Suri hides from the paps

I think it sad when someone who'd only been in the world for 2 and a half years learns to shield herself from the constant paps in her face 24/7. All the Katie loons will defend her and Tom for this crap saying it's not their fault. Then who's fault is it? Why does this kid have to be drug out and paraded around every single day of her life?

OMG

Crabbie's in fine form today. You just have to click HERE to see what I'm laughing about. I think I just peed myself.

More confusing messages from PETA

I think most fans of Jenna Jameson will see her naked and the red word SEX and that'll be enough to send them to the adult vid store with their cash looking for this movie. I don't think anyone will be moved to spay and neuter pets so the intent is...lost. You've got a pregnant porn star (Jenna is expecting her first child now) and the word SEX...real intelligent PETA. I'll wager a bet that most people who don't spay and neuter have no clue who Jenna Jameson is and the rest of us don't care.

Three used up blondes traded for a brunette?

I'm lovin' this story..according to those who know, Hef has fallen head over heels for a new woman, a brunette named Dasha Astafieva. Dasha (yeah, she DOES look like Megan Fox) is a Ukranian model and her and Hef have become more that chums. She was invited to the mansion to take part in the competition for the cover of the NY issue and charmed Hef's socks off. Since then he's been seen going here and there with Dasha, holding hands, cuddling and even goes with her and sits while she does photo shoots. We all know he doesn't get out of bed when the blonds have photo shoots. He looks at the pics on a computer later, says "that's lovely", air kisses and goes back to the TV. All the blonds are upset because Dasha might bring the gravy train to a halt, but, no one is more furious than Holly, who want's to marry Hef and have his baby. What do you want to bet that Dasha ends up on the show? She looks like a girl next door to me, heh. I would kill for the episode where Holly is packing up her cotton candy hair extensions and yappy dogs. Words out that Dasha is already living in the mansion by invitation of Hef himself. Ohhhh, how juicy.

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Check out before and after shots of Holly's plastic surgery..here.

Cover rip off

Kate Hudson in this Septembers issue of W compared with Nadja Auermann '94 Bazaar just proved some body's actually looking at this crap to even notice the unoriginal poop. It looks nothing like Kate Hudson anyhow, they fail to realize any appeal she has is based on her being the cute girl next door type. W's take on her looks more like Kate Moss, adding to the confusion. Oh, I just realized W put "and you thought she was the girl next door" in the title. No, I really didn't, I just thought you had a photo shop addict working on your staff. Heavy on the softening tool much? If I had a retarded cover award, they'd get it.

Rest In Peace..Bernie Mac

This time it's true and his rep has released a statement. "Actor/comedian Bernie Mac passed away this morning from complications due to pneumonia in a Chicago area hospital," his publicist, Danica Smith, said in a statement from Los Angeles.

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The news is just sad this morning and this is the saddest news of all. My heart goes out to his family and so many of us will miss Bernie Mac. "I came from a place where there wasn't a lot of joy," Mac told the AP in 2001. "I decided to try to make other people laugh when there wasn't a lot of things to laugh about."

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You sure made me laugh, Bernie, rest in peace. Bernie Mac was only 50 years old.

Paul Newman, sad news

Paul has finished his chemo treatments and has told his family he wants to die at home and not in a hospital. He gave his favorite car, a Ferrari, to a close friend and has made other plans that upset his wife, Joanne Woodward and their three daughters because they know it means the end is near. Paul and Joanne have been married since 1958. He also has two other daughters from a previous marriage. This "weeks to live" story came from a source at The Mail, and I hope it's not true, but, let's face it..when you're 83 you should start planning for your death, even if you don't have lung cancer, which sadly, he does. I felt bad hearing this, Newman has done many good things, he was nominated 10 times for Academy Awards and won one and he's active in charity work. It isn't a bad legacy to leave. I wish him well and hope he has more than "a few weeks" left.

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You can find his website Newman's Own HERE, the proceeds from his food products has raised over $250 million dollars so far for various charities.

Beyonce, black and white

Black, white, blond, brunette, married, single..what's the difference? She's still a cunt.

Sam turned 31....

Sam Ronson celebrated her 31st birthday last night and The Blow has bruises on her thigh. I'll let you figure out what Sam's present was, but, here's a hint. It smelled like freckled fish.

Clay Aiken's looking pleased because..

His friend and record producer Jaymes Foster gave birth to their son today. The baby is named Parker Foster Aiken and he weighed in at 6 lbs., 2 oz. and 19" long. Congrats to them both and rejoice Claymates!

Jewel got married

The singer and her longtime boyfriend, rodeo champion Ty Murray, eloped to the Bahamas and exchanged vows in a private ceremony Thursday night.
“She wore a traditional wedding gown, while Ty wore his favorite blue jeans, white shirt and cowboy hat,” says Jewel’s rep. “The couple is very happy and look forward to enjoying their honeymoon.”

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Yeah, yeah, I hope they're happy too, but, no one anywhere is saying what we're all thinking. She married a retarded cowpoke who looks like he's been kicked in the face by a mule and now someone has to tie tin cans to the back of the short bus as they ride off to the "special" place for the honeymoon. A place where everyone uses jumbo crayons, claps with the back of their hands and wears drool bibs. I mean, congrats. Yeah.

Sandhumpers baby mama has a handbag line

Camila Alves has a new line of bags launched at Kitson's (where else, right?) and she looks great after giving birth to Matthew McConaughey's baby, Levi just a month ago. I love the design on the front and the color, but, hate the whip stitching and fringe. But, I'll give her credit for coming up with something a bit original. Who knows what celebs and celeb spouses really "design?" Not a bad effort though, nice she has something to fall back on besides humongous child support checks..just in case. The line is called MUXO and refers to a goddess of the water in an African legend. Nothing about that bag says Africa to me and she's Brazilian so don't ask me wtf. She's with SandHump, it's all confusing and makes me wonder where the surf board purse is.

Turns out it's not that complicated at all

Convinced that the entire world was talking about her, Denise Richards went on reality TV to "set the record straight." It must have been a blow to find out no one was talking about her, but, her. It seems no one was "up her ass." Her show will not be picked up for a second season despite the fact that we got to watch her pigs hump and poo in her kitchen and hear her whine "I'm faaaaaat!" Even accusing Charlie Sheen of molesting his children..again..didn't bring in the audience. A judge threw out the accusation as baseless, by the way. Her whole life is baseless. Maybe her kids will learn to smile again..someday. Or maybe Bravo will pick up the former E show and retitle it "Denise Richards, I'm Constipated."

Katie sets trends then bails

A slow celeb week prompted 50,000 photos of Katie Holmes wearing the now famous rolled up jeans look. Fashion houses immediately brought out copies for the common folk and just as everyone was typing in their credit card number, Katie decides to wear them unrolled. Turns out they're Toms old jeans and maybe it's all she packed for NY. Maybe her shopping chip is malfunctioning. It's okay though, Tom is wearing her underpants. Dear Fashion Houses..may we please have the UNrolled look in skanky baggy dirty old mans pants too? I have two hundred bucks burning a hole in my leggings pocket and I worship celebrity idiots. Don't you?

Julia Roberts walks her dog in Malibu

Who knew she has such a cool dog? It reminded me to click the animal charity link on here. You can help animals for free just by clicking it. Go ahead and do it, unless you have a really slow connection, then you're excused, but, otherwise just click HERE and you'll feel better about yourself today knowing you did one good thing. Oh, you DO have to click one more time to give to needy animals after you get there. It's so hard, huu? I wonder how much we can raise for the animals in one day of clicking? Don't forget to come back once you've done your good deed.

The worlds sexiest woman (next to Alba)

I had this dream that Eva LongWhoria wasn't sexy at all. It was a fun dream, I hope I have it again. It was like that dream where I thought she loved cooking Mexican food and I got called a bigot, then wondered why it's bigoted to think Mexicans sometimes eat Mexican food. But, that was a dream too...can you imagine? Thinking I'd been to Mexico and it was full of Mexicans who ate Mexican food. Duh me, someone must have slipped me some acid. There is no Mexico and LongWhoria is the hottest woman alive. Obviously my delusions are caused by jealousy of her beauty.

Buy my crap

Size 15 shoes aren't enough, now ParAss is launching her hand bag collection in Denmark. Poor Denmark. Hilton: “I think it’s all about confidence. That’s why my new handbag line is called Confidence. It’s important just to feel in that way and to know and believe in yourself, and everything is possible.”

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You have to hand her one thing, she IS confident. She's confident people still pay attention to her and buy her crap. I hope those toggles are decorative, have you ever gotten stuck at the check out line behind those stupid women with designer bags they can't open? First they contemplate the toggle, search for their glasses, fumble the toggle through the hole, flip the leather piece over the obnoxious double straps, separate the obnoxious double straps so they can bumble around with the safety zipper and finally look inside to discover 14 zippered compartments which they have no idea what to do with. You stand there forever waiting to die while they dig through it all, zipping and unzipping, snapping and hunting. Just when you think it's over, they have to put it all back. If they're writing a check or have coupons, you wish you'd brought a folding lawn chair and your funeral plans.

Miley on 17

Miley did Seventeen, but, she's only fifteen...and she must have started dating at thirteen or younger because the interview she gave went like this..
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“We (Her and Nick Jonas) became boyfriend and girlfriend the day we met. He was on a quest to meet me, and he was like, ‘I think you’re beautiful and I really like you.’ And I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh, I like you so much,’” Cyrus reveals.
The 15-year-old Hannah Montana star said she and Nick dated for two years and “were in love with each other.”
“Nick and I loved each other. We still do, but we were in love with each other. For two years he was basically my 24/7. But it was really hard to keep it from people. We were arguing a lot, and it really wasn’t fun,” she said.
Miley said she was heartbroken after she and Nick split at the end of 2007. “At first I bawled for a month straight,” she says. “I was so sad. I just went into this weird funk. And I dyed my hair black.”
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This kid seriously has no parental guidance. Would you let your 13 year old date? Her parents need their ass kicked if you ask me.

Madonna pooped herself

Christopher recalling an incident on Madonna's '93 tour.."All of us look at Madonna, then each other, then at Madonna again. We noticed that she has pooped in her "Dita" outfit and think she is dead."

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But, apparently Madonna is not dead, just humiliated on her brothers blog. That must be where the Erotica part of the tour came in.

Suri loves Broadway!!!

Here's news for all you shlubs who write quips for NYC publications....Suri doesn't give a shit about Broadway, she can't speak French, she doesn't have a favorite eatery, and she's not into jazz and concert pianists...she's little kid who sucks a gummy nipple all day and craps her drawers. The only reason she wasn't kicked out of The Little Mermaid was because it was The Little Mermaid. That's full of perv, kids and old queens who dream of dressing in a shiny tails. And her dad can buy the theatre.

So, Brody Jenner and a parrot walk into a bar..

..and the bartender says "Where'd you get that ugly thing?" And the parrot says "Off Bromance and isn't that the gayest title of a reality show you ever heard from a supposedly hetro man in your life?" "What a cocksucker! Squaaaak!"
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Note: Quotes from parrot were exact.

Former child star out with her kid

I can't wait 'till she trades that thing for a hook necked gourd or a pumpkin with a face painted on it. Fall's coming. Does anyone follow Screech around anymore, or is it just kids with two names?

The world has a man shortage

Kate Hudson has to go out with her kid now because the world is temporarily out of men. More men will be delivered tomorrow.

Kids love ParAss Hilton

Hi cutie, wanna buy some shoes? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Angleina and Brad plan Zahara's future..

I love this one..Angelina Jolie was asked by Hello mag about her future projects.. Angie: "We will be building a TB/AIDs clinic in Ethiopia. One we plan for Zahara to take over when she is older."
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That's ballsy, does she have a crystal ball? Get a job, Zahara, you lazy toddler.

The Gosselin's..a sham?

I'm not supposed to blog about this according to some readers here, but, I will anyhow, because this is one of the shows I watch. When someone has a hit TV show they become celebrities. Jon and Kate and their 8 kids are celebs with major celeb benefits. In this article from the Enquirer some of the Gosselin's motives are questioned and you have to wonder what they make by raising their family on television. It doesn't take a genius to know why Juicy Juice is in my face while I watch the show. It's called product placement, but, what am I not seeing? I did some research and found out that most of the article seems true. Kate does have a gardener, nannies, stylists, a personal organic chef, housekeepers and the couple enjoys free vacations, transportation, accommodations, clothes, sportswear and equipment and they also do public speaking engagements for $25,000 a pop, frequently. They get free plastic surgery and hair plugs as well as some medical treatments. This is in addition to a huge salary from the show.

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I like finding out how reality shows work and what is real and what's not. It seems Kate has been scamming us for awhile with her "we're so poor" act. Jon says he's a web designer, but, his desk is in the family closet and no where on the net could I find any company affiliated with him in any way. Interesting. I wouldn't work either if I had a TV show, but, I wouldn't lie about it. You can click HERE to make that article bigger so you can read it. But, the most interesting site on the family and their show is HERE it's called Gosselin's Without Pity. Not everyone in the world is enamored of these parents and it's good reading.

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Be sure and click on "Top Three Topics" to read synopsis and comments by readers there. It's good to know other people are seeing what I see and questioning it all. To those of you who don't care..ever heard of skipping something you don't like? Suck it up, I like the show. It beats hell outta watching Denise Richards breeding pigs or Ali Lohan pretending she's can sing and that her mom isn't a crank whore.

Congrats to the Bice's

Congrats to Bo Bice and his wife, Caroline who just gave birth to the cute couples second son. The baby's name is Caleb. The Bice's also have a three year-old son, Aiden.

MK is off the hook

Mary-Kate Olsen is not going to testify to any grand jury or anyone else and it has nothing to do with the fact that she has more money then God. The DEA screwed up the investigation into Heath Ledgers death, basically they got too big for their britches and too involved in the fame of the case wasting time and money flying all over the country talking to and threatening people who weren't in any way involved. The U.S. Attorney's office has shut the whole investigation down..case closed. Now we can go back to wondering what hideous outfit MK will be wearing next.

Morgan Freeman will be alright, but, his wife isn't

Freeman is recovering from the injuries he sustained in that car crash which included a broken arm, broken elbow and shoulder injuries..but, Freeman and his wife, Myrna Colly-Lee are getting a divorce.

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Morgan's attorney and business partner Bill Luckett: "And for legal and practical purposes, [Freeman and Colley-Lee] have been separated since December of 2007."

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The female passanger in Freemans car the night of the crash has been called "a friend," but, when his lawyer describes their split as something for "legal and practical" purposes I think we all get the picture. Morgan and Myrna have been married for 24 years. I guess he really is a free man now.

Paps VS Kidman

No photographs of little Sunday Rose have been released and Keith Urban says he and his wife, Nicole Kidman have no intentions of selling any. The couple says they understand the interest in their child, but, have asked paps not to flash cameras in her face. Nicole recently told radio station 2Day FM she and husband Keith Urban needed to be left alone “so we can walk around Sydney and show the baby our town”.

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Nicole pleaded: "She’s tiny. She’s not a doll. She’s a like a real little thing. Just [don’t photograph] right in her face or in our faces because it’s scary for her. She’s tiny, a tiny little thing."

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Keith said that photographers should not get "right in her face or in our faces because it’s scary for her"..."I get the interest there is. But at the same time it’s our little girl."

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That's a very nice way to try and handle the problem, but, let's see if paps actually give a crap that they are scaring a tiny baby. They should, but, they probably won't. On the other hand saying they'd like to "show the baby their town" is odd. What month old newborn wants to see the town?

Shia may lose a finger

Shia Lebouf may lose a pinky finger due to the injuries he sustained in the crash that mangled his hand. If he does, he will join a select group of famous people missing fingers. Did you know Splash actress Daryl Hannah wears a prosthetic finger in movies? Uh hu, she's missing part of her index finger. Also famed guitarist Jerry Garcia lost a finger when he was four. Gary Bughoff (Radar on Mash) had several deformed fingers which were hidden in the show by clipboards and other props. Telly Savalas, Kojack was also missing a finger as was James Doohan (Scotty on Star Treck), they used a hand double for James whenever he had to operate the ships transporter.

OK beaten up by Star

The Star must have gotten wind of the wedding "exclusive" OK had and beat them to the baby punch. In another retarded non-interview..The 39-year-old actress feels that after all she has been through watching Brad and Angie's family grow, she'd love Brad to see photos of her holding her own baby and show him she's not the self-centered girl he had made her out to be."It's my turn now," she told a friend. And Jen believes the rocker is perfect daddy material."Jen feels so strongly that John is 'the one,' " says a source. "She knows he can handle being a dad.

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Yeah, I'm sure her motivation for having a baby is Brad seeing the photos in some rag. That's worth 9 months of carrying a human, the agony of birth, stretch marks and a lifetime commitment. Fucking idiots. They make her sound like a total moron and she never even talked to them.

Lisa Marie is so happy to be knocked up with twins

When she was three months along she had to borrow a tent from Barnum's and threaten to sue the pants off everyone for calling her porky. Now she's found out it's twins and she looks like she could chew her way through a crowd and poop human burgers. The only one talking about it is her senile plastic mother, Priscilla.
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Lisa Marie Presley's twins won't be calling Priscilla Presley "grandma."
"We say 'Nona' — it means 'grandma' in Italian," the Dancing With the Stars alum, 63, tells Entertainment Tonight.
"There's just such a connotation with Grandma, and I just liked it better," she adds. "Lisa Marie's children say it so sweet: 'Nona.'"
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Lisa Maries children are teenagers, one with a modeling career and it's doubtful they say anything sweet. They probably just want their damn trust funds so they can move to a country their mother doesn't own.
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PISSilla: "When we heard it was twins we said, oh, my, what will we do with them?"
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I dunno, Pissy, wtf will you do with them? Piss has one kid who's a drug dealer and one kid who wants to kill people for glancing at her. Beats me. How about you hire a couple of good nannies with the millions Elvis left all you worthless clods and go on vacation?

Not such a cute couple

Hard Rock, Chicago, Mark Ronson is DJ-ing, Samantha shows up with Lindsay...they decide not to act like two normal adults and opt to sit UNDER the table, they have waiters bring and serve them drinks under the table, then spend the rest of the evening texting each other even though they were sitting right next to each other. Texing and giggling under the table.

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There's cute and playful and then there's just plain stupid. I'll let you decide which category they're in.

Katie's getting her boobs done..again

Katie Price is back in LA to get her some new boobage. This will be her fifth boob job, I think she should just attach knockers to her forehead at this point. She gave birth to Madonna? I didn't even know they made baby wigs. Shows you how much I know.

Where is Suri?

Suri is in Manhattan apparently dressed in the latest toddler fashion, a hospital gown. She spent most of the day swinging in a public park. East coast enthusiasts report that Suri loves NYC because she can see Broadway shows and go to her favorite restaurants! The truth is, she had to leave LA to find a park that Violet Affleck doesn't hold the deed to. "Mommy, why you keep wearin' those fugly jeans? Can't Daddy buy you a new pair?"..."No, honey, no one likes Daddy anymore."

Anderson Cooper rags the Lohans

Dina's response "People are just cruel! This is bad karma for him." I would have been pissed that he said Ali looked 60..the girl doesn't look a day over 45.

MK might be in trouble

The FBI, DEA and NYPD have had it with Mary-Kate Olsen's silent act and she's been served a subpoena to testify in front of a grand jury. They want to know where Heath Ledger got two drugs he had no prescription for, Oxycontin and Vicodin. MK was NOT granted immunity like she demanded. You can't tell officials in a death investigation you're the wealthy CEO of a fashion company and you'll do whatever you like? What's the world coming to? If I was her, I'd just pretend to be Ashley and leave the country. Mexico is nice this time of year.

Needs no title

Woody needs a surgeon to remove his festering growth.