Someone Still Cares About Lindsay

Who says Lindsay Lohan can't still get magazine covers? See? A Chinese version of Harper's Bazaar. She's huge over there. Her name translates to "One Who Smells Like Shanghai Fish Stand and Trades Sucky Sucky for Magic-Dragon-Powder."

There's a new religion..seriously

Their creed, say the Cullenists, includes a base set of beliefs that Edward and the rest of the Twilight characters are real, that the Twilight series should be worshipped, and that if you are good in life, you will be blessed with eternity with the Cullens. You must also read the Twilight series everyday, like the bible, and take a pilgrimage to the site where the movie was filmed.

I sense a tiny flaw in their plan. Twilight is a fucking movie!!! I based my own plan for the afterlife on Rocky Horror. These people are just silly. Edward doesn't even wear fishnets.

Senile..of just plain crafty?

Here's another story about my mom, I know you guys love those. Today I was mopping and it's close quarters in here, so I opened the door and sat a small table, a footstool and a plant stand outside on the patio thingy. I mopped and sat down at the comp to read comments and have some coffee. When the floor dried, I opened my door and the furniture was gone. Just gone!
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I went over to Mom's and there it was. I said wtf? She told me "Well, I thought you were throwing it out." I said, do you actually want or need this stuff, because if you do, I guess you can have it. She said, no, she was going to sell it in her next yard sale. She says I'm wasteful and she makes money off my trash. Sigh. I reached in my pocket and I had $2 dollars. I handed it to her and said, here, I'll save you some trouble. I was laughing. She took my two dollars and said "That table is worth more than two bucks, that's an antique." I said, yeah, but, I'm family...and took my table home. She got to keep the footstool and crappy plant stand.

Madonna with Mercy James

Shouldn't Madonna be holding the girls hand, instead of an assistant? The kid looks terrified.

Gisele and Tom in Costa Rica

Gisele is just trying to piss Bridget off now. Bridget's friend: "Bridget has her own life, she doesn't need to be involved in the drama of all this, and she finds it disrespectful that her son is being paraded around in front of the paparazzi when she's specifically made it a point of keeping him away from that," a friend close to Bridget revealed on Friday.
"I can count on two hands, in two years, the number of times Bridget has been photographed with that baby. I can count on two hands the number of times in the past month that Gisele has been photographed with that baby," the source pointed out.

Madonna won't take no for an answer

Madonna will appeal the court ruling denying her adoption. Sure she will. We knew that..she's Madonna. She fucked up though. Remember when we were told that Mercy had been handed over to Madonna's people and was being cared for by a nanny? That info came from her lawyers. Madonna had her people march in there like storm troopers and the orphanage was intimidated. The paperwork wasn't signed and Madonna wasn't even there! Then she shows up expecting to sign on the dotted line and take her new kid home. That judge had to inform her that she is not the Queen of the world. She'll probably get that child eventually, but, why did she have to be such a giant asshole about the whole thing? She needs to learn some manners. Have you ever fallen off a high horse? It's embarrassing, but, rarely fatal. If you're smart, you learn from it.

We're not so backwards anymore

Until Friday, only states in the Northeast and bordering the Pacific had granted broad legal recognition to same-sex unions, but that changed with the Iowa Supreme Court ruling ordering that gay and lesbian couples be allowed to wed.

Before the Iowa ruling, only Connecticut and Massachusetts allowed same-sex couples to marry — also as a result of decisions by the states' high courts. Same-sex marriages began in Massachusetts in May 2004 and in Connecticut last November.

Do you know what this means?? It means we don't have to wait for deer hunting season to see some real celebs around here.

Demi twitters to prevent a suicide

A Demi fan twittered to her that she was going to kill herself. "Getting a knife, a big one that is sharp. Going to cut my arm down the whole arm so it doesn't waste time." Moore immediately replied, "Hope you are joking."

Later Demi twittered: "Thanks everyone for reaching out to the San Jose PD I am told they are aware and no need to call anymore. I do not know this woman."A few hours later she wrote: "It is my understanding that the situation was not a joke and that through the collective efforts here, action was taken to provide help."

Ashton had to get his twittering ass in there too. "wifey reported a suicide attempt based on a at reply tweet she got and saved someones life. the woman is in the hospital now." Seems to me it's a bullshit way to get a celeb to respond to you. Twittering is about as irritating as someone who calls their spouse "wifey." Too GD lazy to blog? Want the entire world to have access to your drunken 3 am life changing revelations? Twitter. They should have called it Twatter. Then you could twat people.

You know what I call this?

Happy hour at the OctoMom shot bar. Cheers.

Dear Nancy Shevell,

I know your boyfriend still has enough money to buy you some pants..even after Stumpy McPegWhore got through with him. Please ask him do so, because no one over the age of 16 should be wearing those things. Unless they're Linsday Lohan. I just got back from shopping with two old ladies on old lady crack, so I'm not scared of much....but, those things scare me.

Zooey Deschanel Wishes She Didn't Look Like Katy Perry

Actress Zooey Deschanel hates it that people constantly mistake her for that gigantic twatburger Katy Perry. Zooey told MTV.com:

It's a little bit annoying, to be totally blunt. The only similarity that we have is that we look a little bit alike. I have met her before. She seems like a nice person. I'm happy that she's famous enough now that she's not going out and being mistaken for me.

I used to get, "I heard you were out at such-and-such club drinking whiskey!" (when) I was at home watching TV. I think we lead very different lives. At some point I feel like this will stop being a thing. I like the way my life goes. It's sort of strange to be associated with someone that's doing such different stuff than me. It's weird.

Only one remedy for this Zooey - you have to have Katy Perry killed. I can hook you up with a pretty good hitman, and I'd be willing to go halves. Well, maybe not halves - I'd throw in a third. Eh...not even that much. Fifty bucks. In Burger King coupons. I hate Katy Perry, but not enough to throw away good money.

Jamie Foxx's Stalker Was Real After All

After reading reports of Jamie Foxx's confrontation with a stalker in his hotel room in Philly, I naturally assumed Foxx made the whole thing up as part of some desperate attention-grab. Now it turns out my skepticism was not well-founded. The man Foxx alleged to have barged into his hotel room, a 49-year-old nutbag named Steven Taliver, tried getting close to Jamie again, this time on the set of the actor's new movie Law Abiding Citizen, and was arrested. So that means he's not merely a figment of Jamie's imagination. Unless, somehow, Jamie imagined him so hard that he became real.

Hilary Duff in Ghost Whisperer

Good for her. I've never had a ghost suspend me from the ceiling, but, then I can't solve the undead's problems like Melinda does. GO TO THE LIGHT! Yeah, right. Usually it's just a boring personal message, their people pay me and they all leave. Ghosts usually don't chit chat. Which is why I kind of like them. I have to go run the old ladies all over hell now, it's old lady check day. They'll be stocking up for the end of the world, as usual. Even though I just took them two days ago. I'll be taking a pill now, 700 pounds of cat food is heavy. Not to mention 40 cases of pork and beans. Why do old people love pork and beans so much? And that IS NOT pork. That's another post.

That's just sad, Kim Kardashian

The color is alright, but, the garment itself is just poorly made. Ever hear of an iron, designers? Geesh. A pressed hem goes a long way. I think people learn that in 7th grade home ec. That neckline is all kinds of fucked up and it doesn't fit. I wonder how much that piece of shit cost? Is this the crap they sell in DASH? No wonder they needed a reality show to pay the bills.

David Banda visits bio dad in Malawi

source
*While there, David was able to visit with his biological father Yohane Banda, but the tot didn’t know who he was.
David and Yohane spent about three hours together - it was the first time since 2006 - but the little boy didn’t recognize his bio father. Yohane was stunned that David didn’t know who he was or that he couldn’t speak his native language.
Yohane said, “He asked me in English who I was and what I do. When I told him, ‘I am your daddy’ he looked surprised. We spent three hours together… he played with my nose and although he did not know who I was he asked me lots of questions.
“David is quite chatty and intelligent. He asked whether I ride horses but I told him horses are for the rich. He asked me why I am poor. He said his mum likes riding horses and told me that one day he and his brother, Rocco, rode horses and fell. He said his mum spanked him because they are not supposed to ride on their own.”
David also told Yohane he misses his nanny, who quit (or fired by Madonna… whichever rumor you believe). “He misses her a lot because she used to read him books. Nowadays he has different nannies and he doesn’t like the situation.”
The three-year-old spoke of his relationship with Guy Ritchie.
“He seems to like his daddy Mr. Ritchie so much,” said Yohana. “I was a sad Madonna broke up with him. I would have loved it if they sorted out whatever problems they had instead of divorcing because divorce is bad for kids.”*
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Fuck you, Yohane, you child dumper. David's native language IS English. This tells me a lot about Madonna as a mother. She spanks? That's not cool and who the hell was watching those boys when they snuck out to ride? Don't poo poo me. I've had horses and children and no one EVER rode without me. It's called minding your children and riding alone at David's age is dangerous. I also don't like the fact that Guy got dragged into this ridiculous press conference by two media whores. Guy is and always will be Davids real father. I don't even know why Gristle took the kid back there. I'm sure he was dying to see the mud hut he was conceived in. If Madonna's antics help anyone..let me know. Because it seems to me this whole mess is just another publicity stunt and David and little Mercy are pawns in Gristle's cruel game.

Judge says NO to Madonna

A Malawi judge had denied Madonna's adoption. He says she is not a citizen and he will not ignore or change the laws that protect the children just for Miss Madonna. No lie, he actually called her Miss Madonna. I guess Malawi has no word for Gristle. Madonna is so mad she's "spitting blood" according to The Sun. Awww, that's too bad. I'm enjoying this. No, Madonna, just no. Ha! Maybe she should show him her guns and her old snatch, like she does us.

Anne Hathaway and Valentino

Is he related to Kate Gosselin? She'd be happy to hear that, she's getting tired of free Anne Taylor duds.

Bad Casting

I may be taking this domestic violence PSA in the wrong spirit. I'm supposed to be troubled by it, right? I'm supposed to think kicking the hell out of a woman while she lies helpless on the floor is a bad thing. If it were anyone but Keira Knightley, I could dig it. But that bitch? "Give it to her again man. Yeah. Right in the ribs." Sorry.

Michelle O and the Queen getting cozy

A palace spokesperson has said, there was no breech of protocol. I should hope not, who doesn't want to hug the Queen? She's so damn cute.

Bastard!

I'm pretty sure I caught this bastard's big brother yesterday. LOL! Get out, you evil bastard!

Have a heart trap

I don't know if I have much of a heart, but, my mom does. I've been trapping cats for weeks now, and we're down to about 15 cats, 7 of them are mom's pets (and spayed and neutered). I have to sort them out when I catch them, and also the kittens to the right mother. There's this amazingly nice farmer who called and said he'd take all I would bring. I went out there, expecting, I don't know what, but, it was the prettiest farm..with tons of nice barns and healthy animals. He feeds once a day and they're expected to mouse the barns. I caught two BIG pregnant cats last night.
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Sadly, some of the strays are not healthy and I can't, with any conscience, dump those on him. I'm not talking about that or telling my mom. I caught a raccoon and turned it loose, it was nicer than some of these cats. The mean ones scare the piss out of me. So, that's what I'm up to. It already smells better outside. I'm making a big sign today "Animals dumped here will be destroyed." It's not true, mostly, but, maybe the idiots will move on with some of their unwanted animals. These animals make me very sad, but, also mad and I'm glad to NOT live in a creepy smelly cat farm anymore. My mom kills me though, I have to tell her (like she's some little kid) "Don't worry mom, they went to a pretty farm, they're so happy." Even when it's not true.

And SHE'S supposed to be the smart one

It reminds me of a giant pleather covered medicine ball. Fake cows must grow larger than regular cows. Shiny! I can see myself..and my house..and my neighbors house..and.. fuck! It's like a Google map.

PantyLiner swims with sharks..lives

Dear Sharks..you're fired! Didn't I make sure she was on her period before I pushed her in? Didn't I fill her underwear with chum? Didn't I even promise her a part in the remake of Carrie so she'd let me pour pig blood on her?? Do you know how much pig blood costs these days? What is wrong with you sharks? You failed me miserably and you will never work in this town again!

Angelina voted worlds most beautiful woman..again

Brad Pitt sleeps with that. We can all hold on to that thought.

Can you actually lose weight by wishing you were dead or single?

Posh's kids look like a handful. A nanny helps..no kidding. Sheesh. She has the crazy one, the sullen one, the reluctant one..she's looking for a vein in her arm and her bag is stuffed with more Vicodin than Gregory House has seen in a lifetime. Any minute now there's going to be impromptu break dancing. Maybe Katie Holmes will babysit again soon. She's always up for crazy, look at her marriage.

Mayer's heart didn't come with instructions

John Mayer's new song goes..“If you want more love, Why don’t you say so?” and lyrics including: “Drop his name, push it in and twist the knife again; Watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain.”
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Jen Aniston's new song lyrics go. "You were sort of cute in that one video and I needed a red carpet date, but, then I found out you're gay and retarded and now I know why you sucked in bed and dated brain dead blonde bimbos and you won't be seeing me naked anymore, but, we can be friends and twitter, except I don't twitter, ha ha. Brad, Brad Brad."

Forget the skinny photoshopped body..

ScarJo's face looks like the alien cyborg thing that wants to bite your junk off and suck your internal organs out through the wound. They will be dissolved by the caustic acid in her saliva glands and her larvae will be layed in your carcass..and if you still want to fuck that..you have problems.

The real Brit vs the photoshopped Candies ad

She could probably drop that last 10 pounds in a heartbeat if Daddy would unlock to door to her cage once in awhile. Britney's so desperate for peen she's flirting with her gay backup dancers and eyeing that moldy salami she got for Christmas. "Hey, big boy, you in the back of the fridge, yeah..let's talk."

Brooke blogs, uses faux emotes

Well, Brooke, I never imagined I could be a writer of any kind until people like you came along. It still beats being a failed unattractive talentless transvestite with the IQ of gas fumes.

John Mayer is out

They took that film off that I had on here yesterday. THIS is what John Mayer said..

“He (Perez) has to go tell people that I made out with him at a club. I never said anything, but you know what? Damn right I made out with him at a club. You know why? Because I can’t stand a gay guy who acts like he just turned gay yesterday. As soon as a guy is walking around all wild… I will fuck you in the ass to shut you up. You are not wilder than me. Once you judge me I will go ass to mouth with you just to shut you up. First of all, I was thinking about going gay until you turned into their spokesperson."

And THAT is why he won't get anymore Aniston tail. I 100% guarantee it. No smart straight woman will put up with that shit. No straight guy talks like that, even as a joke. They are done.

Amy has no problems

Amy Winehouse claims she's finally free of drugs and has conquered all her demons. Yet she walks down the street, in public, sucking her thumb. Lady, you have problems they don't even have names for.

Britney's dad is nuts too

Britney's very upset with her father and this conservatory shit and I don't blame her. She's fucked herself good with all that crazy stuff she pulled and is having trouble even hiring her own lawyers to get out of this situation. Her dad, Jamie seems to have gone way overboard. It's one thing to make sure she stays on track with custodial visits and work, it's another thing when you start telling a grown woman she has no phone privileges. Jamie already made sure there's a restraining order on Adnan. But, Britney got a secret phone to talk to him, Lufti's sister got it for her. Now Jamie knows about that too. Britney feels like she's in prison. She's accused Jamie of using the kids as a threat, like, behave or I'll take your kids away. I'll bet she's not lying either. Jamie even had a Britney fan site shut down, threatening them with an injunction all because they criticized him. If Jamie doesn't back off, I'm afraid Britney will go off the deep end again. I don't blame her. Back off, Dad, $18,000 grand a month doesn't mean you're the head zoo keeper. Give the woman her phone, for christ sakes.

Pantyhose are extinct..that makes me sad

Fishy Paltrow has obviously met with some tragic accident resulting in clumsy red soled casts and braces on her Fishsticks. Could they have been bitten? She does suffer chronically from foot in mouth. I'm sure this terrible accident had nothing to do with Madonna's ass, or the casts would have been on her patrician nose. Get well, Gwyneth.

Meeting the Queen

The Obama's met the Queen at Buckingham Palace. Shortly after this photo was taken, the Queen gave the Obama's her tea order and ask that they include some of those colorful collard greens she's heard about.

Heidi Klum on a Vogue shoot

Can you imagine if they put real women in some of these outfits? You'd look like you belong in a mental institution. Hey, what do you keep in that purse? A blow pop and Jonas brothers lip balm? Project Runway will be back this summer after many legal problems. I don't care about the details, I'm just glad it's coming back. It's one of the more intelligent shows..not that that's saying much, but, it's better than watching Denise Richards breed hogs.

Ali Lohan denied right of Lohan passage

Villa nightclub turned Dina and Lindsay away..because they had 15 year old Ali with them for a night on the town. Dina was very upset and said “Do you know who I am?” Dina protested when they were turned away at the door because of Ali’s age. “You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!” Lindsay added.
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Yep, HUGE. Doesn't that nightclub owner know how much these chicks can drink? Sure, there's that thing about them tying up the bathrooms with their habits, but, it's all balanced out by cotton mouth. Villa made a serious mistake here.

OctoRage

Some fool took a car seat off OctoMom's unlocked porch and threw it through the back window of her Toyota. I like the symbolism of breaking the window with the car seat, but come on...you can't be busting some ho's shit just cause you don't like her. We all gotta act civilized here people. You want the whole world to end up like Detroit?

Toss up

I don't know who looks more idiotic here, Perez or John Mayer. But, I know why Aniston doesn't want his ass in her bed anymore. This just cleared up ALL the breakup rumors for me. I never need to talk about it again.

Katie and Suri leaving the Scieo-Center

Why is Katie wearing that thing? Is she expecting someone to push her out of a plane later?

Demi twitters, snaps paps

Demi Moore's in France and she twittered “The photog stealing pics of me shopping sightseeing w/Scout squealed and ran like a little girl when I turned my camera & confronted hiim!!”
And “If it is so okay to stalk and chase then why did he run after hiding in a dressing room made of curtains all so I couldn’t take his photo?”
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Does she really think she's the only celeb who's snapped the paps? That's so old. Ashton twitters, so she has to twitter. This twittering and her messages make me think she isn't that bright. It's almost making GOOP look good. But, hey, she has one normal looking kid out of the bunch. She has to be happy about that.

Don't forget to look sultry, Lopez

J-Lo manages to pose while Marc holds a fans baby. The baby looks unimpressed. That woman is so ridiculous.

This is so stupid

Stupid gossip about Jen Aniston being a bitch on the set of The Baster..A source tell OK! mag: “In the morning everyone had to wait to start filming because Jennifer asked for extra time to finishing blow-drying her hair.”
“Jennifer refused to walk even a step outside the restaurant during the break for lunch, ” adds the insider. “She had her car pull up right next to the restaurant so she could be driven less than a block to her trailer to avoid photographers. Jennifer kept mostly to herself. She didn’t talk to anyone during the breaks.”
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Uhhhh..so what? Do they want her to film with wet hair? Do they expect her to sit in public and stuff her face knowing the pap dogs are right there dying to grab a photo of her chomping and write stupid articles about what she's eating and why? We've all seen the reason she'd have to be driven a block. Stories like this are so assholey. I think I've watched every Aniston interview there is and if she's really a bitch, I never got a whiff of it. No one suffers fools gladly. She can be acerbic when the situation calls for it, but, a straight up bitch for no reason? Naaa.

Candy Spelling continues to mess with her daughter's head

Candy Spelling has a new book out, Stories from Candyland and The Star is saying Tori is anorexic from the stress of Candy's new attack. Candy is doing interviews and says she's never met Tori's daughter, Stella and doesn't even know where Tori lives. I don't think Tori is anorexic, I think she's looking good and living her life without her controlling mother. I don't even think this fight is about money, though the fact that Candy has literally billions and won't share is a sore spot. It's all about control for Candy, that's so easy to see when you listen to her. Talk about a passive/aggressive bitch. Candy has that down to a science. I don't know anyone who wants to read Candy's adventures in her little Candyland. The only thing interesting about Candy is that she has billions of dollars. Candy's message was clear to me..apologise publicly, come home and do as I say and I won't sell daddy's house. She'll die alone with her little yappy dogs and no grand kids around. What a bitch. If the book doesn't sell, she can always go back to writing crazy letters to TMZ giving advice to little starlets she's never met. Wear panties! Yeah, what an inspiration.

Bridget Moynahan is not happy with Gisele

A friend of Bridget's had something to say about that remark Gisele made concerning Bridget's son. Giselle thinks the baby is 100% hers, she feels like it. Bridget's buddy talked to Page 6: One friend yapped, "If Gisele loved Bridget's child like he was '100 percent her own,' then she would not talk about him in the press. Discretion and respect are not either of Gisele or Tom's virtues, as was evidenced even when the child was still unborn and they publicly flaunted their relationship without any discretion whatsoever. Don't you think Jack will grow up and read her comments and find them disrespectful to him and his mother? If Tom is such a great father as everyone likes to say, then you would think that he'd respect the privacy of his young child and would ask his wife not to use his son as a publicity prop and a subject of public discussion. Is she is so desperate for attention that she can't find anything more productive to talk about other than Bridget's child?"
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She ended the tirade by saying "Hey Gisele -- real mothers don't call their kids 'it.'"
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Ha! See? I said that too. Real moms never call their baby "it"..they don't call any one's baby "it." It's just instinctive. Only people with no children ever say that. I have no doubt this time the "source" is not some fictional character. Bridget is so mad right now, but, she has to compose herself before she speaks to any media. Good grief, Bridget doesn't even call that baby John, she calls him Jack. Gisele was so out of line. It makes me wonder if Gisele is one of those passive aggressive troublemakers. They're real bitches, those kind. You have to play your cards right. Sic 'em, Bridget.

The Countess of Crap is keeping her title

The Real Housewives of NYC, Countess LuAnn is losing her husband. The Count has found another woman, and it's serious. He's asked for a divorce. So much for LuAnne's dating advice, LuAnn's marriage advice and LuAnn's advice on living the good life of a non..shudder..commoner. She will be keeping her title in the split. Sounds like she should have written less books on the use of that third fish fork and given the Count more head. Isn't this twat from New Jersey?

More octoMama Drama

Fifteen of Nadya Suleman’s employees were canned yesterday for looking through her medical records.
Kaiser Permanente spokesperson Jim Anderson spoke out yesterday saying, "We always provide training on the importance of patient privacy and confidentiality. "We knew from the time she was admitted to the hospital in December, this case would attract attention. Numerous training sessions were held to remind people of the need to keep the information confidential." Aside from the 15 fired, 8 others were “disciplined.” The Kaiser rep says human nature got the better of the staffers. He says, "This was human nature and curiosity that got the best of people."
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The report called them "Nadya's employees" but, Kaiser is involved so I assume they were the nurses Kaiser sent to train Nadya's nannies. Human nature, curiosity? Bullshit, any scandal concerning OctoTwat and that fucktard doctor who shot eggs into her attention starved rats nest like a kamikaze fertility freak will bring them big bucks. Kaiser needs to get the hell out of Nadya's business just like Allred and Angels. They're all whores. And aren't the damn nannies trained yet? For fucks sake. Nadya needs to get on with the reality show and can all these fuckers. It's pretty bad when she starts looking like the better person in these stories.

Madonna won't leave Malawi without her baby!

Bla bla, it's the continuing story of Madonna and baby Mercy. Officials there say Mercy has family and beg Gristle to support the child there. Uhh, then why is the kid in an orphanage? I'll never understand fucking Malawi and their family shit. It's okay to leave a kid in an orphanage until they're old enough to come home and work, but, grandma's and baby's daddys come slithering out of the woodwork when Madge comes around offering to take one of their orphans. They might as well hand that kid over, Gristles boots cost more than the entire country does. She could just buy Malawi and turn it into a cool celeb resort where her and Fishsticks could get away from it all. Madonna knew damn well the publicity she'd get with this shit. Lourdes looks pissed. Cell phone reception is probably a bitch in Malawi.

Deleted Twilight sex scene

How do you have sex with a stinky vampire when the inhuman might lose control of his passions and kill you? There is a way. Butt, heh heh, she's never done THAT. I was amused. Click HERE to see it.

Joan Collin's going to Elton Johns B-Day party

How old is Joan now? Geez, she still looks hot. She looks like she used plastic surgeons well and still dresses like she's on Dynasy. Her date is cute too. Go Joan.

Farrah Fawcett back from Germany

Farrah Fawcett's still getting controversial cancer treatments in Germany and she's always in the company of her best friend, Alana Stewart, Rod's ex. Which is way better company that her stupid druggie boy friend, Ryan O'Neal or that stupid kid they had together. You'd think Ryan and Redmond could stop fighting and drugging long enough to be with Farrah now. Guess not. She's fought a brave fight and she's still fighting it.