Amazing lights!

They seriously wrapped all those trees?? Man, that's pretty.

K-Fed at home

That's a sweet photo Kevin with his cute boys, but, I'd be more impressed if he bought a modest house with that 40 grand a month he gets from Poontang, instead of renting a mansion so it looks like HE'S the pop star. Well, he's likable, no one ever said he's a rocket scientist (but, he probably has one of those hats that say so.) Not much for the knick knacks, is he? Do you hear echos in that place, Fed?

Rest in peace, Majel Barrett Roddenberry

Majel died Thursday at the age of 76. She had leukemia. She was Star Trek creator, Gene Roddenberry's wife (he died in '91) and she was in every Trek. I loved her in Next Generation when she played Lwaxana Troi, a pesky mother of a crew member. What was supposed to be a brief cameo led to a full time roll because she was hilarious. All the obits are saying "she played the voice of the computer." Pffft. She was Lwaxana!

RIP.

True Christmas spirit

What is there to say? It's perfection. I want it. It would look hot in my yard and beats the neighbors inflatable Santa and blow job snowman. And Lissa would get it. She thinks Ralphie only belongs on my TV and gets mad if she sees it anywhere else.

Young Obama

Shannen Doherty posing on the red carpet

WTF? Is she taking a dump in her pants?

Disney couple

Holly Madison took her boy friend Criss Angel to Disneyland for his birthday because he'd never been there. Yeah, she took him. Alright then. This seems to be the only second rate ride in California he hasn't been on.

Happy Birthday "my lady"

Tom Cruise has been hinting for a week about what he'd do on Katie's birthday. He said he has something special planned for "my lady"..he's been talking crap. "You have to give your lady what she want." That raised my eyebrows, because it's been my experience that if a man calls you "his lady" you should run far away and you can probably expect something fancy like a new toaster because he likes his pop tarts. But, I figured hey, this is Tom Cruise right? He'll probably wow her and there will be photos. With Tom , there are always photos. Anyhow..no. Tom wasn't even in NYC for Katie's birthday, but, he did send a big honkin' cake up on stage at the theatre where she works. Katie blew out the candles with the staff from People Magazine watching and it was all noted "courtesy of Tom Cruise."

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Tom was all excited about his big surprise, “I planned it so that when she comes out for the standing ovation, John (Lithgow) would get the whole audience to wish her a happy birthday!"
Tom added that they’d already had a private celebration the night before. "That was the big one," he said.

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Yeah, I'll bet that was the "big one"..just what every "lady" dreams of. He should have gone for the toaster. I'm telling you, if a guy calls you "his lady," you'd better run. It's one of those sure fire psycho signs.

There IS a Santa!!!!

Paris Hilton was robbed! Someone broke into her mansion (the one she said she got because of Karma) and they stole $2 million in jewels. That's what you get when you give a sack of garbage to poor kids for Christmas, ParAss. She'd better check her BFF. Nice. I hope they used her toothbrush to untangle the dingleberries in their ass hair.

Psssssssst, Lindsay...

Your hair is.....nevermind. Girl, you look great! Really!

Nice hair...cough

Kate Gosselin signing books. Hmm. Fans are still buying her kids Christmas presents. Jon and Kate say having Christmas for 8 kids is a hardship, but, God provides. At least Michelle Dugger didn't ask for a love offering from us. I stole that picture and I'm not giving Kate $20.00 for it. Ba humbug! I'd use her head to buff my boots, but, it looks like someone beat me to it.

Bride Wars cover

The trouble with these kinds of movie is that everything funny about them is already in the preview. I'll see it though. What's funnier than two superficial chicks you can't stand fighting over shit that doesn't matter? Nothing.
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Someone send that to PSP Disasters. Jeez, they screwed that up. They forgot to re-size Kate and that disembodied arm rising up is creepy. Not to mention they both look slightly dead.

Tom' s other kid..

Connor Cruise is in that new Will Smith movie, Seven Pounds, that opens today. It looks kind of good, kind of, not that I'd knock myself out to go see a Will Smith flick. Tom is promoting Valkyrie (ehh) and Nicole is promoting Australia (which you couldn't pay me to sit through), so who's with Connor? When his movie premiered Tom wasn't there. I don't know if Nicole was, but, I don't think so or we'd have photos up the ying. I guess he's on his own at 13. I assume the kid has handlers.
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In a recent interview, Cruise said he's very proud of Connor, but was careful not to pressure him. Then Tom went on about himself. Seems to me his parents are too busy to deal with this.

Daily Suri

Damn, looks like a Burberry ad, but, it's probably Armani. Suri has a list, I'm sure. Fuck that Baby Gap shit. Suri and Katie have the shoes, don't they? Katie has a cold sore so I cut her out. The day is ugly enough.

Out with ParAss, in with Poontang

So, Benji Madden is done with ParAsshole and is dating Britney Spears. Jeez, those chicks are like pit bulls on pork chops. Using up leftovers. Britney's dad approves. Britney's dad would approve of his daughter dating a cast iron lawn jockey at this point.

Yuky

Oh, the net's back on. Cool. The midwest has been hit by an ice storm. Officials are begging people to stay home. Okay, you don't have to ask me twice. The car's frozen anyhow, I can't even get into it. Lissa's Christmas party at school was cancelled. Awww. I sure hope Santa doesn't have any problems with his sleigh. I'm pretty sure he'll be okay.

UPdate..yeah, you're right, the 18th Dugger kid is here. Her name is Jordyn. Out of the super highway that is Michelle Duggers vag.

How the Dugger's keep "the spark"

Jim Bob tucks love notes in her makeup case. Michelle makes him his morning coffee ot hot chocolate. The spark stays because we purpose to keep that spark," said Michelle."We want to please the other one," said Jim Bob "Her soft voice and sweet spirit melts my heart. And she looks really cute when she's pregnant." Though Michelle admits, "Having sex when I'm pregnant, I'm a little more tired."
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Michelle is pregnant with number 18. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Her ovaries are gumball machines.

The Hilton sisters..helping or just busted?

Ho Ho Ho, it's Nicky and Icky "giving back." I only saw a couple of kids in the crowd and they had on backpacks like someone hijacked them to the photo shoot on their way to school. They were boys too, around eleven. I'm sure they're just dying to get their hot hands on that my little pony. In fact, when I blew up the present bag, which was just a garbage bag, I got the feeling the Hilton sisters were just clearing out the jizz covered stuffed animals crowding their beds. The new Hello Pussy crap is out, so dump the old junk, ehh? That made me curious enough to look up the Union Rescue Mission in Los Angeles. It's a place that helps the homeless, didn't tell me much except there might actually be kids there. Sometimes. ParAsshole's Santa hat and shirt makes the jizz stains all Christmasy, don't they? That and the cameras. And the thug they hired to lug around the bag of crusty jizz.

I'd just like to point out that I have garbage too. I just don't give it to kids and call it a present. I'm not nice like the Hiltons.

Whores second season

The Hotlanta whores are going to have a second season. Those TV programmers know what they're doing because they put these whores on when there's NOTHING else on anywhere except reruns and financial planning documentaries. That's how I ended up watching them. Fake ignorant whores, I have no respect for them at all. I would donate my 5 bucks to Kim's wig fund though. You can get some good hair at the Salvation Army after Halloween. Ask Shere', that's where she picked up hers. Too bad they don't sell used brains.

This isn't about Ramen noodles

I could have titled it "I'll tell you what!" That's an expression around here, it means you've heard something that astounded you and pissed you off so bad you don't have anything to say. Except I do. I just got a phone call from a charity organization, I won't say which one, but, the guy said they are looking for donations this holiday season. I tried to cut him off by telling him it's a bad time for me to be donating, but he's got his shpeel on full tilt boogie. I finally said, okay, what do I need to do? He says nothing! That's the beauty of it, he says, he will send me a donation "package" with all the info and all I have to do is check mark some box on a form and they'll go from there. Yeah, yeah. Sigh. He gives the amounts you can check. I said I'll give you 5 bucks. No, he said, the lowest denomination for donation on the form is $20.00. Now, I'm sitting right here with my purse and my checkbook and I know how much I can spare. I said, NO, I'll give you 5 bucks. So he explains how it's not good for them to send me a stamped envelope for a donation of less that 20 dollars. I'm no math whizz, but, I see a profit there, dude.

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I had this same conversation at another net place this week. This chick was all fired up about how people won't donate to charity. It was about that K-Mart deal where they ring up your stuff then ask you if you'd like to give a dollar to a charity. She said it made her mad when people say no. I said sometimes I have it figured to the last dollar and I don't have it. She came back and said everybody has spare change to give. Then some other poor people got on and they all started a huge fight and by the time I got back the post had been shut down. The last thing I read from her was "give a penny"..and I thought, man, beat it to death, lady.

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Anyway, back to this dude on the phone. I told the fucker they obviously didn't need my money if my donation wasn't big enough and I hung up. Then I made some Ramen for dinner. Fucking charity people, I'll tell you what! And fucking Internet people all pretending they're rich. Or they ARE all rich and I'm the loser. Beats me. All I know is the kid's going to have a nice Christmas, got it covered and Ramen's not bad if you don't have to have it all week. There ARE people who don't have anything else and would be glad to have Ramen. I think I'd rather talk to them than this "give a penny!" person or that phone boob. People need to get real...or spend some time in the real world.

K-Fed's new girl friend

The tabloids are always hooking Federline up with somebody, but, this time it seems true. Her name is Victoria Prince and she's kind of cute. That's just a bad picture of her. The two are in the same bowling league. I hope she likes kids. How pissed to you think Shar is?

Happy in Hollywood

What's wrong with this?

I was trying to figure out what's wrong with this cover. I was just staring at it, like, wtf? Then it hit me. They gave her J-Lo's nose. Which probably isn't J-Lo's anyway, if you get my drift, but, that's not AJ's nose.

Tori and Dean Christmas charity

The couple is part of the Adopt A Family Foundation and they adopted 10 families to shop for. It looks like they didn't intend to publicize it or she would have dressed better. Tori seems to be one of the few celebs who's actually aware and thankful for what she has. I could be wrong though, I don't trust anyone in Hollywood. But, it doesn't seem like a stunt.

Pete and Ashlee don't want their dog to eat their baby

I couldn't get the vid to work here, but, this film was actually good. It's Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on The Dog Whisperer getting some help for their aggressive bull dog before their baby came. There's a good tip on there for anyone who has an aggressive dog. Worth watching. HERE.

And it's a shitload better than Pete talking abut his sex life.

WTF is wrong with her hand?

I was so busy looking at that fucked up hand I didn't even notice they shrunk her head. Click HERE for some photoshop disasters. I could look through there all day. I can't believe that they pay these people. I missed my calling.

The dressing room of some middle eastern sheik?

No. It's Michael Jackson's Bentley. That dude can make anything look bizarre. He obviously likes gilded Rocco Baroque doo dads. Yes, MJ, that proves you're somebody. It reminds me of a coffin.

I'd better not find this in my stocking

WTF? I'm sure some kid is dreaming of this.

Jennifer Connelly out shopping

No, you're not too skinny. You look great and so do those pants....if you're a cartoon!

Tom Cruise on Letterman

He thinks he's funny. Those aren't the things people say about him on the internet. They say he's gay, he's crazy, his wife is a robot, he's a cult leader, he pimps his kid and a shitload of other things. He doesn't address anything and I guess he doesn't have to. But, I don't think he's funny. The only thing I found amusing is how amusing he finds himself. Letterman's real impressed, huu? Somehow I'm left with the feeling that Tom Cruise's best friend is his mirror.

Is this a GQ ad?

No, it's Tommy Girl walking on the curb to make himself look taller. He's done something to his face, had a peel or some surgery. Slicked back hair and..all that. He must be worried because he's working really hard on his image. I'll skip the daily photo of his miserable kid hiding her face, but, Tommy says Suri has an "amazing" vocabulary. She says "I love you dada!" Throw in the word "amazing" and you have Katie Holmes' entire vocabulary too.

Rumer wants to do it on her own

Bruce Willis on daughter, Rumer: “I worry about her being in showbiz. It is full of people like me. She has turned out so well. We did not push her into acting. She just sat me and Demi [Moore] down and said: ‘Look, I know you both think you’re big shots but I don’t want any help. I want to do this by myself.’”
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They ARE big shots! It's funny, Bruce is a funny guy, but, come on. The reason they're big shots is because they've done some good movies and we like them for that. If Rumer wants to make it in show biz shouldn't she stop going to every red carpet event and posing? Shouldn't she be going to endless auditions? No. It's always, Rumer gets new hair extensions! Rumer at Dolce/Gabanna! Shakes head. Go to work, Rumer. Seriously, she doesn't even have to worry about paying rent while she's looking for that big break. I wonder if the kid even appreciates it all?

Jen Garners public belly

This is where is say my old lady shit. I remember when we used to wear maternity clothes. Yeah, I remember when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. I remember this cute little dino we adopted and then he grew up to be a T-Rex and we had to have him clubbed. Sad story. Any way..I still think she needs maternity clothes. Uhh oh, looks like the coco butter isn't working. I wouldn't even know that if she had a preggers top and those cool pants with the elastic belly window.

Another mystery

Just who is The Lone Snarker? Ahhhh, everyone wants to know. Whoever they are, they think as much of the freeloaders as I do and they have a special Christmas message to Jon and Kate from Santa. HERE.

second day without water, not as charming as yesterday

They say you're supposed to find beauty in everyday things and you know, say that inspirational stuff. Uhhhhh. Okay..when I went out at 6 am to put the trash on the curb, it was very pretty. It was also snowing like a bitch and cold. Really cold. I went over to moms house to see if she had trash to put out and sent the blind dog into a barking fit. Charming. But, I like it now because the snow covers all the ugly. And the lights are pretty..but, nobody but me has them on at 6 am.

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The plumber spent all afternoon here yesterday when I failed to find the freeze. He found the problem. The outlet where the heat tape was plugged in was shorted out. I never would have found that and it could have caused a fire. So, I guess the freeze thing was really a good thing. He's back now, the heat tape shorted out and he has to replace the whole thing. There's insulation over all the pipes so it's quite a job. Poor guy.

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My hair is looking pretty weird now. I need a shower and let's not even talk about the toilet. I'll just say the second day with no water is less interesting. Do you think I should tell him I smelled skunk in the crawl space? Naaaa. He has a nose. I tried coaxing it out with cat food last night. The cat food was gone and little skunk prints were around the dish this morning. Maybe it left..peacefully. Which is probably what this poor frozen plumber would like to do, but, he'll be around all week. The whole neighborhood is frozen. Even the city sewer lines froze. Patience, patience..it's a virtue and all that. Inspirational, eh?

Jack Black at the 2008 video game awards

This doesn't surprise me one bit. I'm only shocked that he didn't figure out how to shoot fire out of his dick sooner. In fact, I'm surprised that all men don't shoot fire out of their dicks.

SJP and James looking at trees

What's her email? I'm writing to her about that kids pants!

Guy's going to get $75 million

It's like one of those stupid reality showswhere they eat poop for money only he had to eat gristle, which is way worse than macrobiotic steamed fish and rice, which is what they had for Christmas dinner last year. But, this year she's spending the holiday with him in London with the kids and he's serving turkey. What ever happened to throwing someone out and burning their clothes and talking shit about them behind their back, like in the good old days? I don't like this civilized divorce crap. I'm sure those kids know these two hate each other. If not, they'll get a clue when mommy shoves a drum stick up daddys bum.

Little pitchers....big ears

Last summer Lissa and I went for a walk. We saw a big fat snake in the middle of the road so we both hunkered down to watch it. She kept edging closer. I could tell the snake was pissed, it coiled up and hissed. She got close enough to nudge it with her shoe and I said "Get back! That suckers gonna nail ya." I'd forgotten about it.
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Now it's December and she sees a snake on TV and yells "That sucker gonna nail me, Dawmaw?" What? I found out she thinks it means that it's poisonous. No, I explain to her that I meant bite and a poisonous snake has venom squirters, they look like extra nostrils. Nostwils? Yeah, those holes in your nose, those are nostrils. She shoves two fingers in her nostrils. Nostwils.
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Now every time she sees film of a snake she shoves her fingers up her nose and yells "Sucker nail ya!!!" They should give me one of those shows on the science channel.

The worlds oldest spider web

The oldest web in the world has been discovered stuck in a piece of Amber. The prehistoric piece gives up proof that spiders spun webs in the Cretaceous period!!! Scientists everywhere are shitting themsleves. Let me put on my thinking cap..hmm. You mean they didn't knit booties? Not even a cross stitch? Spiders make webs. Gol dang! I can't wait until ParAss Hilton buys it to make earrings. Then a week later says "Eww, that's not hot" and throws it in the trash. They should have just dug through Hilton's trash in the first place. There's tampons in there from her Cretaceous period. Or maybe that was shiteacous period? I don't know..I get science mixed up with Perez all the time.

What's Jesus say when you make money by "giving back?"

I watched Jon and Kate Gosselin's "giving back" episode last night. I was just determined I was going to say something nice about the freeloaders, like, who cares if it's obvious damage control as long as they helped some kids, but....damn. Look in the wagon. I thought, there is no way that goofy woman gave her book "Multiple Blessings" to sick children as a gift. I thought it was for the moms to read while they waited there with their kids. Nope. Wrong again, Disher. She actually handed that thing to sick little kids. "Merry Christmas kid, be sure and read the chapter about my fertitlity issues!"
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The Gosselin family "bought" gifts at K-Mart, toys for the children in the hospital. Then Kate seemed a little angry that she wouldn't be actually giving those presents on camera. She was informed the gift drive is for parents of patients and that the parents would pick from donated gifts at Christmas. You could tell Kate wasn't happy about that. She also let one of her own girls whine until she bought HER a gift. An Elmo thing. She didn't buy any of her other kids anything. That was really weird. All this was supposed to teach her kids something. I don't know what that was though. If you whine enough, you get free toys? Or, mommy has her favorites and ta hell with the rest of you? Anyway, the freeloading Gosselins got another high pay episode out of it and plugged her book..and that's what giving is all about.

Things I hate about Christmas

There are things I hate this time of year. Here's one of them. All these celebs pretending they dish food to poor people. Every fucking Christmas you get see these photos. There's other things that bother me about Christmas, like, hmm, no, that's pretty much it. They call it "raising awareness," I call it advertising. We're not aware by now that poor people need food? Just give 'em something and shut your faces. Anybody want to bet we'll see Heidi and Spencewad doing this soon? And kissing in Santa hats over the soup bowls.

Proof . .

Proof we did the right thing by replacing him with Obama. Of course, we could have replaced him with the Vlasic Pickle Stork or a pinata and it would have been the other right thing. The first family is obviously retarded. We hire the handicapped here in America.

Step away from the.......Jack

Kate Winslet has a new movie out..you know what that means. Tell us some shit about your personal life, Kate. Aint noBODY gonna pay you no millions if you don't tell us your personal shit. Here's what she came up with. She regrets not being at her tragic ex-boyfriend’s side when he lost his battle with bone cancer...
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She said: “Stephen (Tredre) let me go, and that as an act of love from one human being to another was overwhelming.
“When I look back, I wish he hadn’t. I wish I had just been there. To the bitter end. He was gone very quickly and – I still go over those moments in my head.”
Though Kate’s now happily married to director SAM MENDES, she says she still spends whole days crying over a man she’ll always love.
She added: “I talk about Stephen as if I still love him. But I do. I hope I always will.
“You don’t (get over a death), you learn to live with it. I look back on it... and I still get upset when I talk about it.”
source
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Kate did, however, skip the London premiere of The Titanic to go to Steve's funeral. Cheer up, Winslet, it's not like you dumped the guy because he got annoying cancer when you had a movie. He "let you go," it was an act of love! An act of love. Let you go. I've heard that somewhere before...hmm. I guess doomed romance is just like that sometimes "in the bitter end." So cold. Poor poor Kate.

Hi blog Monkey! How ya doin'?

THIS is what happens if you don't Google yourself every once in awhile. WTF do they mean it's a blog directory? It's my blog. I don't get it. It's not linkage, it's just stealing.

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It gone. That was the shortest fight in net history.

Gristle goin' down

Madonna bites the stage. I swear that old bitch is going to break a hip..and she lip syncs.

Shoes flying at GW's head

A reporter in Baghdad throws his shoes right at Bush's noggin. I guess to Muslims the ultimate insult is throwing your shoes at someone. In America the ultimate insult is replacing Bush with a black guy named Obama. Bush barely speaks English, he probably thought the Muslims loved him so much they want to give him free shoes.

Hef's kids

It's not often I have something nice to say about celebs, but, Hugh Hefner and Kimberly Conrad have nice kids. I watched that silly interview on GND and it's not worth quoting the boys. Of course they sound a bit silly, they're teenagers. Cooper's genius ideas on taking over the family business (making it cool retro) and Marstons dating confessions (one at a time) made me laugh. The company is headed by Hefs daughter and has been for years. His consession to womens lib? All I know is, she's good at it, the company isn't in the shitter yet. So I wouldn't count on that, Coop. Whatever..he has nice boys. They like their mom and their dad and they don't talk shit about their parents and they haven't been in any trouble so far. Actually, I was amazed at how innocent the two sound. It seemed genuine. I guess they didn't grow up in silk bathrobes pinching bunnie bottom. Normal..guess they won't get a reality show.

It's a boy for Naomi Watts

Naomi Watts had a baby boy yesterday. This is her second son with Liev Schreiber. She's always be that chick from The Ring to me.

Can I borrow a cup of water?

I got an email pleading with me to update more..they said they need their DD fix. That's so cute, thank you. Between posts I'm working on unthawing the pipes. In Iowa the latest accessory isn't a Kate Spade bag, it's an acetylene torch. I knew they'd freeze last night, it was getting cold and the wind whipped up. I saved water in old milk jugs for coffee and teef brushing and I showered and washed my hair last night. I figured I could make do. I have a couple days off from work and I'm just sitting on my ass, it's not like anyone will see me...unless I have to break down and call the professionals.
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Lately it's become clear to me that after a few years, it's hard to say anything about these celebrity people...even catty things. I mean, they have all the money in the world and yet, they dress like fools, talk like idiots and have little talent to justify what they have. I think I'm slowing down. I'll start reading about the celebs and get distracted by something completely different. My opinion of celebrities is that with few exceptions, they are vapid idiots. I'm not sure they're worth a whole website devoted to being famous morons.
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So, I guess this site is changing. I'm pretty sure I'll still talk shit about the dolts, it's my nature, but, maybe I'll talk about other things to. I have to think on that awhile. I do want you guys who comment here to know how much I like reading you..it makes my day. Now I have to go figure out where the freeze clog is. It's so cold it might just be the citys problem. Oh, I'll keep blogging too..I'm in a great mood despite the freeze. It's warm in here and the holiday lights are on and I have coffee. There's nothing to bitch about really..except mother nature. It's going to be below zero until Thursday. I don't know if I can wait that long for the pipes to thaw. Or if I should. Uhhh, where's that shut off valve?

PS..running water DOES freeze if it's cold enough... but, celebrities never stop saying stupid things.