Creating awkward moments

In an obvious attempt to make us believe that they know the world isn't all about them, Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel succeed in creating suckage. I just wasted 9 minutes of my life finding out they deserve each other.

LMAO!

Challenge your perspective on scary.

The weirdest site I've ever seen

At Tampon Crafts, they teach you how to make Christmas trees and snowflakes and Halloween decorations out of ...yeah. Bloody frightening. That looks like a used tampon to me. Still beats the House Of Harlow.

The Soup: Clip Of The Week 10/24/08

I am sooooo glad I found this. I saw it on The Soup and laughed like a hyena on acid. If you missed it, you HAVE to see this. It shows you the genius that is Audrina. I have a reverse theory..if stupid travels the speed of light, nothing can come out of matter. Think on that one, cockeye.

Is stupid terminal?

Can a person die of stupid? If so, please send some $ to your favorite lobotomy charity in Tara Reid's name. After unflattering bikini shots of her surfaced last week, Reid took on bloggers and called her deformities "battle scars." Tara: "I've been a media target for years now," the actress, 33, told People Magazine, "It does hurt my feelings, but what can I do? I have to move on."

*

Battle scars? What was she fighting for, her right to be an idiot? Yeah, there's nothing you can do, Tara. You must live in a bikini. A one piece would cause your heart to stop.

Aniston and Pink, chick fight

Jen Aniston is super pissed at Pink, she thinks Pink called her stupid. John said he only dates stupid chicks and Pink replied "I guess they'd have to be." Adding that she just doesn't get Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. Jesus, it's clear to anyone not clouded by Mayer twinkle dick that Pink was saying Jen is smart and she doesn't get them as a couple. I'd just like to remind Jen Aniston that her magic penis runs around like THIS in public. Jen has blacklisted Pink from her circle of friends. Yeah, that's punishment. To be banned from the Mensa circle that is Courtney Cox and David Arquette. That's like telling Pink she will no longer be allowed to make conversation with a potato.

That gave me a heart attack, thanks MV

She was supposed to be a sweet little cartoon character, instead she bastardized it into some wood grained flash eater. If I saw this in the dark of the night, I think I'd seriously have to be institutionalized. Of course, Meredith Vieira without the costume is pretty scary. She always looks like flesh eating former model. I don't give a crap how "beautiful" senile Babwa Walters claims MV is...she gives me the creeps.

Best dog costume

source
Some people are so creative!

Famous douchebag

One costume wasn't enough, so Nick came up with this idea..sort of. Cookies and milk. Mariah, realizing she would die if she couldn't show some skin, decided to be a cookie seller instead of a cookie. So Nick bumbled around in this get up while she posed all night. I would have made him go as a crumb.

Big dog, Little dog

Jen Garner and Violet were Ted and Fred from the books Big Dog, Little Dog. I actually thought it was kind of cute because Violet's obviously into the books so she probably got excited.

Voodoo Hoodoo Hindu Zulu Zombie Vampire Cannible Smurf?

And Seal is the witchdoctor? Whatever it is..it would be pretty scary in the dark. Heidi rocks Halloween and she never worries about being pretty or showing off her boobs for the night. She has true Halloween spirit..though I'm pretty sure she shrunk Moe, from the Stooges, head.

Celebutard Halloween

Kim Kardashian went as AssWoman. The bracelets have the power to ward off D-list urine.

Larry Birkhead continues to believe he's a celebrity

Birkhead is moving out of the Coldwater canyon house that belonged to Anna Nicole and he's taking the only reason people look at him, with him. He let Life And Style watch him pack pink boxes of Anna girly shit and drape tulle over photos of his dearly departed in an attempt at artistic melancholy. He keeps all this classy stuff so he can show Dannielynn how "beautiful and glamorous" her mother was. There are many Anna Nicole moments caught on tape, most of them wouldn't be called glamorous. Larry would like to have another baby. Good luck with that, dude. Maybe Howard will donate an egg.

Katie, your sewing machine is being revoked..it's for your own good

She must have some lonely nights to think up this stuff. Just say no, Suri.

Mariah and Nick do Halloween

They went as Coco and Ice-T, only with less brains.

Elizabeth Bathory, a true vampire

Elizabeth Bathory was a true vampire who was born in 1560, and lived most of her life in the late Sixteenth Century. The Hungarian Countess is now known as The Blood Countess. A serial killer with power who tortured and murdered over 600 girls in her castle of horror, Elizabeth drank their blood and bathed in it to keep herself young. Look her up if you want to read true horror. Her castle still stands and her reign of terror lives on in history..frightening beyond belief, because it's all true.

The real Dracula

If you want to have the pants scared off yourself for Halloween, then there is no way you can ignore the real Dracula. His name was Vlad, he became known as Vlad The Impaler, He was.....Dracula.

The best vampires ever

My opinions on the best of the vampires and suggestions for Halloween rentals.

Number one, clearly, Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula. He was hot, sexy, scary, charming an channelling some Lugosi. The best vampire flick ever made and a true love story. You can see the whole thing on You Tube HERE. Awesome, awesome movie.

Number 2, has to be Bela Lugosi in Dracula. Oh, man, he was good! "I never drink...wine."

Number 3, Keifer Southerland in Lost Boys. What a good movie that is! Best lines ever "You're a fuckin' vampire! I'm tellin' mom!"

Number 4, Brad Pitt in Interview With A Vampire. Everyone blamed the script writers for the not as hot as the book version, but, I blame Tom Cruise. He is NOT what I pictured Lestat looking like while reading Ann Rice. But, Pitt was a great choice for Louis de Pointe du Lac. You can see the entire film on You Tube HERE. Still worth watching even if The Little Gay General screwed it up.

Number five..The Count, a von and a two and a sree. I just love him.

Still in love, Shrinkidink and Azz

Benji continues to shrink. I told you! His dick is probably non existent at the rate he's losing inches. Soon she'll be patting him on the head as she shoves him into the carrier with Tinkerbell the second.

Old spice

Victoria before she became Posh...and VB.

Poor girl

What is it? The prematurely gray so bored she could spit washed out wife of a closeted homosexual who has more money than God costume?

You know who else is a good artist?

Grace Slick. D-list dude reminded me that Grace is 69 today, a Halloween's eve baby, that fits her. She's happy, healthy and productive..and still hot. I've always loved Grace's depiction of her friend Janis. You can see more of Slick's art here.

Halloween art by Janis Joplin

Janis Joplin left many things behind for us to enjoy. I think her art is as original and whimsical as she was. Lovable darkness.

More pics of Zuma Nesta Rock

His mom didn't sell his photo, she posted it online for her fans. That baby is so cuddly, he's making biological clocks spin all over the net. Gwen is cute and she makes adorable kids..they might be the only celeb children who won't end up writing a tell all. The family seems fairly normal by Hollywood standards.

Ashley wants tits, Mary Kate doesn't

Ashely Olsen wants some cleavage enhancement, but, she thinks that if MK doesn't get them too, the world will notice. MK thinks she looks better in fashion with her small boobs and told Ashley she wouldn't do it. I always knew MK was the smart one.

Dear Zac Efron,

Your girl friend looks like a 50 year old hooker who got beat with the ugly stick then fell into a vat of harsh. The only thing worse than her bush is her face. I suggest you make Amanda Bynes your new beard, effective immediately.

House Of Harlow, online

Nicole Richie's jewelry line, House Of Harlow, is now online. House Of Harlow black leather cuff, $125.00. Raises eyebrow...really? It looks like the thingamajig that holds my my coffee filter.

Pink doesn't get John Mayer

Pink met John Mayer at a party, and he started bragging about the women he'd slept with..a sure fire way to get a gal interested in you, right? Pink: ''I got into an argument with him.
I don’t believe him as much as he believes him. He said something along the lines of, 'I only shag really stupid women.'
"And I said, ‘I guess they would have to be.’ I don’t get him at all."
*
I think maybe it was his idea of humor...or he's a douche. Aniston can sort it all out. The image up there? Oh, I got the story from The Sun and went typed in "Pink" to get a pic. The list of stupid pink things was endless, so I typed in "Pink the singer" thinking that would narrow it down. The "crafty" sticker made me smile.

There's Kingston's little brother

Gwen steps out with Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. Awwwwww, he's adorable..and a little chunk, but, he's going to have to grow some more to fill out that name.

The Haunted History Of Halloween 1/5

I watched all 5 parts, I thought it was done well with good images.

Joss Stone is channeling Janis Joplin

That freaked me out a little. WTF?

David Beckham in his Rolls Royce Phantom

Consumerism at it's best. He totally deserves that, don't you know..he plays soccer.

William Balfour's mother on Nancy Grace

She's not helping. Doesn't she have a lawyer to tell her to shut up?

My neighbors dealin' hogs

Okay, I didn't really film it, it's a clever series, by some talented unknowns on You Tube, but, I know the same kind of people. How many times in my life have I listened to this same conversation? You don't want to know.

Ever wonder why some adults are so ignorant?

They start out as brainwashed children.

Contest at Jebbica's

Our bloggin' buddy, Jebbica has stuff to give away on her site, Gravy And Biscuits..get on over there and read about it. Disher never has any swag. I expect a pity party any moment...or at least a free knockoff purse. Anyhow, go for it and scroll down..scroll, dammit, scroll!

Atlanta Assholes

So, last night I caught another episode of the housewives (cough) and it's clear Kim has ditched Nene for Sherry because she thinks Sherry has better social connections. Kiss my ass, Kim, I don't like you anymore. I don't envy these bitches one dime. They have to do too much crap to stay rich. My friends know I'd rather stay home and bitch on the net then go network over cocktails with cocksuckers. Now, these two main whores claim they have talent. Kim is a country singer and Sherry is a fashion designer. Bitch, please! They all think they're Kimora Lee and Faith Hill when it's become clear, they're just brain dead prostitutes who married over paid sports douches and took them for every penny. When Kim said she was 28, I almost sucked a SweetTart down my windpipe. That twat is at least 50. There must be a challenge on the Food Network at the same time. I'd rather watch someone build a castle out of ear wax and Rice Krispies.

Not exactly original, Katy Perry

source
Do you want to tell her, or shall I? I wonder if it smells like lamb?

Hilary Swank Impersonates Ellen On Ellen Show

Which begs the question, if Ellen did it with Swank, what would that be called? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Rosie O’Donnell is a fat shit eating piece of shit

From Rosie's blog.."The family tragedy of Jennifer Hudson — no words will do — a grief 2 hard 2 comprehend. Guns and domestic violence are a lethal combination - injuring and killing women every day in the United States. A gun is the weapon most commonly used in domestic homicides. " She has more, but, I'm not bothering.

*

You fat shit eating piece of shit, Rosie, what the fuck makes you think the Hudson horror is a bandwagon for you to jump on right now to voice your views on gun control? You heartless cunt. No, you ignorant, heartless cunt. You have no brain and you shouldn't be allowed to talk...and learn to spell "too." You're not ten years old. You creep.

Julia Hudson is blogging

Julia is doing whatever it takes to get through this tragedy. You can read it HERE. No one has the right to judge her right now.

My next door neighbors

I was secretly video'n my neighbors. They're good boys, really, but, I sure wish they'd put the dogs in at night.

Fun Halloween site

Click HERE to carve a virtual pumpkin. It's cartoony, but, cool and when you click done, it lights it up and has sound effect. Kids will love this one.

HERE's another one. OMG, this one's a hoot!

A Halloween tale, to you, from me

Strange things happen in October. Yes, indeed, the closer we draw to Samhain, when the veil between the worlds of the dead and the living is said to be at it's thinnest, the more we are likely to encounter the mysterious others. For a Tarot reader, who spends her life living with the paranormal, nothing is too surprising..usually. I should clarify..half assed psychic, that's me. I can tell you what you had for dinner and what your childhood nickname was, (the name your long dead grandfather called you, that no one living knows) but, alas, I can't give you the winning lotto numbers. I am good enough to get you to part with your money for mostly sensible advice. Such is my employment. I'd apologize, but, reasonably priced entertainment is somewhat valuable, is it not?

*

And so it was a typical day, a couple of visits from dead relatives of clients, a little advice to the lovelorn and one farmer wanting to know if he should sell or store his soybeans. If you live in Iowa, just harvest quick..I think field moisture will be the problem this year. Anyway, in comes a beautiful young girl and her pretty, but, worried looking mother. As the girl moved towards my reading room, I noticed a flash of white behind her. Thinking to myself, ahhh, she has company, I wonder if she knows? Indeed, she did. This girl, who was about 13 or 14, told me she is being followed by a ghost and she wanted to know what it wants from her. Her mother claimed to have seen it around her daughter too. I asked the usual questions, where did you see it?..etc. The girl said "It's a Victorian ghost." Ahhhh ha! I had no doubt there was something around her, but, a ghost? A Victorian ghost? Come on. Why do people always see Victorian ghosts? Good grief, every ghost story has a Victorian ghost...it has period clothes! A long white dress! You get the gist. Me? I've never seen a Victorian ghost in my life. I've lived in dozens of Victorian houses and even an old mansion or three..never seen a Victorian spook. Don't give a rats ass what your inbred cat sees either..but, that's another peeve of mine. Back to the girl and her tale.

*

As this child begins to tell me how the Victorian ghost appears by her bed at night....something strange happens. Strange even by my standards. The air on the left side of her begins to..ripple. I watch it, I am almost sure something is there. The girl says she's not afraid of her Victorian ghost, but, wants to know what it's trying to say to her. As she gets more involved in her story, I watch to her left. The outline of a figure in the rippling air gives forth a being. I can see it clearly. It is not ghostly, it is solid, like a living person. It is a small child. And, I shake my head and grin..this spirit is dressed in Victorian garb. I kid you not. Hot dang! That's a first.

*
I tell the real girl that I can see her...visitor. I say, you're right, it's Victorian. She has a long white dress (the real girl adds "with white eyelet lace", which was exactly what I was seeing) and she has blond corkscrew curls with.. At this point, both the real girl and I say at the same time..."a blue ribbon in her hair! " It is at this second, the apparition turns to me and the look of malevolence in that "childs" eyes scared the pants off me for a second. Victorian spirit children are scary as...fuck. I don't know how else to say it. The spirit says in a low voice "Get HER out of my bed." Calmly, but, with a malice that could chill an August day. Then she was gone.

*
Shaken, I asked if they lived in an old house. No. I ask if the girl had an antique bed. Yes. They'd gotten it a few months ago, coincidentally when the Victorian ghost had first shown up. My advice was, give the haunted bed to me and get a new bed. They called me today to tell me that the girl is sleeping soundly in her new wicker bed and the ghost has not been seen since. Not by them, anyway. Heh heh. You're welcome and I don't take checks.

*

This is a true Halloween story, but, the difference between me and some ghost story tellers is that I don't care if you believe it or not. I know what I saw. Or maybe...it's just a tale. This IS the Internet, after all. Happy Halloween.

Jennifer Hudson's mothers house

I was just struck by the ordinariness of the house. It looks like my neighborhood. Never again will Hudson have family dinners or holidays here. Violence can happen anywhere. My thoughts are with little Julian's mother today.

LaPoof, wtf moment

Go with the nice man, little boy, he'll kiss your boo boo all better and get you a pretty shirt that fits.

Caption of the week

I spotted this photo on Agent Bedhead and the caption read, "It Was a Deviated Septum, You Prick!"
*
I about pissed myself laughing. Tasty wave indeed, Bedhead.

Hmm, let's see..

We have sexy cowgirl, insert your own poke joke, ironically that's the same face she made the first time she saw Hef naked. Then we have the Head Clown..what else could you be with those knees? Lastly, and my favorite costume..gold digger who failed to get pregnant with rich old mans baby and now has to pick up the dry cleaning of bunnies even less smart than her.

Lessor Lohan Halloween

Imagine the brain power involved in this. Dina goes as a crank snorting blow ya for a line cat and Ali matched her as a desperate unhappy kitty with no talent. They should have gone as the Maloof brothers.