Toddlers and Tiara's

I was flipping channels the other night and Lissa yells at me to "stop there!" It was one of those shows about child beauty contests and little girls dressed up like dolls. I always thought those things were weird, but, I don't make any big judgements since there must be some kid somewhere who likes it. Actually, it's the moms I find peculiar. They're always either plain as dirt or plastic surgery victims who mimic their kids routine on stage going so far as to poke and twirl their imaginary dimples. Very weird behavior. Anyhow, Lis decides she likes it.

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Now she says she wants to be a Booty-Tween. I said, are you kidding me? This is a four year old kid who thinks baths are punishment, screams when you wash her face and about has a spasm when you brush her hair. She asks if she can be a Booty-Tween, pleeease?? I say, sure. Then I put a plastic tiara on her and some blush. She looked in the mirror and said, no, not that. THAT. Points to the TV. She says she needs the dress, the shoes, the crown, the hair, the "mate-up." You buy it for me, dawma? Sure, I say.

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Because that is my job. To let her know there's a place where she is the most important person in the world and she can have whatever she wants. Dawma's are not parents, we have one job and I know what mine is. Like the time she wanted a buffalo. I said, yes, I will get you one. The next weekend when she hadn't forgotten it (she usually forgets) we went to the farm store and ask if they had buffalos. The clerk said we are fresh out of buffalos, but, we have nice plastic buffalos. We bought one and she was happy. I figured she'd forget about the Booty-Tween stuff, but, she hasn't and it's kind of weirding me out. But, I guess it won't hurt to be a beauty queen at home and take some pics. If I start twirling my dimples while yodeling..just shoot me.

Lohans life..is it worth a post?

I can't keep up with The Blow. There have been multiple reports of her and sam fighting lately, in public, trashing hotel rooms, even punching each other. Lindsay is not living with Sam now and is thinking of moving in with her sister, Ali. Since when did Ali get her own place? What is she 15? 16? Anyway, those who know say Sam gave Linds the old heave ho and Lindsay just won't accept it. She keeps blogging about how they're still together, but, they clearly aren't. The Blow is still hanging out with Sean Penn. Samantha is avoiding the paps and the last thing she said about Lindsay was "she's nuts." I'm getting too old to pay attention to little party people who can't get their shit together.

Alba's Dolce & Gabanna..pantsuit?

Jessica recently wore this to a premiere and I'm just confused. It screams, Christmas morning, new pajamas. How can anyone think that's not pajamas? Mommy, can we have French toast?!

Rest in Peace Jeff Beitzel

Jeff Beitzel, who was fifty-four, passed away in September. Did you know Jeff died? I didn't. I knew he was sick, he had leukemia, but, the show is still the same. Gretchen parties on with the rest of those..women. Sip some champagne, get drunk, show your boobs, be incredibly mean to each other! I can't find a decent picture, my connection is being a turd and the browsers won't work today, but, if you watch the show, you know who Jeff is. I only see the show because I'm addicted to Top Chef on the same channel as those Orange County...women... and they're on all the time. All the time...gawd. They are incredibly MEAN women and don't have a clue what friendship means. And Jeff is dead. Geez.

Sheree Whitfield lacks education and skill

Shereeeeeeee bragged and bragged on that Atlanta house ho's show about how she was gonna stick it to her ex and get 7 figures, maybe 8. She was going to be the richest of the rich bitches and live the life. She didn't get it. Stats from D-Listed and TMZ say she got "$775,000, $1 million property, a little bit of his retirement plan and $2,142 a month in child support.
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Point is..Shereeeeeeee be mad now. She can't live on that! Her hand bags cost more than that. She claims she has a lack of education and no skills so she needs alimony too. A judge has warned her she could be fined for wasting the courts time on this. Shareeeeee don't care, she's going to the Georgia Supreme State Court with her demands. A six figure income and property? Oh, the humiliation. How will she hold her weave up in Hotlanta society??
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Shereeeeee started a high end fashion line on the show. She hired someone to draw some fashions, then took the drawings to a seamstress and never checked on them, then she arranged a high society party at great expense to show her work. The dresses looked so bad she couldn't use them and there was no fashion at the fashion party. She By Sheree did not take the runway by storm. In fact, of all the Atlanta housewives, Sheree ended up looking the most ridiculous. I agree she needs education and skills. Doesn't that judge watch the damn show? Thank heavens for Kim's beautious singing voice or she might be in the same boat.

All I need to know about Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise on The View about the Travolta's.."It’s horrific. It’s just horrific. Here you have a man, both of them doting parents, they’re wonderful people and …" .
On Scientologist not getting medical attention, Tom says: "That’s just not true. It’s actually false. They say, 'Get your physical, get your medication, get your physical illnesses handled."'
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Don't care, Tom. I noticed he said "physical"...yeah, I noticed. Not in the mood to debate his statements. This I do know. He couldn't attend Jett Travolta's memorial because he had to do The View. Seems a lot of the Scientologists and celebs were just too busy for the Travolta's this week. And that, my friends, is all I need to know about celebrity Scientologists...and most notably, Tom Cruise.

Another odd ad from PETA

Don't ask me, I don't get it. Why does it look like a fashion page? Call me simple, but, wouldn't a picture of a happy dog with their new family be better? Patricia Arquette, envision a world where your boobs don't look freakishly gigantic. Oh, there you go.

Best actress at 2009 Critics Choice Awards

There's beeen too many stupid award shows lately. Anne Hathaway says she loves this dress because it's two pretty dresses in one. Not really. It kind of looks like your dress got hacked by a red lobster bib. Angelina Jolie did not win and that's the nicest look she could give Anne. How would you like to get nannies for your "brood", find a designer gown, go to an event and find out the critics liked Anne Hathaway better than you? Maybe her bun was too tight, but, I think she was pretty pissed. Anne Hathaway??? Really?

JLH no longer bubbly

Jennifer Love Hewitt has split from her fiance, Ross McCall. Sources on the set of Ghost Whisperer say the actress isn't bubbly anymore. What? Not bubbly? OMG! OMFG! It says "bubbly" right on her resume and contract. Why hasn't CNN covered the loss of bubbly!?

Brit's dad owns her now

Court documents have been filed making Jamie Spears the permanent conservator of Britney. Some bullshit about the tour not giving her insurance unless he's her permanent babysitter. No insurance, no tour...so she agreed. I don't know about all that, I'm not a lawyer, but, I know she hates having her dad tell her who she can see and who she can't. She's not acting so crazy now since dad has been helping her, but, how long can you tell an adult what to do concerning things as basic as phone privileges, dating, driving? This will end badly. And is anything permanent in Hollywood? I'm not sure exactly what that means legally...but, this will end badly.

Lucky seven?

Officials in Ethiopia have confirmed they are expecting a visit from Brad and Angie this month. Rumor has it they've seen photos of a two year old girl and have fallen in love with her and want to add her to their brood. I love the word brood for these two. How's your BROOOOOOD? Shrugs, when you have a brood, what's one more? Adoptalina can't seem to go six months without a birth announcement. There must be a name for that. Boring. Yeah, that's it. Boring.

Brad in W

He's yapping again. Every time someone does a movie they are legally bound to yap all over the damn world. Celebs usually hire someone to write amusing anecdotes for talk shows. Bla bla bla..

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On the film that started the romance between him and Angie: What people don’t understand is that we filmed [Mr. & Mrs. Smith] for a year. We were still filming after Jen [Aniston] and I split up. Even then it doesn’t mean that there was some kind of dastardly affair. There wasn’t. I’m very proud of the way that it was handled. It was respectful. [The film] will mean something to our kids. It will, that’s all.”

On Aniston’s comment that it was “uncool” for Angie to say that she and Brad fell in love on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith: “Listen, man, Jen is a sweetheart. I think she got dragged into that one, and then there’s a second round to all of that Angie versus Jen. It’s so created.”

On his relationship with Jennifer Aniston now: “We still check in with each other. She was a big part of my life, and me hers. I don’t see how there cannot be [that]. That’s life, man. That’s life.”

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Nope. I aint buying what he's selling. I don't give a flying fart when he fell in love with Adoptolina, WTF is this about checking in with Aniston? Pffft. Get real. She's his EX, he has 6 kids now with someone else, why the fuck would he need to check in with Jen? That's not life, that's stupid. I don't think he's as smart as he thinks he is. I don't think he should be allowed to talk anymore unles Angie's hand is up his butt making his lips move.

Diane Keaton and her daughter, Dexter out shopping

Most people don't even know that Diane Keaton has kids. She has a daughter and a son. They've managed to grow up with out the media. It's proof that if you don't want to pimp your kids out in Hollywood, you don't have to. Some of these other celebrities should take notes and people should stop telling me that celebs are just hounded by paps and it's not their fault. I always knew that was bullshit and you could keep your kids out of the spotlight if you wanted to.

No twin pics yet, but..

Jerry O'Connell shows off the footprints of little Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip. Those are good sized feet for newborns! Awww, that's cute.

Lourdes Leon enrolled in acting school

Madonna's daughter, Lourdes Leon has been enrolled at the Professional Children’s School in New York City. It's an institute that allows the students to work in the entertainment field while they study. Lourdes is desperate to become an actress and was offered a part in The Secret Life Of Bees, but, her mother made her turn it down. Her new school has turned out some pretty famous people. This should be interesting as we watch Gristle turn from old faux rocker to stage mom. Why do I have songs from Gypsy running through my head?

ParAss is not a ho

ParAsshole Hilton told Glamour magazine she's only slept with a couple of guys in her whole life. “People make up stories,” she insists, “but mostly I just kiss. I think it’s important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag; they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won’t respect you; he’ll want you much more if he can’t have you.”
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I'm glad she cleared that up and restored her good name. In past interviews ParAss has informed us that she has never used drugs and reads the bible. When asked what her favoritle bible verse is, ParAss said she liked the part where the white owl delivers snail mail and Jesus eats the every flavor beans.

It's a girl!

Ben Affleck helped his wife to the hospital a couple of times in the last weeks, with no results. Must have been that Braxton Hicks crap, we all know about that, huu? But, the third time was the charm. Jennifer Garner had a healthy baby girl yesterday and little Violet has a sister. Awwww. I'm sure we'll hear the name later and I'll update this post. Congrats to you, Ben, Jen and Violet. I'm sure they're feeling pretty good about now.

Wanna buy a....purse?

Louis Vuitton discovers, too late, that putting ruffles around the gristle hole fails to increase hand bag sales.

I think Daddy likes him more than Miley

Billy Ray is going to stand behind him all the way. And bend him over. And...yeah.

Jon and Kate, Plus 8 bathrooms

The Gosselins finally admitted last night, they're moving. They actually moved in November, but, now we get to watch Kate invent cardboard and teach us how to place items inside a box. I'm going to have to tape it so I can learn. I still haven't mastered that sandwich cutting on the diagonal thing she invented. I haven't mastered the art of buying a $1,350,000 home when you have no jobs. But, I'm confident that if I keep watching, I will learn. When I grow up I want to be just like Kate. She's so awesome! Oh, and I lied, the new house only has a paltry seven bathrooms, which didn't work in the title. Some one's butt is going to be pottyless...they have 8 kids!!!! Don't ya know? Alexis can just hold it until college..we don't like her, she's a "disturber." Who's going to mow that lawn??? Not me, I don't know how to help them anymore. Go Kate!

Can celebrities really keep dark secrets?

You'd think the stars could hardly keep anything from the public, but, Kelly Preston Travolta may just have a doozy of a secret. Did she have another disabled son, besides young Jett? I went searching after a poster here peaked my interest. Kelly Preston was married before John Travolta, her ex-husbands name is Kevin Gage. They were married in 1987 and divorced in 1989. By accounts of what I've been able to read on the net, Kelly and Kevin had one child together. A son. That part is true. But, net gossip says that Kelly's first son was also mentally disabled and she gave him up, either to her parents (her mother is a mental health administrator) or her ex, and had him erased from her biography. I had never heard of Kelly having another child until now. Preston has been a member of Scientology since hooking up with Travolta in '91.
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If you go to her "official" biography, there is no mention of another child. Just Ella Blue Travolta and Jett Travolta. It's like something out of the Twilight Zone. There seems to be many skeletons in Ms. Preston's closet. She was engaged to Charlie Sheen once, and was living with him, but, that engagement broke up after Charlie accidentally shot her in the arm. I'm just scratching my head. Can Scientology "erase" a child because he's damaged? Why would you let them? What's the real story here?

Kate Hudson at Letterman

Cute dress, nice earrings, but, what's with that white raccoon concealer? Kate talked about her childhood.. “At 16 I was crazy – I’d go heli-skiing, bungee jumping, anything that seemed like fun. As children we always skied out of bounds – the black runs, the double blacks and the black bowls. I thought I was going to die heli-skiing in Colorado!”

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I don't have a clue, that's rich kid talk, right? But, Kate says she wasn't treated like a rich kid. Her mother made her and her brother fly coach instead of first class. OMG, the Hell! Someone should have called social services. Dare I say it? She's not that cute anymore and she should hire someone to beat her so she has better stories. I'd do it for free. Call me, Kate.

Kate Walsh in LA

Man, since she left Grey's for Private Practice, she's got some trans-America stuff going on.

The look

Lmao! Not a huge fan of Jessica Alba, but, that's pretty cute. That look Honor is giving her mom, OMG! It's that serious look babies give you and you end up stuttering and explaining to them why you farted in front of them. Babies will mess with your head.

Do you believe in signs?

Today the furnace went out..it's always something, isn't it? Fairly cold, but, not freezing, I'm wearing a coat and sipping hot Earl Grey. The heater man is coming and I thought I'd sweep a bit around it since Bee Bee likes to throw sunflower seeds at me all day. My sons photo is on the wall near the heater and I leaned on the broom, looked at the snapshot and sighed "Oh, Eric, where are you today?" I didn't expect an answer. I don't much expect or believe in anything anymore. But, then I picked up the broom and saw something shiny under the heater. I bent down and dug it out and it was a sticker. "It's ok, I'm with the band." Are ya now? Coincidence and bad housekeeping? Shrugs. It made me smile.

Conspicuous absence

Tom Cruise is not shoving his unhappy kid in our faces this week, so far. He's also not grinning and telling us how Scientology cured his dyslexia and made him a success. I have a feeling Tommy Girl is having some serious secret meetings with his "church." Don't you? I'm watching all this unfold with great interest. The Travolta's lawyers say they DID consult neurosurgeons and give Jett medication for seizures (it is reported the boy was not on meds at the time of his death.) I am no longer interested in the results of the autopsy. It won't matter now (even if his death had nothing to do with seizures.) The second biggest celebrity activist for Scientology has admitted he went against the teachings of the "church." If you think Tom Cruise isn't in secret meetings right now to figure out damage control, well, please. Scientology has failed, no matter how you look at it, in the face of the Travolta's tragedy. It's so hard for me to believe that a religion based on the teachings of a science fiction writer might be in jeopardy. What's your next move, Tommy? I eagerly await enlightenment.

Not divorcing, Hollywood style

What does a Hollywood couple do when everyone says you're getting a divorce? You kiss in public and make sure the paps get a shot of your wedding ring. Then you can ignore each other the rest of the night, you've done your job. And don't hook up with any hotdog like Ben Affleck who shouts "It's over!" Marc Anthony wouldn't do that, he's thinking about child support to TWO women. Just be quiet and worship the diva, Marc. I have this weird feeling he's fooling around, and she knows it, she just hasn't decided how bad to ream him yet. Anyone else think that?

Hotlanta house ho has a blog

I was waiting on pins and needles (full of Botox) for this. Kim Zolciak has a blog. Here's what she wrote, "Recently I vacationed with my two girls for the Christmas holiday's in the Bahamas and found some photos that someone snapped of me while at the beach."

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LMAO! Ohhh, Kim, second rate everything, even photoshoppers. In the show she wouldn't wear a bikini, she wore a floor length caftan to the beach. Remember when Kim said she had cancer and we all got misty? Then she said she didn't have cancer but she once thought she had cancer. Thinking you have cancer is traumatic. It fucks up brunch and even Mimosa's and Prada's can't make you less sad. Poor Kim. It's as sad as when your belly button goes missing or your right side becomes transparent. She should start a charity for that. Donations can be sent to the Kim Zolciak fund for victims of bad photoshoppers. Sob.

It's a girl...and a girl!

Twin girls for Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell, but, we knew that was going to happen. Now we have to wait and see what wacky names they give the twins. You know they will. Glad they're here safe, congrats to them. There's so many twins in Hollywood now, I almost get immune to it, but, it IS a huge deal. Imagine having two at once! I'll bet they're really happy with twice the fun. UPDATE: The twins are named Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip.

How are the Travolta's doing?

John Travolta's lawyers released this..

Us: How is John doing? Ossi and McDermott: "John is distraught. He is trying to understand and reconcile this. He is seeking an explanation so that this makes sense to him. And his loved ones are trying to provide that to him. Yesterday was the worst day of his life. Today is probably equally as bad, and if not, it's the second worst day of his life. John is recognizing the outpouring of support he has got from both the U.S. and the world. He can feel the love and he says it makes him stronger and hopefully it allows him to reconcile. He is undergoing the pain any father would if they lost his son. Generally a son buries his father, and John thought that would be the way it would go with Jett, not the other way around. He is in shock. He is emotionally distraught. He is going through many different feelings of disbelief and anger. It's going to take a while for him to feel good again. This is the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to him and he needs to go through a process of healing. John and Kelly are suffering total misery. They were so close to their son. This is hard to accept. He had set a vacation for his employees and friends. Forty-nine adults and their children were coming here [to the Bahamas] from Jan. 2nd to 4th. We were all so excited to spend some days with John. We were on the plane and we had no idea, and then we landed and we found out. Every year he holds a party for friends and employees and this year he had the idea to fly us all to his condo. We were planning to hang out on the beach, go for boat rides and spend time with the family. Us: Have John and Kelly spent time with anyone since everyone arrived? Ossi and McDermott: "John and Kelly have been pretty much locked away. We are staying here until John leaves. The autopsy should be on Monday. Us: How is Jett's 8-year-old sister, Ella Bleu, taking it? Ossi and McDermott: "John broke the news to Ella. She is heartbroken. She is in disbelief, but it is starting to sink in. She has been asking where her brother is. She was so close to Jett. The whole family were so close. They went everywhere together. If John made a movie, they were all there with him. Us: It's been reported that Jett was left alone for several hours before being discovered. Can you clarify the timeline? Ossi and McDermott: "Jett was not left alone. He had a nanny present at all times. The nanny was sleeping close to Jett's room. There was a baby monitor, a chime on the door so it was known when Jett was going in and out. He was completely supervised. The nanny found him.Us: Is it true that Jett died in John's arms? Ossi and McDermott: "Jett may have still been alive when John administered CPR, and then the EMT took over. Jett was pronounced dead at the hospital. I like to believe John had a chance to say goodbye. He may have died in his dad's arms. I am not certain."Us: It's been said Jett had a history of seizures. How often did he have them?Ossi and McDermott: "I am not confident to talk about that. I know he had a history, which of course warranted the extra attention."Us: You obviously knew Jett well. What was his personality like?Ossi and McDermott: "He was a wonderful boy. He had physical limitations, but when he looked in his dad's eyes, the love was tangible. When he grabbed onto his dad, he did not want to let him go."

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John Travolta blogged about it on his site, but, I can't get in there, there's too much traffic. Here is what he said according to Yahoo : "Jett was the most wonderful son that two parents could ever ask for and lit up the lives of everyone he encountered," Travolta said in a statement posted on his website "We are heartbroken that our time with him was so brief. We will cherish the time that we had with him for the rest of our lives."

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As for Dirty Disher, I am trying hard to behave here. Can you tell? I feel their pain (you know I do) and yet...what will the investigation show? Did the boy have seizurses that were treatable with meds? Were meds withheld because of Scientology? What actually killed him? I guess we just have to wait. Rest in peace, Jett.

Orgasmic birth..the best kept secret?

I watched this special the other night. These women turn pain into pleasure and from the film it sure looks like they aren't faking. That Amber chick looks like she'd get off on anything though. You could probably drive a John Deer through her cooter and she'd go cross eyed and beg for more. She probably gives herself C-sections with salad tongs just for fun. I think you'd have to have the perfect birth to do this and I don't know anyone who had a perfect text book birth. I had huge babies, labor for days, posterior presentations and one long pain instead of contractions so I have no clue how you'd control that. But, even if I did have a perfect birth, I wouldn't want my kids first experience in the world to be making me have an orgasm. I'd take the pain instead. The idea quite creeps me. That's just my personal hang up. What do you guys think? Anyone ever done this or heard of it??

More and more people are catching on

As more and more people start to realize how wealthy the Gosselin's are and how they came to be that way, the net fills up with articles, well, not so flattering. The Seattle Parenting Examiner gives them some new years resolutions which include "I will quit complaining about my so called “tight budget” and crying poor while being paid to make a TV show, get free clothing, take lavish trips and are move into a multimillion dollar home!" Kind of makes you want to skip the "love offering" doesn't it?

But my favorite one so far has to be Musings From The Moon, who lets YOU tell what you've learned from Kate Gosselin. The comments are hilarious! I've learned if I pay $20.00 bucks I can take a photo with my own camera. What a bargain.

Conversation with my computer (Hal)

Me: La la la..

Computer: Your virtual memory is too low.

Me: Bullshit. I only have three windows open. Ha!

Computer: Your virtual memory is too low.

Me: Are you sneaking onto the net behind my back again? You bastard, I can hear you popping corn.

Computer: Java updates are available.

Me: Fuck you, if I wanted Java I'd go to the Sun site, you get off the damn Internet! You Java junkie.

Computer: Your virtual memory is too low.

Me: Yeah, because YOU'RE fucking it up! I know you are, you piece of crap!

Computer: Java updates are ready to load.

Me: I knew it! CLICK. No, see? N-O! You can shove 'em and now I can do whatever I want. I'm the boss, got that, you pile of junk?! Ha!

Computer: Local area cable connection 2 is unplugged.

Me: AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Fucker.

Deb went home for Christmas

All the way to Australia from Minnesota. She got to see her niece and nephews and meet her new nephew, Liam..he's adorable. It looks like such a nice family, I'm so glad you were able to spend Christmas with them Deb. You're a cutie too. You must have been shell shocked when you got home..it's sooooo cold here! I can't imagine Christmas in Summer.