Jon and Kate go on vacation

Yeah, I know they just got back from a vacation from their vacation. But, they're on another one and Aaden has a problem. He poops all the time. He eats, then he poops. I think the problem is that he poops, then they film it. Then they put it on TV. The Gosselin's seem obsessed with poop. I mean, eight kid...lotta poop, right? But, most people don't talk about it. The Gosselin's whole life seems to revolve around poo. It used to be diapers and garbage cans full of the stuff, then we saw the endless potties everywhere that got emptied once a day. Eww. Then we had the sick episodes..look who has diarrhea! Tee hee. Now it Aaden with his super fast innards, which delight his parents. Jon has something to talk about and Kate can blame it on non organic food.

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I wonder what happens if that kid poops when the cameras aren't there? Small chance of that, but, what if? Can't you hear it? Kate: "Lordy bee! Why does that kid poop when we can't film it?? Make him hold it in, Jon! How are we supposed to get an episode if he's already pooped! I swear, everyone in this family is against me." Jon: "He couldn't hold it. I know, let's feed him cheese and get him all bound up, then we can pull the poop out with a baggie right on TV! Holy golf balls, that's good television." Kate: "We already did that with Collin. God, you're so stupid. If we don't get some action this week, they're gonna cancel us and some one's going to have to get a job..and it won't be me, you putz!" Jon: "Wait, look..Hannah's pooping! Ohh nice, a double load." Kate: "Thank Heavens, finally a kid that can follow a script."

Holly's in love

Madison now says of Criss Angel.."I am in love with him." Yeah, wow, glad you took your time, Holly, you can't rush into things. Angel's show in Vegas has bombed big time, but, he's squeezing every drop of publicity out of this fauxmance. I'm so rude, I'm sure it's the real thing..hah hahahhahah. Holly also said she wants to be a bridesmaid at Kenrda's wedding. What makes her think she's even invited?

Pam Anderson explains "that video" to her kids

Pammy's kids are getting teased at school because the other boys have seen their mommys sex tape. Pammy said "Brandon was upset yesterday because some kids said some things at school. Kids can be so mean but I knew this would come. I just explained that we are good people and we’ve never done anything to hurt anyone. I just want them to enjoy school and enjoy life."
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Those darn mean kids! Stupid bullies aren't sophisticated enough to know that everybodys mommy and daddy makes a sex tape and puts it on the Internet. It's the greatest thing a parent can do for their children. Showing them exactly how daddy's big tattooed peen invaded mommy's sloppy bald hole and went in and out until they were made. Awwwww, look, Brandon, there's you when you were just spooge. You were so cute. Look, honey, there's a close up..why are you covering your eyes? It's our family album.

Suri Cruise bucking for new management

Suri fulfills her contractual obligations by appearing in front of the paps six time per day, rain or shine. She has the nerve to get cheeky about it. Please, Suri, you knew what the gig was when you signed the contract. It said right there on the documents.."I agree to be Hollywood's hottest baby and instill a certain amount of fondness for my lunatic father for the next 4 years, at which time I will be replaced by a new Holmes/Cruise celebrity infant." Now get back to work! Someday you will be living in obscurity with your brother and sister..what's there names.

I'm leaving the Katy Perry post up to you guys

Go for it. I can't even deal with this girl anymore.

Meg Ryan takes Daisy to pre-school

Meg Ryan told InStyle that adopting Daisy was magical. She said, “As mysterious and magical as it is to have a baby you gave birth to, I have that exact same thing with Daisy. I feel like we made some agreement, long ago and far away, to meet in the way we did."
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Usually I'd be the last person to scoff at the metaphysical, paranormal, reincarnation, whatever...but, look at Meg's face. She's been talking shit a lot lately and I don't know what agreement poor Daisy made in another life, but, I hope there's some escape clause in it, because if I was 3 and woke up to that mommys mug...I'd think I got the short end of the short bus. It's very Jack Nicholson in The Shining, and she's looked that way for a long time. Mommy need a pill? A nice blue pill. Here, mommy, have two.

Rod Stewart and his son, Alastair in Venice

The cutest picture I've seen in 200 years..or the last time Rod wrote a hit song.

Imagine it's the year 2038

Holly tells Karissa Weenersucker and Kristina Weenersucker to stay out of her part of the mansion.

It's only a matter of time

Nobody hates the paps more than Suri. Well, almost nobody.

What in the fucking fuck is wrong with people??

From The Daily Beast.. What should America's new Jackie O. wear to the Inaugural Ball? We asked our favorite Project Runway designers to dream up the answer.
With the race finally decided, and the Obamas packing for Washington, there’s just one pressing question left on the national agenda: What should Michelle wear to the Inaugural Ball?
To help dream up the answer for America’s new fashion-forward first lady, we enlisted some of our favorite Project Runway designers to create Inaugural Ball gowns at once stylish, patriotic—and appropriately thrifty for a recession. But in keeping with the show’s premise—where only low cost materials are provided—they didn’t get to skip off to Mood to buy their fabric. For this challenge, they were only allowed to use Laura Bush’s 2005 Inaugural Ball dress, to be chopped up and repurposed, à la Pretty in Pink, an American flag, burlap sacks, and $10 worth of trims of their choosing. When the designers were given their challenge, no First Lady had been determined yet so the dresses were designed with both Michelle and Cindy in mind.
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Sure, like they didn't know it was going to be Michelle Obama. And even if they didn't..how could anyone even suggest an item like burlap sacks for a first lady's Inaugural Ball gown when one of them is black? It's something very much associated with the garb of slaves and it's so offensive it makes me vomit. They can't possibly be that clueless.

Oprah is so weird

Brad Pitt and Oprah Winfrey bonded this past week at Chicago’s Grant Park after Barack Obama was elected president.
"I would have invited you out with me to the rally last night," Winfrey says. "But I was down with the people, and I didn’t think you would want to be."
Replies Pitt, "I took the tram, shoulder to shoulder."-us weekly
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Oh, no she didn't! She did. WTF, Oprah, are you the queen now, "down with the people?" Everyone knows one of Oprah's closest friends is Jen Aniston, but, who ever thought she'd talk to Brad Pitt like that? She's so pompous. Gawd.
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Brad also said that two year-old Shiloh will only respond to the names John and Peter, (she likes Peter Pan) and four year-old Pax, he says, rebelled against a timeout session by peeing on the timeout chair. I hope it was that ugly designer art chair he paid $50,000 for. I'll bet their house smells real nice.
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The interview will be aired on Oprah, November 18th.

Hef will give Kendra away

Hef: "Kendra Wilkinson has met someone who she would like to spend the rest of her life with. His name is Hank Baskett, a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, and he popped the question last Saturday. I have given her my blessing and will be giving her away at a very special wedding ceremony at the Playboy Mansion this coming June."
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It's kind of like having your sweet Grampa walk you down the aisle, you know, if you used to blow your Grampa..yeah, I really wish I wouldn't say things like that either and they'll probably walk down the slip and slide anyway, Hef's got to get some use out of that thing. Anyhow, lets imagine something more pleasant, like Holly losing her shit because stupid Kendra found a husband first and she flips out and goes all Britney with an umbrella on them during the ceremony. And Kendra has to kick her ass...and her extensions fall off...and she lands in the cake..ha ha ha. I'm loving this wedding already.

Alright, Violet..cut it out

The note she's clutching says "Mama will be right back" and it has Jen Garners picture on it. Awwww geez. That got to me, big time. I need to go look at Maddox's knife collection.

I think Britney is above this sort of thing

Last night, Dodger Stadium, Madonna concert, surprise guest..bla dee bla. Who the fuck is Madge supposed to be? Slash's grandmother?

Posh.......yeah

You guys know I usually could give a rats ass what Posh is up to, but, I've become obsessed with finding a reasonable facsimile of that nail color. She probably had it mixed just for her and it's made out of fairy farts and unicorn horns.

Melissa Etheridge might forget to pay her taxes

Melissa feels that if she can't marry Tammy, the mother of two of her children, then she doesn't have the same rights as any other citizen. If she is denied equal rights, why should she pay taxes? You'll just have to read it HERE, in her own words. This whole Prop 8 thing is so frustrating and sad.

I like this cover better

I imagine the conversation went something like this...

Ring, ring.."Hello?"

"Hey, Jen, It's Angie and I just wanted to say.."

"How did you get my number, you husband stealing cunt? Go fuck yourself, don't you have orphans to adopt?"

"That's fair. Listen, I really am sorry, but, in all fairness, Brad's looking like shit these days, and if it hadn't been for me, you wouldn't have John Mayer."

"Yeah, that Benjamin Buttons crap seems to have gotten all over him. Courtney says he looks like a retiree from Palms Spring who lives on the senior golf circuit."

"Tell me about it, it's like fucking dust during a coma."

"So, okay, I'll put away my Jolie voodoo dolls..is there anything else you want?"

"John Mayers number..but, it's for my brother. James is a huge fan."

"Fuck the fuck off. Oh, and Pax needs a haircut. The kid's starting to look like Jenny Shimizu."

Kendra Wikinson is engaged to Phildadelphia Eagle Hank Baskett

A close friend of Kendra's confirmed that Hank did propose to her, last weekend atop the Space Needle, and she said ....YES! Awww, that's so sweet. Kendra just lives for football, so a happier match couldn't be found. I know she'd much rather spend her life cheering him on at games than shopping like most football wives. That photo is from the episode where she played in the Beach Bowl, it was a celebrity game for charity and she made a touchdown. The joy on her face when she caught that pass was just contagious..and I'm sure the guys had to be impressed too. On that day she actually walked the walk. Soon she'll be walking down the aisle with Hank. Uhhh, I confess I don't know who he is, but, I think I got the right photo. Congrats, Kendra! I'll bet she gets an awesome wedding gift from Hef, she always treated him right and I actually believe they are still friends.

Split..

Life is so hard. How will Terri Seymour ever mend her broken heart after the split from Simon Cowell? Oh, yeah, $10 million might ease the pain. Simon gave her 5 million in cash and a mansion in Beverly Hills worth almost as much for being his girl friend for six years. Jeez..the last time a guy broke up with me I got a sack full of empty beer cans he tossed out of his trunk to make room for my TV.

Blake's out of prison

Amy Winehouse must be excited that her husband, Blake was released from prison. Blake told waiting paps that he was going to "see my wife and take her knickers down." Why, because that's where she keeps her crack? That thing hasn't been washed in so long it's probably sealed itself. The crack of destruction. Anyhow, Amy won't be taking her knickers off for Blake today because he's on his way to rehab and she's busy bitch smacking reporters, falling down and passing out in the back of cabs. I hope that cab was taking her to a car wash.

Hotlanta House-hos

Kim claimed she could sing, but, I had no idea she was this good. It's like a choir of angels floated down from Heaven on gossamer wings to bless us with such divine music. And she's only 28 years old!

Split

Evan Rachel Wood is sick and tired of Marilyn Manson's controlling ways. The last straw was when Marilyn tried to kick Evan's brother out of the guest house. Guess who owns the house? Not Manson. Ha. Now Even can finally throw all her Dita corsets and makeup away. I wonder who gets the human remains?

From Timothy White’s Hollywood Pinups

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Mary Kate Olsen playing dress up. Or dress down? I don't think it's really her because there's no Starbucks in that picture.

Everyone's a critic

So, I guess Suri saw the play.

So there, Angie!

I can't believe I had to hear this from Star magazine. She'd better not even think about coming to my birthday party. Hmmf.

Gwyneth Paltrow, still out of touch

She's been hanging out with Madonna too much. Either that or she's actually a paper doll and some kid tried to stick the Dita Von paper doll clothes on it. That last sentence might be a little confusing..much like mornings are to me..but, you get it.

Rare photos in new Kurt Cobain book

In THIS article about Cobain there's some photo's I've never seen before and some tidbits of info. It's worth clicking on if you still miss Kurt.

Heidi Klum's Guitar Hero commercial

Very cute..it might get the image of Tom Cruise in his underpants out of your head. Finally.

Travolta's in France

The Travolta's say they're in Paris, but, it might actually be a state of denial. There's their son Jett..he has "carpet cleaning allergies." Scientology does not recognize autism. At least they let him out of the attic for a night.

Sarah Palin gets punked one last time

Holly says Hef is high maintenence

"It might be refreshing to date someone who is not high maintenance," Holly Madison told Extra "Sorry, Hef … I love you, but you know you’re high maintenance. I haven’t had sex in a really long time, and that’s the honest truth."
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Wait, I thought you said you and Hef had sex all the time. I don't think Holly would know the honest truth if it jumped up and bit her in the implants. Her My Space now lists her status as "in a relationship." Maybe she's wearing a purity ring. Or maybe when you have sex with Criss Angel he makes the image of it vanish from your brain. Which would explain why some women do it twice.

Jessica says Tony saved her

Simpson: "I'd always fall for guys I wanted to save. For the first time, I fell in love with someone who saved me."
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Dear Jebus! Doesn't she have anything else to talk about..music, movies, her product lines, anything! It's like a broken record. We get it already! You have a boy friend! It's not the second coming of Christ.

ParAss got bangs

And I'm sure CNN will cover it. The queen of polyester must forget who she is, because she has her name woven into the fabric of her dress. Everyone needs a BFF like the Ass. TTYN, Paris...LOL..JK...Not.

Heidi Klum's in trouble with Hindu-Americans

Hindu-American leaders are outraged and demanding an apology from Heidi after she blasphemed their Goddess Kali. Indo-American statesman Rajan Zed says, "Goddess Kali is highly revered in Hinduism and she is meant to be worshipped in temples and not to be used in clubs for publicity stunts or thrown around loosely for dramatic effects.

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First of all, go suck it, it's Halloween. Second..have you seen this thing?? Go look it up if you want something scary. Third, go suck it, it's Halloween. Maybe next year they can get even by wearing Project Runway costumes and pissing off the many people who worship the Goddess Heidi.

The Royals beg for candy

Brad and Angie (dressed as leprechauns or sprouts?) took their pack trick or treating and photo agency's are determined to release one photo a day for 300 years. Who gives a fuck? I'm sure they were cute, all kids are cute. Zahara was the green giant, Pax was a bat, Mad was a soldier, and Shiloh..well, I don't know what Shiloh was. A blob, I guess. I hope Shiloh got the most candy.

Kate Moss without makeup

I don't mean this to insult her, but, she looks so much like some of my relatives did when they were young. Born in the hills and raised in the hollers, washing the clothes in the wringer (if they was lucky) on the front porch before drop kicking the hound dogs out of the kitchen to whip up some vittles for the hoard of dirty younguns hangin' off their apron. ( Yeah, I think I might be related to Loretee Lynn, stuff it.) They might have been handsome women in some light and when they weren't bone tired. What makes her take on that used hard look?

Marcia Cross plays hide and seek with her twins

Just look for the paps cameras, girls, mommy won't be far away.

Joaquin Phoenix has retired from acting and won't be doing films anymore

We'll let bye goods be bye goods and wish him luck with his new career, making bongs out of apples and tin foil and selling them on You Tube.

Shia LaBeouf out with his mom

Shia says his mom is a fashion and jewelry designer. Special discounts if you're a rodeo clown Sasquatch who lives in a trailer court. Maybe she designs those boots Britney wears.

Recycled costumes

I love it that Ice-T and Coco went as the same thing they dressed up as last year. Ugly attention hungry pimp and big assed butt whore.