More Mayer-Swift Ickiness

John Mayer is moving in slowly on Taylor Swift. The true predator knows when to creep, when to pounce.

PantyLiner is an idiot continued

Thank you to the Evil Beet for pointing out to me that Hayden Pantyliner's elaborate tattoo is misspelled. Live With No Regrets, in Italian...but, incorrect spelling. Ironic, isn't it? Which would have made a better tattoo actually. It's as stupid as the zipper on that dress. The dress can be take off though. Too bad about YOUR ENTIRE LEFT SIDE, Panty.

Biker Mama

Sigh. American Chopper is on the TLC channel so they have to mix it up with Jon and Kunt. Kunt always looks like she swallowed a turd and everyone grosses her out because, of course, they are beneath her. You know what, Kate? There's no need to wrap yourself around someone like that. Just grab the sissy bar or just the back of the seat, sit there and mind your own damn business and enjoy the ride. No need to be slopping yourself over some dude who's only doing his job, and then act like that. It's not like he dreamed of you on the back of his hog. When they said chopper, she thought they were talking about her hair dresser. That green one Jon's playing on looks pretty. Wouldn't it be funny if they both got muffler burn? On their face.

Brit's boys are big trouble

FY..
Britney Spears is getting a bill for $20,000 EXTRA from a hotel where she stayed on tour. It's because of the damages her boys did to the suite. They crayoned the walls, broke vases and pulled down the silk drapes. The best report was that one of them shit in the pool. Hey, that aint yellow and it won't mellow. LMAO! Who's supposed to be watching these critters??? And why does she have a Ramen noodle hanging out her mouth?

Benefit of the doubt

I saw a brief Robert Pattinson interview and he was talking about some girls that came up to him for an autograph and they had injured their own necks. The cuts were scabbing over, they wanted him to bite them. It grossed him out, he said. He seemed a tiny bit lost talking about wanting to please people, fans, but, not knowing what it is they want. He's an actor though, so maybe it wasn't real. I don't know. It seemed a little sad to me.
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I wonder where he'll go and what he'll do when this whole vampire thing is played out. Is it possible he's just a nice kid who wants to work? We'll see. He doesn't seem to be riding the stupid bus, like a lot of them.

Jon and Kate face each other!

That exclamation point was sarcasm, I hope you know that. This is all there is, so why watch the show? TLC is plugging the disaster. The shows with Kevin and Jodi are being re-ran now. That's so deliberate and we all know it. I ended up switching to E! Kendra was flattening pennies at the train tracks! Exciting stuff. But, I WILL put TLC back on as soon as the Duggers make Tater Tot casserole again. Umm, Tater Tot casserole!

No more Gosselin fluff

The tide has turned. Headlines scream "Mother to Monster." Real journalists are no longer doing those stupid fluff articles. Instead, Kate is being compared UNfavorably to OctoMom and people are calling her a child exploiter. Finally.

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I am loving the money train wreck. I am loving her lies exposed. Buh bye, whore. Have a new litter..but, not on us.

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Old Kate quote: "Society has a responsibility to help with the children, since modern medicine promotes the use of fertility drugs, which can lead to multiple births."

Dash is Armenian for Dumb Whore

So, the Kardashywhore's Miami Dash shop opened. Kim had to clean up grafitii, oddly the "vandals" wrote things like "We love you, Kim K!" The two monkey ass's cut the ribbon with the giant scissors they circumcised Bruce Jenner with. I should say Khloe and her Monkey ass sister. I really don't hate Khloe, but, I can never embrace her with a sister like Kourtney the Monkey Ass. There was a launch party, of course. Brandon Davis invited himself and the KardashyWhores tried to avoid his icky ass all night as he followed them around sweating. A source said : "He was sweating and roaming the red carpet and kept following Kim Kardashian and her sisters around. Everyone was a little creeped out."

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Yes, creeped out because he's broke. When he was the heir of his family oil fortune, every d-list whore and their dog licked his rich sweaty balls. Now he is an embarrassing nuisance. These are some of the people who make me despise celebrities. Yep, the KardashyWhores..responsible for DD's bitter shit bite. It's a good thing no one reads here. But, I'm still pretty sure I have more people reading this than showed up for Miami's new Dash.

She needed a vacation

Before she left for some beach time, Brit just looked tired and worn out. Is she only 25?? Get some rest, Brit.

Together in Cannes

Sean and Julian Lennon taking in a movie at Cannes. It's nice to see them together.

Lame ass shit

JLH and her lame boy friend, Jamie fucktard Kennedy looking over some merchandise they sell at comedy clubs where he appears. Love mans the T-shirt table and bedazzles her own shirts to sell. She is "touring" with him and this is her gig. The bedazzled T-shirt table. Are you fucking kidding me? Why doesn't she just tattoo LOSER across her forehead.

Cameron on flushing

Diaz said: "I do follow the, 'If it’s yellow leave it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down' saying. I believe in that 100 per cent. But there are a couple of rules. You can’t go more than two or three times, if it’s consecutive, if you’re drinking a lot of water, without flushing. But if you have coffee or something, it’s going down!''
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Ukkkk, I've had this argument with so many people. My mother is one of the mellow yellow people and I am not. The best thing to do is replace your toilet with one of the smart new ones and NOT those horrible low flow things. My friend, who's in the plumbing business tells me bluntly "They won't handle the turds. " The new toilets have a second flusher that gives you more water for number 2. What a disgusting subject, huu? If you want to save water cheaply, put a brick in the tank. Don't make your friends and family look at old pee (not to mention back spash). Ukkk, just typing it made me vomity. Oh, and as for Diaz, how many swimming pools do you think she owns?

Britney is in the Caribbean

I blew up Poontangs oddly placed tramp stamp to see whadehail it was. Umm. A fairy wheelbarrowing a German Shepherd? I'm sure it's meaningful though. She's deep.

Blogger torn..

Yep. Sometimes even I don't know what to say..to bitch and ridicule or cheer her on for her balls of steel. At 63 (isn't Cher 63?) she's still kicking, still doing her Cher thing. From the side it looked pretty bad and she should retire the rags...but, she's Cher! I love Cher! I've loved her since she had that short odd hubby and wore fur vests. But, really? But...she's Cher!! Okay, I give up. Do what you want Cher. At least she gave up the blond, that was awful.

Sorry Natalie

The New York Daily News says Sean Penn has withdrawn his motion for legal separation from wife Robin Wright. "It was an arrogant mistake," Penn said in a statement. Guess this means Penn's not peen-piledriving Natalie Portman after all. Unless he's ten times lower than we think. Friends say the couple "love each other like crazy but they fight like crazy." Aw, that's sweet.

Frivolous

Forgot to post on this the other day: Heinous Meghan McCain's appearance on The Colbert Report. The news coming out of this was Meghan calling herself a "pro-sex" Republican - whatever the fuck that means - but I don't even care about that. To me the telling part was right at the beginning when Stephen made a remark about the giant piece of idiot jewelry Meghan was wearing on her hand. Here was where Meghan had a chance to portray herself as a serious-minded person, by ignoring Stephen's obvious attempt to out her as a vain and frivolous twit. But of course Meghan, being a vain and frivolous twit, took the bait: she held the thing up, wiggled her fingers, and even told Colbert the maker. Anything she said after that was irrelevant, because she'd already been exposed as a person who cares about nothing but flaunting her wealth. Being a "blogger" and a spokeswoman for young "pro-sex" Republicans is about nothing but vanity and fame for this bitch. Nailed.

Maybe They'll Call It Fatloose

Fat Miley Cyrus is reportedly being considered for the Lori Singer role in the remake of Footloose, which will star Chase Crawford as Kevin Bacon. Anyone who remembers Singer in that role knows this is horrible casting. Singer was so skinny she looked like a death-camp victim; Miley, on the other hand, is a fucking moose with an ass so gigantic the state patrol has to clear the highway ahead of her. Why does this fat cow think anyone wants to see her in Footloose? I'd rather see Meghan McCain. Or Kirstie Alley. Or a hippo. All are slimmer than Miley, who must spend all her free time shoving Jesus-shaped Cheetos down her gigantic bucktoothed mouth.

Loser

Adam Lambert lost American Idol. Everyone said he was the greatest thing since butt-sex but he wasn't great enough to beat some other karaoke superstar and become the newest disposable pop-star. I'm sure he'll have a long, fruitful career making shitty albums that are only listened to by the kind of people who think college is for studying. He looks like the biggest dickhead to ever plop steaming from an airport hooker's diseased cunt.

Stop Taking Her Picture

There needs to be some kind of rule about celebs. Like, if you haven't done anything noteworthy in several years, you are officially off the pap hit-list. And no, pushing out a kid doesn't count. You have to have been in a movie, released an album someone listened to, appeared on a TV show or been arrested for DUI within a certain period of time, or your celeb credentials are revoked. Is that so much to ask?

You Hate Him Cause He Fucks Skanks

John Mayer knows why people resent him so much (via Twitter):

I love how some dudes hate me for dating their fantasy girl, as if they were going to if I hadn't.

He's got a point, don't you think? I mean, if you're out there boning the likes of Jessica Simpson and that Minka chick from the football show, yeah, a lot of hopeless small-dicked heteros are going to resent the living fuck out of that. They're gonna be like, "How come John Mayer gets to lay those hot chicks, and I'm sitting here with my fat cow girlfriend snoring on the couch, and me with a Cheeto stuck so far down my bellybutton it would take an expedition by James Mason and Pat Boone to find it?" One load of you and Jessica would be swooning like Scarlett O'Hara watching Ashley Wilkes chop wood. Some people are really out of touch with reality.

That being said, John Mayer is still an asshole.

Is That A Bump?

Brad and Angie are doing their Brad and Angie thing at Cannes, where Brad's new movie Inglourious Basterds (yes, that's how it's spelled, so shut the fuck up) is playing in competition. This is honestly the first picture I've seen of them together in weeks. Maybe they decided they needed some time apart. Maybe Angie figured Brad would be happier if she let him take his dick out for a little fun. It was really missing George Clooney's asshole. Yeah, that looks like a bit of a bump. But she can't possibly be pregnant again.

Meet The World's Newest Blogger...

Kate Gosselin is now writing a blog. Her first post begins like this:

This morning I woke up after just three hours of sleep. I had gotten home long after midnight from my last speaking/book signing tour for quite awhile. I was happy to be at home with my kids who I have missed A LOT!

No idea if that's really her writing it or if it's ghostwritten or what. Anyhoo, I think all you Gosselin haters should go over there and flood the comments with venomous remarks. Make fun of her hair. Rip her parenting. Ask her which bimbo her husband is currently getting it on with. Stuff like that.

Dear Lady Gaga...

...you don't get to dress like that, then pretend to be bothered by the attention. "Everyone stop looking at the disco ball embedded in the front of my shorts." We give some of these people altogether too much credit for cleverness. Clearly, this young lady is a puppet of some record company schemer somewhere, and is herself so lacking in brainpower, if you hooked her up to your car you wouldn't even have enough juice to power the glove compartment light.

French's or Plochman's?

Not sure what sort of kinky amusement the kids get out of smearing mustard on each other's asses, but okay. Yes, that is everyone's favorite dolphin-rescuing midget Hayden Pantyliner. She's fucking some British TV presenter, now that she's dumped that Milo idiot.

A Question For Jacko

Dear Jacko (if I may call you Jacko): with all your money and access to prosthetics designers, why are you unable to find yourself a fake nose that looks reasonably attractive? What, in fact, is the sense of spending thousands on plastic surgery only to wear a nose that looks like it was fashioned out of Play-Doh by a kindergartner with Parkinson's? Hmm?

Random Pairing O' The Day

50 Cent and Bette Midler. At last, my dream of seeing them together has come true.

I have to believe 50 was somehow involved in the murder of Dolla. He just couldn't handle a rapper being twice as good as him. I could write for Leno with shit like that.

Scott Baio Has Something Seriously Wrong With Him

Look at these pictures of Scott Baio and his attractive family, and tell me what they all have in common. (Jeopardy! music Jeopardy! music Jeopardy! music) Give up? Well, I'll tell you: in every picture, Scott finds some reason to put his hand or arm somewhere near or directly upon his 19-year-old step-daughter's breast. Accident? I'm thinking no. I'm thinking Scott only stays with the aging blonde hag because it gives him easy access to the step-daughter and her boobs. And why not? He paid for the damn things...he should be able to fondle them whenever he chooses. Charles is still in charge, bitches.

(Thanks Maggie)

Yo Dumbasses...

It's a Cheeto. If Jesus wanted to send you a message, he wouldn't do it in the form of a cheesy snack treat that sort of looked like him. He would come down himself and tell you to your face that you are dumber than a bag of bricks. Now eat the thing or throw it away. Please stop taking pictures of it and praying to it. You're an embarrassment to morons.

Patrick Swayze May Be Dead

Rumors are swirling that Patrick Swayze has succumbed to pancreatic cancer. Thus far, Swayze's reps are denying the story. Of course, since these are only rumors and the man is ill, it is incredibly tasteless for me to be doing this post.

World Now A Dolla Short

Rapper Dolla - who I confess I had never heard of until yesterday - was shot to death outside the Beverly Center mall in Los Angeles on Monday afternoon. Police have since apprehended a suspect, who initially fled the scene and headed to LAX, and have booked him for murder and are holding him on $1,000,000 bond. Dolla's bio describes him as a gentle young man with a love for Bach, who planned on leaving the rap game to pursue his dream of becoming a neurosurgeon. Okay I made that up.

Question for the dude who shot Dolla: does such an act win you a lot of cred among your friends who you will soon be joining in prison? Is that like in a Western when you shoot down the notorious gunslinger, and now you're the most famous man in the West? Wow - you shot a guy who was standing around in a mall with his friends, unarmed, no idea what was coming. Yeah, that's exactly the same as calling a guy out into the street for a showdown at high noon.

Gwyenth's ego..huge surprise

"Two Lovers" director James Gray: “Gwyneth told me ‘I don’t care about nudity, I’ll give you everything you need. But I’ve had two children and I just don’t think they look very good any more. Do me a favour, come into my trailer and I’ll show them to you and if you think they look OK I’ll do it.’ So I marched in there and I told her they looked great.”
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Her tits bother no one..it's the rest of her we hate. It looks like it was shot through a fog filter using real fog. This must be high class art, right?

Why I love Chelsea

"Spencer [Pratt] and Heidi [Montag] were pitched last week," says Handler. "I told my talent booker to tell their publicists to fuck off."

Jessica Biel finds being beautiful a problem

Jessica Biel thinks she is not getting good parts because of her looks. Being so beautiful is like a curse. Biel to Allure: "Yeah, it really is a problem, I just want an opportunity. If you don't like the audition, don't hire me!" she says. "But if you don't want to even see me -- that's hurtful. And why? You know nothing about me!"
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There's this thing called a resume..maybe you should have one, Jessica. It probably wouldn't help though, she's just too beautiful.

Bridget's in charge of the bridal shower and party

Bridget Marquardt is busy helping Kendra Wilkinson get ready for her June 27 th wedding to Hank Baskett. Does anyone else see the irony of Kendra getting happily married? Kendra, soon to be a Mrs. and she has her own show on E! Bridget has a boy friend and her own show on the travel channel. Holly...Holly has blown through Criss Angel and Russell Brandt, and I cannot for the life of me, think of any two LESS eligible men. Except maybe Hugh Hefner. So, for all her whining about desperately wanting marriage and babies...Holly isn't even close. And while Bridget and Kendra enjoy their own TV shows, Holly is leading bikini parades. Seriously. Sometimes karma amuses me.

Anna Wintour on fat people

Wintour: "I'd just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses," Wintour said. "There's such an epidemic of obesity in the United States, and for some reason, everybody focuses on anorexia."
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I don't know why, exactly, but, she cracks me up. She's being kind there, according to her. People in Minnesota are little houses. Maybe they're trying to keep warm? Do you think they all have subscriptions to Vogue? Anna Wintour is just so funny. What was she doing there anyway? Trapping fur?

Roid smackers

Lisa Rinna has finally admitted she had silicone injected into her top lip, decades ago, and it hardened and scared and now she has cortisone. She says her lips made her who she is. Uhh, who exactly is she? Never mind, I'll google her career someday when I'm finished reading the rest of the Internet. 10 years from now, Lisa can tell us what happened to her bottom lip. I'm on pins and needles.

Anne Hathaway Oscar buzz and aftermath

There was Oscar buzz about her performance in Rachel Getting Married. Uhhh hu. Wait let me say that again. Oscar buzz!!!! Okay. She's clearly over the moon!
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Anne: “I just have to keep telling myself that it really shouldn’t get better and that all of this is more than enough.”
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Really, she must be so worn out. Being a celeb and getting Oscar buzz is a hard job.

Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni engaged

I thought they were already married with kids. I guess they're engaged with kids. Wait, that sounded wrong. Nixon has kids, Christine helps raise them.

Big bucket of beauty

Nick knows how to cram that stuff back in place before the cameras come out. He's off his game. I'll bet he gets grounded for this.

Damn Pubic Hairs

You can't tell from the picture but that's Josh Hartnett picking his teeth as he strolls down the street. He better be careful or he's liable to dislodge his one crumb of talent. Eh, having no talent hasn't hurt Brad Pitt.

He's All Hands

Bill Clinton putting his hand on Fran Drescher's butt. It's something he's been dreaming of ever since The Nanny. You know he's always had a thing for overbearing women with annoyingly shrill voices. He married one after all.

Future Jew-Hater In The Oven

Mel Gibson has knocked up his girlfriend Oksana Whozawhatsieva according to TMZ. Their sources say Oksana is in the second trimester already, and that Mel has reportedly informed his soon-to-be-ex-wife Robyn and their other kids of the happy news. Congratulations Mel: you'll soon have another little empty vessel to fill with all your prejudices and hatreds. Of course you won't have much time for that, given all the movie roles you'll have to take to make up for the millions upon millions of dollars Robyn is going to take you for in the divorce. Can you say Lethal Weapon 5?

Still A Mess

Tara Reid at Cannes, looking ready to fall on her, uh, can. Yeah, she's back...from the dumpster she fell into. "Hold on a sec, you've got a banana peel clinging to your back."

Nick Cannon's job

Inspecting Mariah's fat ass for shit stains.

Brainfart

I believe New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd when she says her apparent plagiarism of part of a post from the blog Talking Points Memo was unintentional, the result of her failure to attribute something she heard from one of her friends. Dowd is sharp as a whip and clever as shit and doesn't need to rip anyone off for her material. It was just a brainfart. Like when Mike Barnicle stole some bits from George Carlin that he had heard second-hand, not realizing they were Carlin's bits. When you write thousands and thousands of words a year, and have lots of people always telling you stuff, that sort of thing is going to happen. But, of course, because Dowd writes a political column, she is going to get lots of payback trashings, especially from people who resent the way she eviscerated George W. for 8 years. Let them. The fuckers will never have half her wit or insight, and they know it, and that's why they hate her so much.