I know some of you have wondered what the hell is wrong on this blog. I am typing here and hoping something will come to me to explain it. I haven't been that busy, oh, I put back the fence and got some new wooden fencing for the front. That will be a project maybe for next Spring. It's white picket. Isn't that cute? Yeah, there's sarcasm there. I don't think much of anything is cute right now and with all the shade gone from my yard, I think I might be done with gardening. I can't imagine my albino sun hating self sitting out there in that wasteland staring at the neighbor's junk yard. What my mother did out there has temporarily devastated me. It seems like most of my life has been spent trying to distance myself from this "family" of mine, and yet, trying to do "the right thing", with limited contact. I knew they were dangerous to me and I have asked myself why I thought living here would work out. I don't know why. I don't think I knew my ass from a hole in the ground for a year after Eric died. I'm not sure, I'll have to ask that question to other mothers on here who have lost children. Were you incapacitated for a time? I no longer know what "the right thing" is..and I don't think I ever did. How would I since my family is insane AND stupid? I know many of you wondered why I was taking this latest fiasco in such wimpy fashion, but, I knew that she had pushed me to the edge and I was afraid of what I am capable of.*
And so, here is how I handled it. I put a lock on my door, turned off all the lights and refused to answer any one's knocks. I only left to go to work and I snuck out early. After a week of pounding and demanding and statements yelled through the door, like, "you'd better straighten up!" and "I'm calling the police!" ..and getting no response, she hired someone to break the door. I sat in a chair three feet from the door and watched them do it. When he saw my face, he turned tail and left..in a hurry. She didn't have sense enough to know the state I was in and proceeded to tell me she was going to make some rules for me. I have taken into consideration that she is slightly senile and mildly retarded and mistakes me for a 12 year old abused child for a year now. But, this was too much. My fury unleashed and I proceeded to direct a stream of obscenities at her the likes of which have never been heard, I'm sure. It's somewhat of a joke how creative I can be with profanity, but, this..oh. I might be ashamed if I could remember it all..but, maybe not. I DO remember something about her being the "the vile slimy shit stained blood clot of Satan's fetid rectum". And that was the nicest thing I said. Her shock can not be measured. She ran screaming that she was going to kill herself and die. She's been saying that forever. Who says that to little kids, by the way? Anyway, I am not a child anymore and I yelled that I have a gun if she needs it. Or a knife. Or do you prefer poison? I even offered to run over her with the car. These are all things that have never been suggested to her before. She is used to making me and my brother cry with the suicide threat. It was THE most dysfunctional thing I've seen since I was a child and my father threatened to kill her with an axe and held us all hostage for an entire night. And for once, that memory made me smile. Maybe he had good reason.
*
This will be a good one for the trolls to copy, won't it? I don't know what's going to happen next. I do know it's time for me to pull myself up by my flip flop straps and face the world again. I'm back. And I have a different email addy for you to contact me. MSN is almost as evil as my mother and has been deleted from my computer. I wish I could delete my family, but, instead I just went over there and took her a schedule of the days she can contact me. Every Tuesday and check day. That's it. I know this story isn't over, but, it's the best I can do for myself right now. And to those who say I'm crazy, I say..yeah, duh. Who wouldn't be? Here's the new addy..
ColdNovemberRain3x3@yahoo.com
60 comments:
DD~
I don't think you're crazy. I think you're brilliant. Your writing keeps me spellbound and your wit, well, I'm envious of it. I'm glad you told off the old lady, it was probably the best thing you could do for your mental health.
Y' know...You have a lot of folks here in who care about you and all your 'wonderfulness' - and we can't all be wrong. Maybe we're ALL crazy, but we're not wrong.
Casper
Thanks, Casper. I haven't written shit lately, I've stared at the wall and old TV shows and chain smoked. Time to stop and get back to living.
That would've been a hell of a live blog.
Good for you, DD.
DD, I don't know what it is like to lose a child, but I do know that grief is a powerful thing and it can mess you up in ways you'd never know.
I'm glad you are starting to stand up for your own sanity.
We're still here, thinking of you.
LOL crabbie.
hallelujah, you finally kicked some old lady ass & put some rules in place. I still can't believe what she did to you garden, when I read about it I wanted to punch the old cow in the face for you & have been worried that you have been quiet but figured you were healing up alone. I really hope you scared the living shit out of her & she gets a clue but I have a nagging feeling that she will eventually go back to type.
Seriously consider getting away from their, I can understand what you mean about how you were after Eric, I can't imagine what it must have been like but can see how a manipulative sociopath could & did take advantage of you.
I hope you have turned a corner now & see how wrong the set up is.
Good luck with everything.
So glad you let her have it and SO glad to have you back. You were missed!
Crabbie, you crack me up.
So glad you're back! Maybe you could print up some suicide tips and slip it under her door...that would flip her out!
I will be checking your blog everyday now... you are an amazing writer!
Yay! Pat, you need a damn long vacation! Glad you are back. Like was already said, We are still here and we love you. Feel better. I wish I could be more help.
rox
Been thinking about you and wondering how to send you some plants as I have too damn many and am willing to share.
I missed you soooooo much !
Kiki
:)
You guys are great. Thank you.
I think we go to Iowa and
pick up Pat then take her on a vacay--maybe Vegas.
We love you Pat.
I'm very glad you aren't going to take her crap. We're all on your side. Stay strong.
DD,
No, you are absolutely not crazy, and actually, what you did is probably quite healthy. And I would have loved to see it (my own dysfunctional confession).
The expression of your feelings since your son died are normal, and I would say, not at all unusual with the loss of a child or a loved one. I am watching my parents go through it right now with the unexpected death of my brother, and I have seen it many times as I work in healthcare. There is such a helplessness that comes with an unexpected death, and thousands of feelings, thoughts, overwhelming sadness, and even a measure of depression. So, the feelings of demotivation, aloneness, etc., are all part of the grieving process, sucky as it is.
As you know, unfortunately you can't choose your family, and to be stuck with a mother who has the emotional level of a 6-year-old (maybe I'm being generous) is certainly overwhelming, and likely has been even more difficult this past year. I can't imagine dealing with her in while dealing with your own grief--too much at once. But, like you say, you are an adult, and if that means you have to remove the poison from your daily life, that is what you will do. Making a schedule of when she can contact you is an excellent way of taking back control of your life and reminding her that you will not put up with her stupidity anymore.
Nope, I think we're probably all in agreement here that you are pretty amazing, Lis is a lucky little girl to have you in her life, and we appreciate reading your thoughts and observations. Know that we are all pulling for you and wish you both the best!
I don't think we should take her to Vegas. Too Many Elvis'! That dredges all kinds of junk. You need something therapeutic, not a new reason for therapy. lol
How about a spa, massage, pedicure, manicure, facial, aromatherapy, sauna, then time out for tea and cigarettes.
Jenna's death was really a blur when we visited her at Loma Linda 2days before her death, I didn't recognize her she had no life in what were bright shiny eyes, the Dr. called us in and we held her as she took her last breath, emptyness is what I felt at that very moment and thinking of my grandmother who lost her son when he was 2 and she was so strong...My family is not a touchy feely family you must be strong and move on, so I put on my mask hid the real pain I had to be strong for others. 2 years later when Keely was born and we knew she had the same disease so prepared for the worse but nothing can prepare you, I quit my job to stay home with Keely, becoming her nurse, teacher as well as being mom there was a huge bond between us she was 2 1/2 when she died at home in her sleep I had lost my world she was my everything. My son Josh was 12 and honestly if not for knowing I had a child who needed me I wouldn't have gotten out of bed I forced myself to get up I could have so easily gone over the edge still not having that feeling type of family I felt very alone if not for friends I wouldn't have a out to talk about my girls when needed because its an uncomfortable subject for my family. Im the one they talk about behind my back sssshhhh she's the one that had the two babies who died. It's ok to talk about it with me really it is because those 2 girls gave me much needed strength I learned a lot from them. Everyone handles death in different ways and the death of a child is very difficult because as we all know a parent is suppose to go first. No if's and's or but's you always have those days where you think about your child and wonder if they had lived what would they be doing now what type of person would they have become. For me the only thing that has gotten easier about losing them is the daily stuff because when it gets to holidays, birthdays, anniv. of their deaths I want to hide in a room that part for me hasnt gotten easier.
I was taught many things by my 2 girls and although I would much rather them here with me just having the pleasure of knowing them having them touch my heart the way they did I wouldnt give up a second of the time I had with them.
Connie
"MSN is almost as evil as my mother" - sorry, but that line made me burst out laughing. As I've mentioned before, my mother has pulled a lot of BS over the years, but yours takes the cake - you are a good person, Pat - handle this in any way that keeps you sane (short of landing up in the clink).
Connie, I just read your post - absolutely heartbreaking. I think I would lose all touch with reality if I lost one of my children, never mind two. Very glad to read that you have friends to help you through. Be well.
Big Hugs and WooHoo!
Sometimes you just need a few days to think. You did your thinking and you took some action.
I sure hope you do not stop gardening. You love to do it and you are passing the torch onto Lis.
I would have paid money to see your mothers face.
DD, I love what you said to your mom. She deserved that and more, from what I've read about her on this blog.
And just so you know it's not only your mother who pulls this-my sister is the same way with the "Okay, fine, I'm just going to KILL myself then, and you'll all be sorry!" crap. I have a heart condition and once she stole a bottle of my heart pills, saying she was going to take them all and kill herself. Yeah right. The kind of people who constantly threaten to kill themselves are almost never the ones who actually do it. (Long story short, she gave me back my pills without taking any of them.)
Connie,
I am wiping away the tears. I admire your strength for going on and taking care of your son. I am so very sorry.
Connie... Your story brought tears to my eyes. I feel so sorry for you! I tried to put myself in your shoes (and others like you who have lost a child) and the thought was so painful I couldn't bare it. It's times like this when I feel so ashamed for my petty complaints and bad attitude. You and Pat and all the other parents out there who have lost a child are in my thoughts.
Connie and I have net known each other a long time. Her story is tragic and brave. Not only did she go on after the deaths of her daughters, but, she adopted a second son who's bio mother abused him before he was even born, and she had to deal with those problems. She does have a heathy daughter now..she's Shay Shay's mommy! The little doll who's always running from the wash cloth! Thanks Connie. And I hated typing the word "mother" for that idiot who gave birth to Dak.
beenthere..I am so sorry about your brother. You can tell us more about him, if you feel like it.
Noelle, ha, YOU want the spa. No dice. I get, ummm, dinner theatre. Yeah. Nothing tacky there. Maybe someone's doing Rocky Horror. I'd settle for Oklahoma.
I am glad you stood up to her Pat. I am sure she didn't know what to do when you didn't play into her bullshit histrionics. I wish I could say I cannot believe she had the audacity to have someone break into your house but nothing she does surprises me at this point. Keep on keeping on Pat, you are way better then her or this situation. I cannot imagine losing one of my living children and I cannot fathom your pain. You continue to be in my thoughts.
Alison..geez..your mom says that shit too? WTF is wrong with parents? It was traumatic when I was a kid, now, it's like, oh, fuck you, moron.
shmedelle..I hope you read this. I posted on that friday follies post that you were right in that skirmish on there. I don't wanna piss anyone off either, but, man, I know what you were talking about. I was going to do a post on it before I even read your comment.
Connie,
I am sorry for your loss. You were/are strong and were able to get up and do for your Son. That speaks volumes. ((Hugs))
Connie, Anon 8:51 was me.
Vicki
Pat, I did see your comment on the Follies thread, and posted a "thank you" to you there.
OMG!! I was so pissed! It's one thing to disagree, but to put words into someone's mouth and make false inferences, and then to NOT respond to such things when called on it....aint fair.
****
I yelled that I have a gun if she needs it. Or a knife. Or do you prefer poison? I even offered to run over her with the car
How generous of you to offer her so many options.
...pull myself up by my flip flop straps OMG! LMAO!
(I'm a strictly flip flop person too. I think I own a pair of socks...somewhere.)
my mother would say "i'm going to stick my head in the oven" all the time when i was a kid....i would point out that it was an electric oven, she'd smack me and scream that i was stupid and then go on about how she was going to kill herself....i just ignored her....
good for you DD!!! your mother NEEDED to be told off!
poplar trees grow VERY quick---3 feet PLUS a year! you could consider planting them....
you ain't crazy DD! we're an island of sanity here with the ocean of crazy surrounding us....
We're glad you're back! I love reading your posts, and hopefully writing is a sort of therapy for you too.
You are a strong woman and I really admire you. I love reading about your life (no matter how dysfunctional) because I learn something new or unexpectedly moved. Your entries make me think about my own life and put things in perspective. So know you are helping others through your writing!
Above was Mags btw, forgot to sign my name :)
I'm so happy to see you, Pat. I'm glad you're writing, I'm glad you took some time for yourself but I'm happy you're back.
Personally, I believe there is no such thing as The Right Thing anymore aside from intrinsic absolutes like never pick up gum off the sidewalk and chew it. I've tried it. I can tell you it's definitely the right thing to leave that baby-blue gravel encrusted wad lie there unretouched. There are only those who count on people buying into the notion of a Right Thing and exploit it for their own gain and those people include your mom.
I think you did the right thing for you. You have tried to do what you thought was called for on behalf of your mom and she has done everything she can to suck the joy out of your life in return. It was time to make a break and draw a line and I'm happy you did. I think you should consider drawing a really big wide line with barbed wire around it and have it patrolled by attack dogs. Even if it's just figurative and only to protect your psyche. Please don't let her hurt you anymore. It is enough. Fin. It is not wrong to be faithful to you now.
Lissa's lucky to have you and so are we.
Connie, your story was both devastating and heartening. I thank you for sharing it. I can't imagine a pain worse than losing a child, but to lose two...words fail me. To see how you have carried on with your life in a way that has benefited others and gives people so much hope, is infinitely inspiring.
Holy crap....glad you are still with us, Pat; thanks for the update!! Sheesh...I wish you MUCH better days ahead...will be thinking of you....
10G(Gina)
Miss Tia you are psychic. I already ordered Poplars, I'm driving to pick them up Sunday.
Nice post, Frim. Thank you.
I know, shmedelle, you got reamed and I have no idea why or what brought it on. That was bad. I'm sorry.
Whatever you said to her was less than she merits.
My mother is a true narcissist but yours is about 20 times worse. And mine has made me finally hate her, 50 years after taking her crap.
I still treat her the same way but now I avoid as much of her as I can. If I had to live next to her, I would have no reason to live.
You're tougher than I am, but this shit effs anyone up.
I know exactly how capable they are of fucking with whoever they want, no matter how far away the victims run. But I still think you should get the hell out.
Pat glad you are back. Glad also you got that shit off your chest. There is nothing wrong with cutting poison out of your life.
There is also nothing wrong with putting thick chain locks on your doors, and windows if need be! PLease take care!
I think our mothers may be related.
DD-It's my sister who says that, actually. I really don't know what happened to her. She always had a bit of a mean streak, but other than that she was fairly normal when we were little. I used to IDOLIZE my sister and want to be exactly like her-she was older and I thought she knew everything and was so smart and pretty and all that. But she just started getting nastier and nastier and eventually she went totally out of control. She hasn't spoken to me in a year now because she thinks I was "mean" to her (ie I stood up to her when she was on one of her rampages instead of letting her insult me and yell at me). She thinks she is punishing me by doing this. LOL! I would much rather she leave me alone.
She refuses to talk to our mom also. Our mom is very upset by this. Personally, I am just glad I have my brothers. I used to think they were pests but now I would much rather hang out with them than with my sister.
Pat,
Thanks so much, and I know what you mean, but IMO, I didn't get reamed. I was reasonable, where she came off as a bully with no substance.
LMAO. She had the balls to correct a typo of mine, and I responded back with.."my bad, I should have proof read more carefully". And did NOT call her on any of her typos, as that is petty. Especially when she knew damn well what I meant to say.
I just wanted to set the record straight 'cause she attributed false things to me...and then my post was buried.
I know better to keep my mouth shut; I live in the bible-belt and don't care for my car to get keyed while I'm at Walmart. But, when commenting on a blog...as long as I'm not an asshole, what is the problem?
Pat,
The ability you have to be so fucking witty and bright when writing...even about "that person who gave birth to you"----is really cool. Got a book deal yet? Seriously, I'm not being facetious at all.
What did you once write?"There were fiddles and fights" I couldn't find the post, (it was from one that had an old black & white of you as a kid..it was about the "mansion" you grew up in. I think.)
Anyway, I love that line.
haha....some days i AM psychic! can't control it though....can't force things....
poplars are the trees to get!!
you should give your mom a note to also not fuck with your stuff again or you will go thru her house and add it to the burn pile....
I had wonderful parents, but I know that I was lucky, not many like my mom and dad and I gave them hell!!
DD, I understand having to do what you had to do. I don't believe I could have taken 1/2 as much as long as you did.
It's hard to think that something can't be done, but I understand that you have tried. The frustration is overwhelming! I had something similar happen to me. Calling the police (big joke), putting him in a mental facility,etc. nothing would work. This asshole used to shoot at me as I left the house. You got to remember, this was 40 yrs. ago. He was a "good ol' boy". As long as he didn't hit me, it was O.K. (I always wondered what would have happened if I shot him!!)
Talk about a "Catch 22". He was nuts, so they couldn't arrest him-put him in a nuthouse--he finally gets a clean bill of health--he gets out! The only thing that saved me was he finally died of mouth cancer! Couldn't happen to a better person! Don't you love "karma"! Only wished it had happened sooner! Karma can take a long time.
Must say, I love the way you can spew profanity! You've got to be one of the greatest! I'm totally envious!
Grab the bull by the horns and remain victorious!!!
It's amazing have easy Crabbie can put a different spin on things. That's why we love him.
Bayou Jane,
I too have loving parents. If I had a tenth dished out to me that DD has...I would be in a padded room, trying wiggle out of a straight-jacket right now.
Loves Pat.
How about instead of taking DD to Vegas, we take Mom, Aunt Ruth (by the way, where has she been through all this) and Ping to Vegas with one way tickets.
I'm late getting into all this, so I'm trying to catch up on my comments. Hope I'm not too agreevating---I need to express myself!!
No Joke---Where was Aunt Ruth?
I think it was time for you to do/say something and you just up and did it. It was time and you were at the right point to do it. Grief is incapacitating, everyone has a different way of dealing with it. I do wish I could have seen the look on your mom's face, you must have been magnificent!
Other really fast growers are weeping willows, laurels, clump birch, and silver maples. I planted a weeping willow this past spring and it grew 2-3 feet this year. Planted a clump of lombardy poplars together 3 summers ago and it's already 20 ft. tall, and doing a good job of blocking a view of an ugly house. (I live in Mpls., so we have similar weather.)
So the cheap way to do it is to order them bare root in the spring, I got mine from Gurneys. I planted them in pots in the house until they leafed out, (used grow lights) then tranferred them outside when it warmed up--5 poplars in a pot about 15 inches diameter. Try it! It gets big REALLY quick!
Good luck! And hang in there! I'm pullin' for ya!
i think waht your mother did to your garden was ^&*^%$^*(. she deserves the tongue leashing.
dear DD, the seasons are always changing. hang in there. and what yopu should do is plant a new garden next year...even a new tree.
xo
peace
Pat,
Reading that post made me think that this whole ordeal has awoken you. All these years and all the pain, dysfunction and drama may have forced you into a sort of self induced, "walking" sleep as a means of survival.
Ma finally pushed the one button that served as some sort of alarm clock in your psychological make-up. She went and fucked with your insulating, living, yard that has protected you to some small degree from some of her toxic energies.
When she broke that barrier and then hired someone to break the door she may well have unleashed more than she is ready for.
Perhaps those living trees, plants, and that, fence and door were NOT ONLY protecting you from her. They may have been YOUR way of protecting HER from YOU.
She may come to regret having awakened the sleeper.
You have the wisdom and strength to overcome her and these events.
I have a really good feeling about this.
"the vile slimy shit stained blood clot of Satan's fetid rectum".
Love it! Mind if I steal that one?
It makes me feel a little better to know that I am not the only one whose mother threatened to kill herself. I remember at the age of 7 running home from school as fast as I could because I was afraid she was going to do it. It is a very selfish thing for an adult to do to their child, especially since when I think about it now I don't think she was even that serious about it but she did (and maybe still does) suffer from depression. No matter what I would not put that burden on my child. Funny Miss Tia, she threatened with the oven too even though we had electric. What did I know at that age!
Connie - My heart goes out to you...
No, not awoken me. This has happened many times. She's done such bad bad things to me. You'd have a hard time believing some of it. It's a horror movie. Death will free me. Hopefully, not mine.
Pat it took me a good 5 years to finally start to move forward with my life after my son died. The first 2 years I was in a fog. For a good 2 months after he died, I couldn't sleep in my room,. I could smell him everywhere. I resented women who were pregnant or had babies. I would often ask myself "why do they deserve to have their babies, yet mine was taken away?" The unwavering support from my husband and my 3 other boys made me go on.
He was born healthy but died 12 days later because of a misdiagnosis by the doctor. He was my last son. I had my tubes done right after his birth, never imagining this was going to happen. For years I blamed myself. To this day it haunts me. Even though he was young and died early, It still cuts like a knife to the heart. I can still picture his face, his smell, and every little crease on his body. I'll always feel like there's a piece of me missing. He would have been 18 years old this November and I still think of him daily. What would he look like? . No parent should ever have to experience the pain of losing a child. I am so sorry for your loss.
Oh Pat...I wish I could give you a hug.
Pat - I read here regularly, and love your wit, but haven't posted much. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, and so glad you got that off your chest! I hope the old crone gets it through her thick head to fuck off. You deserve a break! I'm glad you're back!
I'll read the other responses later... for now all I want to say is "Good for you Pat"....
Pat,
Thank you for sharing this. It is so beautiful, and everyone's comments are so heartfelt and touching. Wow. Just a big wow!
I got from your writing the sense of the mothering, or creator, that we are in our gardens. We create this living ecosystem in our greater environment. We might encourage a plant here, remove one or add one, but it is a labor of love.
I love that you vindicated the death of your beloved garden. That you allowed her to create her own misery upon herself, and to then enter (yet again illegally) into your home only to be whipped to her knees by your gift of intellect and words.
Just beautifully executed. Again, thank you and the others for sharing here!
Oh and Crabbie - you are hilarious and so right!
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