It's January

January Jones at The LG “Rumorous Night” Launch Party Hosted By Heidi Klum. I wonder why People mag skipped her as one of the worlds most beautiful people? That list was pretty much the same old thing..yes, Angelina is beautiful, so is J-Lo, but, come on. I could see them overlooking January if she wasn't doing anything right now, but, she is..she's in Mad Men and that's become quite the sleeper hit. She's truly classically beautiful. Maybe she should have twins or start a line of stinky perfume so they'd realize she exists.

Denise Richards singing

Singing Take Me Out To The Ballgame, Denise proves she has talent. She's amazing. I had no idea she was so gifted. I suppose I should apologize for saying she's worthless. She sings it ALMOST as good as Kate Gosselin.

ParAss to design childrens clothes

ParAss twittered..“Just got home from a long day. About to start drawing the character for my new children’s clothing line.”
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Whew, I was getting worried that I'd never find the right kind of children's outfits. Finally a celebrity who understand what children want. They want tiny corsets, shiny plastic thigh high boots, g-strings, fish nets and crotchless leggings. Don't you hate it when your toddler comes home from pre-school and all the other kids have made her cry because she's the only one without sequined nipple tassels? I sure do. Thank you, ParAsshole.

I know we all love Dolly, but,

Does she really have to wear the coat of many colors...on her face? The eyebrows are scaring me.

TMZ Rips Off The Crabster

TMZ posted the above picture at 1:45 am this morning. Susan Boyle looks like Jack Black. Hmm, where did I hear that one before? Oh, right - yesterday afternoon when I posted it. Fuck you very much TMZ.

Natasha Richardson Lives?

Forget that guy everyone thinks is Tupac...I've got a real scoop. Natasha Richardson is still alive!

Oh, it's Jane Krakowski. Dang it, I shouldn't have called Liam and told him Natasha was alive. Fuck I'm an asshole.

More Messinged Up Than Usual

Debra Messing's dress was the talk of the Tribeca Film Festival last night. Everyone hated the sleeves. And the high-waist thing. And the fact that Mary-Kate Olsen's face was sewn into the front. Weird.

Need Some Help Christina?

Christina Ricci looks slightly distressed as she tries to lug a box that is almost as large as she is. She should've rented a dolly. Or found a strapping man to blow in exchange for his help. Or used her alien mind-powers to levitate the fucking thing.

Stop Looking At My Ass

Jessica Biel wants us all to stop looking at her ass. It is only distracting us from her amazing talent. Snicker.

Gardening, making website, frustrated

Isn't my Hydrangea pretty? I started this garden site, HERE, and I'm having some trouble with it, with the..what do you call it? The template. There I go. It doesn't seem to be working right and I've used several and I'm getting frustrated. I don't like the comments section either and that's really important to me. So I have to fix that or dump it.
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I wanted a place to track the progress of this garden and a place to write more personal stuff. I like it when you guys write back in comments and tell me things you do or stories about your families. I read all that stuff and I enjoy it. So this was to be that kind of site. I want to find people who inspire me, people who make things and grow things and just live. I've found several really interesting You Tube people who are journaling all kinds of cool stuff. I'll post about them later. I read several journals by extraordinary ordinary people. There's some linked here and some that post here that I've been meaning to link. Anyway, I hope I can straighten that garden site out and make it work. If not, I'll use this place and the celebs can take a hike back to their tanning booths and plastic surgeons. I have to go run my mother and aunts around now, it's old lady check day, but, I'll be back this afternoon to work on things. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

Jon Gosselin cheating has gotten MAJOR attention

Publications everywhere have picked up the story of Jon Gosselin cheating on his wife. It's not tabloid stuff anymore. Jon issued a statement (or his reps did) saying he used poor judgement and " What makes me sick is that my careless behavior has put my family in this uncomfortable position."
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I don't know exactly what he's sorry for and neither does anyone else. Is he sorry he cheated or sorry he got caught? Is he sorry he had to admit that $40,000 dollar two seater sports car was his, while his wife is still passing the hat at churches to get "college funds''? Is he sorry fans finally realized NO ONE is home with their precious TV kids? I'm pretty sure he's not sorry he cheated on his wife, and I don't know anyone who cares. Including his wife. I think he's sorry alright, very, very sorry. Sorry he woke some of the obsessed fans up with his childish behavior. Suddenly less and less losers want to be a Gosselin. It's too late for OctoMom, she already has her litter after watching this crap. Yeah, like she didn't watch it? Please.
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So, did he derail the gravy train? I doubt it. We'll have to see what happens. I know Kate will bring God into it, God is the invisible costar in all this drama. When all else fails to get people to give them money and trips and luxury items, Kate always asks God. She always asks God on her website or on TV too. She calls it her prayer list. She prays for paper towels and mansions with 30 acres and God hands it to her. And she always hold the item up, lable foreward, so we can all see what God gave her. God will fix this problem too. God will fix the fans and God will fix the ratings....for Kate. It's too bad Kate keeps God so busy with her requests, he could put some pants on her kids so perverts stop wanking to naked Gosselin kids on their pottys. But, God is busy, Kate only has three new sets of washer/dryers in her mansion, and she needs a sunroom. Jon could pray for some balls, but, he'd better check with Kate first. She has God's "to do" list and I'm pretty sute that's not on it.

Review of Lindsay's tanning product

Sevin Nyne Tanning Mist is Lohans new money making scheme. It's tagline is "Cherish Your Skin" ..which is funny because no one gives a fuck less about their skin than the Lohans.
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Here's a review by someone who was gullible enough to try Lohans product.."Mere seconds into the process I was repulsed by the mist's orange-y coloring, obviously designed to give you -- and your bathroom floor and throw rugs -- some immediate color while the more mysterious and slow-moving chardonnay extracts are chemically altering your skin's color. As soon as I mentally adjusted to my now rust-streaked legs, I was hit by an overwhelming odor -- the best description I can muster is a smell akin to a tanker truck full of toxic sludge crashing into a pyramid of coconuts. The smell was so strong that it roused my husband from the couch -- on a different floor -- to ask if I was cooking up a batch of coconut-flavored meth in the bathroom.
Nevermind. I was going to be tan. Or tannish. I could deal with a little temporary stank. Or could I? Apparently not. I last about seven (or was it nine?) minutes before deciding that I'd rather be pasty than sticky and coco-toxic.
And so, less than 30 minutes after beginning my Lohan tanning adventure, I was freshly showered (again) and possessed of a new appreciation for my cadaverously pale legs. My bathroom throw rug, however, is now rocking a savage tan.
The verdict: Save your money for sunscreen."
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Well, what did they expect? Lohan is either albino white with freckles of streaked dark orange with pale blotches everywhere. She's always had the shittiest celeb tan in Hollywood, so why would anyone think she could "develop" a tanning product? You'd be better off to eat an economy size bag of Cheeto's and then turn the empty bag inside out and rub it on your body. It was funny that she said it smelled like coconut meth. Lindsay should "develop" that product. Oh, wait...nevermind.

Carriers

I'm surprised they're wearing the swine flu masks. I should've thought Jesus would protect them.

Still Fine

Shark #1: "What do you think of that one over there?"

Shark #2: "I don't eat stuff that's already dead."

Kinky-Ass Shit

Brad and Angie's former bodyguard Mickey Brett is, as you know, planning a book that lays bare the truth about the couple's wacky existence. Among the revelations said to be included in Brett's book is a crazy one about Brad and Angie's sex-life: that Brad likes dressing up in diapers and a baby bib, and that he and Ang sometimes bring in a third person to participate in their bizarro role-playing games. Brett claims he once hid behind a door and listened to the insane threesome play a recording of baby noises while they had sex, then spank each other until they all came. Well, that's how you keep spice in the relationship, right? It's either that or kidnap drifters to torture.

Boyle De-Glammed

Bitch stole my robe. And Jack Black's face.

Tim Geithner One of People's Most Beautiful?

People Magazine has put out its list of the most beautiful humans on earth. The usual suspects are all in there - Halle Berry, Angelina, J-Lo - but this year there are some curveballs...like Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. Really? Tim Geithner is beautiful? He looks like a Vulcan Dennis Hopper. Whatever. In a few years we'll all hate these people for fucking the world up even worse. If the world's still here.

More nothingness from Nothingville

I don't care what she has to say..it's all about her looks. Her whole life is about her looks and it makes me exhausted. Last week she put on a light colored wig and pretended she dyed her hair. Then she blogged that it was all a scam and wasn't she hilarious!? Yes, Kim I wet my pants at your cleverness.
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This week it's back to talking about her body again. This girl is nothing BUT a body. Her life is worthless. She could be a fitness guru or a nutritionist if she's so obsessed with her body..but, no..she actually thinks talking about how cute she is, is a career. I am tired of these people, can you tell? I have better things to do and I am working on it. You will be the first to know when I'm ready to move along to something more meaningful. It's going to happen, people like Kim and ParAss and the rest have taken up enough of my time.

A world apart

I was just struck by the vast difference between the giant Lindsay ad in Milan and the gawky freckled girl in Maui.

ParAsshole and her assbag

Hilton finally found a purse big enough to carry all the STD meds she needs in a day.

Kelly Osbourne for Tarina Tarantino’s jewelry

It's a jewelry catalog...funny, I don't see any jewelry there, but, I like the shot. Kelly says: “It’s not like I’m like all the other celebrities in Hollywood that’s going to go do a line of cocaine to lose weight. Like, I can’t. I won’t, I’m normal and it hurts 10 times more because I can’t numb it. You know you read it and I’ve never tried to be that kind of girl. The last thing I want to do right now is read about how fat I am. I could be really skinny. I really could, but I don’t want to be really skinny and I like food and I don’t want to be on drugs.”
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Kelly has such an interesting look...I've always thought so. Someday, when she stops talking about her weight, I'll know she's over it. She's someone who might have something else going on besides the Hollywood looks and body obsession. I hope so, I kind of like her and her family.

A Tale Of Two Trannies

Christina Aguilera's been in Trannyland awhile, and Heidi Klum is getting there. Worn knees Christina? No jokes there...

Bradley Poppins?

Brad Pitt's done so much nannying the last couple years, he probably thinks he is Mary Poppins. Julie Andrews had a much bigger pair than Brad, though.

Who's She Trying To Kid?

The Daily Mail heard Catherine Zeta-Jones was hot to play hirsute Susan Boyle in a film of her sexless, cat-reeking life, and whipped together this photoshop of the Oscar winner sporting Boylehair and Boylebrows. Uh, nice try, but sorry. Catherine Zeta-Jones? She is waaaay too plain to play that hidden sexpot Boyle. You seen Susan since her makeover? Tigress. Zeta's dumpy plus her career is at the fag end. Only the young Bea Arthur could've done justice to Boyle, but alas, time travel has not yet been invented.

I Can Sleep Again

The court has decided to give Rihanna back the $1 million in borrowed jewelry they were holding as evidence since the night of her beating at the hands of Chris Brown. Now Rihanna may return the bling to the jewelers and I may finally get some shut-eye. Damn I was worried.

Leave Aretha Alone

TMZ is picking on Aretha Franklin because she has corns. Well shit, who hasn't had a corn from time-to-time? The people at TMZ are unbelievably cruel and shallow. Aretha is a goddess, and who cares what her feet look like.

NO divorce for SJP, more babies instead

Sara Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are having twin girls via a surrogate. Their reps have confirmed it. Alright then. SJP better start buying twice as many too short pants and storing them.

Jon Gosselin up to no good

Seems little Jonnie Boy Gosselin was caught out with another woman, shit faced drunk at 2 am at the Legends Lounge, in Wernersville, Pennsylvania. Jon was heard yelling “Hey, babe! Babe! Give me my jacket!” before they climbed into his car. When he spotted the paps he told her to hurry. She drove. Jon tried to explain the situation in an email sent to US Weekly..
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“I went to Legends to speak to the owner. A friend of mine wanted to check out my car, so I let her drive it to her car,” he says. “Yes, I have female friends — but that is all she is. I’m not going to end my friendships just because I’m on TV.”
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Sure, I call all my friends "babe" at two in the morning. I don't think it really matters, we all know by now that Jon and Kate have a business arrangement. She was off pimping, err, promoting her new book in Washington. You know that book where she put her kids pictures with bible verses and called herself an author. How are the fans going to explain this one though? Oh, I can't wait for the rest of the pictures.

Junk Gypsy's

Very cool.

Tori Spelling stole my husband

While Tori is writing about how Dean shaved her pubic hair for her while she was pregnant, Mary Jo Eustace is writing about how she found out Dean was leaving her for Tori. You can read some of it HERE, I found it interesting, but, it is from Mary Jo's perspective. I'm not of the opinion someone can "steal" your husband. If Tori stole Dean, it was a misdemeanor. I fail to see how Dean could break anyone's heart and I don't think Tori got much when she "stole" Dean.

Miss California is happy in her hole of ignorance

Source

Rex: I understand that you were raised to believe that marriage is between a man and a woman, and I understand that you grew up knowing that you were always going to marry a guy, but you're heterosexual. Um, some people are born gay, maybe, you think?

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Carrie: No, I don't think so.

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Rex: OK, so now we're getting somewhere.

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Carrie: I think it's a behavior that develops over time.

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Rex: Why would someone choose it, given that if you choose that, you get discriminated against?

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Carrie: Um, because obviously Perez Hilton doesn't think that there's anything wrong with it.

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Rex: No, but if being gay is a choice, rather than something you're born with, why would you choose something that's going to lead to your being discriminated against? What would be the motivation?

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Carrie: I'm not sure what the motivation would be.

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Rex: OK. Me either.

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She's just another idiot. The world is full of idiots. I wish NASA would hurry up with the space travel program so I could relocate.

The garden of Poon

Britney's people have decided to put out some positive press and they say She's committed to learning as much as she can about horticulture and how it impacts your well-being."Whenever she returns to her California home she's straight out in the garden working. She's very proud and knowledgeable about what she's planted and what is growing around her house."
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Sure. What ever you say. But, when is she home? She's on tour and the only thing I've ever seen her do in the garden is smoke and flash poon.

Drew and "good friend" Justin at a flea market

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long got caught at an LA flea market Sunday and the idiot paps kept asking them if they were together. Why didn't they ask the important question? WHAT DID YOU BUY???? I think Drew is pretty creative, she could have given some good tips on repurposing found items. But, no. The pap fools focus on the same old tired questions. They're just good friends, what...ever.

You can't do that, Douche Bag

A Federal judge in Vegas just ordered Dennis Rodman to pay a waitress $225,000 for grabbing her ass among other things. The waitress, Sara Robinson told the judge that Rodman also grabbed her and tried to force her to dance with him at the Cuba Libre bar.
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Ha! Good. Gawd, where do men get off in bars, thinking they can just grab you like it's a self serve whore house? Cuba Libre is a stupid name for a bar..and don't be ordering that crap either. Just say you want a rum and coke with lime...don't call anyone "honey" or "dear" unless you're married to them and keep your hands to yourself. Leave a decent tip and learn some manners. You will benefit from it, trust me. Dennis is such a douche bag.

Lindsay's Fine

See? She's fine. She can hold two books and a small electronic device at ear-level for a whole three seconds without passing out. Awesome Lindz.

Redmond Gets Supervised Visit With Farrah

Redmond O'Neal was allowed to leave jail for a few hours over the weekend to visit his mom Farrah Fawcett who is in the middle of a long bout of dying. Don't worry though: the visit was supervised by sheriff's deputies, so Redmond was unable to steal anything or get his hands on any of his mother's sweet, sweet medication. By the way, those who are poised to express outrage over taxpayer money being spent so Redmond could visit his mom: the whole deal, which cost about $1300, was paid for by the family. The O'Neals may be scumbag drug addicts but you can't accuse them of leeching off the people.

Scott Storch Enters Rehab

Music producer Scott Storch has entered rehab, hoping to turn his life around after blowing - by his own reckoning - around $30 million on cocaine. Actually, Scott's good pal Brandon Davis probably snorted about 90% of that himself, before Scott threw Brandon out for ruining yet another sofa (you just can't get man-grease out of upholstery).

Besides the absurd drug habit, Scott is also reportedly in danger of losing most of his stuff, and recently got charged with grand theft auto after failing to return a rented Bentley in timely fashion. Oh fuck, he has to rent a Bentley now? This guy is toast.

Damn It, No

Move over Coldplay...the band that preceded you as the absolute worst band in the world wants back in the game. Yes kids, six years after electing to finally give our ears a break, the Christian rock doofuses from Creed are getting back together for a new album. "We're not looking at this as a reunion," said pantload lead singer Scott Stapp. "It's more of a rebirth." Oh of course, Creed - guys like you don't merely reunite. You rise from the ashes like a Phoenix. You resurrect yourselves like Jesus.

Oh well, it could be worse. They could be Styx.

Brad And Angie v. Bodyguard

A man who once guarded Brad and Angie's world-famous bodies is in a legal battle with his former employers who are trying to stop him from including them in a tell-all book about his time with various Hollywood bigshots. The brave soul, Mickey Brett, reportedly became Brad and Angie's head of security around the time they fled to Namibia to have baby Shiloh in that simple 50-room cottage. Whatever Mickey knows, Brad and Angie don't want the rest of us to know, and they're willing to sue and smear him in order to keep him quiet. The stars' camp is already out telling people that Mickey is a pathological liar with a long criminal record who has been barred from the U.S. by immigration officials. Exactly the kind of person I'd want guarding me in Namibia.

Actually, I wonder what this Mickey person could tell us that we don't already know. That Angie's a crazed narcissistic control freak and Brad a pathetic, broken shell of his former self? Wow, shocking.

Suri's Reality: I'm Glad It's Not Mine

Tom rushes to catch little Suri before she gets too close to the man with the big black eye. The big black eye people follow Suri and mommy and daddy everywhere they go. They talk Mexico-talk and make flashes and smell like peepee. Just once, Suri would like to touch the big black eye, and see if it is real.

Bea Arthur as Carrie Bradshaw

I'd never seen this, it's cute.

Britney lets it all hang out

Including her tampon string. Brit, here's a tip I got from my stripper friends..cut the string off before you use it. Cripes, that's so trashy.

OctoTwat's ink

The stars represent her 14 children. Ukkk, it looks like a page out of a Christmas coloring book. A Christmas coloring book from China. Ironical that it's in the same place Angelina memorialized her children, the back of her shoulder. It's so poorly done, I can't even think of a joke.

Casey Aldridge Has A Bad Night

The pipe-layer who spurted his manseed into Jamie Lynn Spears and made her all knocked up (y'all) was injured last night when he crashed his F-150 (that he bought with all his pipe-laying money) on a stretch of Louisiana highway. The dumb-ass is reportedly in stable condition. The bad news is that he's being charged with careless operation of a motor vehicle. Someone should've charged him with careless operation of a penis after what he did to Jamie Lynn.

Upside down tomatoes

Here's how to make your own topsy turvy from a bucket. This guy seems to make a lot of work for himself, if ya ask me, but, hey, it's free.

The knuckle heads..

That's what Eric calls Lucy and Charlie Brown. They just look like really happy dogs, don't they? Cute. You have a nice fence there, Eric. Is that a palm tree?