It's not all that complicated..

You'd think attention whore, Denise Richards would get a clue. Her kids look like this in every friggin' picture, since the time they were born. That one with the blankie looks unhappier than Suri when Tom takes her day off away.

Christmas present suggestion for Brad Pitt

Jennifer Anistons 2009 calendar. So, there are people who want to look at her all year? Shakes head.

Thanksgiving turkeys

There must be a cog or a dill missing in my brain because I don't understand why everyone is bitching that A-Rod-hole and that Getty asshole ditched their wives and kids to be with Sienna Miller and Madonna. WTF? Is it some requirement that Daddy come down the stairs on Thanksgiving morning dressed in his Indian corn pajamas to open the Turkey presents? A-Rod-hole and Ball-hole would be about as welcome at dinner as a big tumor on the turkey. Why the fuck would their wives be crying over this? Who wants to sit across the table while your soon to be ex is thinking about fucking Gristle? Ewwww. That's worse than finding a pubic hair in your yams. I'd be like, fine, the kids can puke on you next year and I'll take a cruise and charge it to your credit card, see ya. I guess I don't even understand Thanksgiving.

Kate Gosselin has a new litter!

Jon and Kate Gosselin would like to announce the birth of new sextuplets, DucksAss, Gimmie, Exploitia, OCD, Lordy-Bea, and Bible-Thumper. Kate says she did not have fertility treatments this time. God gave her these miracles. Admittedly, the six are not as photogenic as the last ones, but, TLC has renewed their contract.
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In an exclusive interview Kate said "Well, Jon and I tried to have just one more, and we got six! My word, these six will be potty training for decades! I'm exhausted!"
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Sadly, Jon is not here to enjoy this astounding miracle. He was devoured by the new sextuplets, who have been put in time out. He was organic though...and quite tasty. The six say " me wikes Asian foods." Awwwwww, it doesn't get cuter than that!

How retarded are the paps??

First off, before you have to type it, yes, that's Bella Cruise in the front. The Cruises and the Becks were out together and all Toms kids were there. Here's the deal...the paps were screaming at David Beckham "Hey, Dave, who cookin' da turkey? Who cookin' for Thanksgiving, Dave?" Jesus Christ. The Beckhams are British so I doubt they give two shits about Americas obsession with November turkeys. Second, these people are filthy rich, who the fuck do they think is cooking? Maybe their personal chefs, you fucking illiterate morons. And lastly..Dave? WTF? No wonder clebs get irritated.

Gwennie in the park

I'm just struck by how many people in Hollywood are trying to be cool and you can't buy cool. Riri is wearing diamond eye patches and Bouncie is turning cyborg robot trying to be cool, but, the only people who are really cool are babies. Look at him. He doesn't care what you think. He doesn't give two craps what label he's wearing. He's just, like, hey, my toes moved! Check it! He doesn't even care that his name is Zuma..nope. When was the last time you made a warm doodie in your pants and had someone cheer? That's what I thought. Totally cool.

Kim Cattrell posing naked for art

I was ignoring this, but, I can't anymore. It's all over the T and A blogs. Kim was trying to save a painting, it's some art thing she's fond of..I know we all don't really care, so I won't go into it. But, here's Kim, half naked. She's in her 50's and all I heard all week was "pancake titties, saggy sag, and old." It just seemed a sad commentary on hetro male bloggers and not Kim Cattrell. This is why women ruin themselves with plastic surgery and implants. Pretty stupid and small on their parts, right? I WISH I looked that good.

Mariah Carey on Ellen

Here's the "are you pregnant" show, if you give a crap. Mariah's is such an attention whore..what do you think?

Demi and Ashton in London

I'd like to have her book of ancient glamore' spells. She's actually younger than him at this point. Powerful magic.

How is this different?

Britney doing her "live" act in Germany. Sigh. It looks so much like the last live performance where she got so criticized. Except she's lost 10 pounds and manages a smile. It's sort of depressing and left me confused as to what I'm supposed to do. Make fun of her or feel bad? Having a tiny conscious is tiring. I think I'll just move along.

The Blow got caught drinking again

Lind's got caught on tape pouring out of a vodka bottle at a club and now we have more crappy advice from Dr. Phil wannabes. Anyone who thought she stopped partying bores me shitless. I don't care, I just liked this picture because it looks like her dicklett is poking through her purse.

Rolling Stone hates her

They must hate her, why else would they paste her head on Shaun White's body? She's not even the crazy train anymore..she's the Amtrak of crazy. You guys are shaking your heads..oh, Britney's got it together, she's all better. No, she's not. I think maybe she has one of those little pop up thingys in her, like a Butterball, to tell her when she's done.

He's just not that into you

I can't wait to see this, it looks like it might be good. Everybody in the world's has read the book, right? All you need to read is the title. That's it. Memorize it, use it as a mantra. Tattoo it on your wrist. Print it on a T shirt. Ehhhh, you still won't believe it.

Open letter to Mariah Carey

Dear worthless Diva, I don't care if you're pregnant or not. You're ridiculous and strange. Your husband is a nobody with no job and everyone knows it's a publicity stunt. If you are preg, are you going to make the kid sleep in a sauna? Is it true that he can't come out of your uterus until he signs a confidentiality agreement and promises you top billing? Skip that..all I really want to know is, how fat will you get and how many stretch marks? Can't wait..your pal, DirtyDisher.

Welcome to the future

Here it is in a nutshell folks..these two kids made 2 mil each for Twilight, but, now there's a sequel in the works and they're getting 10 mil each, plus a percentage of the gross. Do you understand what that means to us? It means that they have moved up the Hollywood ladder to Jolie/Pitt status. And that means.......years and years of them in our face. He will become somber and serious after his raging booze battle and many rehabs. We will cry and cheer him on as he takes on causes like refugees and clean water and war torn villages and night clubs and indecipherable tattoos with hidden meanings. He will go through a series of romances with other stars and eventually marry...titillating us with wedding photos for decades. SHE..will be heartbroken and unfairly cheated on and we will all take sides and fight over how the world dumped on her and her breasts will inflate, just slightly, so we fight for years and years..is it a boob job or a push up bra!????? Same with her lips. She will adopt many orphans and animals who talk to her and write a book on philosophy and religion and be reluctantly on every talk show in the universe before she buys her own station and gives birth to triplets, twice. Always refusing to tell us if she's gay or straight. Need I go on? Really? Welcome to the future. I'm tired already.

When did Katie become a Scottish Quaker?

And why is Suri borrowing Marge Simpsons goin' ta church jacket?

Two kids is enough...wait,what???

Ben Stiller and wife Christine Taylor have two children and think that's enough. “I’m happy where we’re at right now,” Ben says. “Two is a handful. I feel very fortunate and blessed.” Christine adds, “Two is enough for now. Three’s off.”

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What?? No orphans? No fighting with Malawi? No long drawn out court battles? No twins?? What in Hell is wrong with these people?? They should be kicked out of Hollywood, they obviously don't have a movie to promote.

Would you believe this source?

Okay, Amy Winehouse is in the hospital again. Her publicist says she had a reaction to prescription medication. "Sources" close to her say she had a full on seizure from a heroin and coke overdose. With a major drunk thrown in. We always laugh at these mysterious "sources"..but, this time, who do you believe? And, btw, do we really need another photo of her falling down and filthy?

Mayer popped the question..Jen said, NO

A source to Look magazine: "John told Jennifer she is the girl for him and he is sure of it. He is willing to do anything she wants as long as they are together. He is like a different guy. John was over the moon when Jennifer took him back last month and he never wants them to be apart again. He really wants to settle down with her. He wants children, marriage - the whole thing at some point."
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But, when he asked her to marry him, Jennifer said NO. She told him she likes things the way they are. This source would be so fun to believe. I think I just will..believe it, I mean. Even though they said "over the moon" which is kind of like saying "I'm lying my ass off and don't know them." The player gets played. He wants what he can't have. Balls in her court. Excuse me while I LMFAO! Somewhere Jessica Simpson is screaming. Even if it's not true..and that is a beautiful thing.

Nicole says no to violence

Sigh. Nicole Kidman is a Goodwill Ambassador and she's on top of some scheme to get signatures, all over the world to "just say no to violence against women." She thinks the governments will pay attention to this. She has good intentions, bless her little botoxed heart. But, listen up..if you're getting jacked in the face by your old man every week, he doesn't give a crap in a bucket what Nicole Kidman thinks. He might just tie one on and kill you next time. So, instead of cheering about signatures, you should take self defence classes, get a gun, and make googly eyes at that nice Marine down the street. Get some balls and leave..with your kids and your gun. Sure, some of you will start harping about my ignorant simplicity and bla bla-ing women’s human rights on a worldwide scale. Equality won't do you a bit of good when you're dead and your kids are in foster care. And I'm telling you straight up..Hollywood stars don't have a clue.

This kind of says it all about her and him

Britney is heading to crazy town again. Betcha.

ParAss has a leak in her pussy posse

ParAss has an inside leak...yep, someone in her skank posse was foiling all her attempts to stalk Benji the other night, according to The Mirror. Sources say Benji was avoiding her like the plague (which I'm pretty sure is actually listed in her medical records) and he kept skipping out of clubs right before she showed up to confront him. "Can't I have a night out in peace?" he was reported as saying, just after a secret phone call from her camp. I'd like to know in what friggin' universe it's okay to go out dressed like that?? Those are not boots. They are some kind of, like, calf chaps in patent. And she has a matching police cap on. She actually walks around with her hands on her hips. She's heartbroken (cough) but, manages to pose at every club. ParAss, if you'd stopped that, you could have caught him and he'd be secure in your car trunk by now.

I really wish someone would explain this to me..

Why would you do that to yourself? Unless you're a pirate..or a horse in a parade. Or a horse on it's way to the glue factory. On second thought, don't enlighten me. I'm losing IQ points just typing about these two.

Simon Baker, hot list

Simon on his show The Mentalist: "I am a devil and I finally found a role where I get paid to be a devil." Sorry girls, he's married. He's been married to Rebecca Rigg since 1998. They have three children, named Stella, Claude, and Harry. Since their move to the United States, they have spent time in Malibu, California, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, and back again to Los Angeles.

Gonna get my picture on the cover, gonna send five copies to my mother..

Yep, and Britneys talking again. Brit feeling old: ''I feel like an old person now. I do! I go to bed at, like, 9:30 every night, and I don’t go out or anything."

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Her manager Larry Rudolph on what he expects from Brit: "This is going to be the album that cements her legend status."

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Rolling Stone on getting Brit for the cover: ''Interviewing the star was a rigorously micromanaged process.We were never left alone together, and my questions had to be submitted ahead of time for approval.''
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Brit gets to go on dates, supervised by her assistant, Brett, and Rudolph’s colleague, Adam Leber: "Right when we got there, we just knew it was just bad. He looked like an older version of Harry Potter, but skinnier. … So I had to get dessert first. And the other date I had, the guy was really, really tall and a lot older. … We’re trying to ask him questions, like, ‘OK, you’re into martial arts, so what kind of martial arts are you into?’ And he was like, ‘Oh, all kinds.’ … But you know how silly we are, so we were just cracking up."

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Talking about her sons, Brit said: "Preston and Jayden: “Every time they come to visit me, I think about how they’re such special people… But they are starting to learn words like 'stupid,' and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn’t get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.'

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Brit's trying to change the guardianship because Daddy won't let her see Adnan and he won't let her drink and go clubbin'. And he won't let her take the babies on trips and spend all her millions on Mexican vacations and drugs. He's a mean daddy, that's probably where Preston learned the F bomb. As in "Shut the fuck up and sit yer ass down Britney Jean, no you aint wearing that pink wig no more. You wearin' yer fuckin' pannies now..y'hear me?"

Panty has purses

Dooney & Bourke teamed up with Hayden PantyLiner to design these little shit bags....yeah, Dooney & Bourke, so that means you have to be 60 and have a credit card and a hotline to QVC right? Lynne Spears is shitting herself. Anyhow, the purses have the Leo sign on the clasp, so if you aren't a Leo, go fuck yourself. Because Panty is. Or you could just lie about when you were born so you don't piss her off. The best part? They're made of genuine Italian calf skin. Last I heard that is baby cow. Uhh huu, go save the dolphins now, Panty, you total loser.

How many birthdays does this brat have in one year?

It's always her 16th birthday, isn't it? Like Groundhogs Day only with the Jonas Brothers. She'll be in a gowddamn nursing home someday and still sweet 16. She made the music awards all about her and acted a fool and so did her idiot dad. They didn't have the sense to even pretend to be humble. Real stars..a few anyway..sat and endured this crap. What a load. A steaming stinking load.

Do you think Kanye reads here?

After I told his ass I wasn't reading anything in all caps and that it doesn't make him louder..the moron typed on his blog..SIDEBAR: I USE ALL CAPS CAUSE I'M LAZY NOT MAD. I TYPE WITH ONE HAND AND HOLD THE PHONE WITH THE OTHER.
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Phone, my ass, Yeezie. That's your dick in the other hand.

Some guys are too ignorant to handle

I'm not being lazy..I had to go for some blood work and pee in a cup. And not for my parole officer either, that's next week. I have to tell you about this. After the obligatory puncture I go to the bathroom with my little pee cup and some dude is coming out of there. He's about 40 and looks normal. We exchange embarrassed hello's, after all we're both being humiliated and drained. I go in, and I swear to cripes, this dude had pissed all over the seat. He didn't even bother lifting it because he had a friggin' cup as a target. Bright yellow pee drops all over the seat and the floor. I was just shocked, what the fuck is up with grown men who not only can't hit the broad side of a barn, but thinks it's okay to not clean up after themselves?? He didn't look retarded and he wasn't blind. God! That is so foul, so inconsiderate, so immature, so repulsive. Who does he think he is?? So, you know what? I am never never never cleaning up after some ignorant man again. Never. Nobody can make me and I'm not obligated. I peed over the wastebasket into my cup and never spilled a drop. Nobody has to clean up after me because women aren't lazy gross pigs. And, guys, women and nursing staff are not your personal slaves. Have a little class. And, yes...I told his fat lazy ass off in the reception room, right in front of everybody, and that's what he gets. I hope he's embarrassed. He should be. If YOU are anything like this lame dude, you'd better check yourself right now. Women aren't about to put up with this nonsense anymore. It's not cute.

Yawn, fart, yawn, the music awards

I watched it......yawn. I found a spider over the TV and I kept poking him, hoping he'd move so I'd have something else to watch, but, I think he'd died of boredom. Jimmy Kimmel is as funny as a wart on a dick head. Rhianna had this goofy sack dress on, it was so short she had to hold the back of it down and her ass still hung out going up the steps. She won some shit and she wasn't grateful, she practically pissed in their faces for bothering her with the stupid awards.

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Miley Cyrus did every cheesy move imaginable, and she doesn't even have the sense to be embarrassed. She actually thought everyone came to see her teenie bopper ass. Her dad introduced her and made lame yuk yuks.

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Mariah Carey looked surprisingly fat, but, today the stills look slim. Uh huu, she has power. The power to make gigantic ass fat disappear overnight. Nick Cannon held her hand and kissed her onstage, then she sang. WTF? It was pretty humiliating..for him. Poor little weenie.

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The only two good things were Pink, who was fantastic and not a bit rattled and Cold Play who let loose 1000's of leaves which fell all over the audience and pissed some of them off. And Mr. Paltrow fell into a wall and tried to play off like it was part of his artsy fartsy prancing, but, I think he was stoned out of his gourd. I wish I had been. And that is all I have to say about this mess. Oh, except Kanye..oh, geez. He looked like a bum with a raccoons tail hanging off his dumb ass and he said he wants to be Elvis. Whatsa matter wichoo, Kanye? He's giving his award away to Lil Wayne. For real, he said that. He's so fucked. I lucked out and missed Beyonce because there was a giant tumor on TLC. Yay for giant tumors!

The Last Imperial Family of Tsarist Russia

This is what I'm reading now, Nicholas And Alexandra, the last Tsars of Russia and trust me when I tell you my ignorant ass should not be concerned with Russian history, but, I have to read while Lissy watches her kiddie movies or I'd lose my mind. And the shop had about 50,000 new romances (puke) and this one historical novel. So, I grabbed it and figured I could raise my IQ a few points. Damn. It broke my heart. They were such a nice family and not spoiled or mean or anything creepy...they were all hideously assassinated in a cellar. You'd think I'd know how it ended..again, I'll point out..me..ignorant ass..history..ick. Okay?

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They loved each other so much, to the end, as their many love letters show. They had four gorgeous daughters and finally, one son. But, the boy was a hemophiliac, and Alexandra was convinced the only person who could keep him alive was Rasputin. I'm not sure..I have to go read some more about that guy, but, he seemed like a creepy opportunist who caused their deaths. It's always a friggin' preacher man, isn't it? Yep. Those friggin' preachers.

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Anyhow..there are tons of photos on the net of the family. And I keep staring into their faces, and I wonder if when dead people are remembered, that maybe it brings them back for a little while. Oh, and Anastasia..the most famous of their children, I learned that all the grand legends about her are just stories. In truth, she was just a little girl who died because of war. It all makes me sad and I wish I hadn't read it, though it was really interesting. And I don't even have a headache which proves education is not painful, but, sometimes it can really piss you off.

Slowwwwwwwww

I didn't receive one picture this week from you guys. Not one. But, I did win the Zimbabwe lottery again, so, nee ner to everyone who said I'd never amount to shit.