it's only been 7 months since Heath died. OMFG! Shut the fuck up. They were separated before he died, doesn't anyone remember that shit? Gawd, damn I hate loser opinions that aren't mine. Heh. Bitchy Lou was lucky Heath Ledger ever looked at her. She has a telletubby for a stylist, the worst haircut in the history of Hollyweird and she bites her scraggy dirty nails. And to those of you who want to bitch about what I just said, remember she's the one who shut down her own fan site where they worshipped her silly ass because she didn't like the pictures. Waaaaaa! So Bitchy Lou it is. Heath Ledger must have been real high when he woke up with her. So bite me.

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She like Spike Jonze because..what, he directs movies no one but crabbie watches and HE bitches about them? He has shaggy hair, doesn't own a razor..oh wait, he's NOT dead. That's big on Bitchy Lous list. As for Spike, he can close his eyes at night and pretend he's Heath Ledger in the bat cave or somethin'. Dumbass people I don't care about. Where's Matilda?

Ugly husband of ugly wife says dumb things

Chris Martin, father of Apple and Moses, says: "There is nothing weird about calling your baby Chewbacca if that's what you want to call your baby. It's no stranger than Sarah. A name is just a noise."
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Nu, uhh, wanker. Why do I think him and Gwyneth Peepal just spend their evenings grinding hairless donuts and thinking up ways to mess with their kids? I want him to change his name to Fart. It's just a noise.

Miley Cyrus doing some things

So, Miley isn't so sweet. She's been making fun of Selena Gomez on You Tube and is mad because Disney is said to be grooming Selena to be the next Miley and Miley gets all snippy and she's all, like, aint no other Miley. Snap. Then everyone knows she's a bitch and then more pics come out. Miley humping some ugly red faced boy on a couch wiff genu-wine sateene pillows, so close a couple of zits popped on each of them. Dontcha love those Disney kids?
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Oh, I ignored the best part (this week)..Miley telling interviewers what she looks for in a man. Guess what, Miley-Poo? YO... YO YO..I don't give a shit what a silly 15 year old kid is looking for in a relationship. Woe to those who do. Yawn.

Clementine Hawk comes home

Ethan Hawke married his kid's former nanny, Ryan Shawhughes and they just had a baby..Clementine Jane. I just kept ignoring the photos. I just couldn't stand them for some reason. There's gotta be a joke there about the Legally Blond sign on the cab....wait, the cab. That's what bothered me. What a sad way to go home on such a big day. It looks lonely and...sad. I have nothing else to say. I am uncomfortable looking at this. Weird, huu?

Lourdes traumatized by gossip

The screaming tabloid headlines about Madonna and A-Rod have severely traumatized her daughter Lourdes. That's what dad, Carlos Leon says. He also says there's no truth to the divorce rumors between Madonna and Guy. How the fuck does he know? Is Madonna required to call up some guy she used to hump and explain her marriage to him? And who's paying him to suck her ass anyhow? Oh, wait, she is. Okay, lost my train of dork there for a second. So sorry Lourdes is "traumatized", buy her a jet plane or an island in the Bahamas. She'll feel better soon. Asshole.

JenAJon sneaking around

Aniston trying to sneak out of Mayers Bev Hills house Thursday. They put on their impassive faces. She's really good at that face. How close are the paps? Do they hide in his garage and crawl under cars or what? At least Mayer walked her out, that's love. They are so getting married. And having babies. Babies that don't look like baboons assholes. They might name one Baboons Asshole though. That'd be Mayers idea. Little Baboons Asshole Aniston Mayer. I'm knitting booties right now.

What's up Julia Roberts and Danny Moder?

Hmm, whenever I see a married celeb couple with three kids smootching it up in public I wonder what's up. It always looks like damage control to me. What? You say they just love each other? Fool! Innocent fool! Public shlurping, orange handbag, pink sweater...note the hand on his shirt, subtle control. She is the master. He is the puppet. Ahhh, what is the story, who's zoomin' who? 'Member that song by Aretha? Who's zoomin' whoooo, take another look, tell me babeee..shut up. No. Shut up. No. Opps, skitzo moment. Who are we talking about?

What about Elisabeth Moss?

Last night the cable was out, so I watched some old movies. I watched Girl Interrupted again after many years. What a good movie that was, right? Anyhow, this time I refused to be hypnotized by Angelina Jolie and concentrated on the background players. I said to myself "Who is burned crazy girl? She's good and familiar too, hmm." She is Elisabeth Moss. She is also Peggy on Mad Men..I love her in that. Some good actors get ignored because they don't have DUI's and shave their heads and pop out in vitro kids every five seconds. Too bad, huu? She's very cool. I'm sorry, Elisabeth that I never even knew your name while I know what brand of cigs Britney smokes. I'll try and do better. And no, I never watched West Wing. Sorry.

Ha ha!

And THAT is why birth control was invented.

Meg Ryan convincingly fat

Meg pretending to be hefty, filming My Mom's Hot Boyfriend. Antonio Banderas is in it too. Either Meg plays a slob or Melanie Griffith went off her noodle and made Antonio put it in his contract that he can only work with fat chicks. Bla, bla, like I care. Just hire a fat chick. Geez.

Sheryl Crow's bella bullshit

Sheryl Crow is "setting rumors straight" about her saying she was going to make a record or join Fleetwood mac. "No, that was those 'Rumours' -- to quote the album," she joked Wednesday, referring to the group's 1977 hit album. Yeah? I looked it up, she told the AOL music Web site Spinner, last spring, that she and the band "definitely have plans for collaborating in the future, and we'll see what happens."

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She didn't tell Fleetwood Mac she wants to steal their stuff, I guess.

Heath Ledger continues to pull me in

Heath was so into The Joker character he made a list of what The Joker would find funny. First on the list? AIDS. I'm still not going to see it..it's just not my kind of film and I know I won't miss anything..but, him. His mind sure was fascinating, wasn't it?

Sienna Miller needs a twat double

Hippie Hippie Shake producers decided Sienna didn't have enough pubic hair to accurately represent the 60's and a merkin wouldn't do, so they digitally enhanced her pubes giving her a wild bush. You know what? I wanted to see this, but, if her pubes are such a concern, I doubt the movie will be worth two cents. "Historically accurate" twat is something I never wanted to hear critics discuss. She looks pretty here though, bush or not. Hollywood is so stupid sometimes.

Depp..FuckOff Island

While Brad and Angelina fight with the paps and call lawyers on their French estate, Johnny Depp just said ta hell with it and bought a reclusive place in the Bahamas which he calls FuckOff Island. He moved Vanessa and their kids there and also bought half a mil worth of solar power equipment so he doesn't deal with anybody unless HE wants too. And THAT'S how you do it.

Remember Little Lotta?

I can't mention comics without thinking of this one..Lotta was supposed to be one of the first non stereotypical characters for us shallow little skinny girls, but, everything funny about Lotta revolved around her weight. It wasn't funny and sent me right back to spend my 12 cents on Lulu, Betty and Veronica, Miss Boop, Super Girl, Lois Lane, and Lana Lang. Poor fat Lotta. Ignore me, I'll be off on something else in a minute..I think I have ADD.

Stupid shirt

Salma Hayek going to the doctor, speculate, speculate. Salma Hayek is NOT marrying her French richer than God ugly old boy friend, fine..bla bla..but, don't call that shirt "Little Lulu." That's Betty Boop with a page boy. Little Lulu was a whole different thang. It was my childhood fascination with idiot girl comics that drove me to art school. YOU HAVE A STUPID SHIRT! Whatcha want to bet it was made in China? Heh.

Hot Dita

Found these recent Dita Von pics and I'd never seen her in anything but her vintage 50's American look, so I had to put them on here. Very pretty..maybe it's time to retire the not so nouveau Bettie Page?

Winehouse contrast

Tussaud's wax Amy vs. the real Amy last night. I loved that. Switching the joint for a mic, I get..why did they lighten her tats? That's the least of her problems.

Jolie ordered to gain weight for next film

Reports floating around the net that Angie has been cast in The Thomas Crown Affair, it's called The Topkapi Affair and the producers want her to gain about 30 pounds because they don't want her all skinny like she has been. I don't care to go much further into that, because she's big as a house right now, and who cares? I want to know why she's taking on these crappy film roles? The Topkapi Affair??? Get the fuck outta here. You know that's going to flop like a fish. Love her or hate her..you must admit the woman is mesmerizing on screen. Where are the juicy Jolie rolls she was so good at? The evil queen, the suicidal models, the crazy sociopaths? This is where she shines, where we can't take our eyes off her. Since she met Brad all she does is stupid boring shit. Wait, Beowulf was good, but, she had a bit part and was digitally animated. That's the best she can get now? Sigh..I may not be some big Hollywood producer, director or her agent, but, she's being wasted. Has having Brad and six kids fried her brain as far as her career goes? I'm still waiting for The Changeling, but, I think we all know how that's going to turn out, right? Marianne Pearl, cough. Gimmie an Oscar, cough. Brad owned the rights, cough.

I don't give a fuck..I hate China

China. Fucking China. They can build stuff like this, but, many of the people still eat dog. They are taking dog off the menus for the Olympics though, so other countries don't get offended. Like stupid Americans. What's the difference, it's just meat? No, I thought about it hard. A cow doesn't give a rats ass about you. A pig in a poke will eat you first given the chance. But, dogs have no purpose in life but to love you unconditionally and spend their life trying to please you. That's why you don't eat dogs. Don't hand me any shit about ignorance or traditions. Only cruel cold hearts would eat a dog by choice because you can look in a damn dogs face and see what they are which is NOT FOOD. I'm not sticking one of those horrible dog market pics on here to prove my point either, they make me sick. I don't hate you if you're Asian, don't start that retarded crap..I hate China. YOU DON'T EAT DOGS, MORONS! I'm not backing down or apologising for this post either. No, I will not. Fuck off, China. Keep your lead covered toys and Christmas lights too, assholes.

And David Duchovny's on here because..

I want to hump him. There's no other reason. X-Files movie, pffft. Duchovny humping me. Uh hu.

Gillian Anderson at “The X-Files

I was going to title this "She already has an Oscar" because she has a toddler named Oscar, then I realized how lame I really am. She also has a 13 yr old daughter, Piper. This one belongs to Fox Mulder. Okay, I made that up. But, it should. I can't let go of the dream, alright?

Pancake titties

Flap jacks anyone? Maggie just can't get it right.

Speaking of Coco...

Oh, that is So not right. Drum stick legs. Fat short Thanksgiving turkey drumsticks. When will they change the name of this mag from Dime Piece to Ten Cent Ho?

Body Rock TV ass...are you kidding me?

Her name's Susana, I don't know what her face looks like. I do know why men read Hollywood Tuna now. Mercy! Coco is going to kill herself now. I keep looking for the Mattel mold mark on Susana's butt. Now tossing my toast and jam in the trash. Now looking through the trash..it's still good!

JenAJon making me queasy

Friends say Mayer and Aniston say "I love you" and want a small intimate wedding. Blowing smoke, important source? I say they will get married. No one believes me. I don't care. I do care that they are becoming sickeningly cute. Her ring tone is one of his tunes, when she calls him the ring plays Pretty Woman. Oh, man. It gets worse..he calls her Tushy because of her squeezable ass. She calls him Mayo because he likes mayonnaise on his sammies. Get hitched already..stop this madness. I bouta frow up, mayo and tushy.

The truth about THE TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how they know this stuff, but, they usually do. They must pay off medical staff to get files. They knew it was twins before Jack Black blabbed it. In Vitro is not a pleasant procedure. I can't imagine why parents who have 4 kids already would do this. More Brad news..he's mad and suing over invasion of privacy over THESE pics I was too lazy to post. It's okay with me if the paps leave them alone for awhile. I'm bored with rich people with national parks for yards, 37 bathrooms and kids popping out their ass every 5 minutes.

Amy in wax

Mitch and Janis Winehouse showed up for the unveiling of Wineruns wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Amy failed to show because she thought she already WAS there. Dirt, filth, blood, open sores and Popsicles..not included.

That mole isn't the only thing SJP needs to get rid of

I was ignoring the Matthew Broderick cheats on SJP rumors because they seemed so ridic. I mean, they say he cheated on her with a woman. That seemed far fetched to me, but, the gossip seems to carry some shred of truth as there are several witnesses. *Multiple eye witnesses say they saw Matthew make late-night visits to the other woman's apartment building. During one tryst, they arrived at her friend's apartment after a night of heavy drinking, says a source. She dragged Matthew into the friend's bedroom, then shut the door. "A half hour later, Matthew opened the bedroom door, mumbled 'Well... 'bye!' and walked out. The friend found her passed out on the bed in her panties."*

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Maybe these two have some "understanding"?? Beats the crap outta me, I've always thought their marriage was one of Hollywood's oddest, but, they stay together. Their secrets just can't be all that interesting. When Carrie Bradshaw ends up with Ferris Bueller..well, come on. No one wants to pry because it's dull.

Sherri Shepard backtracks

Sherri called Bawbwa and told her she was sorry for wanting to "save her"....Babs told her she was already in Heaven and it's called Paris. About the abortions she can't count..She said the full quote was that she had suffered a lot of shame and guilt and that “a wonderful woman at one of the women’s conferences I speak at came to me and said, ‘Sherri, you know when you get to heaven all your babies are going to be there saying, ‘Hi momma.”and it just kind of freed me and I knew that Jesus had forgiven me.

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I'm confused, was the fan at the conference Jesus in disguise? I'll tell you what, people..you want me not to touch this? Really??? AGGGGGGGG!

SandHumpers personal trainer scares me

Thinking.....Gawd, she could crush your whole body into slime with those ab muscles. Make you shit your pants with the arms...yikes. Feel guilty. Wonder if sitting here all morning can cause roids? Takes another bite of Fruit Loops. Look at her neck! Eeee, can crusher. Feeds a Loop to the rat. Takes another bite. Feels guilty again. Lifts arms a couple of times. Owch. Reaches for the lighter. Puff, puff, studies the photo some more. SandHumper happy? Fails to register how anyone can like this. Decides they're gross and makes toast. With jam. Sugarless jam. My life is changed. I'm just like them. See?

Kid Crap wants his bimbo chip removed

Kid can't shut up about Pammie...."My greatest regret? Well, she knows who she is. "If I could change one thing about myself, it would be to lose the bimbo attractor chip that God must have placed in me at birth." and .."What can I say? I was in love with the chick. Did I think the marriage would last? Yes, I honestly thought it would. I was that much of an idiot, that f***ing blind."

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No one else thought it would last. Perhaps removing his idiot chip would be a better choice.

The National Enquirer is busy

I keep forgetting Pris Pres had another kid, what is his name? Some Indian-like name, Navaho? Sierra Leone? Let me look it up..Navarone, I was close. So, Navarone not only has a goofy spaghetti western name, but, his career choice is different than Lisa Marie, but, I'll bet he grows bud better than she sings. At least someone wants to buy his product. The headline screams "LISA MARIE'S SECRET SHAME"....uhh, yeah. Pffft. His secret shame is drying out his bud. Dude..don't let it get all dry, the moisture adds some juicy weight to the bags. You gotta up your profit. Dang..someone has to tell these kids everything. This is going to break Pissilla's face, err, heart.

Old Lynne Spears gossip

source
Go back to 1975, Lynne Spears was driving her brother to the hospital because he'd had some injury that needed medical attention, in her haste she hit a 12 year old boy who was riding his bike in Kentwood, La. The little boy died. Lynne does not want to talk about it. No shit. Put that in your parenting book, Lynne. I'm sure the dead kid's parents will want a couple of copies.

Critic takes on Mad Men

Oh, I could go on about this show forever. I'll try not to. Geeeminy Crimis,it's creepy, but, I have to keep watching because it's so well done. Men in 1960 still had that 50's mentality where women were beneath them and woe to the woman who didn't keep herself up. Scorn and disgust for women who ate and worked. They do it so well. It makes me mad, sad, disgusted and sickened. We were just talking about sexisim on another post so it made me think of this TV show. I am so over sexisim in real life. If you deal with it, well, don't. If you know men like this, (and who doesn't?) don't deal with them. If they are your boss, get a new job. They can't be cured. There was a time when I thought I hated all men because of guys like this..now I know they aren't like this anymore, there's just a few stupid hold outs and you have to ignore them and avoid them. We are not better than men and they are not better than us. I don't need to tell you that. We are all people, all different, all capable of being better to each other.
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There's a character named Peggy on this show. Peggy is bright and hard working and they steal her ideas and make money for the ad company and make fun of her because she gained 20 pounds. And hasn't found a husband so she can quit work yet. The cruelty is so bad it's evil. But, it's true. THIS is what women in my mothers generation delt with. This show makes me cry like no tear jerker ever could. I'm so glad times have changed and men have been raised better. And women too...now we know what we're worth and what we can do. And we can have a sandwich too.

Justin Timberlake doing Britney a favor

Because TimberTard is such a nice gut he's willing to do a duet with Britney to boost HER image. You know what? I've had enough of this guy thinking he's better than her. I know more of her songs than I care to admit..I know NONE of his. Except that sexy back shit. Which isn't that sexy. Just recently he did a costume change on stage at an awards show where he whipped off a Velcro track suit and looked (to me) like he was making fun of Britney's famous strip at the music awards a few years back. He constantly makes jokes about her and offers dumbass advice to her on vid. He writes songs about her, he's just looking obsessed. She refused his help awhile back during some pretty bad times. He needs to get over her and leave her the fuck alone. She doesn't need his lame ass anyhow..she just needs to go back to work and stop acting like a fool, which she seems to be trying to do. I am so sick of him. She seems over him too..take a hint, TimberTard, you aint all that. Go home to you body builder boy friend, Biel and let Britney get on with things. Gawd!

Another nobody tired of not getting any attention

The whiny Kardashian, Kourtney can't figure out why that stupid Khloe and Kim get all the paps so she flashes some Armenian poon. It's so deliberate, you don't wear those kind of panties if you aren't planning on flashing the goods. Now she can go home and whine about the pics and Her mom can call a lawyer. Bruce will say "you have to consider the medias perceptions of you, Kourtney" and then he will pull his face skin back and hold it to his hair line with clothes pins. And Kourtney will call a meeting to tell her loser boy friend who will threaten suicide because everyone saw his girl friends crotch. Kim will cry about when it happened to her and how it was even worse because she's so famous and Khloe will tell everyone to get the stick out of their ass and she'll try and finger Kourt (in fun..ha ha) on camera. Kylie and Kendal will show their baby pannies to their brothers adult friend who will film it for Girls Gone Wild the pedo version. In the end, they will come together as a family and it will work out better than any Seventh Heaven episode. Because that show didn't have whores, and whores are fun! It can be a whole episode!

Marla Maples isn't done yet..LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!

So, let me get this straight..Marla stopped pretending to date Andy Baldwin because she found out he has a microscopic weener under his speedo, The Donald is no longer required to send her alimony, she lost her house and now lives at the beach. Her wardrobe consisits of two bikinis an American flag, a pair of short shorts and a crop tank and the truckload of sand in her vagina. That and two cents will get your photo in The Sun.

Where's the parade?

I'm sick and tired of trying to spell these Gyllen-Fucks names. Screw it. Maggie looks like a flag girl in the local parade, except my daughters flag girl jumpsuit was a better fit. This thing is so bad it looks like her toddler made it in kindy-home ec. With glaucoma. And during a seizure. You should really get that kid checked, Maggie. You can click that pick to see how bad it really is.

Katie Price tells us all what we already knew

First Jordan said every other writer in the world was jealous of her and her best sellers. Now she admits she doesn't write them..

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“I’m not going to lie, I don’t sit there with a typewriter and write it, of course I don’t,” she said.
“I don’t have time to do that. I say how I want the storyline to be, each chapter is done, I read through it change it and then it goes away to be written."

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She's busy, people! If she sat around penning best sellers all day who would get boob jobs, shop with sick babies, get drunk and fall down and show their cootch? Her stylist hates her too, obviously. "Here, wear this, Katie, you'll look pwetty! No, really!" It looks like an ostrich is giving birth to an asshole.

fugly contest..no winner

You stole my hair! (In unison.)