Stupid old broad forgot she was gonna wear heels and cut her pants off too short. Left the strings hanging. Most people stop doing this when their 12, after their freinds laugh at them. Gristle's on her way to a Krap-balah meeting. It sort of goes with the red wrist string. I'd find it hard to take a religion that made me wear garbage seriously.
People magazine has been accused of letting Angie run them, she's learned to control every aspect of her coverage. And it's been going on for years. When she skanked on Aniston's hubby, she immediately set off to save a third world country and had them focus on that..turning the tide in her favor. When you see pics of her and the kids, she's called them and told them where to meet her, and then acts like it's an accident. Ha ha. People denies it gave up journalistic control to sell Angie. Sure, duh, we be sooo stoopid. Angie is shrewd. I don't know if I hate her more now or worship the sneaky two faced ground she floats over. Hey, Angie, let's make a deal! I can be bought and there will be 12 people who love you. None named Aniston, but, I do what I can.
Aniston took John Mayer to meet her dad, John Aniston and her stepmom, they had dinner and cracked the obligatory lame jokes, ha ha ha, get me another scotch on the rocks. Whew, finally that's over. Now they can squirt out a baby. She looks pregnant, but nobody pays any attention to me and she's probably not because Oprah didn't give her permission yet.
Pam Anderson giving Hef cake, and probably something you treat with antibiotics. Don't even bitch that these are NSFW, I know you guys read here at work when you're supposed to be doing something for your boss, who's a cheap bastard that can kiss your ass, but....there is no way this isn't safe for work because that is not human anatomy, not even close. I think it's two lumpy misshapen bowling balls with a raisin glued on top. Her plastic surgeon loves abstract jigsaw puzzles. Take note, Obama, this is how you run the nation.
Gawd. Prince William's royal ding dong has been linked on every site this week. He peed on a fence and got caught. I can't go there. I can't! I remember him as a chubby baby. Oh, jeez...oh, and there's an almost confirmed rumor that he's meeting up with ParAss Hilton for New Years. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Does he have some quirky desire to bring herp to Kensington palace, or Buckingham, or Balmoral...or whatever the fuck palace he lives in? What palace does he live in, Brits..help me out here. Wherever the fuck he lives..ParAsshole shouldn't be allowed there. She shouldn't even be able to wave at his Grandma's corgis through the fence. What's wrong with this kid?? Don't go near her, Will, we don't need photos of your royal scabs.
Jordan at her lingerie line opening. That thing is a thong too, so her bare ass was hanging out and she's faux masturbating. Lots of people there and kids and one of her kids. I just don't know why anyone pays any attention to this trashy low class plastic skank. She could open up at the gas station down the block and I wouldn't bother. Unless I ran out of smokes. And then I'd plant one in her ass crack.
Pam's giving Obama advice on how to run our country and what books to read on her blog. You can go there and read it because I'm short circuiting here. No, really, my brain is making that sizzling sound that comes from anger. My vision is blurred. Kind of like when I think about the Atlanta housewives making one more dime. Who the fuck does Pam Anderson think she is?? If your only claim to fame is wearing a bathing suit in Baywatch and having a sex video, maybe you should be grateful that you aren't living in a leaky trailer house and mixing up beer orders at the bowing alley...and shut the fuck up. SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUTTHEFUCKUPPPP! Owww, my really brain burns now, but, at least I have one.
"When I was about Fifteen, my mother had started dating a man named Bob Fallon, and my brother and I called him Bob Phallus, because he came equipped with exotic creams and sex toys. You know, aphrodisiacs. Well, actually, Anglo-disiacs, because we're white. Anyway, thanks to Bob, that Christmas my mother bought both my grandmother and myself vibrators! As unusual as a gift like this sounds, you have to admit that they are ideal stocking stuffers. I mean, you can fit the vibrator into the long top part of the stocking and still be able to get another cute little gift in the toe! Well, I have to admit, I enjoyed mine, but my grandmother refused to use hers. She was concerned that it would short-circuit her pacemaker. She said that she had gone this long without an orgasm; she might as well go the whole way. (And that pacemaker, by the way, was later recalled)."
Jolie in a Hello interview: "Children respond to affection quickly when they have been starved of it, so they are very loving soon after coming home. But Pax, for example, still wants to save food. He often puts parts of his dinner away for another time, even though we explain there will be more tomorrow."
Holly Maddison is looking like luke warm dog poo lately, but, she has an excuse..she sucks face with Criss Angel all the time. She told Life & Style: "The truth is, I barely wear lip gloss anymore because I’m always making out with my boyfriend, so it comes off in 2½ seconds.” she says, adding with a laugh, “Apparently, I wasn’t making out with Hef as much."
Ashlee Simpson finally delivered that bundle of joy, he arrived late last night and weighed in at 7 lbs., 11 oz. The proud parents named him Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Just rolls off the tounge, doesn't it? He has her old nose and his old guyliner..and Joe Simpson is a Grampa. Congrats!
Know what? Winona Ryder fucked up big time when she overdosed on Xanax on an airplane the other day and had to have her stomach pumped at a London hospital. Ha! Good luck getting the doctor, or any doctor, to give you more of that shit. Aint gonna happen. She'll have to shop lift it from friends medicine cabinets. So, if you want to be friends with Winona..just let her know you have a cabinet full of downers in an unlocked bathroom. She'll be there by brunch, and by brunch, I mean something with a child proof cap. Duh.
People can finally stop losing sleep...Suri got a coat. Forbes named her hottest celeb kid and she's about a kick away from escaping. Katie looks like she had more fun than this waxing Tom's ballsack, despite the denim hot pants.
The Hayes family has a new show on TLC..it's Twins, Twins And Sextuplets. Yep, that's two more kids than Kate Gosselin's magic uterus was able to produce. Here's the deal, these people are infinitely more likable that crazy Kate and greedy Jon and their band of loony squirrel monkeys, but, like the Gosselin's, the Hayes' are handing me that foul old line "we tried for just one more and ended up with six!" Like they had no idea fertility treatment would get them a litter. Please..shut the fuck up with that tired bullshit. Everyone knows that and it's insulting to be handed shit on platter. But, unlike the Gosselin's, who got lucky, all their kids are healthy, the Hayes' luck ran out. Little Rebbeca has Cerebral Palsy. She's a precious little girl, and through no fault of her own, her brain did not develop. She doesn't walk, doesn't talk and doesn't throw hissy fits for professional pedicures like Mady Freekin' Gosselin. Mostly, she just lays there like a very pretty pumpkin, watching her siblings have a life. It makes me cry. And all of you know, I don't give a fuck about much, but, this kid breaks my cold heart. Knowing she'll never have a shot at a real life thanks to being born in a litter. I will say, it's clear her parents adore her and keep her at home and I admire that, but, her conditon is their fault. That'd be hard to live with, huu? So let's give them a TV show. (rolls eyes)
LongWhoria's using that clutch purse to fan away the skank gas. She spread her legs and 6 paps had to be rushed to the emergency room and treated for d-list crotch fumes. That lady in the back is clearly overcome by the aroma.
Kate Hudson: "I don't like being smothered. If a guy is calling me all the time, it just seems so desperate. Although I did turn into a stalker once. I was completely crazy about this one guy and used to drive by his house and get my friends to call me if they saw him in a restaurant so I could show up. He wasn't stupid, though - I think I made him really nervous!"
How is true love different from Herpes? Stop me if you've heard this ..no, you can't. Herpes is forever. Benji Madden and ParAss Hilton are splitsville. The love that was blessed by the angels is no more..the music has died. As I sit here with my head in my hands, sobbing my heart out, ParAssholes friends have explained it's because Benji is too controlling and doesn't like to party. ParAss couldn't take it anymore. It has nothing to do with those pictures of her, from last week, making out with Stavros Richie-Nachos, they're just old friends who smell like old money and Valtrex. My life will never be the same. How am I supposed to believe in anything if Benji and ParAsshole can't last??? Sob. At least I know ParAss has friends who'll get her through this heartbreak, BFF's for reals. TTYN, Benji.
You can see where the staged lighting ends..her face, which looks surprisingly human. But, I think she finally lost it and swore Guy wouldn't get a dime, then she jammed all her cash in a shredder and glued it onto her torso. Knowing no one would ever touch it there. Shrewd. Her kids can use her as a Kabbalah tree. Do they have trees? Deck the halls with bitter crazy, fa la la.
Pete Wentz and Elle mag interview....
Poontang's been out with this guy lately..I don't know who he is, but, let me save her a whole lot of trouble. Cut him a check and release the sex tape. There, now move along, Britney Jean.
Angie on breast feeding and "the football hold": "You think, 'Ah, if anybody can do that, I can do that,' she says in an interview on British show GMTV. "But it's a lot harder than it looks in the books. I did that a few times, but mostly I would take turns. It just takes a long time." She stopped when they were 3 months old. "That was about as much as I could do," she says.
Sigh, we all know her hair is short, but, Amy's put the beehive back on. It hangs clear to her ass and weighs about 45 pounds, which is 5 pounds more than she weighs. But, we're supposed to ignore it and act like it's her real hair. She's been giving interviews through her intercom to any fan who passes by. I picture her, inside her dirty flat, naked, with a jelly jar full of whiskey and three cigs going at once, cutting crank with the flat end of a tube of Blisstex and muttering. She won't incriminate herself because you can't understand one word she says. Last night she punched herself in the face, but, her face deserved it.
Kim Basinger with her daughter, Ireland at the Twilight premiere. Ireland is 13. Remember when Kim was supposed to be the world hottest woman, back before Angelina and her lips showed up? Anyhow, if I was Ireland, I'd demand a DNA test from Alec Baldwin. And if it was positive, I'd sue my mother. I'd also legally change my name to Sacramento, just to fuck with them.
I knew it!!! Everybody makes fun of me for keeping crap, but, I have one and a half pairs of those..and now, finally I can get my fortune. I won't take less than twenty nine dollars either, that's right, I said it..twennee nine dollahs! And, Beyonce better get ahold of me or J-Lo will be the proud owner of a pet rock, juicy fruit headband, nehru jacket, Bakelite belt buckle, and curtain tie backs made entirely from beer tabs. Uhh huu, you fuckers aren't laughing now, are ya?
Megan Fox to GQ mag: "If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food,” Megan told GQ. “If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food. And milk, it’s like—you can smell the warmth in the fart. My wardrobe on Transformers always smells like farts, and I have no idea why."
Hugh Jackman. He's alright..it could have been worse. Brad Pitt is covered in poop, snot, pee and vomit and Zac Effron is a 12 year old girl. Do you agree with People? And if not, who would be your pick?
Nice, she swore she'd never do this again, but, she lied. Her sister Ashley is getting ready to give birth any minute and it's getting to her. Whenever Jessica Simpson feels insecure, she roids out her lips like a sumo wrestlers asshole. Then she calls her dad and begs to be called the pretty one.
Everybody is posting this, and I do mean everybody, and like my mom used to say when I was a kid, if everybody jumped off a bridge, does that mean you have to? And I thought she was giving me sound advice, so I went and found the biggest bridge I could get and jumped off. I don't never learn nuthin', Ma..
It should be an entertaining event. Her mom will get new plastic surgery and declare him and his whole family a bunch of whores. Her dad will show up at the wrong church and mutter "bollocks!" And their wedding gifts will consist of 300 tubes of Clearasil and 12 disco balls. Then in a month they can file for an annulment, because you know that shit wasn't consummated.
Scarlett: "That’s what I heard," Johansson says of the incident. "I don’t know what the motivation was behind that. I remember it was something really vulgar — I mean, shockingly so, like, 'Whoa, what, who are you?' "
He's totally getting on my nerves. Someday the world will run out of fucked up, scary looking, singing freak-tards for him to play and he's be forced to look half human. I hope he gets a role as the invisible man or stays on his fuck off island for a year, with only a set of nail clippers to entertain himself. Maybe Helena Bonham Carter could join him, only she'll be in a mental institution counting her pubic hairs and dying them with instant coffee.
You'll think I made this up, but, I didn't. Prince has been going door to door preaching the word of God, in LA. I knew he was a Jehovah’s Witness and I figured, to each his own, right? But, next time you get a knock on your door from the weird suits...it could be Prince. "Sometimes people act surprised, but mostly they’re totally cool about it." says Prince.
In Touch claims to have some inside info concerning Jolie..they say a source close to the production of Salt, which stars Angie, have confirmed that she is pregnant again and the filming will be moved up to accommodate her pregnancy. Yesterday, in London, she confirmed her role in Salt, she's replacing Tom Cruise, which is a story in itself, but, when paps asked her if she's pregnant, both she and Brad got a little grumpy and refused to answer. If she's not pregnant, why didn't she just laugh and say no? And why do I care? I guess it's because it's such a huge undertaking for a woman, I mean, your body is going to be out of commission for at least a year. It's so...strange. Maybe another pregnancy is what's behind all her talk of retirement. Okay, you guys figure this out. It's a free country, I guess, she can do whatever makes her happy. But, Brad must shoot super sperm, I look for her to make headlines by getting pregnant while being pregnant. That's the only way she can top herself now.
Diddy to Allure ..."I shave and groom my private areas. It’s a better presentation for me. If men require women to go through the pain, we should return the favor."
