Allow me..

Song for Jessica

I'm.. cuntry, and....my...tits,

Look great.. in this shirt that doesn't fit,

My hair is greasy and it looks like shit,

but, I use Proactive so I don't got any zits!
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I... let

the greatest farts you ever smelt,

I'm cuntry..you can tell by..

my belt.

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Tony.. Romo.. is the love of my life

The National Enquirer says I'm gonna be his wife,

I'm.. famous and it's goin' to my head..

I'm bigger than the pile I left in John Mayer's bed!

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I... let

the greatest farts you ever smelt,

I'm cuntry...you can tell by..

my belt

Igfugcuntwhoretwathasbeen

It's a word because I say it is. How DO you distract obsessed fans of a defunct tweeny TV show remake from the fact that your eyes are in two separate time zones? Wear a dress cut to your pubic bone and tip your head and hope they don't notice because they're all wanking off to Dylan's sideburns or Toris sTory. Guess what, worthless bitch, one of your peepers is still two feet above the other one. You should tie a mother fuckin' parachute to your eyelashes and see if that goofy fucker can float down to sea level.

You can stop with the look, Sam

She can wipe that mad look off her face because I'm never giving Michael Lohan the time of day anymore. Some TV station idiots have given Michael an hour of air time (he says) to shit on his kid some more and show personal messages she's sent him. Michael Lohan is NOT a fucking celebrity. His daughter is. A minor teen obsession. The whole damn family is a sad mess, Ali will never amount to shit, their mother is a greedy skank, but, the dad is the worst, by far. The DD will not be watching or reading anymore of the train wreck called Michael Lohan, intent on destroying his own daughter. No one gives a shit, I know, but, it's the only protest I have. Tossing the tosser into the nasty file with Heidi Ho and Spence-wad and that fucktard hubby of Gabor. Prince wank-alot. All the fucks from The Hills, politicians, Michael Phelps (who gives a fuck?) and barely known rappers who shoot each other. Eat me.

Gunk earred crusty Posh needs a wash rag

WTF IS that VB? Hair dye? Wax? Excess tanner? Dried soccer player spooge? Too much time spent in Eva LongWhoria's Besso or Kate Beckintwats pharoh's tomb? A line of celebrity cotton swabs is in order.

Bad review on Jessica Simpson concert

Niagara Falls Review.. Simpson couldn’t stop talking when she should have been singing. John writes, “Simpson needs to explain in exhausting detail what every single song is about, and the endless banter kills any momentum. She’s still living in a reality show, convinced everyone is so fascinated with her personal life, they’d rather hear her talk than sing.

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Her fans are a bunch of white trash women with the brain power of a popcorn fart dipped in Jack Daniels, so they probably loved her blabbing and figured they got their $70 bucks a ticket worth. Tony is her true love, Nick cheated, she was abused by mean girls, God gave her a gift, she fucked the entire cast of Jackass, she had explosive diarrhea in Mayer's bed, wait no, she skipped those last two parts. What..........ever, Jessica. It's bad when no one needs to photo shop you to get this many retarded photos. Yeee haw. Carry on.

Burn After Reading Trailer

Looks like fun. Brad Pitt plays an idiot..wow. What a stretch.

“Bootheel Trading Company” Launch

Hot on the heels of other celebrity mess's launching fashion lines for the feeble..let's not even talk about Tara Reid...Gawd....here's Sheryl Crow's effort. Yeah. So, she's not only a song thief, she's an idiot. Who in the name of fuck is going to buy that? It looks like Three's Company took the short bus to the rodeo. Wipe that smile off your face with one square of green toilet paper, bitch, and leave this crap in the porta-potty where it belongs.

Glazed ham..new Coco photo

Thanksgiving is not that far off..ummm, stick some cloves in those suckers and you could feed a third world country.

Gary Unmarried

Okay, got up early and spent some time watching clips from Gary Unmarried which will premiere September 24th. Synop.."The show is set where Gary and his ex-wife are recently divorced. They have two young children together, a boy and a girl. Gary comes to find out that his ex-wife is engaged to their marriage counselor. He is also beginning to date again, a girl who lies to him about being a single mother."
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Jay Mohr is adorable and can usually make anything work, though this seems to be a sruggle. The kid who plays his son is really cute, he reminds me of reader Crystal's son when he was that age. (Waves to Crystal.) Anyhow, there are several clips on You Tube and the official site. I hope it works out, I'm a huge Jay Mohr fan.

Melinda might become a widow

source
David Conrad's character might be killed off in this seasons Ghost Whisperer. I only catch it in reruns when I'm bored because JLH has the hottest goth wardrobe on TV, so I could give a shit, but, then I thought..OMG, she could hook up with hot Jay Mohr (the only other reason to watch this crap.) But, then I found out Jay left the show to do his own show called Gary Unmarried. I have to go look that up because I'll watch anything with Jay Mohr in it. Oh, and does anyone else think it's dumb to kill off a character in a show where she talks to dead people every day? Dur. Something tells me David Conrad's paycheck will remain the same.

Angie's stressed out with 6 kids

source
"Sleep-deprived and emotional, Angelina is said to be receiving medical treatment for her stress. A source tells Now, "She's in tears up to three times a day and so tired that Brad's found her collapsed asleep in the bath twice."She's been working around the clock, breast-feeding the babies and trying to get them to sleep. But as soon as one of them drops off, the other wakes up for another feed."She's also not eating very much right now and blames that on being busy. The doctor says that she needs more calories to gain strength and ensure that her breast milk is healthy.""
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Bullshit! She's fine. Jolie knows how to cope, she's a gawddam ambassador fer cripes sake!

Jessica Simpson's IQ goes up

Jessica to concert goers in Ontario: "I do pass gas a lot," she said "I guarantee it smells like roses."
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So it's actually her breath that smells like a bucket of pig shit and rotting meat? I wish I'd been a mouse in the corner when John Mayer woke up and said "Who left this big pile of lovely roses in my bed?"

Ben Affleck finally finds the perfect job

Can someone answer a question for me?

Mackenzie Phillips is out of jail, she got bailed out by her sister Bijou Phillips and her boy friend Danny Masterson (yeah, Hyde from That 70's Show)..they offered to bail her yesterday, but, Mackenzie said no. I can understand that, she was probably feeling pretty down, but, a night in jail changed her mind. It's good she still has family who cares about her. That's what family does, no matter how much of a fuck up you are.

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The story came out about her bust and it said she was antsy and couldn't stop moving so that's why she was searched. During the search a bag fell out of her pants, down her pants leg and out onto the floor. (Ever hear of duct tape? Geez.) At that point, Makenzie admitted she was holding and was arrested. Those look like personal stash to me, so it's not like she's a drug mule, but, when will druggies learn that you can buy that crap AFTER you land? Anyhow, what I want to know is why she had 34 needles on her? She's not a diabetic. Do druggies need 34 needles?? Someone on here must know why anyone would carry that many.

David Duchovny in rehab

David Duchovny: “I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction,” the X-Files actor says in a public exclusive statement. “I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”
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Long rumored to have the largest, umm, file in Hollywood, Duchovny left out the best gossip by not telling us who his addiction was shared with. If he screwed around, how did he avoid being caught? If it was just his wife that he was addicted to, she probably kicked his ass to rehab herself. Who wouldn't after a decade of mad humping? Take your big old file and get the fark away from me! Some genius needs to make a reverse Viagra. Then they could send trash emails to women who'd actually read them. David Duchovny...decidedly less attractive today.

Spoiled little rich girls

The Duff sister's daddy is in jail for contempt of court, a result of selling assets without the courts approval ...and it all started because Hil and Hay's mom took his rich old ass to court to make him pay $25,000 for a birthday party for Hilary's 21st. She claims that's what they spent on Haylie's 21st two years ago. The judge told Bob Duff he WOULD shell out for his half of the party and then slapped him in jail for not reporting some bucks he'd made.

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Beats the fuck out of me how you can order a man to pay for his kids party when she's 21. Both these stupid worthless girls could pay for their own crap. They probably don't make enough money to guarantee the d-listed guest list though. Their money grubbing mom says poor Hilary has abandonment issues with Daddy and needs "to have some kind of recognition for a young life well-lived." Then pick up the phone and call him..what a bunch of worthless cunts. It makes me embarrassed to own a vagina.

Kate Moss's teepee's piss off the neighbors

Don't ask me why Kate Moss has teepee's in her yard, but, she does, that's them, and her neighbors are pissed about it. They lodged formal complaints with the planning authority claiming she doesn't have permission for teepee's (wtf?) and they block the view. The stupid teepee's are the same height as the vegetation so, again, wtf? I wish I had a neighbor who wanted to get stoned in his damn tee pee. My neighbors pee in their yard and raise yappies.

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Photo credit..Photo: Barry Clack - Oxfordpictures.com

So you think American reality TV is bad?

THOSE crazy Dutch TV makers are at it again - this time they're pushing a show that hooks women up with ex-cons.
The catch?
On "Prisoner of Love," women go on blind dates with newly-released criminals and have to guess what crime they were jailed for.

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Neato! I can't wait for the part where they introduce the kids to their new daddy.

Herp in a cart

You know who that is because her plastic mug isn't allowed on here. She had a big H on her belt buckle for Ho, Herp, Horrid, whatever, the talentless fame whore plopped her slimy twat in a grocery cart for attention and left fecal matter and ho-gina crust for the next unsuspecting customer. Yeah, she did. Back on my rant about germs in public places..be careful where you put your food. Never, no matter how tempting, use the kid seat part for groceries. Kids sit there in pooped pants all the time. There's always sale papers laying around, use them to line the front part of the cart. Use the germ wipes on handles. I am so not kidding. Yesterday I stopped to get some grub after work and this kid was licking all the lunch meat packages he could reach. He was two, he could reach two whole rows and was just licking them for fun. His fat ass worthless mom saw him do it and yelled "Get yer ass the fuck over here!" Then she walked off and left him to lick some more with his runny nose. Never take the first package of anything. Dig behind and take the last one and put the first one carefully back in place. Oh, my store keeps extras in a drawer underneath the shelves. It looks just like the bottom of a shelf, but, if you pull, there's new stuff in there stinky people haven't found and fingered. Check and see if your store has those. I am totally gross'd out by this whore sitting her diseased crack in a food cart. Nasty. Avoid nasty, it can make you very sick.

SandHumper's dad died having good times with his mom

Kay: “On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay says exclusively in the latest issue of Us Weekly. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened.
“I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing,” she says. “But it was just the best way to go!”
And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff.
“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.

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Should I even mention the fact that Kay McConaughey's other grandson is named Miller Lite? No, I guess not, that might indicate the whole family is kind of screwy and I wouldn't want to perpetuate a myth. I wasn't even going to blog this but, I WAS amazed that having sex with a Cloris Leachman clone is fatal. Who knew? A warning to all you men out there who purchased the popular Cloris Leachman love doll.

Sam's mad..more Lohan fighting

Read Ronson's response to the Michael Lohan feud HERE. I figured since I'd covered this much of it, I'd better post Sam's response. Michael Lohan has accused Sam of writing a tell all book about Lindsay and says he's had it with these "parasites" and he will confront them himself, in person. Mr. Lohan will no doubt bring a camera crew when he does it, so hopefully we'll get some lesbian kicking his ass photos. This guy never stops. At least someone is using their My Space for something slightly less boring than a "friends" they don't know list and sparkle smiley face gif's.

WTF is that thing?

How to distract people from your fucking melting nose and asshole lips? Wear jammie bottoms with a too small tux jacket. And your Liz Taylor wig and shades. What? No pennies in the loafers? Jeez.

You're not "my boy" you ridiculous bitch

Diddy, you have to see it to believe it. His You Tube blog bitching about the price of gas..he won't spend $250,000 a week on a trips in his private jet anymore, so he relates to us. Yeah. Fuck dat.

Solange "Nose" is dumber than a stump..

..and also a royal bitch. She should call her new album "I'm-a-cunt" and her fashion line "Asshole-relatives." Enough of this horrid woman.

Mackenzie Phillips busted

Mackenzie Phillips was busted yesterday at LAX. She was stopped during the screening process and security found baggies and balloons believed to contain heroin and cocaine. This isn't her first run in with the law over controlled substances. Phillips just can't seem to stop using even though her life has been interrupted over and over and her career derailed by drug use. She used to roll joints for her dad, John Phillips (Mamas and the Papas) when she was just a little girl. Those were different times, she needs to let it go. She's 48 now..and still in custody in LA.

We can't blame Britney for this

Kevin Federline needs a stylist, or at least some advice from a grown up. Maybe George Clooney could email him some tips. He looks ridiculous in his teenager from the hood crap. Fed's a good looking guy, but, man, this is lame. Are those bowling shoes?

The Blow responds to her dad's comments

Lindsay Lohan has a few things to blog about after her father called Sam a "parasite"..you can read her own words HERE. She basically wants him to shut up and calls him a fame whore. Her writing skills have improved since I last read her, though she still doesn't know where the cap key is, but, she does have a sense of humor. I laughed at her closing with " i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17." Good, that's one more check that Dina can cash.

O.J. attacked by his own daughter

August 24.....police cars were dispatched to O.J. Simpson's house in Kendall, Fla., after his oldest daughter, Arnelle attacked him. The two had a fight where Arnelle accused her dad of never supporting her mother, Marquerite who has to work at Wal-Mart to make ends meet. Arnelle was upset that Simpson supports his girl friend, Christie Prody. She shoved her father into a glass cabinet and it shattered and knocked him to the ground, he was cut on the back of his head, blood was coming out the side of his mouth and his lip was cut. Arnelle called 911, but, hung up. The call was traced to OJ's house. Simpson declined to press charges.
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Arnelle needs to learn how to finish the job. Lets take up a collection and send her a lovely chain saw.

Ha ha ha ha clown feets!

Today Benji had on a shirt that said "OBEY", which may sound sexist, but, it's not because she can't read and he knows that. He could wear a shirt that said "THIS WHORE GAVE ME HERPES" and she'd just grin and say "that's hot." She looks like a slut version of Minnie Mouse here.

Brad's boys

Brad Pitt took Mad and Pax somewhere..don't make me read where, I just look at pictures with my cereal. I think it said Venice, but, Italy or California or? Maybe he BOUGHT Italy for them. Yeah. With the money they saved skipping the barber. No, it's real Venice..damn, why did I look? Anyhow, George Clooney and Brad were at Not On Our Watch benefit and some total jerkwad asked George when he was going to settle down. George: “I am so surprised to hear that question. That is honestly the first time I’ve been asked that question. I am getting married and having children today. Brad?” George deadpanned. “And until then I’ll be sharing mine with him. I’ll have two more by next year,” Brad quickly added.
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George is funny and nice to idiots who ask ignorant questions, but, I doubt Pitt was kidding. I hope he names the new ones Axe and Jax. Or Flax and Crax. Or triplets, Sad, Bad and Doodad. Dr. Seuss could have had a heyday with that family. And I just want Brad and George to finally kiss. You know they want to, but, Angie won't let them unless Jon Voight adopts Clooney.

A fine nasal whine

Yeah, there actually IS yet another reason to hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Spain..On The Road Again. PBS, September.

Will the real parasite please stand up?

Michael Lohan has a few things to say..“I’m not happy,” Michael says. “Ever since [Lindsay] got out of rehab and all these people came back into her life, things haven’t been right.
“People like Samantha Ronson don’t need to be around Lindsay. She shouldn’t be dragging Lindsay around nightclubs. Who was Samantha Ronson before Lindsay Lohan? She was nobody. She is using her for her own gain. All these people have inserted themselves into her life like parasites, and it’s not right. I’m done with them.”
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As for his ex, Dina Lohan?
"Dina is a kiss-ass. She's just nice to everybody, trying to be friends with everyone, just so she can be on Lindsay's good side. And it is wrong. She should be a mother first."
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Dina isn't nice to anyone, so I can think of much better words to describe her. Oh, and Michael is marrying that younger than him chick who resembles his oldest daughter. I'm sure Ronson gives a shit what this loser thinks. She probably read that and farted in his general direction. Sam gets to feel up Lindsay and Michael has to marry an imposter and keep the lights low.

The sounds from Britney's mic

Uhhhhhh, gawd, that's sad.

The tour continues

When will this be over????

Brooke and Charlie are preg

Charlie Sheen and his wife, real estate investor, Brooke Mueller are going to have a baby. When Denise Richards was informed she got a dreamy look on her face and said "I hope it's a boy, his tranny infested sperm would make a cute boy to add to my farm. What do you mean it isn't mine??? Everything is mine!! Get out of my ass!!!"

Kate Hudson is being sued

In its suit, 220 Laboratories says it was the only supplier of volcanic ash in the United States and that it entered an “oral contract” with Hudson and hairstylist, David Babaii in 2006 to develop and manufacture hair products. But Hudson and Babaii came out with their own volcanic ash hair product recently and say they don't know 220 Laboratory.
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Well, dur. Kate Hudson was surfing with Owen Wilson when she accidentally fell into a volcano and her hair turned out hot. Then she was biking with Lance Armstrong and accidentally fell into another volcano and again, hot hair. By process of elimination, Kate realized it wasn't photo shop or loser jizz that made her hair so great, it was volcanic ash! Kate Hudson is brilliant.

How do you spell dunce?

Google it, PantyLiner. Oh, then look up insignificant and overrated.

Pam Anderson talks about her reality show

Pam: "I think it’s a lot different to be a reality show. A reality show, there’s a beginning and a middle and an end and something happens. But my life is so sporadic and so crazy: none of its contrived, none of it’s made up."

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It's all made up and shot through a gauze curtain which is a good idea because for unknown reasons, Pam has become a wonk eyed clown. Next week the lip liner will travel to her forehead and fight with the botox. I can't wait for that episode!

Kid Rock interview

CMT interview with Kid..."I truly believe that people like myself, who are in a position of entertainers in the limelight, should keep their mouth shut on politics," he noted. "Because at the end of the day, let me tell you what I 'm good at: I'm good at writing songs and singing. What I'm not educated in is the field of political science. And so for me to be sharing my views and influencing people of who I think they should be voting for ... I think would be very irresponsible on my part. So I'll just keep my mouth shut on that."He further suggests that political candidates might be better off to avoid close connections to those in the entertainment business."I think celebrity endorsements hurt politicians," he said. "Because as soon as somebody comes out for a politician, especially in Hollywood, when they all go, 'I'm voting for this guy!' -- I go, 'That's not who I'm voting for!' ... As soon as Oprah Winfrey pops up and goes 'Ha-la-la-la-la,' I'm like, 'I love Barrack Obama. I hate Oprah Winfrey.'" He adds, "I don't hate her. I just don't believe in her, so I don't want any part of any of that. I think celebrities hurt politicians."
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Kid on blogs..."There's a real problem with this Internet thing and everyone thinking they have a voice," he said. "This is where freedom can get out of hand. Everybody should not have a voice is what we've just proven by the Internet. Because I'm convinced that Jesus Christ could come back onto this earth and forgive everybody's sins, and it'd be the greatest day in mankind ever. Somebody would take a picture of him. They'd put him on a Web site like TMZ, and the first comment would be 'Jesus is a douche bag.' You know what I'm sayin'?
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I know what you're sayin',Kid...YOU have a voice. Only entertainers should have a voice. And they should be afraid to say they hate Oprah. But, he DID prove the grounds for the first part of his statements. Maybe he's a genius in disguise? Yeah, I'll bet that's it. He's a genius disguised as an idiot and I just got it. Lucky me.

How much is Jen's smile worth?

Jen Aniston keeps smiling, John Mayer is still scowling. Paparazzi are a fickle bunch, they let it slip that Mayer is upset the no one is really stalking him now. Seems photos of Mayer with Aniston fetched $20,000 grand and photos of Mayer alone bring only $200. His little pap pups are laughing behind his back because he thought he was as big a star as Aniston. You can take all that shit with a grain of salt, because they're all a bunch of dogs, but, the prices are probably right. No word on what an Aniston candid brings, but, John needs to have a heart to heart with her to get in the paps good graces again. Or find another not so retarded chick-flick star to date. That's probably not a big problem. Any guesses on who will be next in line for the JM---D?

MK, the fashion icon

Mary-Kate on things she would like to do, but can’t, because of the public eye: “I would love to be able to swim in the ocean in Malibu. But that is asking for a bikini shot. That’s inviting something that I don’t want to happen. I don’t need to be on a Who’s Skinny, Who’s Fat, Who’s Looking Healthy, Who’s Not Eating?’ list.”

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I didn't know the ocean had a dress code. Buy Malibu and wear cut offs.

“Domestic Bliss” to blur the lines of reality

The bottom photo was part of a series called “Domestic Bliss” by Steven Klein and the 2005 spread (if I remember right) came out during the Mr. And Mrs. Smith movie and Pitt's divorce from Aniston. It prompted Jen to say in an interview that Brad was "missing his sensitivity chip." Now it's being recreated by Brad Pitt who will take the new W photos himself. A bunch of tiny models are out of a job this time. It will be interesting to see how Brad sees his family. I keep thinking he's either a jack of all trades who actually has talent with a camera..or...this is the intellectual equivalent of jumping up and down on Oprah's couch.

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Damn, I spelled pandering wrong. I'm a lazy dyslexic...I'll leave it.

Nicole Kidman...Breast or bottle!??

The original article with this blurry photo (the EXCLUSIVE first pic of Sunday Rose..OMFG!) says the nanny carried the baby bottles. The significance of that statement is profound, there are probably a million "mommy" blogs now having a war over breast or bottle and calling Aussie social services. Uhhh, you can pump that stuff into a bottle, guys, and even if you don't, the kid will live. Besides, I'm not even sure that's a baby. It might be a melon.

Kendra blogs, ha ha!

Ha ha ha, she doesn't pick her dog poop up. Ha ha! She talks about the Olive Garden scandal. Ha ha ha! She promises that soon she'll blog about Hef's brunette, haha! No, seriously, she types ha ha a lot. Shrugs. Hey, there's nothing else going on today. Kendra's bloggin'.

Pink "So What?"

Pink. So What @ Yahoo! Video

This is how I get sucked into Pink's world. I'll listen and say, so what? But, wait, what did she say??? Laughing my ass off, I click it again to make sure I heard right. Suddenly it's catchy and in my head. And THAT is how I became a Pink fan. "I'm a rock star." Yeah, you are.

Minnie Driver, beach, bikini, friend in a bikini

Ummmm, ouch? There has to be one person on Earth who will someday google "Minnie Driver bikini"..and get this post. Ha ha to you, loser.

Aunt Jodi speaks out...a little...and very politely

Here's a new posting on the blog of Aunt Jodi's sister, for those of you who follow the Kate-Gate saga. I'm addicted to it now, but, the best site for Jon And Kate plus 8 gossip is still GWoP. If you have time to pick through there you find all kinds of links and scandal. The first link tells us that Julie really is Jodi's sister, not some net imposter.
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The last episode of Kate plus Kate about did me in. You can find out what I mean if you didn't see it by clicking Beach Trip on the GWoP link. I thought they treated their kids pretty bad in that one and were downright mean to a couple of them. It was supposed to be damage control and instead it made my skin crawl. I don't think I want to watch it anymore, but, the gossip is so fun to read.

Unfortunate head shots

There is one bright spot..no one will notice the lipstick on her teeth.

Sticky Sweet tour turning straight men everywhere?

If that doesn't give you nightmares, nothing will. They should cast her in the new Rocky Horror. She's the only acceptable nouveau Frank N. Furter, which will no longer be sexy, but, actual horror... with sucky music.