Rupert Everett What The Fuh?

Rupert Everett had some work done. Some? He looks like he had a complete face transplant, and the donor was Kevin Kline circa 1988. Freak show.

Suri Cruise Is 3

Suri Cruise turned 3 today. That's 13,221 in Alpha Centaurian years.

I get road rash on my nips when I do that

Kendra Wilkinson in a rail riding competition down 40 feet of stairs. Because that's what people want and Kendra is smart enough to know it. How far would you get in Christian Louboutin's? Yeah, me too. My Kendra fan club membership has not expired yet.

Dear Robyn,

You need to take the bottom of THAT post off or give me a credit link. It was just a mistake, right?

How to play the V-chord (in minor)

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Miley: This may sound weird coming from a teenager, but I like when my dad is a little frustrated with me or upset with me, because I really feel like that’s not how most dads are in this business. Most parents with kids in the business say, go free, do what you want. My parents did not want me to go all Hollywood.
GLAMOUR: It seems so hard to avoid that.
Miley: It is! At one of the very first awards shows I ever did, there was a bottle of vodka in my gift bag. No one cared that they were giving this to a 12-year-old.
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Awwwww, you got Ali Lohan's bag. Dina was so pissed.

Vanity Fair lacks originality

VF declares Angelina Jolie the world's most beautiful woman right after ever other magazine declares her the world's most beautiful woman...which is fine by me, but, how come they made her look like someone else?

Baby Willow

There's Alyson Hannigan's new bundle, Satyana. She's a fine baby, yep. That new mom glow comes from finally having that day you've been afraid of for 9 months over. That, and baby's smell really good.

Britney Spears gets some new crazy

Apparently Britney doesn't have enough crazy, now she has a stalker. Miranda Tozier-Robbins was caught on Britney's Calabasas estate peeking in her windows. Miranda was a former American Idol contestant who got through the first round singing a Spears song. She was wearing camo and carrying a backpack with a video camera when she was picked up yesterday.
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I'm sure she was just trying to get some film of herself and her BFF together. Look in her eyes. See how nice she is? If Britney had been home she would have invited Miranda in for tea and let her babysit. Dog gone PoPo.

Lady GaGa madness

Okay, now she's just trying to irritate crabbie. Is she expecting a space ship?

I request a gag order

Jen Garner, in her never ending quest to look normal, says of her Mother: “She taught me to proof my yeast with a little bit of sugar, which she learned from her mom, Violet,” she says. “And she also taught me how to stretch a roasted chicken to make three meals. Though Ben could eat an entire chicken in one sitting.”
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Since when does she have to stretch a chicken? If I had kerbillions of dollars, I wouldn't have the balls to say that shit. She'd be better off telling us how her husband chokes his chicken every day. You know he does. Jen can tie a string around her organic chicken and dip it in Violet's wadding pool to make yummy party soup for all I care. We already have Paltrow's blog, isn't that enough torture?

Grandma got some hooker shoes

That's right, Granny can pay the bills now kids, I've figured it out. Found these old silver studded Lucite wonders at a sale, they'd never been worn. (Can't imagine why.) The box said (in pencil) Merry X-Mas LuAnn, 1964. Thank you, LuAnn, where ever you are. Size 5.. works for me. Also found Kate G's Multiple Ble$$ings, see it there? It was in a dime box and the lady wouldn't take the dime. She said she was over charging for it. Ha! Take that, Hate.

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Makin' the kids proud, eh?

Jen Still Won't Give Up

Jennifer Aniston has spent her post-John Mayer time reacquainting herself with old hook-up Gerard Butler's penis, and now it seems Jen has hatched a little dream of moving to Scotland with Gerard and buying a farmhouse. Oh Jen, will you never learn? Butler's as much of a playah as Mayer ever was. Maybe more of one. I swear, this broad is just addicted to having her heart broken. I almost feel sorry for her. But I can cure that by looking at her face for a few seconds. There...all better.

Who Likes Their Skank Well-Done?

Kim Kardashian fell asleep while sunbathing in Mexico and posted a picture of the result on her website. Newsflash: Kim Kardashian is a moron. And who the fuck goes to Mexico now? Besides dumb bitches who would probably actually enjoy getting kidnapped by a drug cartel.

More Of That Wacky Scottish Singer For Y'All

A ten-year-old recording of barnacle-faced Susan Boyle performing "Cry Me a River." Will this give Simon Cowell a hard-on too?

Matlin v. Hurt - Let's Call It A Draw

Academy Award-winning actress Marlee Matlin (she only won cause she's deaf but let's not get into that now) says in a new autobiography that she and Children of a Lesser God co-star William Hurt were not only hot lovers back in the '80s, but used to get into hideous drunken fights that usually ended with him beating the shit out of her. But there's no hard feelings apparently. Matlin said, "He knows what happened, I know what happened, we both were there," as if indicating that there's no reason for either of them to dwell on it. Hurt, for his part, seems contrite, saying in a statement, "I did and do apologize for any pain I caused." So they're being adult about it. Nice of them. I have to imagine, though, that it was pretty rough. I mean, imagine being Hurt, trying to have these arguments with a woman who can only communicate by fiddling with her hands. You'd haul off and punch the bitch after awhile too, I bet.

Not Going Gaga

So Lady Gaga puts electrical tape over her nipples and ties her hair into a bow and she's some kind of fucking genius? But if I do that I'm just an old fat freak who needs to go home and think about where he's at in his life and perhaps put a bullet in his brain. Sure. Whatever.

Mischa/Lindsay

Mischa Barton and Lindsay Lohan should trade lives. Then Mischa would finally get some attention, and Lindsay would finally get the peace that comes only when no one gives a flying fuck about you.

Angie's Generous Offer

The Brad and Angie are broken up and warring stories keep coming like a good, long, satisfying shit. Here's a doozy: according to Look, Angelina has offered Brad $90 million to let her have sole custody of all the kids without his raising a fuss.

"The children are Angelina’s life," a source said. "I think she’s already resigned herself to the fact she and Brad may not weather this storm and she’s prepared to do anything to keep them.

“From the start, Angelina made it clear that money was no object and she’d fight tooth and nail for sole custody of all children.

“The fact remains she wants them with her on a daily basis. To ensure this, Angelina sat Brad down and calmly informed him she was prepared to make a one-off, no questions asked $90m payout to him if he’d agree to forgo a nasty custody battle.

Okay. So you're Brad Pitt. It's over between you and allegedly the world's hottest woman (who turned out to be an insane shrieking jealous hypochondriac). You have a choice between being stuck with these kids half the time for the rest of your life, not to mention the agony of still having to deal with Angie from time-to-time, or walking away with $90 million and your absolute total freedom. And how long would it take you to accept that offer? How fast can you spit out the words, "Yes, please, oh thank God in heaven?"

Yeah, I know, Brad loves the kids. But $90 million worth?

Don't forget to send some Sunday pics

I got up late, I apologise. Now I have to go to work, this is MY Monday. Drat Monday! The crystal ball told me I was going to have a bad hair day and sure enough...Send me your pics for Sunday though. Pics of you, your kids, dogs, aardvarks..anything that's really yours. Maybe crabbie will post some gossip. Oh, my gossip is I got some new old shoes and I'll post them tomorrow. They're lucite...are you jealous yet? Okay I'm off on my broom, see ya!

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flying_buttress@hotmail.com Please put DirtyDisher in the title if you haven't written me before. Thanks.

Things That Are Not News

Ashton Kutcher getting 1 million Twitter followers before CNN is not news. You'd think CNN, being a news organization, would know this...yet, I saw this being reported on their crawl, along with all the tragedy, heartbreak and disaster in the world. What the fuck is going on?

Kate Gosselin promotes her new book!

8 Little Dollar Signs, by Kate Gosselin, the inspirational story of one White Trash Mom's rise to fame and glory via a magic uterus.
Chapters include..
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How to make children pay for their own existence
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Child pornography only exists in perverts imagination
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It's all relative, Grand Parents are overrated
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Aunt Jodi is a liar
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How to get everything for FREE!
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I haven't been home in 7 months
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All dogs go to heaven, if you put them to sleep
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How to remove a husbands balls (includes photos of my Kate Spade bag)
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Hannah is perfect
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How to cook like me! (includes grapes and paper plates)
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How to use the Bible as a scamming tool
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Who are all these fucking kids?
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How to get Oprah and Dr. Phil in your pants
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OctoMom aint shit
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The big red spoon ( on small Asian ass)
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How to take away all your child's self esteem and privacy for profit
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Mady sucks
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Everybody who's important is orange
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The secret to my fab hair (includes coupon for dynamite and hand mixer)
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Making up words, (correcting other peoples grammar incorrectly)
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I'm exhausted-ish
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Self rightious-nesh-ish is a right
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How to pack a cardboard box
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I am always right because I am rich

Lindsay Got Invited To Something

All the little oozing STD-ridden starlets got invited to the A/X Watches launch party last night, even Lindsay Lohan. Evidently the A/X people didn't get the memo that Lindsay is now a bad risk. Or maybe they were actually hoping she would have some kind of meltdown and bring them lots of press coverage. Unfortunately, as far as I know, things went off without a hitch.

Not Feelin' The New Seth Rogen

I was beginning to develop a grudging affection for Seth Rogen, in spite of my general disdain for bellowing over-the-top comic actors, but then he got skinny and now I don't like him at all again. Yeah, okay, I get it - being fat ain't healthy. But I'm sorry - when a guy gets as skinny as Seth has gotten, that's not about health, it's about plain old vanity. And vanity ain't cool. So, back to Crabbie's doghouse, former fat, cuddly funny-man.

All Hail The New Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee Simpson has been more-or-less MIA since pumping out that Jungle Book kid of hers, but that's okay, because now we have Ali Lohan to step into that void. All Ali needs is a nose-job and an absurd emo faggot boyfriend and she'll be good to go (she already has the nitwit sister, insane father and failed music career parts taken care of).

Congrats Heidi and Seal

Heidi Klum is pregnant again..number four. Whoa..that'll teach her. Simmer down, Henry.

Pete Wentz's releases photo of the nursery

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson paid some "artist" to do this to their kid's walls. Give me a break, if you can't paint this shit yourself, then have your kid do it. Liss is 4 and does a pretty good Scooby Doo. "Art" gag, aside...I do not know why people think kids want to look at confused crap all over. Kids want YOUR stuff, that's all they want. So why not paint pics of all the shit you don't want them to touch on their wall, because YOUR SHIT is what they dream of. It's all they dream of. I don't know any kid who's into Poo. Not one. Only their parents.

Mom's from Hell

There's a ton of mother/kid horror stories this week which should make all of us regular parental fuck ups feel damn good. Lindsay and Dina were heard fighting in Lind's rental house, Easter Sunday, by neighbors. Dina want's The Blow in rehab again and the fight ended with Lindsay begging Dina to stop. “Mom, stop it!” “Enough!” “Quit it!” Dina still goes to clubs with her kid, drinks with them, snorts with them and dresses like her daughters. She even has the same hair extensions. Dina's a fucked up whore. She lives in a house Lindsay bought her. She lives off money Lindsay gave her for herself and the other kids. Dina Lohan has a job like I have a Maserati and a masseuse. In ya fuckin' head, Dina! The only reason she gives a fuck about Lindsay's rehab is so she can get her stash.
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Candy Spelling is still talking about Tori saying: “She’s always playing the victim, but at 36 years old, I think it’s time not to play the victim anymore.” At 107 years old, it's time for you to shut the fuck up, Candy. Tori IS the victim and she hasn't said jack shit about you. I have to buy the book to hear it. Candy also shat out that Tori uses her kids for publicity and she want to protect them. “I certainly never took one of my kids and made them objects,” she explains. “It’s always like they’ve got them when it’s convenient for the press. They are objects that are being used for her press persona… My kids — although she says differently — had a very normal life.” Normal??!? Cunt, you've never even met Stella, wtf are you on??

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Then there's that Gosselin bitch who says she will not buy her kids a car when they're older, she will teach them the value of work ethics. THEY ARE WORKING. Those kids bought you everything you own, your mansion, your wardrobe, your cars, your personal chef, your gardener..Every single thing bought with naked photos and films of your children taking a dump. Shut the fuck up, White Trash!

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OctoTwat says she will not have a reality show. That's exploitation for losers. She will have a documentary showing her kids from birth to age 18 on camera for the world to watch. It's educational and she'll document their memories for them this way. Kate Gosselin already handed everyone that line of horse shit. OctoTwat is smarter than Kate, but, so is a rubber glove. It's the reality TV liars club.

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I don't know about you, but, I feel better about how I raised my kids now. My mistakes were cotton candy compared to these whores.

Gwenyth tells us why talking bad about HER is wrong

Paltrow is mad again, because no one understand that she is trying to make the world a better place and teach us ignorant low lives how to live. GOOP. The emails she posted are obviously from herself and she's sic'n some "experts" on us. Gwenyth's spiritual smack down falls short, because it's boring and self serving, as usual. Yawneroo. Paltrow thinks her shit doesn't stink, but, you can smell it all over the planet. And she has no friends. Luckily, she enjoys her nose up her own bung hole.

Top Frog Miffed At Obama

French president Nicolas Sarkozy is talking shit about Barack Obama behind his back, calling the prez "unoriginal, unsubstantial and overrated" just days after making kissy-face with Barack during his first big overseas trip. Sarkozy is said to be especially bent out of shape over the rock-star reception Barack received in Europe, and has complainingly labeled the media "naive" for fawning over the new president. Sarkozy reportedly says that Barack's recent call to eliminate nuclear weapons was nothing but rhetoric and hot air, and points out the Bush administration was talking disarmament long before Barack came on the scene. The French leader is also at odds with Obama on certain wonky foreign policy matters including the debate over Turkish inclusion in the EU.

Yeah, well, French people smell and they surrender to the Germans all the time, and they like Jerry Lewis and their women don't shave their armpits. And they suck at rock music and they like mimes and their accents make them sound stuck-up and faggy. And they're rude and full of themselves. Did I miss anything? Let me consult The Book of Lame, Cliched Insults.

By the way, Sarkozy is probably right about Barack, but that doesn't mean he isn't a snippy, resentful little ass with a slut for a wife.

Hulk Hogan's New-Found Appreciation For O.J. Simpson

Watching his estranged wife Linda gallivant around with his daughter Brooke's 19-year-old former classmate has given Hulk Hogan a new perspective...one from which he finds himself able to not only understand but sympathize with the actions of wife-murdering Capricorn One star O.J. Simpson.

"I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat," the roid-raging former wrestler told Rolling Stone. "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater [Florida] and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife...

"I totally understand OJ. I get it."

The worst thing for a man to do in such a situation is hold those homicidal feelings in. They need to be expressed. Don't fight it, Hulk. Loose your inner-OJ. Chop that bitch to pieces, and that little fucker she's fucking. And then go find that whore of a daughter and slice her up too. And that menace Nick. And anyone else you can think of who annoys me and needs to be gotten rid of.

Jamie Foxx Feels The Wrath Of Miley, Folds Like A Negro Tent

Jamie Foxx was informed that his rant against Miley Cyrus on the radio was over-the-line (though still pretty funny). Last night on Leno, the comedian and Ray Charles impersonator offered this heartfelt apology:



It was either that or risk being rubbed out by one of Miley's goober goons. Jamie, being black, knows not to mess with ornery crackers.

Grey Gardens - Sneak Peak

I thought they were my relatives, nope. They were Jackie O's.

I want to see Gray Gardens

Jessica Lange annoys the hell out of me, though. She always looks like she's smelling a fart and her eyes are off kilter...which would be fine if she was sweet. That's a bitch face if I ever saw one. Don't tell me you can't tell. You can tell.

LOL of the day

There's something about........Mary. That's Mario's heart. He hearts him.

A disciple of the Rosie O'Donnel school of fashion

I thought she was a Scientologist. Many hats, many hats.

Yeah, this isn't frightening at all

Hulk Hogan is sounding homicidal over the way his wife Linda dumped him, forced him out of his $18 million mansion, allegedly started spending his money at the rate of $40,000 a month and dating "some shaggy-haired pool boy 30 years her junior," Rolling Stone reports. "I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat," he told the magazine. "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it."
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This coming from the douche who said God put the smackdown on John Graziano because he didn't live right. OJ had a right to slice people up because they made him angry. That makes sense..IF YOU'RE PSYCHO! Buy a gun, Linda. There is something terribly wrong with all the Hogans.

Incorrectly written? Thats the least of RiRi's worries

An expert on an education website says the first part of Rihanna's new tatoo means "forgiveness, honesty, suppression and control" and is from Gita, a holy Hindu Sanskrit scripture, but says it is "incorrectly written".

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What it really says is "Bitch boy bad for my career." When she grows a brain, she'll be sorry she wrote ignorant shit all over her body.

Oksana Kolesnikova denies sleeping with Mel Gibson

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I would too. Then I would add that I got piss drunk and someone slipped me Rohypnol and I passed out and they declared me dead at the emergency room and he corpse fucked me when they accidentally put me in the morgue.

Melanie in her own world

Melanie Griffith at the Easter parade in Spain. No one else dressed like this. So what? Melanie never hurts anyone, if she wants to dress like Senora Poofsleeves or the Frito Bandito, who cares? Maybe it turns Antonio on. He stays with her for a reason. We just don't know the reason.

Star exclusive! (Star shits itself)

"Despite the bitter break up and amdist the ugliness".......that sucks. Have to lay off the drugs for 7 whole months. At least she can still fuck her brother.

What the difference between Paris Hilton and John Belushi T-shirt?

The T-shirt sold out because people actually like it.

I'll have what she's having

It girl, Agyness Deyn's been hanging with Phantom Planet frontman Alex Greenwald. Never heard of him, but, he's evil pretty. I'll take that when you're done, Aggie. I'll have him washed and brought to my tent. He can do my bidding. So be it.

Behold

Madonna's releasing photoshopped pictures of herself and Mercy. She emailed them to Malawi newspapers. That's how Mary looked when Jesus was born and the wisemen showed up with memory cards and digital imagery.

Mariah is mad that we insulted her Easter dress

Mariah Twitters: "I don't know what was worse, the bleak angles and bright peach dress ... or the b.s. commentary/blogs, but Nick looked cute." And, "And if I gained a few pounds.. my trainers back living with me again."
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So there. When Mariah gets fat, or thinks she's fat, it makes my week. Does she think the "angle" made her head shrink? Does she Google herself constantly? Just BUY THE RIGHT SIZE, STUPID.

Another crazy one..great

Jennifer Love Hewitt: "My new thing is that I always take my bubble baths wearing a tiara … I am a grownup who bathes in a tiara. One that I got from Disneyland."
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My new thing is to stop posting about you because you're crazier than Britney and at least she has some good songs.

PS..you're photo shopped and your nose looks like a jelly bean smoking a cigarette.

How John Mayer got Jessica to shut it

Mayer had a little trick when he was with Jessica Simpson.."John used to tell Jess all the time, 'I'm really attracted to your spiritual side,' " a friend said. "He'd tell her that every time she opened her mouth to speak. It was a nice way of basically saying, 'Just sit there and be pretty, and don't ruin it with talk.' The sad thing is she started to tell people, 'I'm working on being more spiritual,' and then just sit there quietly."
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Page Six got that gossip from one of John's asshole friends and Simpson's reps had no comment. I don't think it speaks well of Mayer to be an ex of Jessica Simpson. That's like saying, hey, I dated a door knob, but, it was a really hot hand carved brass antique door knob. Still a fucking door knob. Put that in your pipe and fire it up, John.

It's All This Guy's Fault

All this time we thought it was Sam Ronson and the paps ruining Lindsay's life, but it turns out it was really her stylist pal Patrick Aufdenkamp, a man of fluctuating sexual preference who is described as a "bad influence" on innocent, dear little Lindz. Aufdenkamp has, among other sins, reportedly encouraged Lindsay to drink and drug despite her being on probation. Cause Lindsay would never do those things without being pushed into them.

For more insight into the perverted, Lohan-destroying mind of Patrick Aufdenkamp, hit this Gawker page full of his leaked Twitter postings. I'd type out a few of them but I haven't sorted my toenail clippings lately and they're getting soooooo disarranged.

Jamie Foxx Blasts Miley Cyrus And Her Gums

A radio show segment featuring Jamie Foxx turned ugly when Foxx started in on teen-pop sensation Miley Cyrus. Let's listen to the hilarity (NSFW):



Does anyone have a problem with anything he said? No? Good. Let's move on...

More from the brilliant Miss Susan Boyle

Here's a little more about the woman who turned Simon Cowell and all of Britian (and now the U.S.) upside down and inside out with her performance of I Dreamed A Dream, from Les Miserables. Susan lives with her cat, Pebbles in remote Bathgate. Susan sang some Karaoke and in church choir but hadn't sung in two years, after the death of her mother.

Susan: ''Mum lived with me and she was my life - I cared for her.
'But she urged me to enter this show as she said I had a fantastic voice. So this year I thought I'd go for it - and I can't believe what has happened.''
She added: "I hope my mum and dad Patrick are looking down on me - they'll be so proud."

"I'll get used to the fame side of things with baby steps - one step at a time. I am enjoying it very much just now. It's very good. I'll take the fame in my stride."

Miss Boyle admitted she has never been on a date, or even been kissed. She is taking her fame cautiously, but, having a good time. You'll be kissed now, Susan, you charmer...you are magic. I think Simon's in love.

Drew Barrymore does Regis and Kelly

Hollywood is over the Posh bob now and into the French braid twist it seems. I think Drew is just cute and happy, I can't think of bad things to say about her. I think that dumb blond routine is just an act. She might be one of the few Hollywoodites who owns a brain.