Wino Chillin'

Amy Winehouse ran out of crack and had to resort to smoking a plain old joint while lounging in the jacuzzi at the last hotel in the Caribbean that hasn't thrown her out for harassing the other guests. Reports say Wino has been smoking up hundreds of dollars worth of pot a day - and has actually been paying for it herself! Unfortunately, Wino hasn't done any meaningful work in months, which means that old bank account has to be getting pretty thin. At some point she'll have to go back to singing. I suggest a reggae album. Maybe a rap duet with Snoop Dogg. Some kind of crazy novelty bit with Michael Phelps?

Ohhhhh, Goood For You, Christian

Christian Bale wants everyone to know he is sorry for his now-legendary - and endlessly lampooned - tirade against Terminator: Salvation DP Shane Hurlbut. "I was out of order beyond belief, I was way out of order," Bale confessed on a radio show. "I acted like a punk, I regret that and there is nobody that has heard that tape that has been hit harder by it than me. I make no excuses for it, it is inexcusable and I hope that is absolutely clear. I'm embarrassed by it." Oh Christian, I was so proud of you man, and then you went and pussed out. Apologizing? For what? That dumb bastard fuckwit deserved to be ripped a new asshole. People like that, who have no respect for artists like yourself...well, I just don't have time for them. They're scum. They should be verbally abused. But, the world obviously doesn't recognize what a scourge these people are, hence the backlash against you, who were only trying to do the right thing. I guess you had no choice but to get down on his knees over this one...but I don't know. I don't think Batman would've given in so easily. I think Batman would've endured the slings and arrows. He can make the choice no one else can make. He can be...The Dark Knight.

Yes, Michael Jackson Can Get More Messed Up

Michael Jackson's hands have officially passed his face as the freakiest things on him. Are those things even his? I swear, I think his real hands got chopped off in some kind of bizarre kiddie-porn wanking accident and he had some other dude's hands grafted on. Now there's some hook-having dude going around telling everyone Michael Jackson knocked him out and stole his hands and no one believes him. But they should believe him.

Nurse fired for praying for patients

A Christian nurse suspended for offering to pray for a patient was asked to return to work. If she can seperate religion from nursing. Hospital spokesperson: "It is acceptable to offer spiritual support as part of care when the patient asks for it. But for nurses, whose principal role is giving nursing care, the initiative lies with the patient and not with the nurse. "
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The nurse, Mrs Petrie, 45, said the offer was 'good news' but she needed a firm assurance that her beliefs are accepted by her bosses before she resumes her duties as a supply nurse.
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Oh, man, there's a shitload more to this story, you just know it! Otherwise the patient who complained would never have bothered the administrator with all this. I'll betcha money on that! No one gets pissed when someone says, "would you like me to pray for you?" Oh, man. Hey, Mrs. Petrie and everyone like you, how about you just do your damn job and leave patients spirituality to them? Have you ever been badgered to pray by a medical person? I have. It sucks..you're trapped there in a hospital bed with these religious freaks. It's the worst feeling and they should never rehire someone like that. Go ahead, give me shit in comments..I'll kick your Jesus loving ass. You know I'm right on this one.

Octuplet mom interview

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Watch it yourself..and tell me that chick isnt' nuts. She's nuts and she's had some plastic surgery that makes her look a little like Angelina Jolie. OMFG.

Tom Cruise in Brazil

Tommy Girl made some faux pas in Brazil which included saying hola and gracias to the paps before realizing the people of Brazil speak Portuguese, not Spanish. He ended up looking foolish instead of uber cool. I'm not even pretending I know what Brazilian people speak, but, I think if I was going there, I'd look it up on the net. Then Tommy wowed them by saying he loves the Tango, but, it turns out the Tango is is an Argentine dance. Great. Now Brazil thinks he's as stupid as I do. And wasn't he supposed to lay off manhandling Katie? He presents her like some tall trophy. A blow up doll would work just as well there, Tommy.

Gwyn's cuntbook..errr, cookbook

Gwyneth Paltrow has a cook book coming out. It's called My Father’s Daughter, because her father made pancakes and she redesigned his recipe to healthy versions. Gwynnie doesn't know what my problem is, she says it certainly does not behoove her to pretend she makes $15,000 a year and the cook book is not aimed at those kind of people. Do you get the feeling she shudders when she says "those kind" of people and reaches for the germ wipes? It should be called Fuck The Haters, Gwyennie, that's the only amusing thing you've said in your life. It behooves me to tell you where to shove it. This chick has effectively killed any fan base she may have once had. I doubt her mother even likes her anymore.

Etta James has apologised..sort of

Etta now says she didn't mean it, she's a comedian and it was part of her act. As for Obama, he was said to be "stunned" which I believe is white house code for "who gives a fuck."

The sisterhood of the unfortunate pants

Sigh. There just seems to be a flux of unflattering pants on stars lately, from Jessica Simpsons fat hugging high waisted mom jeans to Katie Holmes raggedy rolled up boy friend jeans. Now Oprah has jumped on the butt huggers with her birthday pants. She looks like a giant bowl of oatmeal with cottage cheese stirred in. And Jen Garner in those..what the hell are those?? How can you have millions of dollars and not one pair of decent pants?

Octuplet mom on disability

I'm not interested in typing out her whole interview, you can read it all over the net. HERE's one. The mother of 14 received $165,000 in disability from 2002-2008, for some sort of back/neck injury and as far as I know, that is her only income. I don't know what she was paid for this interview, but, she does have an agent. Nadya Suleman says she desired a big family because of a dysfunctional childhood. “I just longed for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked, I believe, growing up,” she says.

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All I know is Miss Suleman seems to be an attractive young mom and if her children are attractive too, and I have no reason to believe they aren't, then she is marketable. Like Jon Gosselin says about his multiple children "They're marketable." Indeed they are. There's a lot more here than meets the eye of the viewer and I don't think the "marketability" of multiple babies is lost on anyone. Specifically the fans of multiple families who are ordering fertility drugs over the Internet and anticipating their own show...and all the riches that go with it.

Cause She's Better Than Us...

While the rest of Hollywood runs around getting ready for the Oscars, Angelina Jolie proves her superiority by jetting off the India to visit refugees displaced by the evil military junta in Burma. See how that works? Other stars are frivolous shits who only care about awards and red carpets and parties, but Angie knows what's important. She's so indescribably marvelous.

Yes Miley...You're So Baaaad

Miley Cyrus has responded to the controversy surrounding the above picture, which features her and a bunch of her equally idiotic friends mocking the token Oriental member of their group by squinting their eyes (all behind his back, if you notice). Naturally, Miley doesn't understand why it's such a big deal. The dumb twat posted on her website:

I've also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces! Well, I'm sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!

In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity! I was simply making a goofy face. When did that become newsworthy? It seems someone is trying to make something out of nothing to me. If that would of been anyone else, it would of been overlooked! I definitely feel like the press is trying to make me out as the new 'BAD GIRL'!

Miley has learned well the lessons of the teenaged slut-star, including the most important lesson of all: If you do something stupid and get in trouble, blame it on the press. I think Dina Lohan has actually been tutoring her. Unfortunately, the nature of reality is not dictated by the denials of little feather-headed Disney skanks - we can clearly see what's going on in the picture, and it ain't innocent goofing off. It's mean racist mockery pure and simple. Not that you'd expect anything better from an inbred little hillbilly. And another thing: If you're going to alienate an entire demographic, the Oriental one is not the one to choose. That's like half the world population right there, and they're only growing in wealth and power. Soon they will own everything, including Disney, and then Miley will have some real 'splainin' to do. She'll be lucky if she doesn't end up sucking sailor-dick in some Shanghai back-alley.

Let's talk about Lynne and her cuffs

Real Househo's of Orange Countys Lynne spends her time as a..cough..jewelry artist. She makes "Cuff Love", have you seen them? I saw a brief glimpse on the show and imagined her over a forge, pouring molten metal, lost wax casting and hammering copper. THEN they showed her working on these cuff things and..oh, geez. She buys cheap bracelets and glues stuff to them. THEN she sells them in boutiques for $400.00 and up. Who buys this shit??? I don't know when Lynne finds time to glue her creations together since she looks like she tans 23 hours a day. Her skin looks more like leather than the faux crap she glues on dollar store bracelets. And it turns out (I Googled) there's a real company called Cuff Love, so she might get sued. Can you say dumbass? $400.00 bucks, bitch? No thanks, I have a pile of junk and a glue gun. Please make this show go away, it's insulting to anyone who owns a vagina. Or a brain.

He Needs To Wear This To The Oscars

I dare Mickey Rourke to wear this ensemble to the Oscars. The jacket makes it. Sooooo shiiiiiny. I could stare at that all day. Mickey's face...not so much. But of course it's frivolous to make fun of Mickey's looks: He's an artist. Of crazy.

He's still more human-looking than Nicole Kidman.

He Made It To 60

Lux Interior of The Cramps is dead at age 60. Heart condition. I'm always shocked when any of these punk people make it past 45. The body can only take so much. The above video is from a show The Cramps played inside a mental hospital in California in the '70s. Needless to say, such a thing could never happen now. The authorities would never allow it, and even if by some miracle they did, there are no bands left cool enough to pull it off. Pete Wentz is what passes for a punk rocker now. Lux may now commence turning over in his grave.

Holly quit her job at Playboy

Holly Madison has resigned from her job as Playmate editor for Playboy magazine because she needs to spend more tme with Criss Angel in Vegas. What will Hef do? Will the magazine close now?? Who else will he get to rollerskate down the halls in hot pants, tits a flyin' while sucking a lollipop and saying "That's sooooo cute, Puffin!" Oh, no, talent like that just can't be replaced. Hef's empire may fold.

Alba's IQ

Jessica Alba showing you her brains. If the only thing you have going is your body, it's not smart to cover parts of it in cheap little tramp stamps done with no meaning or creativity. Oh, and Jessica says labor contractions are like period cramps, then they hand you your baby and it "gets deep." Anyone want to slap her yet? The only thing deep about Alba is her black ass crack, which looks like it could use a good trip through the car wash.

At last...

Etta James at a concert in Seattle last week, “Your President, the one with the big ears … he had that woman singing my song. She gone get her ass whipped.” She added: “The great Beyonce … I can’t stand Beyonce.”

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Ha! Hell yes, we're right behind you, Etta. Kick that bitch in the kisser and when you get her down on the ground, snatch her skanky wig off and beat her with it.

The relationship experts are still talking

Marie Claire: You all have, um, colorful dating pasts. If you weren’t celebrities, how would you choose to meet men?
Drew Barrymore: Drunk in a bar. No, wait - kidding!
Jennifer Aniston: I’d have to be dragged out to places. Well, like I am now.
Marie Claire: No Match.com? No Facebook?
Jennifer Aniston: No, No, No. The Internet freaks me out.
Ginnifer Goodwin: I think it’s the Devil. We’re pack animals! We’re supposed to be connecting face-to-face.
Jennifer Aniston: The Internet warps reality. If you’re an Internet person, real life will fall short of what you have been privy to online - sexually, emotionally. It’s so unreal and gives you this sense of order where there isn’t any. You can’t drag and paste life!
Marie Claire: You don’t feel you can get to know someone online?
Drew Barrymore: You think people tell the truth about themselves? Every guy is 6′4″ with a huge schlong. That’s why people love it so much. Internet doesnot equal sodium pentothal.
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Then Aniston dropped this bombshell..Jennifer Aniston: "I still have the cassette tapes of messages from my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, my husband… it’s like saving love letters."
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She should have kept that to herself. For someone who claims to love privacy she shares too much. Besides, I don't agree with them. I know a lot of couples who met on the net and are happy. It doesn't take long to sort out the fake and the weird on here. Aniston's already told us she's not a net user. Maybe they just don't use the computer enough. Maybe they're all just blowing smoke again. What do you think?

Working Out Made Alba Cry

Jessica Alba hated working out to lose her baby weight...so much so that it made her break out in tears. "[The workouts] were horrible," the actress whined to Elle magazine. "I cried. And I haven't worked out since." I had the same kind of experience the first time I saw Alba in a movie: I wept like Meryl Streep in Auschwitz having to choose between my children. And I haven't seen one of Alba's movies since. I'm sure everyone feels very sympathetic toward Jessica too. Right. They'd all like to kick her right in her bony, no-talent ass.

Why Don't I Believe Her?

Angelina Jolie claims she doesn't know where her Oscar is. You know, the one she won for Girl, Interrupted - that night she made incestuous freak-job history by sucking face with her own brother in front of the cameras. That Oscar. According to Angie, the statue was given to her mom Marcheline Bertrand, and mom hid it without making a treasure map. And then bitch died and, well, no Oscar.

That's pretty sad...I guess Angie will just have to win another one. Won't be this year with Kate Winslet and Meryl Streep up against her. Actually, I don't believe for a second that Angie has really misplaced her Oscar - I think it's another one of her fibs. Like that one about her loving Shiloh, and that other one about her respecting Brad. Keep pulling my legs Angie - it never gets old.

Committed To The Bit

Joaquin Phoenix continues to deny persistent rumors that his switch from acting to hip-hop is all part of some elaborate hoax, but insists he really really means it, and furthermore, has received encouragement from others in the industry. "I had a lot of dudes come up and say,`We really respect you for doing it, putting yourself out there, and going with it,'" Joaquin said. "Because I think true hip-hop heads know that it's hard, it's going to be a hard transition, and people are going to be lining up just to make fun of me." And he said that all with a straight face! That's cause he's an actor - he knows how to feign sincerity. Oh, sorry: Was an actor. Sure, I'll play along.

Buff Tom

Suck it in Tom. Yeah, you still got it. The ladies would be all over that...if you, you know, liked ladies.

Rage with Jude Law

Jude Law as Minx in the movie Rage. Minx is a celebrity and a super model afraid of aging and using his/her looks to get...everything. There's a 1,000 joke here, but, I have this weird feeling I'm going to love this movie. Can't wait.

Chick fight!

Source
So, remember when Faye Dunaway got all pissy about the Bonnie and Clyde remake with Hilary Duff? She said “Couldn’t they at least cast a real actress?”

Hilary has a comeback, she said “I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don’t even know who she is,” adding, “I think it was a little unnecessary, but I might be mad if I looked like that now, too.”

Heh heh, part of me is a little proud of young Duff for not taking the old diva's crap. I'm pretty sure the movie is going to suck, but, Faye should have taken the classy route and wished them luck. Then everyone would be saying, it sucks, remember how good Faye Dunaway was? Now they're gonna say, remember what a bitch Faye Dunaway was? Someone send Duff some better insults though. Duff insulting Dunaway's looks is sort of like mud throwing dirt. Still good though.

Posted by DD

Octuplet mom hires an agent

Nadya Suleman, 33, plans a career as a television childcare expert and she's hired an agent. Her first interview is for sale for $2 million dollars. You heard that right. She's been taking notes from world famous child pimper Kate Gosselin and Nadya has it all figured out. Sure, she's single and her 14 kids don't have a dad and she has no job, but, it's the American way! How long until TLC gives her a show??? Oh, and $2 million is a drop in the bucket compared to the medical bills she owes for the new 8 kids, but, don't worry...California taxpayers will be footing that bill. Aint it grand??? Gee, I sure hope Kate gives her the number of her plastic surgeon too. Got a coupon for that, Kate?

The crumbling kingdom of Kate Gosselin

Remember last week when Kate spent 4 hours cleaning the fridge in her new million dollar home? Oh, yes, it was dirty, filthy, disgusting, nasty and she made sure everyone knew it, including the doctor and his family who sold it to her. 4 hours! And that was just the fridge side, the freezer needed another whole day! That's the fridge right there..do you see any mold? Anyway, poor Kate had to neglect her 8 kids to clean. She couldn't talk to them, help them or be in the same room with them. She spent the episode with her fridge and one of her 4 year old boys waited for her to help him until he just couldn't hold it anymore and pooped on the floor. Joooooooooon! Come wipe your son, I'm busy!

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Here's the kicker. On last nights moving episode, there was a new fridge. All that screaming and cleaning....and she replaced the thing. Those in the know tell me it's an $8,000 dollar stainless model. The rest of the episode was spent with Kate yelling at Jon for not using a coupon for a shower head he bought. That dumb jerk Jon! Kate's on a budget. If he keeps fucking up their fiances, someone's going to have to........GET A JOB. How much does sniffing human shit pay? She's really good at that.

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Posted by DD

Not Very Christian Of You, Bale

A tape has surfaced of Christian Bale mercilessly reaming out a crew member who entered his field of vision while he was trying to immerse himself in his character during the shooting of the new dumb-ass Terminator movie. Don't these asswipe peasants know artists like Bale need full concentration when they're acting in a movie made for 18-year-old potheads to watch after illegally downloading them? God...the nerve of some people. Experience Bale's little pussy meltdown for yourself. And, afterward, enjoy one enterprising YouTube user's dance mix of Bale's tirade. It's all NSFW.









(thanks Violet)

What's their IQ?

Hef's Weenersucker twins painted up for the Superbowl. 69. Get it? Oh, alright..I'll let you in on the joke because you obviously aren't as sophisticated and witty as me, Hef and the twins. 69 has sexual connotations. Get it now? AHHH HAHAH HAHAHAHAHAH...BWAAAA HAHAHAH!!! Oh, I know, it's toooooooo funny! How did they ever come up with this?? TEEE HEEE! I just peed myself. Oh, golly, Weenersuckers, you're just too much! Wooooo!

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Posted by DD

Miley ching chong

Miley Cyrus and her gaggle of silly friends are in trouble for this photo. An Asian rights group has released the following statement. Bla bla bla, mocking, bla bla bla, taunting, bla bla bla, apologize, bla bla bla, offensive, bla bla bla, de bla bla.
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I think she looks like Tila Tequila there. Gowd! There is more important world news than this! I mean, Jessica Simpson is fat, for cripes sakes!

Posted by DD

Pam is art

Pam Anderson: ''Yesterday I was considered soft porn, but today I am art. I have an eclectic group of friends. I like people who can feed your soul."
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Yes, you and Vivienne Westwood (the redhead) are both art...if art is the stuff spotted in the local Laundromat's lost and found box. Moldy socks, stained underpants, melted crayons and....you. I really hope there's some bleach there somewhere.

Posted by DD

Lady GaGa "Nothin' Else I Can Say"

Catchy tune.

Posted by DD

How dare you hate her blog!

Gwyneth Paltrow is hurt and upset by the "haters" of her glamorous blog, GOOP. "Fuck the haters! I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and, for a second, your ego is so wounded," Paltrow, 36, says in the March issue of Elle UK. "How could people hate me, my intentions or what I'm trying to do? I'm a good person and I'm trying to put good things into the world."
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When people say "I'm a good person"..they never are. Trust me on that. She needs to go put on her little black dress (that YOU can save up for) and shove an organic smoothie up her ass. It's as simple as that. About her relationship with husband Chris Martin, Gwyn says "It doesn't behoove us to be a public couple. He certainly doesn't want to be that."
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Oh, and shove the word "behoove" in your ass, right after the organic smoothie. In a snotty nasal whine, of course. You can pick out a nice nasal whine in your whine cellar.


Posted by DD

Contractually obligated to form mindless chatter

All the gals from He's Just Not That Into You are suddenly relationship experts despite their dismal romantic track records. Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly, Jenifer Aniston, Ginnifer Goodwin and Scarlett Johansson continue their tour of the heart with group yak fests aimed at improving our love lives. This sage advice includes gems like, don't play games and be yourself. When Drew Barrymore comes off as the genius of the group..well, there may be a small problem. As for Connelly? I don't take advice from anyone who needs to shave her eyebrows. Ehhh, look at them. Would you take advice from any of them??

Posted by DD

ScarJo at the premiere of HJNTIY

Scarlett Johansson at the premiere of her new movie, He’s Just Not That Into You. "The one thing I don’t understand about men is nipples. I don't know if there is one aspect of men that I don't understand other than why they have nipples, Scarlett, 24, told the Chicago Sun-Times. “Honestly, why? "
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That's the one thing about the male gender you don't understand Scarlett? Allow me to Google that for you since you just have no clue how to go about this yourself.
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The answer is that as embryos men and women have similar tissues and body parts. If anything the embryo follows a 'female template'. That is why nipples are present in both sexes. It is the effect of the genes, the Y chromosome and the hormone testosterone that brings about the changes and masculinises the embryo. Testosterone promotes the growth of the penis and testicles. Because nipples are there before this process begins the nipples stay.
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There. That wasn't really hard, was it, deary? That's one more witty question you can cross off your list of "things to say to paps at premieres." You're welcome. Now...tell me why a big boobed blond genius in now a small boobed brunette genius.

Posted by DD

Lily Allen Is Annoying In All Kinds Of Weather

Lily Allen frolics in the London snow (how's that climate change working out for you Brits?). There's a joke here about Lily getting confused and freezing her nasal passages but, really, why go there? I looked through this whole set of pics and still didn't see the one where Lily ended up on her back with her crotch in the air. They must've left it out this time.

Happy For Her

Kirsten Dunst says she doesn't care if she looks like a snaggletoothed hobo who got rolled by ten drunk college kids and, furthermore, doesn't sweat it when people make fun of her for it. "I don't have the energy to care if people criticize the way I look," Dunst said. "I'm over getting dressed up, although it's fun sometimes -- like when my younger brother Christian and I got ready together to go to the Oscars. But other than that, though, I couldn't care less. Being fun is way better than being beautiful. I would rather entertain people." You definitely entertain us Kirsten. Nothing is more amusing than speculating on what brand of shit you smell like from one day to the next. And we do so enjoy your endless parade of slacker-looking boyfriends. We know you weren't referring to your movie work when you made mention of "entertaining" people. That would just be absurd.

Make It Stop...

Poor Suri...she hasn't figured out yet that the scary voices are inside her head. It's the thetans in there messing with her. Katie has learned how to tune them out, by humming "Hurdy Gurdy Man" to herself over and over again. By the way, how close is Suri to kicking Tom right in the balls there? "I gotcha Xenu right here fake-daddy!" God they're so lame. How can they not know?

Michael Phelps caught with a bowling pin!

Olympic champion, Michael Phelps is regretful about the incident where he was photographed at a party holding a bowling pin. Phelps has publicly apologized.
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MP: "I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again."
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Okay, it wasn't a bowling pin, but, I'm sick of the bong picture. I grew up in the 70's, so what do I know? If you're happy and you know it, clap you hands! If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands..

Where's her Mama?

Seriously, where's Miley's mother? Does this kid get no advice at all? Can't someone just say NO to her even though she's making the mortgage payments?

Okay, now I'm just in awe

If you leave your husband for some tool like A-Rod and he starts messing around and talking shit about you, just replace him with someone hotter immediately. And make sure your seen together and make sure his name is Jesus. Jesus Luz. So, Guy and A-Rod, I saw Madonna and Jesus the other day....come on! You can't even make this shit up.

This One's For You Dishy...

The Crabster makes his debut on The Dirty Disher with this little item about DD's favorite starlet Hayden Panettiere: Seems Hayden takes her animal rights activist responsibilities very seriously, even when she's at work. Witnesses say the darling little fictional cheerleader bitched out a Heroes (yes, they're still making that) crew member who had used a leaf-blower to chase away some birds that were disrupting filming, screaming at the stunned peasant, "What are you doing? How would you like someone to blow that thing inside your house?" Well I don't know, Hayden...depends on where he aimed it.

Crabbie joins Disher and brings along Perez

Crabbie's pet Aardvark, Perez still needs some housebreaking. Cute little guy though, huu? Crabbie will be joining me here at DirtyDisher, so all you crabbie fans can stop peeing yourself. I'm going to pay him for his journalistic genius in Chips Ahoy. Welcome aboard, Crabbie.

Montauk Point

Oh, wow. Beautiful, Noreen!

Adorable Avery

Three month old Avery is after my heart. What a sense of fashion this kid has! Thanks, Sommer.

Both Noreens pups..

And here's Chieftain with Scout..they are beautiful dogs. And that stairway is gorgeous too. I love pics of your house! If I lived there, I'd wear a ball gown all day.

Happy Birthday Scout

He's 2 years old. How about that? What a sweet puppy you have, Noreen.

Goochie goochie gooo!

Look at baby Amelia! Awwww, she's growing fast, Jessica. She's such a cute cuddly little Wild Cat fan. Give her a hug from me!